Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend Before Marriage
Questions to ask your boyfriend before marriage, and ideally before the proposal, in six groups: why he wants to marry, when, and what he thinks would end a marriage; children; the actual figures for debt and income; housework and where you would live; his family and faith; and the harder ground of arguments, fidelity, health and habits. Each has a note on what a clear or a vague answer tells you, and some suggest what to ask next. They are practical rather than romantic, and better spread over several conversations than one.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
The marriage
Why do you want to get married, and why now?
Why ask it
Start here, because every later answer leans on this one. A reason that is about the two of you (a life he wants to build, a promise he wants to make) holds up better than one about age, friends' weddings or family pressure. If the "why now" half draws a blank, ask what he thinks would be different if you waited two years.
What are you expecting marriage to change?
Why ask it
A good opener because the honest answer is often "nothing," and that can be either reassuring or the beginning of a real conversation. If he expects it to fix something that is currently difficult, that expectation needs examining now.
What does a good marriage look like to you? Whose do you have in mind?
Why ask it
Almost everyone is working from a specific model, usually their parents' or the opposite of it. Getting the reference point named tells you what he is aiming at and what he is quietly afraid of repeating.
What do you think being a husband asks of you that being a boyfriend does not?
Why ask it
Some men answer with duties such as providing and protecting, some with simply being there, and some have never separated the two roles at all. None of those is wrong, but each implies a matching picture of a wife. Have him describe her too, and see whether you recognise yourself.
Picture us ten years in: where are we living, what work are we each doing, and who else is in the house?
Why ask it
One question that touches place, careers and children at once, which makes it a quick way to find the subject you most need to come back to. Listen for what he leaves out as much as what he includes. Your own job missing from his picture is worth pointing out there and then.
What timeline do you have in your head: engaged by when, married by when?
Why ask it
Two people can agree they are heading for marriage while holding dates several years apart. If he has no timeline, find out what he is waiting to see or to have in place first. A condition you can name, a finished degree or a cleared loan, is very different from a feeling that it is not time yet.
Do you want us to live together before we marry, and what would you expect to learn from it?
Why ask it
Families and faiths differ sharply on this, so his answer may be about what his parents would say more than about what he wants. If you already share a home, turn it round: what has living together shown him that he did not know before, good and bad?
When did you first think you might marry me, and what made you think it?
Why ask it
The warmest question in this group, and a useful one: the answer shows what he actually values in you. A particular moment, such as how you handled a bad day of his or the way you are with his family, is worth more than "I just knew". If what he names is something you only did to impress him early on, now is the time to say so.
Would you expect me to take your last name, and how much would it matter to you if I kept mine?
Why ask it
It sounds like paperwork and often turns out to be about belonging, his family's expectations, or what any children would be called. How strongly he holds the view matters less than whether he can hear yours without treating it as a rejection of him.
Which part of being married are you most nervous about?
Why ask it
Nerves about money, about turning into his parents, or about losing time to himself are ordinary and useful to hear. A flat "nothing" usually means he has not thought past the wedding day, so offer one of your own and try again.
Under what circumstances would you consider divorce?
Why ask it
Asking is not pessimism; it is finding out where his limits are while you can both speak calmly. Someone who says no circumstance at all is telling you something about how he handles the unthinkable, and it is not necessarily reassuring.
Children
Do you want children? How many, and starting roughly when?
Why ask it
All three parts matter, and "eventually" answers none of them. Press gently for specifics, because a vague answer lets both of you leave the conversation believing you agreed.
What happens if one of us has a change of heart about children after we are married?
Why ask it
People do change, in both directions, and often after watching friends become parents. No promise can rule it out. What you can learn is whether he would tell you as soon as the doubt appeared or sit on it for years, so put exactly that to him.
If we could not have children, what would you want to do?
Why ask it
Worth asking before it is a live question rather than during it. Whether he has thought about treatment, adoption, or a life without children tells you how he handles a plan not working, and that is information you will use again.
