Questions to Ask at Thanksgiving Dinner
Thanksgiving questions to ask around the table when the people at it run from a five-year-old to a great-grandparent, with a first-time guest somewhere in the middle. The 56 questions follow the dinner in six groups: Sitting down, Giving thanks, This year, Family stories, Kids and Over pie. Giving thanks holds the thankful ones, short enough to send from seat to seat, and the guide lists the topics that turn a holiday dinner sour.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Sitting down
Which dish on this table should never be changed?
Why ask it
Everyone has a position on this, including the children, and it lets people argue happily about something that does not matter. It also flushes out who has been quietly wanting to change the menu for years.
What did you smell first when you walked in today?
Why ask it
Onions, sage or something burning: whatever the answer, it hands the cook some credit before anyone has taken a bite. Ask it while coats are still coming off, since it needs no thought and a four-year-old has an opinion.
Who had the longest trip to get here, and what happened on the way?
Why ask it
The person who drove five hours or changed planes has a story ready and nobody has asked for it yet. Hearing it early also gets the traffic report out of the way, so it does not take over the meal later.
What goes on your plate first, and what are you saving for the last bite?
Why ask it
People have systems for a full Thanksgiving plate and are oddly willing to explain them: gravy over everything, nothing touching, cranberry as a reset. Try it on the person beside you while the dishes are still going around.
What was your job in the kitchen today, and how did it go?
Why ask it
A child who tore the bread for the stuffing gets to say so in front of everyone, which matters more to them than the pie does. Anyone whose job was staying out of the way can admit it and volunteer for the dishes.
Who was up earliest this morning, and what for?
Why ask it
The winner is usually whoever put the turkey in, and this is their chance to say what time that was. A runner back from a turkey trot or a child who got up for the parade may contest the title.
Which side dish could you eat as the whole meal?
Why ask it
Stuffing and mashed potatoes usually win, and somebody always makes a case for the rolls. The cook finds out which bowl to double next year without having to ask.
What is on your family's Thanksgiving table that is not on this one?
Why ask it
Meant for the new partner, the in-law and the friend who is here for the first time, because it lets them talk about home without being asked to rate this dinner. Ask who makes it, and you may be offered the recipe.
What music should be on while we eat?
Why ask it
Give whoever answers first the speaker for three songs, then pass it to the left. A grandparent's pick followed by a twelve-year-old's starts its own argument, and the only house rule is a volume people can talk over.
Giving thanks
What are you thankful for this year that you did not have a year ago?
Why ask it
Asked plainly, the thankful question gets the same answers every November, and the second half of this one fixes that. A new baby, a job, a porch, a knee that finally works: it has to be something that arrived since this table was last set.
What is one small thing this year you were surprisingly glad about?
Why ask it
The word small does the work: it rules out the dutiful answers about family and health and gets you a specific one, like a new bus route or a neighbor's dog. Go first with something almost too minor to mention, and the rest of the table will follow you down.
Who outside this family are you thankful for this year?
Why ask it
A teacher, a neighbor who takes the bins in, a coworker who covered a shift: naming someone from outside stops the round from becoming ten versions of 'my family'. Children often name a friend, and it is worth asking what that friend is like.
What is something you use every day and would hate to be without?
Why ask it
Answers run from a dishwasher to a library card to a pair of glasses, and each one shows a little of how that person's days go. This is the easiest thankful question for a teenager, who can say headphones and mean it.
Who helped you this year in a way they probably do not know about?
Why ask it
Because the help was unnoticed, the answer is usually specific and slightly surprising. If the person is at the table, they hear it in front of everyone, which lands better than a private thank-you.
What is something you learned from someone at this table?
Why ask it
How to back up a trailer, how to roll a pie crust, how to lose at cards without sulking: the lesson is the easy half. The better half is naming the teacher while they are sitting three seats away.
What is one good thing about the person sitting on your left?
