Questions to Ask Your Mother About Yourself
Your mother is the main witness to the years you cannot remember, and her account starts before you were born. These 60 questions open with the ones to ask about your birth: the day itself, the months of waiting before it and the first week at home. They then run in the order your life did, through the baby years, childhood and your teens, to what she kept from you at the time and how she sees you now. A father or anyone else who was in the room can answer most of the first group, so it also works as a list of questions to ask your parents about your birth.
The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Your birth
How did you find out you were expecting me, and who did you tell first?
Why ask it
This is where the story of your birth really begins, months before the date on the certificate. Her answer may hold surprise or worry as well as joy, which tells you about her life that year and nothing about how much you were wanted.
Where were you when you realized I was on my way?
Why ask it
A birth story tends to open hours before the hospital, in a kitchen, a car or a shift she had to leave. Have her tell the day in order from that moment, because a sequence turns up details a summary skips.
What day and time was I born, and where exactly?
Why ask it
Get the hour, the building and the town, and write them down while she is saying them. A baby book or a family tree needs exactly these facts, and they get harder to confirm with every year.
Who was with you when I was born?
Why ask it
Her answer is a list of other witnesses: a father, a grandmother, a friend, a midwife she still thinks of. Each one holds a slightly different version of the same day, so this question tells you who to ask next.
What was the first thing you thought or said when you saw me?
Why ask it
The true answer is rarely what a greeting card would print: relief, shock at how small you were, a joke to the nurse. If she was too exhausted to think anything at all, that is an honest answer and a better story.
How long did the birth take, and did it go the way you expected?
Why ask it
Let her choose how much detail to give. Some mothers tell this as a comedy and some have waited years for anyone to ask, and a birth that frightened her deserves a slower conversation than a list allows.
Was I early, late or right on time, and did either of us need extra care afterward?
Why ask it
A clinic form sometimes asks about your own birth, and she may be the only person who knows. Write down what she says in her own words, and take any real question about your health to a doctor instead of treating her memory as a record.
What did I look like, and how much did I weigh?
Why ask it
The weight and length are usually on a card somewhere, so ask her to dig it out. The description is the part only she has: the hair, the color you were, who everyone said you resembled.
Did you know beforehand whether I was a boy or a girl?
Why ask it
Finding out at an ultrasound or in the delivery room changes the whole story of the wait: the guesses, the bets, the clothes bought in the wrong color. Ask who was sure they knew, and whether they were right.
What were the months before I was born like for you?
Why ask it
Where she was living, what work she was doing and which smells she could not stand are easier to answer than how she felt. Small physical details bring that stretch back, and the feelings follow them.
How did you choose my name, and what else was on the list?
Why ask it
The names that lost are often funnier than the one that won. Find out who argued for which, and whether you are named after someone, since that person is a second story.
Who came to see me first, and what did they say?
Why ask it
Visitors in the first days are a map of who mattered to your family back then. Listen for people you have never heard of, or who are no longer around.
What was the first night at home with me like?
Why ask it
The visitors leave, the door closes and there is nobody left to ask. That night is a good place to find out what she was afraid of getting wrong.
What was going on in your life and in the news the week I was born?
Why ask it
This sets your birth in a real week, with rent due, a job, the weather and whatever was on the radio. An old newspaper for the date can fill in what she has forgotten.
What did you keep from that week: a bracelet, a card, the first clothes?
Why ask it
If the box exists, ask to go through it together. Handling the objects will prompt more than any question in this group, and you will finally know which closet it lives in.
Baby years
What was I like as a baby?
Why ask it
Skip the milestones and ask what surprised her. Temperament is what stays with a parent: whether you watched, shouted, clung or went happily to anyone.
Where were we living when I was a baby, and where did I sleep?
Why ask it
You may know the first place you lived only as the background of a few photographs. Get the address and the layout, down to the corner of her room where the crib stood, and go past it one day if it is still standing.
How did I sleep, and what finally worked?
Why ask it
If you were a bad sleeper she will tell this one with feeling. The trick that worked, a car ride, a certain song, a hand on your back, is the detail to write down.
What did I eat happily, and what did I refuse?
Why ask it
Food stories are low stakes and easy to laugh about, which makes this a good one after anything heavy. Compare her list with what you will not eat today.
What was my first word, and who was I saying it to?
Why ask it
The baby book often holds the tidy version. Find out what you really said, how you mangled it, and whether the family still says some word your way.
When did I walk, and where was I trying to get to?
Why ask it
The date matters less than the destination. A baby heading for the stairs, the dog or an older sibling is already showing you something about the person.
What toy or blanket could I not be parted from?
Why ask it
Ask what it looked like by the end, and what happened the day it got lost or washed. If it is still somewhere in the house, this is your chance to find out.
