Stupidest Questions to Ask
Stupid questions to ask people when nobody wants a real conversation: in a waiting room, on a long car journey, at a table of near strangers. All 54 are meant to be funny, none has a useful answer, and the famous ones (is water wet, is a hot dog a sandwich) are left out because most rooms have already had those arguments. They run in the order a round tends to go: two-second openers, pointless arguments, what-ifs, stupid questions about the person answering, and last the true stories.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Openers
If you had to rename the moon, what would you call it?
Why ask it
It needs no knowledge and cannot be answered wrongly, so it suits someone you met a minute ago. Ask what the old name was doing wrong and people start criticizing the word 'moon' with real conviction.
What is the best shape?
Why ask it
Almost nobody has been asked before and almost everybody answers inside two seconds. Circle people and triangle people rarely give ground, and whoever says hexagon will want to explain about bees.
What's the stupidest-sounding word you know?
Why ask it
People say theirs out loud several times to test it, which is most of the entertainment. Expect kerfuffle, spatula and bamboozle, then ask who can use their word in a serious sentence.
Which animal would be the worst at hide-and-seek?
Why ask it
The giraffe is the obvious answer, so the fun starts with the second round of suggestions. Someone will make the case for a peacock or a very loud goose.
If you had to eat a planet, which one looks tastiest?
Why ask it
Jupiter gets picked for looking like caramel, and then somebody points out it is mostly gas. The stupidity survives any amount of real astronomy, so let the expert talk.
Which hour of the day could we get rid of?
Why ask it
The middle of the afternoon is offered up without much of a fight. Then the early risers and the night owls try to delete each other's favorite hour, and that argument needs no help from you.
Which vegetable has contributed the least?
Why ask it
It is a performance review for produce, so ask what the accused would have to do to keep its place. Celery tends to be first in the dock, and it usually finds one loyal defender.
Which color is trying too hard?
Why ask it
Neon yellow and anything sold as 'electric' are the usual suspects. If someone is wearing the color under discussion, they get to speak in its defense.
What's the least useful thing in your pocket or bag right now?
Why ask it
It puts an actual object on the table, which helps with people who have only just met. Old receipts, a loyalty card for a shop that closed and one unidentified key are typical finds, and the key always needs explaining.
How many ducks is too many ducks?
Why ask it
Any number can be defended, so people commit to one at once: three, twelve, 'depends on the pond'. Ask what goes wrong at that number plus one.
Arguments
Is a houseplant a pet?
Why ask it
People who have named theirs say yes before the question is finished. The test everyone else reaches for is whether it would notice you had left, which is hard to prove either way.
What's the correct number of pillows?
Why ask it
Answers run from one to a number that needs defending, and couples find out in public that they disagree. Ask what the extra ones are for, since nobody claims to sleep on the fourth.
Which end of a banana do you open it from?
Why ask it
Plenty of people have never considered that there are two options, and they defend the one they use anyway. If a banana is within reach, have both camps demonstrate.
Does a sandwich taste better cut into triangles?
Why ask it
There is no reason it should, and a surprising number of adults insist that it does. Ask the rectangle side what they have against joy and stand back.
What's the actual difference between a muffin and a cupcake?
Why ask it
Frosting is the first answer and it collapses the moment someone mentions a chocolate chip muffin. The group ends up writing a definition by committee, which is the stupid part worth staying for.
Who owns the middle armrest?
Why ask it
Planes, trains and cinemas all raise it, and most people have lost it at least once. The split is between 'whoever is stuck in the middle seat' and 'whoever got there first', and neither side can point to a rule.
If you're the only one waiting, are you a line?
Why ask it
A queue of one sounds wrong and nobody can say why. It gets better when you ask what the second person to arrive is joining.
Does going down the stairs count as exercise?
Why ask it
Step counters have a firm view on this, and people who have never counted a step have a firmer one. Bring up an escalator you walk up and both positions start to wobble.
How long does the five-second rule really last?
Why ask it
Every household runs its own version, with exceptions for carpet, for expensive food and for whether anybody saw. Treat the answers as a confession of habits, since nobody at the table is a food safety authority.
Does an audiobook count as reading the book?
Why ask it
About the mildest topic there is, and people argue it as though something were at stake. Keep it stupid by asking whether being read to at bedtime as a child counts too.
Does the week start on Sunday or Monday?
Why ask it
Calendars are printed both ways depending on where you grew up, so each side can point to a wall as proof. Ask which day feels like the first one, and expect a late bid for Saturday.
What if
If your pet could talk, what's the first complaint?
