Questions to Ask Your Family About Yourself
Questions to ask your family about yourself: what you were like as a baby and a child, what they remember that you can't, and how you come across now. The list is grouped by who to ask, with parents first, then grandparents, siblings, and aunts, uncles and cousins, and a last group that suits any relative. Each question has a note on what a good answer sounds like and what to do with it.
Want questions from the whole vault instead? Try the random question generator.
The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Parents
What kind of baby was I: easy, loud, or awake at all hours?
Why ask it
The built-in choices make this an easy first question for a mother or father, and most parents have told a piece of it before. Follow up with what surprised them about you, which gets past the standard story to a detail only they hold.
What do you remember about the day I was born, or the day I came home?
Why ask it
The second half is there for adoption, fostering and long hospital stays, so use whichever fits your family. Ask who else was there and what the weather was doing. Small details like those tend to bring the rest of the day back.
How did you pick my name, and what was I nearly called?
Why ask it
The runner-up is the part most people have never heard. If the name came from a relative, ask what that person was like, and you have your first question for a grandparent as well.
What was my first word, and who was I saying it to?
Why ask it
A parent who is unsure of the word usually still remembers the scene around it, so take the scene. If your mother and father give different words, write down both and leave the argument for another day.
What did I flatly refuse to eat, wear or do when I was little?
Why ask it
A parent tends to remember a refusal longer than a favorite, because somebody had to get you fed or dressed anyway. Ask how they got around it at the time, and listen for a refusal you are still making.
Which toy, blanket or object did I drag everywhere, and what became of it?
Why ask it
An answer with a name in it (the gray rabbit, the yellow cup) means the memory is sharp, so keep going. If the thing still exists in a box somewhere, ask to see it before you leave.
What scared me as a small child, and how did you calm me down?
Why ask it
How they calmed you is the half worth hearing. Whether at four you wanted to be held, talked through it or left alone is interesting to set beside what you want from people on a bad day now.
What did I say I was going to be when I grew up?
Why ask it
Ask for the whole run of answers, since most children get through several, and how long each one lasted. The reason you gave at six (the uniform, the truck, the animals) often says more than the job did, so ask whether they remember it.
What was I like on my first day of school?
Why ask it
Parents watched this one from the doorway, a view you never had. A good answer has a detail in it, such as whether you looked back. If all you get is 'fine', ask what they did with the rest of that morning.
What did my teachers say about me that you never passed on?
Why ask it
Praise was handed on at the time, so this asks for the comments that got filtered. Take them as one adult's view of a child in a classroom, decades old, and not as a verdict on you.
What did I get in trouble for most often?
Why ask it
You probably remember the punishments and not the pattern. Ask whether they put it down to mischief, stubbornness or boredom, since their reading of the cause shows how they saw you.
What was I like to live with as a teenager?
Why ask it
Say up front that you can take the honest version, or you will get the polite one. A good answer has a scene in it, such as a slammed door or a particular silence at dinner. Ask what they wish they had known about you that year. They may have been more worried than angry.
What worried you most about me, and when did the worry ease?
Why ask it
If they can name the year and the reason, they have thought about this before. 'It never did' is also a real answer, and the follow-up is what they worry about for you these days.
Which of you do I take after, and when did you first see it?
Why ask it
Put it to each parent separately if you can, because the two answers rarely match. One who claims all your good habits and assigns the rest to the other side of the family is joking, mostly.
Grandparents
How did you find out I had been born, and how soon did you get to see me?
Why ask it
Grandparents often remember the news and the trip as clearly as the baby: who rang whom, the drive, what they were in the middle of. Let them tell that part before the part with you in it. It places your arrival in their life and not only in your parents'.
Who in the family did I look like as a baby, and who do I look like now?
Why ask it
Expect a name you barely know, a great-aunt or a brother of theirs from long ago. Ask whether there is a photograph of that person. The likeness may be mostly in their mind, and the photo is worth having either way.
Who do I remind you of in the way I act, even someone I never met?
Why ask it
This one is about manner and not looks: a walk, a temper, a laugh, a way of telling a story. If the comparison is to someone the family speaks of carefully, ask what that person was like at their best before anything else.
How was I different as a child from my mother or father at the same age?
Why ask it
A grandparent is often the only person who watched both childhoods up close. The useful answers are comparisons with a scene in them: your father hid behind the couch when visitors came and you answered the door. Enjoy it and keep it to yourself. It is not ammunition for the next argument with your parent.
What did my parents ask your advice about when I was small?
Why ask it
The answer shows which parts of raising you were hard enough to need help. A grandparent who says they were never asked may still be a little sore about it, so smile and move along.
What was I allowed to do at your house that I couldn't do at home?
Why ask it
Later bedtimes and a second dessert are the usual confessions, and they tend to be made with a grin. Anything beyond that was a secret the two of you kept, and it is good to learn you had one.
What did we do together when it was only the two of us?
Why ask it
You may remember the place and not the routine. Ask what you used to talk about on those days. A small child will sometimes tell a grandparent what they would not say at home, and a grandparent may have kept one of those lines for decades.
