Spiritual Questions to Ask Your Pastor
Questions to bring to a sit-down with your pastor: practical ones about prayer, reading and membership, harder ones about doubt, unanswered prayer and forgiveness, and a few about how the church itself is run. Written for congregants and for people still deciding whether to stay.
The questions
Open any question for the note
How do you pray when you do not feel like praying?
Why ask it
A working answer will be unglamorous: a fixed time, a written prayer, five minutes in the car. If the reply is only about desire and feeling, ask what they do on the mornings when the feeling is absent, because that is the situation you are asking about.
How should I read the Bible if I keep starting and stopping?
Why ask it
You want a specific plan, a book to begin with and a realistic amount, not encouragement. Pastors who name a short gospel or a study aid are giving you something you can act on; a general call to discipline leaves you exactly where you were.
What does membership here actually involve?
Why ask it
Expectations differ enormously between churches: giving, attendance, a course, a statement of belief, a commitment about how you live. Asking plainly avoids finding out by accident, and a straight answer is itself a good sign.
When I have a question I am worried is disrespectful, where should I take it?
Why ask it
The answer tells you whether hard questions are welcome, tolerated or quietly discouraged. Watch for a pastor who names a person and a setting rather than saying you can ask anything, which is easy to say and hard to prove.
Which passage do you find hardest to preach?
Why ask it
This asks for candour without asking them to break ranks, and most preachers have a genuine answer ready. A pastor who cannot name one either has not preached widely or is managing you.
Have you ever doubted, and what did you do while it lasted?
Why ask it
The useful part is the during, not the resolution: whether they kept going to services, who they told, how long it went on. Anyone who reports never doubting is not much use to you when your own turn comes.
What do you say to someone whose prayers have not been answered?
Why ask it
Listen for whether the answer stays with the person's disappointment or hurries to explain it away. A pastor who says they often have nothing to say, and stays anyway, is describing something more durable than a reason.
How do you tell the difference between a prompting and your own preference?
Why ask it
Discernment described only as an inner feeling is unfalsifiable and easy to abuse. Better answers include outside checks: waiting, asking someone who disagrees with you, testing it against something written.
What do you actually say to someone who has just been bereaved?
Why ask it
Ask for the words, not the theology. The best answers are short and plain, and often include what they have learned not to say, which is the part you can use next time it is someone you know.
How does forgiveness work when the other person is not sorry?
Why ask it
This is where general teaching about forgiveness usually runs out. A careful answer will distinguish forgiveness from reconciliation and from staying in reach of someone who is still doing harm; a careless one will collapse all three.
What should I do about someone in my family who has left the faith and does not want to discuss it?
Why ask it
You are asking about a relationship, not a strategy, so notice whether the advice preserves the relationship or subordinates it to an outcome. Pressure dressed as patience is a common answer and worth pushing back on.
How do you tell whether to stay in a hard situation or to leave it?
Why ask it
Any answer that always resolves to endure is a warning, especially in marriage, work or family. Ask what they would say if the person was being harmed, and listen for whether safety is treated as a separate category.
Is what I tell you confidential, and where are the limits?
Why ask it
Ask before you need to know. Legitimate limits exist, including harm to a child or a serious risk to someone's life, and a pastor who has thought about their duties will state them plainly rather than promising blanket secrecy.
Who here needs something practical this week that I could actually do?
Why ask it
It moves the conversation from your development to someone else's washing up or lift to hospital. A pastor who has a specific name and task in mind knows their congregation; a general call to serve suggests they do not.
How are decisions about the church's money made, and where can I see the accounts?
Why ask it
Reasonable to ask in any church, and much easier to ask before you give. The answer should include who decides, who reviews it and where the figures are published; hesitation on that last point is the thing to note.
When two people here fall out, how is that handled?
Why ask it
Every congregation has conflict, so the question is whether there is a process or whether it depends on who is involved. Ask for a recent example, with names left out, and listen for whether anyone was held to account.
