Questions to Ask Foster Parents

The questions

Open any question to see why it works.

1. 1

   How long was it from your first phone call to the day a child arrived?

   The answer is usually somewhere between four months and well over a year, and it varies more by agency than by household. If someone says it moved fast, ask what they had to chase, because most of that timeline is spent waiting on paperwork that nobody tells you is stalled.

2. 2

   Did you license through the county or through a private agency, and would you do the same again?

   This is the single decision that shapes everything after it: who calls you, what support you get at midnight, how much say you have in placements. People who switched from one to the other have the most useful answer, so ask specifically whether they ever considered moving.

3. 3

   What did the licensing process actually involve, week by week?

   The written list of training hours, background checks, references and a home inspection sounds manageable. What people underestimate is the home study interviews, which go into your own childhood, your marriage, your finances and your discipline beliefs in detail. Ask what surprised them in those conversations.

4. 4

   What did you have to change about your house, and what turned out not to matter?

   Requirements differ by state and by age of child: water heater temperature, medication storage, firearm storage, bed spacing, pool fencing. Experienced foster parents know which items an inspector genuinely enforces and which they spent money on for nothing.

5. 5

   How much notice do you usually get before a child arrives?

   Often a phone call with a short window to decide, sometimes with a child already in a caseworker's car. Ask what information they get in that call and how much of it later turns out to be incomplete, because that gap is the main thing new foster parents are unprepared for.

6. 6

   What did you wish you had already bought or set up before the first placement?

   You will hear about car seats in more than one size, clothes in a range of sizes, a spare toothbrush, and a bag that travels with the child. Listen for the emotional items too, like something that is the child's to keep, since a lot of children arrive with everything they own in a plastic sack.

7. 7

   What does the stipend actually cover, and what comes out of your own money?

   The reimbursement rate varies by state and by the child's level of need, and it is meant to cover the child's costs rather than to pay you. Ask about the gaps people run into: gas for visits and appointments, childcare, activities, clothing beyond an initial allowance, and the delay before the first payment arrives.

8. 8

   What did the first night look like?

   A calm, specific answer here tells you more about a household than any philosophy of parenting. Ask what they said when the child arrived, where the child slept, and what they did when the child would not eat, would not talk, or would not stop talking. All three happen.

9. 9

   How much contact do you have with the child's parents?

   This ranges from none to weekly transport and shared birthdays, and it depends on the case plan and the agency's culture. Foster parents who have built a working relationship with a birth parent usually describe it as the hardest thing they were asked to do and the thing that helped the child most.

10. 10

    How do visits work in practice, and what are the kids like afterwards?

    Supervised visits are often on a weekday at a facility across town, which means school pickup, driving and a long wait. The part nobody warns you about is the hours after a visit, which can look like regression or anger and are frequently misread as the visit going badly.

11. 11

    How much do you know about a child's history before you say yes?

    Usually less than you expect, sometimes a paragraph. Ask how they decide with incomplete information, and what they now ask on that first call that they did not ask at the beginning. Experienced foster parents have a short list of questions they always get answered before agreeing.

12. 12

    How does school work: enrolment, records, and days missed for appointments?

    Children in care often change districts mid year, arrive without records, and qualify for services that take time to restart. Ask who has authority to sign school paperwork, since that is frequently not the foster parent, and who goes to the meetings.

13. 13

    What is the medical side like: coverage, consent, therapy, and finding providers?

    Coverage is typically through Medicaid, but the question that trips people is consent, since foster parents often cannot authorize certain treatment or medication changes on their own. Ask how long it took to find a therapist who takes the coverage and had an opening.

14. 14

    Which behaviours have you had to learn to respond to differently?

    You are asking whether their parenting changed, and it should have. Listen for specifics: food hoarding, refusing to sleep alone, bolting, extreme politeness, going flat during conflict. Someone who says they treat every child exactly the same has usually had one short placement.

15. 15

    What has fostering been like for the children already in your home?

    Birth children and adopted children absorb a lot of this and are rarely asked. Ask what changed for them: shared rooms, less attention, having to keep other people's information private at school, and saying goodbye to someone they thought of as a sibling.

16. 16

    What has it done to your relationship and your friendships?

    Fostering as a couple exposes any disagreement about discipline and about how much is enough. Single foster parents will tell you about the practical version of the same problem: no one to hand the evening to. Both answers are worth hearing before you start.

17. 17

    Who do you call when it is bad at eleven at night?

    Support is the difference between fostering for two years and fostering for ten. Ask whether the agency has a real after hours line and whether a person answers it, and ask about respite care: whether it exists in their area, who provides it, and whether they have ever used it.

18. 18

    What happened when a child left?

    Reunification is the usual goal, and a placement ending well can still be a loss you carry for years. Ask how much notice they got, whether they were allowed to stay in contact, and what they did in the week afterwards. Anyone who says it was fine is protecting themselves or you.

19. 19

    Have you ever turned down a placement, or asked for one to end?

    The hardest question in the set, and the one that separates a real conversation from a recruitment pitch. Ask it plainly and without judgement. What you want to understand is what a household's limit looked like from the inside, and what they wish had happened instead.

20. 20

    Knowing all of it, what would make you stop?

    Better than asking whether they would recommend it, because nobody answers that one honestly to a stranger. The answer tends to be about the system rather than the children: a caseworker who does not return calls, a court date moved four times, or simply being tired. Take it seriously as a forecast of your own experience.