What kind of father do you want to be, and how is that different from the one you had?
Why ask it
Men who admired their fathers tend to describe a copy, and men who did not describe a correction. Either is a plan of sorts. The detail to listen for is time: how many bedtimes, school runs and sick days he sees himself doing, as opposed to how he hopes to be remembered.
Whose children do you enjoy being around, and what are their parents doing right?
Why ask it
Easier than asking for a parenting philosophy he has never needed. Whether he picks a brother's noisy household or a friend's strict one, you learn what he thinks family life should feel like. If he has never spent an afternoon in charge of a small child, arrange one before either of you settles on a number.
How were you disciplined as a child? Would you do the same?
Why ask it
Views on discipline are often inherited rather than reasoned, and they surface at the worst moment. This gets the inheritance into the open years before anyone is standing in a kitchen at bedtime. If his childhood was a harsh one, let him say as much as he wants to and no more.
With a newborn, how much leave would you take, and who do you picture getting up in the night?
Why ask it
What he is entitled to depends on his employer and on where you live, so the telling part is whether he would take all of it. The night half is deliberately small. An honest "I assumed you would" is a better starting point than a promise of fifty-fifty that neither of you has thought through.
Money
Did your parents argue about money, and what were the arguments about?
Why ask it
An easier way into the subject than his own bank balance, because he is describing other people. Whatever he saw at home, whether one parent hiding purchases, constant worry or money never mentioned at all, is the pattern he will either repeat or overcorrect. It helps to know which before you share an account.
How much debt do you have? Do you know the number?
Why ask it
Ask for the figure, not the category: "some student loans" is not an answer. If he does not know the number, that tells you as much as the number would. Whether a husband's debt can ever become his wife's depends on the law where you live, so find out how it works there before assuming either way.
What do you earn, and what do you realistically expect to earn in five years?
Why ask it
Two figures, both of which shape every plan the two of you make about housing and children. The second one also shows whether his career has a direction or is currently just a job with a salary attached.
How much do you have saved, and what is it for?
Why ask it
What it is for tells you more than how much. A small amount with a purpose says something different from a larger sum that simply piled up, and nothing saved on a comfortable wage points to a habit worth asking about.
Do you want to combine our money, keep it separate, or something in between?
Why ask it
Joint, separate and a shared account for the bills all suit somebody. Find out whether he has a view at all, and whether it quietly assumes that one of you earns more and always will.
What is the largest amount you would spend without mentioning it to me?
Why ask it
Write your numbers down and swap them, so neither of you adjusts to the other. One person's small purchase can be ten times the other's, and that is far better discovered here than over a bank statement.
When there is money left at the end of the month, what happens to it?
Why ask it
This sorts savers from spenders without using either word, which keeps it from sounding like an accusation. If the true answer is that there never is any left, find out where it goes. A saver and a spender can do well together, provided both know which one they are before the first big purchase.
Do you give money to anyone in your family, or expect that one day you will?
Why ask it
In many families supporting parents or a sibling is simply what an adult child does, and he may not think of it as something to mention. What it needs is a figure and a place in the budget, because a standing obligation you learn about in year three feels like a secret even when it never was one.
What should a wedding cost, and who do you assume is paying for it?
Why ask it
The first large sum you will spend together, and a fair preview of every later one. Notice any assumption about your parents or his, and whether he would borrow to do it. If his number is a quarter of yours, better to learn that before anyone has looked at a venue.
Would you want a prenuptial agreement, and how would you take it if I asked for one?
Why ask it
People react to the word before they consider the idea, so give it a minute. The conversation is useful even if you never sign anything, since it makes you both say what you are bringing in and what you think is fair. What an agreement can cover, and whether a court will uphold it, depends on where you live, so that part is for a lawyer there.
Home and work
Who is going to do the housework? Be specific.
