Questions to Ask Inactive Church Members
These questions to ask inactive church members are for whoever makes the call or knocks on the door: the pastor, an elder or deacon, or a volunteer from the visitation team. The six groups run in the order of a good visit: the person first, then when and why Sundays stopped, any hurt or neglect that needs hearing, where their faith stands now, what a return would take, and the care on offer whether or not they come back. Nothing here is built to guilt anyone into a pew, and several of the questions also work on a short written survey.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Opening
Is this a good time to talk, or would another day suit you better?
Why ask it
Offer the way out before anything else. A person caught at dinner or between shifts will agree with everything just to end the call, and a conversation they chose for Thursday goes further than one they put up with today.
We have missed you. How have you been?
Why ask it
The first sentence only works if it is true of you personally, so say it once, with no mention of how long it has been, and then stop talking. Someone who suspects a head count behind the call will answer fine, so let the first few minutes be about their life and not the church.
How is your family doing these days?
Why ask it
Check the church records before you ask, so you do not inquire after a husband who died or a daughter who moved away two years ago. A new baby, a move or a parent in decline often explains the empty pew before you raise it.
Has anything been heavy for you lately that we did not know about?
Why ask it
Embarrassment keeps people home at the very point they could use a church: an illness, a lost job, a marriage in trouble. If something like that comes out, set the remaining questions aside and treat this as a care visit.
What has been good in your life since we last saw you?
Why ask it
People braced for a scolding loosen up when asked for good news. Remember one detail and mention it the next time you are in touch, because that is how they learn you were listening and not recruiting.
What has been taking most of your time and energy this season?
Why ask it
You are listening for whether a crowded calendar is the whole story or something deeper sits behind it, and this finds out without the words why have you been missing. If the answer is rotating shifts or a child's weekend tournaments, note the days, because they decide what you can offer later.
Would it be all right if I asked about your time away from church?
Why ask it
A yes turns everything after it into a conversation they agreed to have. A no is also an answer: thank them, say the door stays open, and do not slide the questions in sideways.
What changed
What first brought you to this church?
Why ask it
An easy way into the subject, because it begins with a good memory. Whatever drew them in, whether a friend, the youth group or a pastor who has since moved on, is often the thing that later went missing, so hold on to it for the next few questions.
When did coming on Sundays start to get harder for you?
Why ask it
Ask when before you ask why. A date usually points at an event, such as a move, a new job, a pastor leaving or a service time changing, and most people go on to supply the reason unprompted.
Was there a moment you decided to step back, or did it happen gradually?
Why ask it
These are two different stories. A moment means there is something specific to hear and perhaps to put right, while a slow drift usually means a habit broke and nobody noticed, so do not go hunting for an offense that never happened.
If you had to put it in a sentence, what led you to stop coming?
Why ask it
This one is for the person who has given you dates and details but no reason, and for a written survey, where it is the one to print first. Take the sentence as given. People tend to offer the reason that is safe to say, and a fuller one may follow once they see how you handled the first.
Did something change at the church that made it feel less like home?
Why ask it
It may be new music, a merged service, a class that ended or friends who moved away. Hear it without explaining why the change was made: you probably cannot reverse it, and they are not asking you to.
Is there a practical reason Sundays are hard now, such as the hour, the drive or your health?
Why ask it
Practical obstacles are the ones a congregation can sometimes remove. Hold the solution back for now and find out the whole of it first, since a problem described as the drive can turn out to be the stairs or the noise.
Did serving here wear you out?
Why ask it
A tired volunteer sometimes leaves the whole church because it is the one sure way to stop being asked. If that is the story, tell them a return comes with no sign-up sheet, then make sure the people who recruit helpers know it too.
Have you been worshiping somewhere else?
Why ask it
Let it sound like interest and not like checking up. If they have found another congregation, be pleased for them, ask what they like about it, and offer to help with a transfer of membership once you have found out how your own church handles one.
Did the rest of your household stop coming when you did?
Why ask it
Sometimes the person in front of you would come gladly, and the obstacle is a teenager who refuses, a spouse who never wanted to, or weekends split between two homes. The answer also shows who else deserves a contact of their own, so do not ask one family member to speak for the rest.
Who from the congregation have you stayed in touch with?
Why ask it
One living friendship is a better bridge back than any committee, and that friend may be the right person to make the next contact. No names at all tells you how thin their ties were while they still attended.
Looking back, did you ever feel fully part of things here?
Why ask it
Some members sat on the edge for years and simply stopped when nothing held them. An answer like that is about your church's welcome and its small groups more than about anything recent, and it belongs in your report.
Hurts
Did anything happen here that hurt you?
Why ask it
This is the plainest question on the page and the one visitors most often talk around. Ask once, in an even voice, and wait through the silence. If the answer is no, believe it and go on.
Was there a time you needed the church and we were not there?
Why ask it
The wound may be years old and still the whole reason: a hospital stay with no visit, a funeral few people came to, a call nobody returned. Apologize for the specific thing and leave the word but out of the sentence.