Which family story about me gets told wrong, and what really happened?
Why ask it
Stories are polished at every telling until the funniest version wins. Whoever was the adult in the room can give you the plain one. Sometimes it is kinder to you than the legend and sometimes it is not.
What runs in this family that you can see in me?
Why ask it
They get to choose what counts: a trade, a singing voice, a way with money, a streak of stubbornness. Ask who had it before you and how it went for them. If a health condition comes up, take it as something to raise with a doctor, not as a fact about you.
Siblings
What was I like to share a room, a back seat or a bathroom with?
Why ask it
A brother or sister who would dodge 'what was I like' will happily describe the line you drew down the middle of the car. Laugh at the charges before you contest any of them.
What did I get away with that you never did?
Why ask it
Every sibling keeps this ledger and it has rarely been read aloud. Hear the whole list without correcting it. The item they open with is the one that stung, and saying 'that wasn't fair' costs you nothing.
When we made up games, which part did I always insist on playing?
Why ask it
Boss, baby, villain, referee: the role you grabbed at seven is fun to hold up against how you behave in a meeting. Ask which part they were left with, too.
What did I do to you as a kid that I still owe you an apology for?
Why ask it
Usually it is small and oddly exact, a broken toy or a secret told. Apologize on the spot and skip the history lesson. If something bigger comes out, say you are glad they told you and return to it later, with only the two of you there.
What do you remember from our childhood that I seem to have lost completely?
Why ask it
Two children in one house keep different footage. Don't dispute their version. Ask how old you both were and where it happened, because a year and a place are often enough to bring your own memory of it back.
What was I like when the adults weren't around?
Why ask it
Your parents saw the supervised version. A sibling saw who you were kind to, what you did when you lost and whether you told on people. A fond answer here is worth more than any old report card.
At what age was I the hardest to have as a brother or sister?
Why ask it
It will probably fall somewhere in your teens, and it will be named quickly. Ask what you were like toward them in particular. An older sibling and a younger one tend to pick different years, so ask both if you have both.
What did you copy from me, and what did you decide never to do because of me?
Why ask it
Flattering in one half and humbling in the other, this one suits a younger sibling best. An older one can be asked the mirror version: what they watched you do differently from them.
Do I turn into someone else when we are all back in the same house?
Why ask it
Siblings can see it happen: the old sulk, the old joke, the old seat at the table. If the answer is yes, ask what sets it off. That is something you can watch for at the next holiday.
Wider Family
What was I like at family gatherings when I was small?
Why ask it
An aunt or uncle saw you a few times a year, so what they have is a set of snapshots: the shy one behind a leg, the performer, the one under the table with a book. Snapshots are blunt, but nobody has softened them by living with you.
What did my parents tell you about me when I was growing up?
Why ask it
This asks for the phone-call version of your childhood, the bragging and fretting your parents did to other adults. It is often kinder than you would guess. If it isn't, remember you are getting it third hand and years late.
Which cousin was I closest to, and what did the two of us get up to?
Why ask it
Best put to the cousin in question, who will remember the scheme and who took the blame for it. If you have drifted apart since, this is an easy way back in.
What did you expect me to grow up to be?
Why ask it
Relatives make predictions about children and seldom report them. Whether the guess came true matters less than what it rested on, so ask what you were doing at eight that gave them the idea.
Is there a visit or a holiday with me that your side of the family still talks about?
Why ask it
If a story about you is in circulation in another household, you ought to hear it. The answer also shows which branch of the family kept an eye on you, and that is the branch to ask for old photographs.
What photo or keepsake of me have you held on to?
Why ask it
Now the conversation has something you can hold. Ask to photograph it, and to have the back read out to you: dates and names in someone's handwriting don't survive being described from memory.
What did you notice about me that my parents were too close to see?
Why ask it
A godparent or an old family friend can answer this as well as an aunt can. Notice whether they name a strength or a struggle. Then ask if they ever mentioned it to your parents, and how that went.
Anyone
What is your favorite memory of me?
Why ask it
Put it to several relatives and compare. People tend to choose a moment that shows you at your best with a small tease in it, and the choice shows what each of them holds on to about you. If someone picks a day you have forgotten, ask what you said.
If you had to describe me in three words, which three would you pick?
Why ask it
Three is few enough that they have to choose, and what gets left out is as telling as what goes in. Ask for the story behind the word you least expected. If a grandparent and a sibling land on the same word, that is probably how you come across.
What is the same about me now as when I was five?
Why ask it
The oldest relative in the room gives the best answer, having the longest run of evidence. People tend to name a manner and not a fact: how you enter a room, how you argue, how you go quiet.
What do I say or do that the whole family could imitate?
Why ask it
Request the impression itself and brace for it. A phrase, a gesture or a way of answering the phone that three relatives can perform identically is a habit you didn't know was public.
What do you think is the best thing about me?
Why ask it
It can feel like fishing for a compliment, so say you are asking everyone and want a real answer. Relatives tend to name something you do for other people and not a talent: you turn up, you remember birthdays, you keep the peace. Say thank you and resist handing the compliment straight back.