What did you sing or read to me so often that you still know it by heart?
Why ask it
Have her say or sing a line of it. A lullaby or a picture book she can still recite is a piece of your first years that you can hear again, and it may have come down from her own mother.
Who looked after me when you couldn't?
Why ask it
A grandparent, a neighbor or a babysitter may have spent whole days with you that you cannot recall. Get their names, because some of them can still be asked.
What could I do for hours without getting bored?
Why ask it
Whatever held you for a whole afternoon was your own choice, made before anyone praised you for it. See whether it has anything in common with what absorbs you now.
What was I frightened of when I was small?
Why ask it
The fear itself is probably ordinary: the dark, a dog, the bath drain. What she did about it shows you how comfort worked in your house.
Which story about me as a toddler do you tell most, and what gets left out of it?
Why ask it
Family stories get polished with retelling until they are mostly punchline. Asking for the missing part often gets you what really happened that day.
Childhood
What do you remember about my first day of school?
Why ask it
She watched you walk in and then had to walk away, which is a different morning from the one you half remember. Find out what you wore, whether you cried, and whether she did.
What did my teachers say about me that you never passed on?
Why ask it
Parents filter what comes home from a school meeting, in both directions. You may hear praise she thought would go to your head, or a concern she quietly dealt with.
What was I like with other children?
Why ask it
Give her a scene to picture: a playground, a birthday party, the first morning somewhere new. Whether you ran in, hung back or organized everyone is easier for her to describe than your character in general.
Who was my first real friend, and what did the two of us do?
Why ask it
She may remember a name you have lost entirely, along with that child's parents and the house you were always at. Ask what ended it: a move, a new school or a falling out.
What illnesses, allergies or accidents did I have as a child that I should know about?
Why ask it
The person who sat in the waiting room remembers which year, which arm and what you reacted to. Ask whether she kept any records as well, and let a doctor decide what any of it means for you now.
What did I want from you when I was upset?
Why ask it
Some children want to be held and some want to be left alone with the door open. Find out which you were, then check it against what you want from people on a bad day now.
What did I say I wanted to be when I grew up?
Why ask it
Get the whole sequence and not one answer: the vet, the bus driver, the pop star. The reason you gave for each is what to listen for, and one of them may still be at work in the job you have.
What did I do that always made you laugh?
Why ask it
Put this one wherever the conversation needs air. It tends to produce a story you have never heard, sometimes told in the voice you had at five.
What did I struggle with that I don't remember struggling with?
Why ask it
Reading, tying shoes, making a friend, a year of stomach aches before school. Something the adults spent months getting you through can vanish from your own memory, which leaves her as the only record of it.
How did I take to having a brother or sister, or to being the only one?
Why ask it
A new sibling is one of the first big events of a childhood, and you were probably too young to keep your own account of it. An only child can ask instead whether she ever thought you were lonely.
What did I ask for over and over that you kept saying no to?
Why ask it
A pet, a later bedtime, a particular pair of shoes. Her reason for refusing is the half you never heard, and it may have been about money or a worry she did not explain then.
How did I cope when something hard happened in the family?
Why ask it
Name one real event, a move, a lost job, a grandparent's illness, and ask what she saw you do. Whether you went quiet, played the clown or tried to fix it is something only an adult watching could tell you.
Teen years
What was I like as a teenager, from where you were standing?
Why ask it
Expect a version you will want to argue with. Steer her toward what she worried about, which you never saw, and away from what you did, which you remember well enough.
Which of my friends did you worry about, and which did you trust?
Why ask it
She formed opinions at the front door and mostly kept them to herself. Hearing them years later is funny where she was wrong and sobering where she was right.
What did you know about back then that I thought I had hidden from you?
Why ask it
Parents often notice more than they let on and choose their battles. Treat it as a comedy question, since nobody is in trouble now.
What did we argue about most, and what was it really about for you?
Why ask it
The curfew or the state of your room was the surface. Years on she can say what sat under it, fear for you, tiredness, being spoken to that way, and you can listen without needing to win.
Which phase of mine was hardest for you?
Why ask it
Asking whether you were difficult gets a polite no. A phase has a beginning and an end, so she can describe it honestly without it sounding like a verdict on you.
What were you most afraid of for me in those years?
Why ask it
Her fear will be tied to particular years and particular friends, not to your character. Hearing it named can explain a rule or a fight that seemed to come from nowhere.
What was it like for you when I left home?
Why ask it
You were busy with a new room and new people, so you saw one side of that day at most. Ask what the house was like the first week, and what she did with your bedroom.
When did you first think of me as an adult?
Why ask it
The moment is often small: a phone call you handled, a train you caught alone, a day you looked after her. It marks the point where her account of your childhood ends.
