Questions to Ask Before Adopting a Child
Questions to work through before starting an adoption, some for yourself and your partner and some for the agency or social worker, covering motivation, the route you are considering, cost and timescale, what is known about a child's history, contact with birth family, and support after placement.
20 questions, each with the reason to ask it · includes a conversation guide
The questions
Open any question to see why it works.
- 1
Why do we want to adopt, and can each of us say it in our own words?
Say it out loud separately rather than agreeing to a shared version. Assessment involves being asked this repeatedly, and couples who have never compared answers sometimes discover mid-process that one of them was going along with the other.
- 2
Is either of us still carrying a loss that adoption is meant to resolve?
Infertility, a miscarriage, or a child who died are common and legitimate parts of the story, and social workers ask about them directly. The relevant question is not whether the grief exists but whether it is still the loudest thing in the room.
- 3
Which route are we considering: an infant placement, the care system, international, or a relative?
These differ in cost, waiting time, the age of the child, how much history you receive, and how much contact continues afterwards. Many people research adoption in general and find that only one of these routes actually fits their life.
- 4
What does the whole process involve, from first enquiry to a child at home?
Ask for the stages by name and roughly how long each takes. Hearing it as a sequence, including the training, the home study and the panel, makes the demands concrete and shows how much of the timeline is out of anyone's control.
- 5
How long do families like ours usually wait?
Ask specifically about people in your situation rather than the agency average, since age, existing children, location and what you are open to all move the number. An agency that will not give any range is worth asking why.
- 6
What does it cost in total, including the parts that are not in the headline figure?
Ask about home study fees, legal work, travel, time off work, and what happens to money already spent if a placement does not go ahead. Costs vary enormously by route, and some routes carry very little cost at all.
- 7
What age range are we open to, and would we consider siblings?
Answer this before anyone asks you to, and be honest rather than generous. Sibling groups are placed together where possible, and saying yes to two or three children is a different decision about housing, work and money than saying yes to one.
- 8
How do we feel about a child with medical needs, developmental delay, or prenatal exposure to drugs or alcohol?
You will be asked to complete a form on this, and the honest answer is more useful to everyone than the generous one. Ask what support and funding exists for specific needs, because the answer varies by region and by route.
- 9
What will we be told about a child's history, and what is usually unknown?
Records are often incomplete, particularly on the birth father's side and on early medical history. Ask what the agency does when information is missing, and how they handle a history the child will eventually want to know.
- 10
What contact with birth family is expected, and how is that arranged?
Contact ranges from none, through letters passed via the agency, to regular meetings, and it is increasingly common. Ask who decides, whether the arrangement is legally binding, and how it is expected to change as the child grows.
- 11
At what point is the adoption final, and what can happen before then?
There is a period during which arrangements can change, and its length and rules depend entirely on where you are. Ask the agency to explain the legal stages plainly, and take anything with legal consequences to a lawyer who does this work.
- 12
What does the home study actually look at?
Expect finances, health, relationships, your own childhood, criminal record checks, and references from people who know you. Knowing the scope early removes most of the anxiety and gives you time to gather documents rather than scramble.
- 13
If we adopt a child of a different race or culture, what would we change about our life?
Answer with specifics rather than intentions: where you live, who is in your social circle, who cuts the child's hair, whose gatherings they will grow up attending. Agencies ask about this, and a general commitment to openness is not an answer.
- 14
Who else in our family needs to be behind this, and what do we do if someone is not?
Grandparents and existing children come up during assessment, and a relative who is unenthusiastic now rarely becomes enthusiastic on placement day. Decide in advance what you will do about a family member who does not come round.
- 15
How would work and childcare change, and what leave are we entitled to?
Adoption leave exists in many places but the rules differ from maternity leave, and children who have moved home may need a parent available for far longer than planned. Check your employer's policy in writing before you need it.
- 16
What support is available after placement, and for how long?
Post-adoption support is the part most people underestimate. Ask what is funded, what is time limited, whether therapeutic support for the child is included, and who you call at the point when things are hardest.
- 17
How will we talk about adoption with our child, and starting when?
Current practice is that children grow up always knowing, rather than being told at a chosen moment. Ask what training the agency provides on this, because the difficulty is not the first conversation but the hundred that follow.
- 18
What happens if a placement breaks down, and how often does that occur here?
It is a hard question and agencies should be able to answer it. Ask what support is offered to the family and to the child, since knowing the answer in advance is part of deciding whether you are prepared for the harder version of this.
- 19
Could we speak with families who adopted through you two or three years ago?
Ask for families past the first year, when the initial period has ended and ordinary life has resumed. They will tell you what assessment felt like, what the agency was like when something went wrong, and what nobody warned them about.
- 20
If this takes five years, or does not happen at all, what do we want our life to look like?
This is worth answering before you begin rather than during a delay. Having a version of the future that is not entirely dependent on the process makes the waiting survivable and keeps the decision yours rather than the timeline's.
Working through the decision
Practical guidance for the conversation itself.
The conversations to have first
The conversations to have first
Answer separately, then compare
Write your answers to the motivation and openness questions apart from each other before discussing them. Assessment will surface any difference eventually, and it is easier to work through at a kitchen table than in front of a social worker.
Be honest about openness rather than generous
The form asking what needs and circumstances you could accept is not a test of goodness. Overstating what you can manage helps nobody, least of all a child placed with parents who then find they cannot cope.
Talk about money before the process, not during
Costs, time off work, and a possible reduction to one income for a period. Routes differ enormously here, and knowing your limit early narrows the options in a useful way rather than a disappointing one.
Decide what you will do about a reluctant relative
Have the conversation with family before assessment rather than after a match. It is easier to hear an objection while it is still abstract, and it gives everyone time.
When you speak to agencies
When you speak to agencies
- Speak to more than one, including a public body as well as any voluntary or private agency. Their timescales, costs and the children they place differ.
- Ask each the same three questions: typical wait for families like yours, total cost, and what post-placement support is funded. Comparing like for like is otherwise impossible.
- Ask how they support families when a placement is struggling. The answer tells you more about an agency than anything in their brochure.
- Take notes with dates. The process is long and you will be given a lot of information by a lot of different people.
- Anything with legal consequences, including consent, finalisation and contact agreements, belongs with a lawyer who works in adoption in your jurisdiction.
What to expect of the process itself
What to expect of the process itself
- It is intrusive by design. Finances, health, past relationships and your own upbringing are all in scope, and that is normal rather than a sign of suspicion.
- Timelines slip for reasons unrelated to you, including staff turnover and court schedules. Plan around the process rather than through it.
- Training is part of assessment. Attendance and how you engage with it are both noted.
- You will be asked the same questions by different people. Consistency matters more than polish.
- Waiting after approval is often the hardest stage, and it is the one people prepare for least.