What job does this family hand to me without asking?
Why ask it
The planner, the driver, the one who phones Grandma, the one who is let off everything. If you hear a job you never agreed to, you can say so now, pleasantly, while everybody is in a good mood.
What have I done as an adult that surprised you?
Why ask it
Surprise gives away what they had assumed. If they are pleasantly surprised that you turned out patient, or that you moved abroad, the family's old picture of you was smaller than you are. Find out what they had expected instead.
When have you been proud of me and not said so?
Why ask it
Plenty of families are better at feeling this than saying it, and the question does the saying for them. Let the answer land without joking it away. A relative who can't think of one at the table may bring it up at the door as you leave.
What do I get wrong about how you see me?
Why ask it
You have been carrying a guess about what each relative thinks of you, and this checks it. The correction is often a relief, along the lines of 'I never thought you were the difficult one'. When it isn't a relief, it is at least accurate.
What do I do that makes family time harder than it has to be?
Why ask it
Ask one person, in private, never across the dinner table. A useful answer names a behavior and an occasion, like arriving late to every meal or taking over the kitchen. If it turns into a list of character flaws, thank them and stop there.
What should I know about my early years that nobody has thought to tell me?
Why ask it
A catch-all for late in the visit, once they are warmed up. Wait through the pause instead of filling it. Whatever comes out, light or heavy, thank them first and ask your questions second.
What about your own life do you wish I asked about?
Why ask it
After a run of questions about yourself, this hands the conversation back. Older relatives especially tend to name one subject, their work, a town they lived in, a person they lost, and then your next visit is planned.
How to ask your family about yourself
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Which relative to ask what
Parents hold the first years
The Parents group is for a mother, a father or whoever raised you. It covers the stretch you cannot remember: the baby you were, your name, first words, fears, the first day of school. Where you have two parents to ask, ask them apart. They were often in different rooms for the same event.
Grandparents hold the longer story
A grandparent can tell you who you resemble three generations back and how you compared with your own mother or father at the same age. Those answers are held by the oldest people you can ask, so if you only have time for one group this year, make it this one.
Siblings saw the unsupervised version
A brother or sister was at your height and in the room when the adults were not. Their group is the least polite and often the most accurate. An older sibling remembers you as small; a younger one remembers being bossed by you. Both are true.
Aunts, uncles and cousins saw you in snapshots
The Wider Family group suits anyone who saw you a few times a year: aunts, uncles, cousins, godparents, an old family friend. They missed the daily detail and kept a clear outline instead, and they heard what your parents said about you to other adults.
When the obvious person isn't there to ask
If you were adopted, raised by someone other than a parent, or a parent has died or is out of touch, start from whoever knew you earliest: an older cousin, a neighbor, a parent's closest friend. The Anyone group works with every one of them, and most questions in the other groups need only a change of 'you' to 'they'.
Setting up the conversation
One relative at a time
At a full table the loudest memory wins and everyone else agrees with it. Take one person aside: in the car, in the kitchen while something cooks, on a walk. The hard questions near the end of the Anyone group should never be asked in front of an audience.
Say why you are asking
A relative who is suddenly asked what you were like as a child may wonder what is wrong. One sentence settles it: you are writing things down while people remember them, or you realized how little you know about your first five years.
Bring a photograph
An old picture often does more than a question. Hand it over and ask where it was taken and who is just outside the frame. People who say they remember nothing will talk for ten minutes about a kitchen wallpaper.
Three or four questions a visit
This is not an interview to finish in one sitting. Pick a few from the group that fits the person, let each answer run as long as it wants, and keep the rest for next time. A relative who enjoyed it will start volunteering stories unprompted.
Keep what you hear
Ask first, then record a voice memo on your phone, or write the answers down the same evening with the date and who said them. A grandparent's voice telling the story is worth more later than your summary of it.
From a distance
For relatives you rarely see, send two questions in a message or a letter and say there is no hurry. Some people answer better in writing, with time to think, than they ever would on a call.
What to do with the answers
When two relatives remember it differently
They will. Your mother has you walking at ten months and your grandmother says a year. Write down both with a name beside each and don't appoint a winner. The disagreement is part of the family record, and settling it at the table only stops people talking.
When an answer stings
You asked how you come across, and sooner or later someone will tell you. Say thank you, ask for one example, and leave your defense for another day. A relative who is argued with after an honest answer gives you polite ones from then on.
When they say they can't remember
Make the question smaller. Not 'what was I like' but 'where did I sleep in that house' or 'who walked me to school'. Places, routines and objects tend to come back more easily than descriptions, and they bring the rest along.
When something heavy comes out
Questions about early years sometimes open onto an illness, a loss or a hard stretch in the family that you were never told about. Slow down, let them decide how much to say, and don't push for the rest that day. You can come back to it once you have both had time.
Give something back
A whole visit spent on yourself can feel one-sided to the person answering. Trade a memory of your own about them, and end on the last question in the list, which turns the asking around.