Did anyone reach out when you first stopped coming?
Why ask it
If nobody did, they will know how many weeks it was. When months of silence passed before your call, say so yourself and own it, because carrying on as though the gap never happened costs you their trust for everything that follows.
Is there someone here you find it hard to be in a room with?
Why ask it
They may not give a name, and you should not fish for one. Knowing a conflict exists tells you a warm invitation will not be enough by itself. Offer to help with a conversation only if they ask for one.
Was there a decision by the leadership that you disagreed with or felt shut out of?
Why ask it
Be most careful if you helped make the decision, whether it was a budget, a building, a staff change or a vote. Your task today is to learn how it landed in their house, not to win the argument a second time.
Did you ever feel judged here for your circumstances or your questions?
Why ask it
Divorce, a child's choices, money trouble or doubt may sit behind a yes. Let them decide how much detail to give. What often matters to them is that someone holding an office in the church has finally heard it.
Did something said from the pulpit or in a class push you away?
Why ask it
Write down what they heard, not what you think was meant, whether it came in a sermon, a political aside or a remark about people in their situation. Carry it to the pastor only if they say you may.
Have you told anyone at the church about this before today?
Why ask it
If they did and nothing came of it, you are the second chance and they will watch what you do next. If you are the first to hear it, thank them and ask what they would like done with what they have told you.
Is there an apology you are still waiting for?
Why ask it
Keep this for after a hurt has been named. Give the apology on the spot when it is yours to give. When it belongs to somebody else, do not make it for them; ask whether they would want that person to know.
What do you wish we had done differently?
Why ask it
Here they become the reviewer and you become the note taker, so resist every urge to explain. It also works as the single open box on a written survey, where people will sometimes write what they would not say aloud.
Faith
How are things between you and God these days?
Why ask it
Leaving a congregation and leaving the faith are different things, and this question tells you which you are hearing about. Plenty of people who stay home still pray, so ask out of interest and never as an examination.
Has what you believe changed since you were last with us?
Why ask it
If their convictions have moved, a ride on Sunday answers nothing. Do not debate on the doorstep. Offer an unhurried conversation with the pastor at some later date and accept it if they decline.
What questions about faith have you been carrying on your own?
Why ask it
Doubts tend to go underground when a class had no room for them. You are not there to settle them. If you have wrestled with the same one, saying so does more than a quick answer would.
Has any part of your faith grown while you have been away?
Why ask it
Few people expect to hear this from the church they left. Someone may have prayed more in one hard year than in ten years of Sundays, and taking that in without correcting it shows you came to listen. Skip it when they have just told you they no longer believe.
What do you miss about worshiping with other people, if anything?
Why ask it
The last two words matter, because they make nothing an acceptable reply. If they name the singing, communion or a few faces, you now know what to invite them to, which is more specific than church in general.
Has church in general, not only ours, become hard for you to trust?
Why ask it
Some people have been let down by more than one congregation, or by what they have read about churches in the news. That is larger than your visit can mend, so agree where they are right and do not sell.
Returning
Do you still think of this as your church?
Why ask it
Yes, no and I am not sure are three different conversations. A yes means the tie held and the obstacle lies somewhere else. After a no, everything else in this group will sound like pressure, so go straight to Care.
Would you ever want to come back? It is fine if the answer is no.
Why ask it
Say the second sentence aloud every time. People give an honest maybe once no has been made safe, and a no that you argue with today hardens into a permanent one.
What would need to be different for you to feel comfortable returning?
Why ask it
Sort what you hear into what is in your power and what is not. Promise only the first kind, and say candidly when something they name is not going to change, since a return built on a hope you knew was false will not last.
What would make the first Sunday back easier?
Why ask it
The dread is usually the walk in from the parking lot and the chorus of where have you been. Offer someone to meet them at the door and sit with them, or suggest arriving after the first hymn, and ask which they would prefer before arranging any welcome.
Is there something smaller than a Sunday service you might enjoy first?
Why ask it
A church supper, a work day, a midweek study or a small group in someone's living room asks less of a person than a full sanctuary. Have two real dates with you before you ask, so the invitation is to something and not to an idea.
Would a ride, a different service time, or the online service help at all?
Why ask it
Three concrete offers beat a general one. For the homebound and for people who work weekends this may be the only question that matters. Name only what your church really runs, and check that the ride list has a driver on it.
If you came back, what would you want to be asked to do, and what would you want left alone?
Why ask it
A common fear is being handed the old job at the door. Write the answer down and pass it to whoever fills the rosters. A year of only attending is a reasonable thing for them to ask for.
Would you like us to keep your name on the membership roll, transfer it, or remove it?
Why ask it
Find out before you call how your church or denomination treats inactive members, transfers and removals, because the rules differ widely. Present the three as choices and never as a deadline, and save the whole question for a second contact if the first one was tender.
Care
Whether or not you return, how can we care for you right now?
Why ask it
Everything else on the page leads here. A meal, a lift to an appointment, a visit to their mother in the nursing home: do the thing within the week, since one kept promise persuades more than any invitation.