Why ask it
Send it one way around so that every seat both gives a sentence and gets one. Put a first-time guest beside someone warm before you ask, because the person next to them has known them for an hour and needs something kind and true to say.
Where were you this year that you are glad you got to be?
Why ask it
A beach counts, and so do the bleachers at a nephew's game or a friend's kitchen on an ordinary Tuesday. Asking for a place gets a scene with people in it, which is easier to say out loud than a feeling.
What is something hard about this year that turned out to have a good side?
Why ask it
Save this for a table that knows each other well, and say before the first answer that passing is fine. Someone who lost a job or moved towns may want to answer it, and the rest of the table should hear them out without fixing anything.
This year
What is something you got better at this year?
Why ask it
It works for a six-year-old learning to swim and for a grandparent learning a new phone. Asking about improvement rather than achievement keeps people who had a hard year in the conversation.
What made you laugh hardest this year?
Why ask it
The story usually has to be told again for the table, and the retelling is the entertainment. If the answer is 'you had to be there', ask who was there and let that person try.
What is the best thing you ate this year that was not at a holiday?
Why ask it
A taco from a truck on a work trip, tomatoes from a neighbor's garden, a birthday dinner out: the food brings the rest of that day with it. You hear about someone's year without having to ask about work or money.
What is the best thing you read, watched, or listened to this year?
Why ask it
Recommendations travel well between generations: a grandparent leaves with a podcast and a teenager with an old film. Ask for one title only, or the keen readers will hand you a list.
What is a photograph from this year you keep going back to?
Why ask it
This is the one question that lets the phones come out, so set the terms: one picture each, passed around the table, then away again. A relative who dislikes talking about themselves will happily explain a photo.
What did you do for the first time this year?
Why ask it
Set the bar low as you ask, so that a first oyster or a first solo trip through the car wash counts as much as a first time abroad. That keeps the relatives who stayed home all year in the game, and theirs are often the funnier answers.
Who did you meet this year that you are glad you met?
Why ask it
A good one for the college student home for the first time and for anyone who changed jobs or moved, since it lets them bring their new life to the table. Follow up by asking how they met, not what the person does for a living.
What is something you tried this year that did not work out?
Why ask it
Sourdough that never rose, a garden the deer ate, three weeks of banjo lessons. Go first with a flop of your own, because nobody volunteers one to a table of relatives until somebody else has.
Family stories
What did Thanksgiving look like when you were ten?
Why ask it
Asking the oldest people at the table first tends to produce details nobody has heard: who hosted, what was on the table, who was not speaking to whom. Children listen to this more closely than to anything aimed at them.
Where was the kids' table when you were small, and when did you get moved up?
Why ask it
Plenty of adults can still place the card table in the hallway and name the year they were promoted from it. The children currently sitting at one will follow this closely and may open negotiations.
Whose recipe is on this table today, and what were they like?
Why ask it
A dish is the gentlest way to bring up someone who is no longer here, because the talk starts with butter and oven temperatures and reaches the person on its own. If the recipe's owner is sitting at the table, ask what they changed from the version they were handed.
Which Thanksgiving does this family still tease somebody about?
Why ask it
The turkey that was still frozen at noon, the dog and the pie, the year the oven quit: most families have one, and it improves with each telling. Check the face of the person being teased before you ask for the long version.
Who in the family do you most take after, and in what way?
Why ask it
Start with the teenagers, then let the grandparents correct them. Somebody will be told they have an uncle's stubbornness or a grandmother's laugh, so steer it toward traits a person is glad to hear named in front of company.
What was your first job, and what did it pay?
Why ask it
Put it to the oldest person at the table and let the teenagers do the arithmetic. The wage is the hook, but the part worth keeping is usually the boss, the uniform or how they got there each morning.
Who taught you to cook something you still make?
Why ask it
The teacher is not always the person the family assumes: the famous rolls can turn out to have come from a neighbor or the back of a flour bag. Ask where the lesson happened, since a lot of these were learned standing on a chair at the counter.