Why ask it
General fairness is easy to agree to and means nothing. Go through the actual list: cooking, bins, laundry, bathrooms, admin, remembering birthdays. Resentment about domestic work is built out of tasks nobody ever named.
What does your place look like on a day when nobody is coming over?
Why ask it
Easiest to ask standing in his kitchen, where the answer is on show. Most people's threshold for mess was set long before they met their partner and tends to stay put, so plan around the gap instead of hoping it closes. Two people with different thresholds can share a home happily once the tidier one stops assuming the other can see the mess.
If one of us had to stop working for a while, who would it be and why?
Why ask it
A baby is the usual reason, though study, illness or starting a business count too. The question forces the assumption into the open, whether his reason is money, career stage, or something less examined. Ask what he thinks that person would be entitled to expect while not earning.
Where do you want to settle, and is that a preference or a condition?
Why ask it
Near his family, near yours, a city, somewhere with a garden: all fine as wishes. It is the "condition" part that counts, because a man who could never leave his home town has told you where you will be living. Find out what would have to happen for him to move.
If my work meant moving to another city, would you come?
Why ask it
Treat it as a real possibility even if nothing is on the horizon. A quick yes is pleasant, but the fuller answer covers what he would need to make it work: a job of his own there, a time limit, a way back. Then turn the question on yourself and answer it just as honestly.
Is owning a home something you need, or something you could happily go without?
Why ask it
For some people a mortgage is the point of earning and for others it is a weight. If you differ, every decision about saving, location and children gets pulled two ways. Should he want to buy, the plan becomes real when he says by what age and what he would give up to get there.
How ambitious are you, honestly, and what would you trade for it: evenings, weekends, where we live?
Why ask it
Ambition is attractive in a boyfriend and expensive in a husband if nobody has agreed the price. What you need is the trade stated out loud, so that sixty-hour weeks five years from now are something you both chose and not something that happened to you.
How many evenings a week do you want to yourself or with your friends?
Why ask it
If the Thursday game and Saturdays with his friends are fixtures now, assume they still will be after the wedding. Once married, people tend to treat each other's time as shared by default, and whoever needs more of it alone ends up asking permission. Agreeing a normal week in advance makes a night out a plan and not a negotiation.
Do you want animals in the house: a dog, a cat, or none at all?
Why ask it
Lighter than most of this list, though a dog shapes holidays, housing and mornings for years. Check for allergies and for strong feelings about animals on the bed. If one of you grew up with pets and the other did not, expect the gap to be wider than either of you guesses.
Family and faith
How much time do you expect to spend with your family once we are married?
Why ask it
Trouble with in-laws often starts as a diary problem before it turns into a feelings one. Get the specifics (every Sunday lunch or once a month, how long a visit lasts, how much notice) while it is still hypothetical and nobody is offended.
Which holidays does your family treat as non-negotiable?
Why ask it
Every family has one or two dates where absence is noticed, and they are not always the obvious ones. Write both lists side by side. Where the same day appears on each, decide the rotation now, while it is a calendar question and before it becomes a loyalty one.
When your parents and I disagree, what will you do while it is happening?
Why ask it
The words "while it is happening" are the point. Promising to back you is easy, and speaking up at his mother's table is not. Ask for a time he has actually done it, for you or for anyone else he has brought home, and trust the example over the intention.
What does your family really think about us getting married?
Why ask it
He will know, and he may have been shielding you from it. Reservations about age, faith, background or timing are easier to deal with once spoken, and his willingness to repeat them shows whether he sees you as inside the family conversation or outside it.
What would we do if one of your parents needed to live with us?
Why ask it
Few couples talk about this until a parent's health forces it, and by then it is urgent. His answer shows what he believes he owes his family, and whether he has been assuming your agreement without asking for it.
What part does religion play in your life now, and what part do you expect it to play in ours?
Why ask it
Stick to practice, since belief is harder to compare: how often he attends, prays, fasts or gives, and whether he hopes you will join him. That matters as much for two people of one faith held at different strengths as for two of different faiths. A vague "it's not a big deal" has a way of becoming one at the wedding and again at the first birth.