Is there something this church teaches that you have changed your mind about?
Why ask it
This asks for honesty at some cost, so expect care in the answer, and treat a considered no as legitimate. What you learn either way is how much room there is between the pulpit and the person.
What do you do when you are tired of being the pastor?
Why ask it
Ministry burnout is common and rarely discussed with congregants. A real answer names a day off, a friend outside the church, a supervisor; the absence of all three is worth knowing, and often worth acting on as a church.
Where do you go for your own pastoral care?
Why ask it
Pastors who have nobody are carrying the congregation's weight alone, which eventually affects the care you receive. It is also one of the few questions where you are offering something rather than asking for it.
If I changed one thing this year, what would you suggest it be?
Why ask it
Asking for one thing forces a priority and gives you something you can be held to. If the answer is generic, tell them a specific difficulty of yours and ask again, because the second answer is usually the useful one.
Sitting down with your pastor
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How to arrange it and use the time
Ask for time rather than catching them after the service
Sunday morning is the worst half hour of a pastor's week for a real conversation. Send a short message asking for twenty minutes and say roughly what it is about, so they can arrive prepared rather than guessing.
Bring one question, not ten
A single question, followed properly, gets you further than a list. Decide before you go which one you would keep if you only had five minutes, and open with that rather than working up to it.
Say what you actually want
Advice, prayer, a listening ear and a practical referral are different requests. Naming which one you want at the start saves the pastor from guessing and saves you from getting the wrong thing kindly.
Write down what you agree to do
If the conversation ends with a suggestion, write it down before you leave the car park. Follow-up is where these conversations either change something or evaporate, and pastors notice which.
Sequences for different reasons for meeting
New to the church
- 1What does membership here actually involve?
- 2How are decisions about the church's money made?
- 3When two people here fall out, how is that handled?
- 4Who here needs something practical this week?
Struggling with faith
- 1Have you ever doubted, and what did you do while it lasted?
- 2How do you pray when you do not feel like praying?
- 3Which passage do you find hardest to preach?
- 4Where should I take a question I am worried is disrespectful?
In the middle of something hard
- 1Ask about confidentiality first, before you say anything else.
- 2What do you say to someone whose prayers have not been answered?
- 3How do you tell whether to stay in a hard situation or leave it?
- 4Ask directly whether they would refer you to someone with the right training.
What goes wrong
Treating a pastor as a therapist or a lawyer
Most pastors have some training in listening and none in treating depression, addiction, custody disputes or debt. A good one will say so and point you elsewhere; if they do not, ask directly whether this is outside their competence.
Using the meeting to pass on complaints about others
Arriving with a list of what other members are doing wrong turns a pastoral conversation into a management problem and rarely ends well. Take your own difficulty, or go to the person concerned first.
Asking questions you do not want answered
If you already know what you intend to do, say that instead. Asking for guidance and then arguing with it wastes the meeting and makes the next one harder to arrange.
Ignoring your own reaction to the answers
Discomfort at an answer about confidentiality, money or when to leave a hard situation is information. Note it rather than talking yourself out of it, and ask a second time in different words before you conclude anything.
Ways to word it
Asking for the meeting
- 1"Could I book twenty minutes with you in the next week or two?"
- 2Say the subject in one line, without the whole story.
- 3Add whether it is urgent, honestly.
- 4Offer two or three times so it can be arranged in one reply.
Getting past a general answer
- 1Ask the question as written.
- 2If the answer is a principle, say: "Can you give me an example of that from this year?"
- 3Then: "What would you have me do on Monday?"
- 4Repeat the action back before you leave so you are both agreed.
Raising something difficult about the church
- 1State the question plainly and without accusation.
- 2Say what would reassure you: a document, a name, a process.
- 3Give them the option of coming back to you rather than answering on the spot.
- 4Ask when you should follow up, and then do.