Why ask it
Owners answer this in character, which is consistently funnier than anything they would say as themselves. People without pets can borrow someone else's.
If every cat in the world had to share one name, what's the name?
Why ask it
It has to suit a kitten and a grumpy fifteen-year-old cat alike, which is harder than it sounds. Plain human names like Gary do well, and any cat owner present gets a veto they will certainly use.
If you had to get everywhere by one ridiculous form of transport, what is it?
Why ask it
The practical problems are the good part, so once someone has picked a zip line or a pogo stick, ask where they park it at the supermarket and what happens when it rains.
If animals had a legal system, which animal is the lawyer?
Why ask it
The choice matters less than the case made for it: owls look the part, foxes would win, and crows are nominated more often than seems fair. Then ask which animal is the judge.
If handshakes were retired tomorrow, what should replace them?
Why ask it
People demonstrate instead of describing, so this one gets a table moving. The test for each suggestion is whether it would still work at a job interview.
Which sport would be most improved by a second ball?
Why ask it
Fans of the sport in question are appalled, which is half the appeal. Tennis and golf come up first, and somebody always asks whether chess could have one.
If you had to fight a kind of weather, which do you think you could beat?
Why ask it
Drizzle is the cautious pick and fog is the clever one. Make anyone who chooses wind describe their technique.
If your country's anthem had to be replaced by a pop song, which song?
Why ask it
The strongest candidates are songs the whole room can already sing, and a chorus tends to break out as evidence. Where people come from several countries, each country gets its own turn.
If you could win one argument permanently, which argument?
Why ask it
The answers are small and oddly specific: what counts as 'on time', whose turn it was to take out the trash, how a nearby town is pronounced. Ask who they are still having it with.
If you had to hide a spare key somewhere ridiculous, where?
Why ask it
Under the mat and inside a fake rock are banned, which leaves taped to the cat, baked into a loaf or left with a neighbor three streets away. Keep it to invented places, since nobody should announce where the real one is.
If you could make one very small thing illegal, what is it?
Why ask it
The word 'small' keeps it clear of politics and on things like speakerphone calls on the bus or replying 'k'. Once a law is on the table, ask what the fine is and everyone else starts drafting it.
If you had to open a wedding speech with the worst possible line, what's the line?
Why ask it
The harmless disasters are the funniest: thanking the wrong family, reading from the wrong card, starting with 'I wasn't going to say anything'. People who have given a real speech tend to admit which line they cut.
About you
What's a job you'd be catastrophically bad at?
Why ask it
People give the reason before the job: too impatient, too chatty, afraid of ladders. Ask how many minutes they would last before anyone noticed.
If you came back as a piece of furniture, what are you?
Why ask it
An armchair, a wobbly stool and a filing cabinet say three different things about a person, and people know it as they answer. Friends who are present are allowed to overrule the choice.
What would your reality show be called?
Why ask it
A title is a joke in about four words, and first attempts are far too flattering. Ask what happens in episode one, which usually turns out to be someone looking for their keys.
What's the least impressive fact about you?
Why ask it
The reverse of the fun fact that every icebreaker demands, and far easier to supply. 'I have never broken a bone' and 'I own two identical gray sweaters' are the right size of answer.
What tiny, pointless thing are you better at than anyone you know?
Why ask it
Most people have waited years for someone to ask, whether it is parallel parking, peeling an orange in one piece or guessing the time without a watch. Ask for proof where the setting allows it.
What completely unimportant thing are you competitive about?
Why ask it
Being first off the plane, the daily step count, the quiz the family does in the car. A partner or sibling who is present will supply a better example than the person you asked.
Which school subject would knock you out of a quiz show first?
Why ask it
Geography and anything involving dates do most of the damage. It is an admission of ignorance with the laugh already built in, which is why nobody minds making it.
If a candle were named after you, what would it smell like?
Why ask it
Answers land somewhere between flattering and honest: fresh laundry from one person, toast and a faint whiff of panic from the next. Let the group amend each other's candles and it runs for a while.
What would your job have been in a medieval village?
Why ask it
Everybody would like to be the blacksmith and almost nobody believes they would have been. The realistic answers, such as the person who minds the geese, are the ones that get the laugh.
What pointless rule do you follow that nobody ever gave you?
Why ask it
People have usually never said theirs out loud, and saying it is how they find out how odd it is: the volume must stop on an even number, the second carton from the front is the one to take.
What food combination will you defend in public?
Why ask it
The room pulls a face first and asks how it tastes second. If someone says they have no odd combination, ask what they eat standing at the fridge.
