Questions to Ask Your College Roommate
For two people in one room with no door between them, which is a kind of closeness most people have never had with a stranger. These twenty are about the space itself and the privacy you each keep inside it: who comes in and with how much warning, what can be borrowed, the door and the key, what you say about each other to other people, and what you would rather keep to yourself. They assume the practical rules are already agreed and you now want the unwritten ones.
The questions
Open any question for the note
When you come back to the room, do you want to talk or do you want quiet?
Why ask it
The single most repeated moment of the year, and the one most likely to go wrong daily. Once you know the answer you can stop reading silence as a mood.
How much warning do you want before I bring someone back here?
Why ask it
A minute, an hour and a day are all reasonable answers and they are not interchangeable. Agree the number and the whole guest question mostly solves itself.
Is there a time of day you want this room to be yours?
Why ask it
Even a regular hour alone makes a shared room bearable, and it is easy to grant once it is asked for. Trade one each and neither of you has to negotiate it again.
Do you mind me being in here while you sleep, and what should I avoid doing?
Why ask it
Screens, keyboards, drawers and door handles are the usual culprits and people differ about all of them. Better to be told than to guess in the dark.
How do you feel about my friends being in the room when you are here?
Why ask it
Note whether the answer includes a limit, such as not after a certain hour or not when I have an exam. A blanket it's fine is often withdrawn silently later, so ask what the actual threshold is.
How do you feel about someone staying over, and how often would be too often?
Why ask it
The most awkward conversation to have and the worst one to skip. Agreeing in advance on notice and a frequency spares you the position of waking up to a stranger and having no ground to stand on.
Where does your half stop and mine start, and does that matter to you?
Why ask it
Some people need a visible line and others never think about it, and both find the other baffling. Saying which you are prevents a slow argument about a desk.
Do you eat in the room, and does the smell of food bother you?
Why ask it
Small and immediate. It settles the microwave question, the takeout question and whether anything is going to sit in the trash overnight.
Is there anything of mine you would rather I kept out of sight?
Why ask it
Invites the small honest complaint that nobody volunteers, and it is easier to hear when you asked for it. The answer is usually something harmless you can simply move.
Is there anything of yours you would rather I never borrow?
Why ask it
Phrasing it as a request for their list is easier than announcing your own, and it gets you both. Watch for the item mentioned with hesitation, because that is the one that would have caused the problem.
Do you mind me changing in the room, or would you rather we gave each other a minute?
Why ask it
Awkward for about four seconds and then settled for the year. Habits here vary far more than people assume, and nobody wants to raise it in week six.
How do you feel about locking the door and lending out your key?
Why ask it
This is a security question dressed as a habit question. A roommate who props the door for friends is making a decision about your laptop as well as theirs.
How do you feel about me taking calls in here, or should I step out?
Why ask it
Phone calls in a small room are the complaint roommates most often swallow. Deciding it in advance means neither of you has to be the one who mentions it.
Is there anything you would rather I did not tell people about you?
Why ask it
You will see things nobody else on the floor sees, and it is worth saying out loud that they stay in the room. Ask early and answer it about yourself too.
How much do you want to know about my life, and how much do you want to keep to yourself?
Why ask it
Gives permission for a roommate who wants a polite co-tenant rather than a close friend, which is a legitimate preference. Assuming friendship and being wrong is one of the more common first-semester disappointments.
What would you want me to say if my friends ask about you?
Why ask it
Roommates get discussed constantly and rarely get a say in how. Giving each other the wording is a small courtesy that prevents most of the damage.
Are there religious or cultural practices I should plan around?
Why ask it
Prayer times, fasting, a day of rest, dietary rules or family visits all affect a shared room. Asking directly is straightforward and far better than a roommate quietly working around you.
Is there anything about your health I should know if something goes wrong?
Why ask it
Allergies, asthma, seizures, diabetes, anything with an emergency medication. This is a practical question, not a personal one, and the answer only needs to be as detailed as an ambulance crew would want.
Who should I call if something happens to you and I cannot reach you?
Why ask it
Swap one name and number each and keep it somewhere findable. Nobody expects to need this, and the people who have needed it never regretted the two minutes it took.
What is one thing you need in here that you would not think to ask for?
Why ask it
Ends on the thing that would otherwise go unsaid until it became a problem. Answers tend to be small and easy to give, like a lamp or a quiet hour.
Setting Up a Shared Room
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
When to Have This Conversation
Start before move in, finish in person
The logistics, who brings a fridge, a rug, a kettle, are easy over text in August. The habits and boundaries land much better face to face in the first week, once you have both seen the actual room.
Do it before anything goes wrong
Every question here is easy in week one and loaded in week six. Once someone has already been kept awake or had their food eaten, the same question sounds like an accusation.
Trade, do not interrogate
Answer each question yourself before or after they do. Twenty questions asked one way feels like a screening interview, and the other person will start giving you the answers they think you want.
Worth Writing Down
- Quiet hours on weeknights, and whether weekends are different.
- Guest rules: how much notice, how late, and how many nights someone can stay.
- Who cleans what, and by when. A named day works better than a general intention.
- What was bought jointly, who paid, and who keeps it at the end of the year.
- Anything either of you does not want borrowed.
- Emergency contacts and any health information the other might need.
- A date, roughly a month out, to sit down and revise all of it.
Common Pitfalls
- Agreeing to something you do not actually want in order to seem easygoing. It will surface later as resentment.
- Asking about family income or relationship history. Money questions should stay on shared costs.
- Assuming silence is agreement. Someone who says nothing about the guest rule has not necessarily accepted it.
- Letting the first small violation pass without a word, which quietly resets the rule.
- Going to a resident adviser or housing office before saying anything to your roommate, unless you feel unsafe. If you do feel unsafe, go to them first.
- Treating the agreement as permanent. A second semester brings new classes, new sleep patterns and often a new relationship.