How did the two of you meet, and who noticed the other first?
Why ask it
Ask the couple who have been together longest, then the newest pair, and listen for the two versions that do not quite match. Grandchildren have often never heard theirs told from start to finish.
What does this family do that visitors find odd?
Why ask it
In-laws and old friends are the experts here, so hand it to them first and let them enjoy it. Expect things like dinner at two in the afternoon, a grace said in two languages, or a strict rule about who carves.
What is the oldest thing in this house, and how did it get here?
Why ask it
A gravy boat, a clock or a chipped platter can carry three generations of story, and it may already be on the table. Let the host answer, then ask the oldest guest whether they remember it in another house.
Who do we wish were at the table this year?
Why ask it
Some will name a grandparent who has died, others a cousin who is deployed or a daughter spending the day with her in-laws. Ask for one thing that person always did at Thanksgiving, which brings a story rather than a silence, and raise a glass when the names run out.
What is a story about this family the youngest people here have not heard?
Why ask it
Naming the audience changes what gets told: the storyteller picks something a nine-year-old can follow and leaves the old feud out. Ask where and when it happened while the teller still has the floor, because those are the parts that get lost.
Kids
If you were in charge of the whole menu, what would be on the table?
Why ask it
Expect macaroni, pancakes and at least one dessert served as the main course. Promise that the best idea gets a place next year in a small bowl, and then keep the promise.
If the turkey could talk, what would it say about today?
Why ask it
Pure silliness, and the youngest child is usually quickest with it. Any adult who answers in the turkey's voice will be asked to do it again every November.
What are you thankful for that starts with the first letter of your name?
Why ask it
More of a game than a question, and right for ages five to ten in the stretch when the adults are still eating. The other children may help anyone stuck with a hard letter, and the grown-ups have to play too.
What was the best day at school so far this year?
Why ask it
Asking for a day keeps it away from grades and report cards, which no child wants discussed in front of an uncle. You will hear about a field trip, a substitute teacher or something that went wrong at lunch.
Which grown-up here would you trade places with for a day?
Why ask it
The follow-up does the work: ask what they would do first. Children pick the adult with the dog, the truck or the latest bedtime, and the chosen adult should say whether they would take the trade.
What rule should everyone at this table have to follow?
Why ask it
Hand the rule-making to a seven-year-old and you get 'no talking about work' or 'everyone has to try the cranberry'. Adopt one for the rest of the meal and enforce it on the adults.
What did you get in trouble for when you were my age?
Why ask it
Written for a child to ask a grandparent, an aunt or an uncle. The adult should pick a real offense and tell it properly, and the parent listening from two seats away may learn something as well.
What did you do for fun at my age when it was raining?
Why ask it
Another one for the children to ask. The rain rules out 'we played outside' and brings up the card games, the one television in the house and the cousins in the basement, which can turn into a game after dinner.
Over pie
Pumpkin, pecan, or apple, and are you having seconds?
Why ask it
It reopens the table once the dinner plates have gone out, and a guest who brought some other dessert gets to make its case. Count the votes out loud, because the losing pie always has one fierce defender.
Tomorrow's leftovers: a sandwich, a soup, or cold from the fridge at midnight?
Why ask it
A three-way vote that takes ten seconds a person and splits most households. The sandwich people will want to describe the layers in order, so let one of them.
What was the best moment of today so far?
Why ask it
By dessert there is a whole day to choose from: the parade on television, the walk, a nap on the couch, a goal in the yard game. The cook often names the minute everyone finally sat down, and should be allowed to.
What should we do together tomorrow?
Why ask it
The long weekend is right there, and this turns a good mood into a plan: a walk, a board game, a film, soup from the bones. Settle a time before people leave the table, or it stays an idea.
What is a tradition you think we should start?
Why ask it
The suggestions tell you what people feel is missing: more of the cousins, less of the formal dinner, a walk before the food. Children usually have the most ambitious ideas here, and sometimes the best.
Who should we call before the day is over?