Would you want our children brought up in a faith, and would you need me to take part in it?
Why ask it
Many people who are relaxed about their own observance turn out to have firm views here, often because of grandparents. Go through the concrete moments: naming or baptism, religious schooling, festivals, food rules. If he would want you to convert or to attend, he should say so before the engagement, not after.
Is there a political or moral question you could not be married across?
Why ask it
Most disagreements about politics are survivable and some are not, and only he knows which of his are which. You are not trying to settle the issue tonight. You are finding out whether he can hold a difference with you calmly, or whether he needs agreement in order to feel respected.
Trust and hard times
What do you do when you are losing an argument?
Why ask it
More useful than asking how he handles conflict in general, because it asks about the moment he is least at his best. Withdrawing, escalating, conceding to end it: whichever it is, you will see it for decades.
When you know you were wrong, how long does it take you to say so?
Why ask it
Minutes, a day and never are all common answers, and he probably knows which is his. Follow up with what a real apology from him sounds like, and whether he needs one from you before he can move on. Mismatched apology habits leave one person feeling that nothing was ever resolved.
When work or money is getting on top of you, do you want company, advice, or to be left alone?
Why ask it
Three different requests, and guessing wrong is how a kind gesture turns into a row. He probably knows his answer and may never have said it out loud. Ask how you can tell he has reached that point, since some people go quiet and others get short about the washing-up.
When do you feel most loved by me, and when do you feel taken for granted?
Why ask it
The "most loved" answer is usually something small you had no idea mattered, such as a message before a hard meeting. "Taken for granted" takes more nerve to say, so do not argue with it when it comes. Do more of the first, and ask what would put the second right.
What about me do you find hardest to live with at the moment?
Why ask it
Whatever he names will still be there after the wedding, so the real issue is whether he can live with it unchanged. If he is counting on you becoming tidier, calmer or less close to your family, you should know that he is waiting for it. If the answer stings, give it a day before you reply.
What ended your last serious relationship, in your version and in hers?
Why ask it
Asking for both versions is what makes this worth doing. Someone who can give his ex's account fairly has thought about his own part. If every past partner was simply unreasonable, consider how the story of you might be told one day.
What counts as cheating in your book, and what only comes close?
Why ask it
The definitions people hold are more varied than they assume, and the edges are where the trouble is: messaging, old friendships, what happens on a work trip. Agreeing the boundary now is far easier than arguing about it afterward.
If the physical side of our marriage went quiet for a while, would you tell me or wait for me to notice?
Why ask it
Long marriages have lean stretches, brought on by illness, a newborn or plain tiredness. What you are learning is his habit: whether he says something kindly or goes quiet and resentful. If either of you intends to wait until the wedding, say that plainly here as well.
What health problems do you live with or expect to, and what runs in your family?
Why ask it
A condition he handles day to day, a spell of depression, something his father and grandfather both had: none of these has to be a reason not to marry, and all of them are things a wife ends up helping with. Tell him your own history in the same breath, and leave what any of it means medically to a doctor.
How much do you drink, gamble or game in a normal week, and has anyone ever asked you to cut down?
Why ask it
The ordinary week is what you want, not the worst one. The "cut down" part matters more, because a habit that a parent, a friend or an ex has already raised is one that has cost him something before. If he becomes angry at being asked, that reaction is part of the answer.
If I got seriously ill, what do you think you would be like?
Why ask it
A question about self-knowledge rather than a promise. The answer worth having is honest about limits, since anyone who says the right thing quickly may not have imagined the practical shape of it at all.
Have you ever been in therapy? Would you go if we needed it?
Why ask it
His answer tells you what he will do when something between you is beyond the two of you to sort out. Reluctance is worth understanding rather than arguing with, and it is much better known in advance.
Is there anything you have not told me that I should know before we do this?
