Questions to Ask Your Pastor About Relationships
Questions for a conversation with your pastor about dating, marriage and trouble in a relationship, covering how they counsel couples, what the church teaches, where they refer people, and what stays confidential.
The questions
Open any question for the note
How do you usually work with couples here, and at what point do people normally come to you?
Why ask it
You are asking what this actually is: a few sessions, an ongoing arrangement, or a referral to someone in the congregation. It also tells you whether people come early or only in a crisis, which shapes what they have seen.
What training do you have in counselling, and where do your limits sit?
Why ask it
Pastoral training varies widely, from a full counselling qualification to none. A pastor who names their limits clearly is more useful than one who takes on everything, and the answer tells you what to bring elsewhere.
What is said to you in confidence, and is there anything you would be obliged to pass on?
Why ask it
Ask before you disclose, not after. Reporting duties, elder oversight and church discipline processes differ, and you are entitled to know who else might hear what you say.
What do you look for when a couple asks you to marry them?
Why ask it
Their criteria reveal what the church believes a marriage requires, and whether there are requirements you have not been told about: membership, classes, a waiting period, a conversation with your families.
Which passages do you turn to most with couples, and how do you read them?
Why ask it
Asking how they read them, rather than what the Bible says, gets you an interpretation you can weigh instead of a verdict. Note whether they distinguish their own view from the denomination's teaching.
What does your church teach about dating, and what does that look like week to week?
Why ask it
Stated teaching and lived practice often differ. Ask what they actually advise about time alone together, meeting families and how long people usually date before engagement here.
What do you say to someone who has not waited?
Why ask it
The answer tells you whether the pastoral response is shame or restoration, and whether you can be honest with them. Listen for how they talk about people already in that position, not about the standard.
How do you counsel a couple where one is a believer and one is not?
Why ask it
Answers range from firm discouragement to careful support. Ask what they would advise about a wedding, about children and about a partner who attends but does not believe, since those are the concrete decisions.
What does headship, submission or complementarity mean in practice in your teaching, and what does it not mean?
Why ask it
The second half is the important one. A teaching that can be described only in principle, with no limits given, is one that gets misused, and any answer that removes a wife's ability to refuse or to leave is worth raising with someone outside the church.
When is forgiving someone not the same as staying with them?
Why ask it
This is the question that matters most in a church setting, because forgiveness language is routinely used to keep people in harmful situations. A sound answer separates forgiveness from reconciliation, and reconciliation from safety.
What would you do if I told you I was afraid of my partner?
Why ask it
Ask it even if it is hypothetical, because the answer tells you what would happen if it were not. You want to hear safety first, a referral to people trained in domestic abuse, and no requirement to bring the other person into the room.
What does rebuilding look like after one of us has broken trust?
Why ask it
Look for a description of steps and a timescale rather than an instruction to forgive and move on. Ask what accountability they expect from the person who caused the harm, since a plan that asks nothing of them is not a plan.
What does the church hold about divorce and remarriage, and how do you handle it pastorally?
Why ask it
Stated doctrine and practice can differ here more than anywhere else. Ask directly whether a divorced person can remarry in this church, serve, or hold office, because assumptions on this cause real harm later.
What have you seen hold marriages together in this congregation, and what have you seen sink them?
Why ask it
It draws on what they have actually watched over years rather than on doctrine. Concrete answers about money, isolation, work hours or in-laws are a good sign; a purely spiritual answer means you are getting the sermon.
What do you tell couples about money, since that is where most of our arguments start?
Why ask it
Money advice in a church setting can slide into giving and tithing rather than budgeting. Ask what they advise about debt, separate accounts and unequal incomes, and note whether they refer people to anyone with expertise.
How do we keep prayer and church life from becoming a performance for each other?
Why ask it
A common and rarely discussed problem in couples who met through church. A pastor who has seen it will describe specific habits rather than encouraging more of the same activity.
When is a couple's problem not a spiritual problem?
Why ask it
You want to hear depression, addiction, trauma, illness and abuse named, along with the professionals they send people to. A pastor who treats every difficulty as a matter of faith or obedience is the wrong person for those situations.
What do you wish couples asked you before the wedding instead of after?
Why ask it
This is where you get their most useful material, because they are naming the gap they keep seeing. Expect something practical about expectations, families or the first year.
How do you want us to come to you when we are struggling, and how soon?
Why ask it
Sorts out the mechanics before you need them: whether to email, whether they see couples together or separately, how long the wait is. It also removes the sense that asking for help is an admission.
What could we be doing for the couples who are a few years behind us?
Why ask it
Ends by moving from receiving advice to offering something, which is often where a pastoral relationship becomes mutual. Their answer also shows whether the church has any support structure or relies entirely on the pastor.
Bringing a relationship to your pastor
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before the meeting
Decide what you want from it
Advice, a scriptural view, practical help, or someone to say a hard thing out loud to. Saying which at the start prevents an hour of general encouragement.
Ask about confidentiality first
Do this before you tell them anything difficult. Church structures vary, and knowing whether elders, a spouse or a denomination may be involved lets you decide how much to say.
Ask for the teaching and the personal view separately
Denominational teaching, congregational practice and their own opinion are three different things and are often given as one. Ask which you are hearing.
Go alone at least once if you are struggling
Some things cannot be said with your partner present, particularly if you are frightened or considering leaving. Ask whether they will see you on your own.
If there is any fear or harm involved
If you are afraid of your partner, being controlled, or being hurt, tell someone trained in domestic abuse as well as your pastor. Joint counselling is not appropriate in these situations, and advice to submit, to forgive quickly, or to keep the family together at any cost is not advice you have to follow. A domestic abuse helpline, a doctor or a licensed counsellor can talk to you confidentially. If you are in immediate danger, contact emergency services first.
Common pitfalls
Treating one conversation as a decision
A pastor who tells you within an hour whether to marry someone is guessing. Take the input, sit with it, and gather other views before you act.
Using guidance to avoid your own judgment
Asking what God wants can become a way of not saying what you want. Be honest with them about your own position, or the advice will be built on a version of you that does not exist.
Expecting clinical help from pastoral care
Depression, addiction and trauma need treatment as well as prayer. Ask for a referral outright rather than working through it in weekly meetings.
Not telling them what you have already decided
If you have made up your mind, say so and ask for what you need instead. Otherwise you will be counselled about a decision that is no longer open.