Her side
What did you decide to do differently from how you were raised?
Why ask it
Her own childhood is what she was working from, or against. A rule that never made sense to you, no shouting at the table, always a packed lunch, may turn out to answer something that happened to her.
What was going on in the family that you kept from me at the time?
Why ask it
Money trouble, an illness, a family rift. She held it back to protect a child, so tell her you are asking as an adult who would like to know now.
What decision about me did you lose sleep over?
Why ask it
A school, a move, whether to let you go on a trip, whether to step in with a friend. You lived the result without knowing there had ever been a choice.
What did you and my father disagree about when it came to raising me?
Why ask it
Swap in whoever shared the job with her: a stepparent, a grandmother, an aunt. You probably saw a united front, or one argument with none of the background, so ask without taking a side, above all if the other person is not there to answer.
What did raising me teach you about yourself?
Why ask it
Every other question in this group still circles back to you. This one is about what the job did to her, her patience, her temper, what she found she could do on no sleep, and it may be the first time anyone has asked.
What would you do differently with me if you had those years again?
Why ask it
Ask it out of curiosity, not as an invitation to apologize. If she does apologize for something, you do not have to settle it on the spot.
What were you proud of in me that you never said out loud?
Why ask it
Some families do not say these things, and the silence gets read as indifference. A direct opening is often all she needs.
You now
What about me as a child can you still see in me now?
Why ask it
Get the trait first and then the evidence: the afternoon she is thinking of, the thing you said. The evidence is where you learn something you did not already believe.
Who in the family do I take after, and in what way?
Why ask it
You may be compared to someone you barely knew, a great-aunt's temper or a grandfather's hands. Ask for a story about that person, because it is partly a story about you.
What have I got wrong about my own childhood?
Why ask it
Offer her one story you tell about yourself, the house you think you hated, the year you believe you were always in trouble, and ask whether that is how it was. One correction is enough to change a story you have repeated for years.
What do you think I underestimate about myself?
Why ask it
She has watched you longer than anyone. A compliment means she is being kind; something uncomfortable means she is answering.
What do you understand about me now that you didn't while I was growing up?
Why ask it
This lets her revise her own account, which parents rarely get the chance to do. It can also be where a long misunderstanding gets named for the first time.
What do you hope for me now?
Why ask it
End here, on the present instead of the past. Listen for whether the hopes are her own or the ones she thinks you want to hear.
Asking about the years you can't remember
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Asking about your birth
Let her decide where the story starts
Most birth stories are told fondly, but some include an emergency, a loss before or after, or weeks she barely remembers. Say you would love to hear about when you were born, as much as she wants to tell, and follow her lead on the rest of the Your birth group.
Find the paperwork first
A baby book, a hospital bracelet, the card with your weight on it, the first photographs. Ask where they are before you sit down, because a date or a number she is unsure of is often written on something in a drawer.
Put the same questions to everyone who was there
Your father, a grandparent or an aunt may remember the waiting, the phone calls and the drive, which she could not see from where she was. Ask each of them three or four of the birth questions and keep the differences instead of ironing them out.
If she was not there, or cannot be asked
If you were adopted or raised by someone else, or your mother has died or her memory has gone, the birth questions may belong to a different person: a father, a grandparent, an older sibling, a family friend. Some facts are also held in official birth records, and how you request those depends on where you were born, so ask how it works there.
For a school project or a birthday
A class assignment about your birth needs only a handful of answers: the day, the place, the name and one story from the baby years. On a birthday, asking her to tell the day again is a habit worth starting, and a phone recording of it costs nothing.
How to run the conversation
Ask about periods, not about you in general
What were you like at seven is answerable. What were you like as a child produces a compliment and nothing else.
Take the corrections
Some of what you believe about your childhood will turn out to be wrong, or borrowed from a sibling. That is the point of asking.
Don't defend yourself
If the teenage years come up and you start arguing the case, the honest answers stop. You can disagree afterward.
If it gets difficult
Two memories can both be real
Her account and yours may not match, especially about hard years. You are collecting hers, not settling which one is true.
Notice what she is protecting
A vague answer often means someone else is in the story. Ask again another time, or ask a different relative.
Finish before either of you is worn out
These go better in two or three sittings than one. Leaving something for next time also gives her space to remember more.
Getting more than an impression
- Ask for an example every time you are given an adjective.
- Ask what an ordinary weekday looked like when you were six.
- Bring school reports, photographs or old drawings; objects prompt far more than questions do.
- Ask what a sibling or your other parent would say, then go and check.
- Write down the answers about the years you have no memory of. Nobody else can supply them.
- Treat what she remembers about your health as something to take to a doctor, not as a medical record.