Stories
What's the most ridiculous thing you own, and how did you end up with it?
Why ask it
The object is half the answer and how it arrived is the rest: a gift that could not be refused, a prize, something ordered at 2 a.m. Nobody with a kitchen drawer gets to say they own nothing ridiculous.
What's the dumbest thing you've ever won?
Why ask it
Small victories with a trophy attached make far better stories than real achievements. Raffles and pub quizzes supply most of them, so ask where the prize is now.
What's the stupidest thing you've done to avoid getting up?
Why ask it
The effort involved nearly always exceeds the effort of standing, and the person telling it knows that. Typical entries are a remote control dragged over with one foot and a light switch hit with a thrown sock.
Which game have you been bluffing the rules of for years?
Why ask it
Card games learned from relatives are the usual culprit, with the odder corners of chess close behind. One confession here tends to draw a second from across the table.
When did you last say 'you too' when it made no sense?
Why ask it
The waiter who says enjoy your meal and the clerk who says enjoy the film have caught nearly everyone. Because the embarrassment is shared, the stories come fast and nobody feels singled out.
Which warning have you ignored and regretted within ten seconds?
Why ask it
Keep it to the harmless kind, where the only casualty was dignity: wet paint, a plate the waiter said was hot, a door marked pull. The ten seconds are the point, so ask how long it really took.
What's the stupidest thing you've been told off for as an adult?
Why ask it
Being scolded past a certain age is funny in a way it never was at school. Librarians, lifeguards and other people's grandmothers feature heavily.
What's the longest you've looked for something that was in your hand?
Why ask it
Phones, keys and glasses pushed up onto a head are the usual three. The best versions have a second person who joined the search and spotted it first.
What stupid question do you still not know the answer to?
Why ask it
How planes stay up, why the sea is salty, what a notary does all day. Whoever thinks they can explain gets one minute, and the phones stay away until they have finished.
What's the stupidest question anyone has ever asked you?
Why ask it
The stories tend to feature a job interview, a customer, or a relative at a family gathering. Ask what they said in reply, because the answer they gave is often better than the question.
How to use these questions
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Making a stupid question work
Deliver it flat
Asked with a straight face, an absurd question gets a real answer. Asked with a wink, it gets a shrug, because you have already told everyone it does not matter.
Go in order of effort
The Openers want one word, the Arguments want a side, the What if group wants invention, and About you and Stories want something true. Asked in that order, a group warms up as it goes. Ask people who met ten minutes ago for their least impressive fact and you will mostly get a pause.
Take the first answer seriously
Following up on a ridiculous answer as though it were a policy proposal is where most of the comedy comes from. Ask about costs, logistics, and enforcement.
Answer it yourself when it stalls
If the moon question meets silence, name the moon something terrible and ask who can do worse. A bad answer from the person asking is permission for everyone else, and it works faster than repeating the question.
Move on while it is still funny
Two or three from a group, then on to the next group or back to normal conversation. Read out every Argument in a row and the armrest starts to feel like homework.
Where these work
- Car journeys and waiting rooms, where nobody can leave and there is nothing else to look at.
- Groups that do not know each other well, since none of these require a personal history to answer.
- By text or in a group chat, where the Arguments travel best: the banana, the armrest and the muffin can each be answered in a word and disputed until the evening.
- With one other person, where About you and Stories turn into a conversation and the Openers feel like a quiz.
- With children and teenagers, who tend to give better answers than adults and enforce the rules more strictly.
- At work, over lunch or while a call is waiting for the last person to join, using the Openers only. The wedding speech and the told-off-as-an-adult story are for people who chose to be in the room.
- Not in a meeting billed as an icebreaker, where hypotheticals with no answer usually irritate whoever wanted to get on with the agenda.
Common pitfalls
Explaining the joke
If a question needs setup, it has stopped being a stupid question and become an anecdote. Ask it cold or not at all.
Letting one person win
The argumentative questions are meant to stay open. If somebody is producing evidence on their phone, change question rather than resolving it.
Making a person the stupid part
The question is meant to be the stupidest thing in the room. Stories asks people to tell one against themselves, so laugh along with the teller and do not bring the thrown sock up again an hour later.
Reaching for something edgier when a question flops
If the best shape gets a shrug, try the ducks or the pocket question, not something ruder. A flat question costs ten seconds, and a mean one costs the rest of the evening.
Asking a group that wants a real conversation
Absurd questions cannot rescue a conversation that people want to be serious. If two people are mid-topic, leave them to it.