If you were in the hospital or lost someone close, would you want the pastor to come?
Why ask it
People who have been away often wonder whether they still have a claim on the church for a hospital room, a wedding or a funeral. Know what your church offers before you ask, then tell them plainly.
How would you like to hear from us: a call, a text, a card, or not at all?
Why ask it
They set the channel and how often, and you record it where the next volunteer will find it. Not at all has to be honored too, which may mean taking them off the newsletter and the giving mailings.
Would you rather hear from me, or from someone else in the congregation?
Why ask it
You may be the wrong messenger: too senior, too close to the hurt, or simply a stranger. Take the name they give without offense and brief that person on what not to ask again.
How can I pray for you this week?
Why ask it
Pray then and there if they are willing, and keep it short. A text a few days later saying you did means more than a flyer. With someone who has told you they no longer believe, ask what you can do for them instead.
Is there anything you want passed on to the pastor or elders, and anything you want kept between us?
Why ask it
Repeat back what you will share and what you will not, as visitation reports are sometimes read out in meetings. Learn your church's safeguarding policy beforehand, so you never promise secrecy about harm to a child or an adult at risk.
May I check in again in a month or two?
Why ask it
Name the time frame and put it on your calendar before you pull out of the driveway. A second contact that asks for nothing is what persuades people the first one was not a membership drive.
Is there anything I should have asked and did not?
Why ask it
The real reason often arrives here, with your hand already on the door. Leave a long pause after asking, and if what comes is large, sit back down.
Making the call or the visit
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you pick up the phone
Read the record first
Look up when they joined, what they served in, who is in the household and whether there has been a death, a divorce or a move. Ask the office and one long-standing member what they know. Ten minutes of homework keeps you from the question that proves nobody was paying attention.
Choose the right person to go
An elder who chaired the meeting that upset them is the wrong caller, however kind. Someone they once sat near, served beside or taught with usually gets a longer conversation than a title does. Go in pairs for a home visit if that is your church's practice, and say in advance who is coming.
Say why you are calling in the first breath
Something like: we have missed you, I am not calling about attendance or giving, and I would like to hear how you are. People decide within a sentence or two whether this is a sales call. If the church let a long time go by before anyone made contact, say that as well.
Pick eight, not the whole page
Nobody should be walked through all of this. Take two or three from Opening, two from What changed, the first question under Hurts, one from Faith or Returning as the talk allows, and finish in Care. Leave the list in the car and bring only what you can remember.
Phone, front porch or paper
A phone call
Best for a first contact after a long gap, because it is easy to end. Keep it under fifteen minutes unless they keep it going, stay in Opening and Care, and ask at the close whether a visit would be welcome. A voicemail should give your name, say there is nothing to return unless they want to, and promise one more try.
A home visit
Arrange it; do not drop in. A visit gives room for What changed and Hurts, which need a face and some silence. Sit where they point, accept the coffee, keep your phone away, and leave when you said you would even if it is going well.
A short written survey
Useful when the list of absent members is long, and only alongside a personal note signed by a name they know. Five questions are plenty: how they are doing, what led them to stop coming, whether anything hurt them, how the church could care for them now, and how they would like to be contacted. Make the name optional, leave space to write, and say who will read the replies.
Text and email
Fine for asking permission to call and for the follow-up afterward. Poor for anything in the Hurts group, where a typed question reads colder than it was meant and the reply can be forwarded.
When the answer is hard to hear
Do not defend the church
You will hear things that are unfair, half remembered or simply wrong. Correcting them wins a point and ends the visit. Say back what you heard, ask whether you have it right, and let the account stand as their experience of it.
Apologize for what is yours
If the church failed to visit, to call or to notice, you can say so without checking with anyone. Keep the apology specific and unqualified. For harm done by a particular person, say you are sorry it happened and ask what they would like done, without speaking for someone who is not in the room.
Know what is beyond a visit
Grief, a crisis at home or a report of abuse is more than a visitation volunteer should carry alone. Before you go, ask your pastor what the church's policy and the law where you live require when someone discloses harm, and whom to call. Tell the person you want them to have better help than you can give, and stay in touch while they get it.
Let no be an answer
Some people are finished with this church, or with church. Thank them for the years they gave, tell them the care on offer does not depend on their coming back, and ask the roll question only if they raise it. Leaving well is worth something to both sides.
After the conversation
Write it down the same day
Record what they told you, what you promised, how they want to be contacted and what they asked you to keep private. Notes made a week later turn into a summary of your own impressions.
Keep the one promise
If you said a meal, a ride or a call from the pastor, see that it happens within days and check that it did. A visit followed by nothing confirms the very thing many absent members already believe about being forgotten.
Report with care
Share with the elders or the care team only what the person agreed to, in words they would recognize as fair. Patterns are worth bringing to leadership: three households naming the same change or the same missed hospital visit is a finding about the church.
Make the second contact
A card, a text or a short call a few weeks on, asking for nothing, is what separates care from a campaign. Put the date on the calendar when you write up your notes.