Questions to Ask Your Mother About Yourself
Questions to ask your mother about your own early years: what you were like before you can remember, what she kept from you at the time, and how she sees you now.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What was I like as a baby?
Why ask it
Start here because it is easy and she has told parts of it before. Ask what surprised her rather than asking about milestones.
When did I start talking, and what did I say?
Why ask it
First words are one of the few details parents keep exactly. Expect something odd rather than the version in the baby book.
What did I do for hours on end when I was small?
Why ask it
Early absorption predicts adult interests better than anything you were praised for at the time.
What was I like at school, from your side of it?
Why ask it
She saw the reports, the parent evenings and the walk home. That is a different record from your memory of the same years.
What did I struggle with that I don't remember struggling with?
Why ask it
Probably the most useful question here. Children forget the difficulties adults spent months quietly managing around them.
What was I like with other children?
Why ask it
Early social patterns, leading, following, playing alone, are usually recognizable in how you operate now.
How did I behave when I was ill or upset?
Why ask it
How you were comforted as a child often explains what you find comforting now, and what you refuse from people.
What did I say I wanted to be?
Why ask it
Ask for the sequence rather than one answer. The reason attached to each is the interesting part, and it often explains the job you have.
Which phase of mine was hardest for you?
Why ask it
Better than asking whether you were difficult, because it makes the answer specific and safely in the past.
What was I like as a teenager, from where you were standing?
Why ask it
Expect a version you will want to argue with. Ask what she worried about rather than what you did.
How did I react when things went wrong in the family?
Why ask it
Children take on roles during hard periods, peacemaker, invisible one, comedian, and often keep them for decades without noticing.
What did I do that always made you laugh?
Why ask it
Light relief in the middle of the harder questions, and usually a story you have never heard before.
What did you decide to do differently from how you were raised?
Why ask it
Turns the conversation into something she can be candid about, and it explains rules that never made sense to you.
What did raising me teach you about yourself?
Why ask it
Puts her experience on the table rather than only her observations of you. Many mothers have never been asked this once.
What did I have as a child that you can still see in me?
Why ask it
Ask for the trait and then for the evidence. The evidence is where you learn something you did not already believe.
What have I got wrong about my own childhood?
Why ask it
Direct, and it usually produces one correction to a story you have been telling about yourself for years.
What didn't you tell me at the time?
Why ask it
Money trouble, illness, a family rift. Parents routinely protect children from things that are worth knowing as an adult.
What were you afraid I would become?
Why ask it
A hard question asked plainly. Answers are usually about specific years and specific friends rather than about your character.
What do you think I underestimate about myself?
Why ask it
She has watched you longer than anyone. A compliment means she is being kind; something uncomfortable means she is answering.
What do you hope for me now?
Why ask it
Closes on the present rather than the past. Listen for whether the hopes are hers or the ones she thinks you want to hear.
Asking about the years you can't remember
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How to run the conversation
Ask about periods, not about you in general
What were you like at seven is answerable. What were you like as a child produces a compliment and nothing else.
Take the corrections
Some of what you believe about your childhood will turn out to be wrong, or borrowed from a sibling. That is the point of asking.
Don't defend yourself
If the teenage years come up and you start arguing the case, the honest answers stop. You can disagree afterward.
If it gets difficult
Two memories can both be real
Her account and yours may not match, especially about hard years. You are collecting hers, not settling which one is true.
Notice what she is protecting
A vague answer often means someone else is in the story. Ask again another time, or ask a different relative.
Finish before either of you is worn out
These go better in three sittings than one. Leaving something for next time also gives her space to remember more.
Getting more than an impression
- Ask for an example every time you are given an adjective.
- Ask what an ordinary weekday looked like when you were six.
- Bring school reports, photographs or old drawings; objects prompt far more than questions do.
- Ask what a sibling or your other parent would say, then go and check.
- Write down the answers about the years you have no memory of. Nobody else can supply them.