Why ask it
Somebody is working a shift, stationed far away or could not make the trip this year. Pick one person, pass the phone around the table, and let the children say hello first.
What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
Why ask it
A table that has spent the evening on a hard year needs a way out of it, and this is the gentlest one. Keep it to a few months: a trip in February or a baby due in spring is easy to say, while a five-year plan puts people on the spot about work and family.
What do you want more of next year?
Why ask it
It is softer than asking about goals, and the answers tend to be about time and people rather than achievements. Anyone who says more sleep is usually telling you something true about their year.
What do you hope is exactly the same at this table next year?
Why ask it
The mirror of asking what people want more of, and the answers add up to a list of what the day got right: the same seats, the same stuffing, the same argument about the rolls. Write the list down for whoever hosts next.
What should we remember about this year?
Why ask it
Ask it last, when the coffee is nearly gone. People reach for one scene, like the week the power was out or the day the youngest rode a bike without help, and those answers come slowly enough that the quiet before them is part of it.
Keeping a holiday table talking
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How to actually use these
Match the group to the course
The six groups follow the meal. Sitting down is for coats, drinks and the first passing of dishes, when nobody can manage more than a sentence. Giving thanks and This year belong to the main course, Family stories needs the oldest people settled and fed, and Over pie is for dessert and coffee. Kids can run at the children's end of the table at any point.
One round at most
A round where every seat answers in turn is fine once, and the Giving thanks group is written for it: one sentence each and nobody on trial. A second and a third round turn dinner into a performance and make shy people dread their turn. For everything else, drop one question in, let it run where it goes, and drop another in when the conversation flags.
Answer first yourself
Whoever asks should go first, and should answer specifically rather than safely. It sets the length and the level of honesty for everyone else at the table.
Let people pass
Say plainly that anyone can skip a question. One person opting out quietly is fine, and it is far better than pressing someone who is having a difficult year in front of relatives.
Let the children ask
Hand a couple of questions to the youngest people at the table and let them choose who to ask. Adults answer children more openly than they answer each other.
Ways to put the questions on the table
Inside the place cards
Write one question inside each folded place card and say nothing about it. Guests find theirs as they sit, and each one gets to choose who at the table has to answer. Put the two Kids questions that are meant for asking a grown-up at the children's seats.
A bowl that goes around with the rolls
Copy a dozen questions onto slips and pass the bowl whenever the bread basket goes around. Go through the slips beforehand and take out any that are wrong for this year's table, such as the one about a hard year in a house that has just had one, or the one about who is missing when the loss is only weeks old.
When the children eat at their own table
Give the oldest child the Kids group on a card and one job: bring a single answer back to the adults before dessert. It gives the children's table a reason to visit the big one, and the adults a reason to listen.
The guest who is new this year
Most years somebody at the Thanksgiving table knows none of this family's history: a new partner, a neighbor, a college roommate. Give them the Sitting down questions and the This year group, and when Family stories begins, turn the one about Thanksgiving at ten their way so they can describe their own family's day.
What to steer around
- Politics and anything currently in the news, unless the whole table genuinely enjoys it.
- Questions about weight, food choices, or how much someone is eating.
- When are you having children, when are you getting married, and any variation on either.
- Job losses, money, and grades, which put one person on trial while everyone listens.
- Anything you already know two people at the table disagree about bitterly.
Practical notes
Mind the seating and the noise
A long table is really three conversations, so a question shouted across it will only reach half the room. Ask within your own section, or wait until the plates are cleared and people move.
Save the long answers for the middle of the meal
While dishes are being passed, half the table is still up and down to the kitchen, and by dessert some have drifted to the couch or the game. That is why the Sitting down and Over pie questions can be answered in a sentence. Anything that needs a story, such as most of Family stories, goes in the stretch between second helpings and the plates being cleared.
Write one thing down
If someone tells a family story with dates and names in it, note it that evening. These are the details that vanish, and a holiday is one of the few times they are said out loud.