Why ask it
Leave a silence after it. Most of the time the answer is nothing, and the asking itself is what matters. When something does come, it is usually about money, family, or health, and it is always better heard now.
How to work through these before you get engaged
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Structuring the conversations
Match the question to the stage you are at
These are for a boyfriend you are already talking about a future with. Children, faith and where you would live are fair to raise early, since they decide whether there is a future to plan. The exact figures for debt, savings and income can wait until marriage is something you are both planning and not only imagining.
Take one group at a sitting
The list runs in six groups, each about an evening's worth: the marriage itself, children, money, home and work, family and faith, trust and hard times. Trying to cover all of it in one night means the later groups get rushed, and those hold the questions people most want to skip.
If you only have one evening
Ask the first question in each group and the last one on the page. That covers why he wants to marry, children, how money was handled at home, housework, time with his family and how he argues, and ends on the open invitation to tell you anything else. Whichever answer surprised you is where the next conversation starts.
Bring the documents to the money one
Not a metaphor. Actual balances, actual debts, actual pay, both of yours. The money conversation held from memory produces two people describing their finances approximately, which is how couples get married with a materially wrong picture of each other.
Ask, then answer, then write down what you agreed
Answer each question yourself before hearing his, so the asymmetry never develops. Then keep a short note of the numbers and the timings. Couples routinely remember the same discussion with different figures in it, and the note settles that without an argument.
Consider doing some of it with a third person
Many couples work through this material with a counsellor or with whoever is marrying them, and it is worth asking about. A neutral person keeps the difficult questions from being dropped, and being asked something by someone else is easier than being asked by your partner.
The money conversation, in order
- Current balances, savings and debts, on both sides, with the figures visible
- Income now, and what each of you expects it to be in five years
- Whether accounts will be joint, separate, or a mix, and who pays what from where
- The threshold above which either of you would consult the other before spending
- Anything either of you is already committed to: a loan to family, child support, a guarantee, money lent that may never come back
- What the wedding should cost, who is paying, and whether either of you would borrow for it
- What you would each do with a windfall, and what you would do if one of you lost a job
- Whether either of you expects to inherit, and whether that expectation is being planned around
- Whether either of you wants a prenuptial agreement, and who you would ask about how one works where you live
Answers that need a follow-up
Agreement that arrives too fast
Instant agreement on housework, in-laws, or money usually means the question was not really considered. Ask a concrete version: not whether chores will be shared but who cleans the bathroom, and how often. If the second answer contradicts the first, the first was politeness.
The number that does not exist
If he cannot say what he owes, what he earns, or when he wants children by, that is not evasion so much as something never worked out. It is fixable, but it has to be fixed before the plans that depend on it get made.
The subject that keeps sliding
Notice which question gets deflected twice. Humour, a change of topic, or a promise to talk about it later are all the same signal. Name it plainly and calmly: say which subject you keep not finishing, and ask to finish it.
The answer that belongs to his parents
On living together, last names, faith and where to settle, listen for whose view you are hearing. "My mother would never accept that" is information about his family. The follow-up is what he would do if she did not accept it.
Differences that are not negotiable
Some of what surfaces here has no middle position, particularly children, faith practised seriously, and where you live when a parent needs care. Compromise language does not apply to these, and treating them as though it does is how people spend years hoping the other one changes.
What goes wrong
- Asking these after the engagement, when every honest answer costs more to give
- Accepting a vague answer because the evening was going well
- Treating agreement in principle as a decision. Principles do not tell you who is at the bins on Tuesday
- Reading his hesitation on a hard question as doubt about you rather than as thinking
- Arguing about a difference in the same conversation it appears in. Name it, stop, return to it
- Only asking. If he answers every question and you answer none, you have run an interview, and he will remember it that way
- Deciding a difference will resolve itself after the wedding. Nothing on this list gets easier once it is legally binding
- Pushing on when a question makes him angry in a way that frightens you. Stop there, and talk it over with someone you trust before you decide anything