Family History Questions to Ask Your Relatives
Family history questions to ask your relatives, for anyone building a family tree or recording the family's story with parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and older cousins. The list runs in the order a good visit does: names and dates first, then places and moves, work and service, photos and papers, family health, and last the stories and the leads on who to ask next. Each question has a note on what a useful answer sounds like, what to do with it, or when to leave it alone.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Names and dates
What is your full name as it was given at birth, and who were you named after?
Why ask it
Write it down exactly as they spell it, middle names included, and ask whether any document spells it another way. The naming story often points back a generation: a grandfather's first name, or a mother's surname kept as a middle name.
What is your date of birth, and where exactly were you born: at home or in a hospital, and in which town?
Why ask it
Relatives get skipped as subjects because they are in the room, so take their own details before you ask about the dead. The town of the birth is not always the town the family lived in, since the nearest hospital or a grandmother's house may have been somewhere else, and that is why a search in the 'home town' can come up empty. If the year they give differs from the one the family has always used, write down both and settle it later against a record.
What were your parents' full names, including your mother's surname before she married?
Why ask it
A mother's birth surname is one of the first things a family tree runs short of, and it opens a whole second family. If the surname won't come, ask what her brothers were called; it tends to arrive with them.
When and where were your parents born, and when and where did they die?
Why ask it
A year and a town beat a blank, so take the rough answer and put a question mark beside anything they aren't sure of. 'Just after the war' or 'somewhere near the coast' is useful: it narrows the search to a few years and one district you can check against records.
What were your grandparents' names on each side, and what do you remember about them?
Why ask it
A relative who knew them can give you what no record holds: an accent, a trade, the street the house stood on. Ask what the children called them as well, because 'Nana Bess' may be Elizabeth, Bessie or Betty on paper. If they only knew one side, you have learned which cousins to visit next.
Who were your brothers and sisters, in order of birth, and were there any who died young?
Why ask it
Ask the second half quietly and give it time. A child lost in infancy often went unmentioned for decades, and that child explains a gap between birthdays that would otherwise look like a mistake in your tree.
Did anyone in the family go by a different name from the one on their papers?
Why ask it
Think of nicknames, a middle name used as a first, a stepfather's surname, or a name reshaped to fit a new country. One relative's flat 'no' and another's long story are both common, so put this to everyone you interview and note who used which name, and when.
What spellings of the family name have you seen on old letters, gravestones or certificates?
Why ask it
Clerks wrote what they heard, so one family can sit in the records under four spellings. Collect every variant and search each of them. Be wary of a firm story that the name was 'changed at the border': note it, then see what the papers on both sides of the move say.
When and where did you marry, and who stood up as your witnesses?
Why ask it
Witnesses were often a brother, a sister or a close friend, so the names on a certificate can confirm an in-law you only half knew about. Ask lightly about any earlier marriage while you are here, since first spouses and their children are easy to leave off a tree.
Was anyone in the family adopted, fostered or brought up by a relative instead of their parents?
Why ask it
Save this for a private moment with someone who seems at ease with the subject. Being raised by a grandmother or an aunt was ordinary in many families and explains a child listed in an unexpected household. If the face closes, leave it there, and don't carry a half-answer to another relative as fact.
Which birthdays, anniversaries and death dates do you know by heart?
Why ask it
Someone who can't give a year can often give a day: 'the week before Christmas', 'her birthday was the day after mine'. A day and month plus an age at death can narrow a search to a single entry. Confident dates still need checking, because memory rounds to the nearest decade.
Places and moves
What is the furthest back you know where the family lived, down to the village or neighborhood?
Why ask it
A country is too big to search. Press kindly for the nearest town, the river, the county or parish, and write the place the way they say it before you ask them to spell it. Borders and spellings have shifted, and the sound of the name is sometimes the best clue you get.
Who was the first of the family to move to this country or this part of it, and what were you told about the journey?
Why ask it
Listen for anything checkable: a port, a ship, a year, the person they traveled with, the relative they went to stay with. Vague is normal three generations on. The dramatic parts, like the stowaway or the three brothers who parted at the dock, are leads to test and not yet facts.
Why did they leave, as the family tells it?
Why ask it
Work, land, a war, a marriage, a quarrel, a debt. The reason given at the table is often the respectable one, so write it down as told and put the same question to a second relative on another day. Two versions that disagree are worth more to you than one tidy one.
Who stayed behind, and did anyone keep writing to them?
Why ask it
Those who stayed are the other half of your tree, and their descendants may hold the photographs your side lost. An old envelope with a return address, or a holiday card list, is a strong lead. If contact ended when one person died, that death dates the last letter, so look for it among her things.
What languages or dialects were spoken at home, and who was the last person to speak the old one?
Why ask it
A dialect can place a family more exactly than a country of origin can. Ask for a few words, a lullaby, a blessing or a scolding, and record the sound even if neither of you can spell it. If they say the language was dropped on purpose, ask who decided that and why.
Where have you lived over the years, from the first address you remember to this one?
Why ask it
Go house by house and ask for a rough year at each, since an address with a year lets you look for the household in directories, voter lists or census returns where those are open to the public. A local archive or library can tell you what exists for that place. When the street number is gone, 'above the bakery on Mill Street' is still findable.
Did the family own land, a farm or a shop, and what became of it?
Why ask it
Property leaves paper: deeds, leases, tax lists, an advertisement in the town paper. The road it stood on, or the name of the neighbor, is enough to start looking. Ask who got it afterward, too, because an inheritance that went to one child is often the reason two branches stopped speaking.
Which church, synagogue, mosque or temple did the family attend, and where were the weddings and funerals held?
Why ask it
The name of the building matters more than the belief, since many congregations kept registers of the baptisms, weddings and burials that passed through them. Where old registers ended up differs by denomination and by country, so ask the congregation or the local archive how it works there. If the family wasn't religious, that points you to civil records instead.
Where are our relatives buried, and who looks after the graves?
Why ask it
A cemetery name leads to dates cut in stone and, often, to relatives in the neighboring plots whom nobody mentioned. Whoever tends the grave or holds the plot papers is usually the family's unofficial record keeper. Stones carry errors too, so treat an inscription as one more source.
Work and service
What work did your parents, grandparents and great-grandparents do, as far back as you know?
Why ask it
An occupation turns up on many kinds of record and is a quick way to tell apart two people with the same name in the same town. Push a general answer one step further: if he was on the railroad, ask which line, which job, which depot. Large employers sometimes kept staff files worth asking after.
Which trade or skill was passed down in the family, and who taught whom?
Why ask it
You are tracing a line of teachers: the uncle who took a nephew on, the mother who taught all the girls to sew for money. Apprenticeships and licenses were sometimes written down, and the tools often survive in a garage. Ask to see them and photograph any name stamped into the metal.
Who served in the military, in which branch, and roughly when?
Why ask it
Branch, approximate years and the town they enlisted from are the details a records request usually starts with. Who may ask for a service file, and what survives, differs from country to country, so ask the national archive or veterans' office how it works there before you count on finding one.
Did they ever talk about their service, and what did they bring home from it?
Why ask it
Many families will tell you he never spoke of it; write that down as it stands. Objects often say more: discharge papers, a medal, a photograph in uniform, letters with a unit number on the envelope. Photograph insignia up close, and don't push a veteran who is in the room toward stories they haven't offered.
How did the family get through its hardest years, such as a war, a depression or a failed harvest?
Why ask it
Much of the history of the women and children is here: who took in lodgers, who went out to work, who was sent to live with an aunt. Those arrangements explain households that look wrong in the records. Expect pride and pain in the same answer, and let them choose which to dwell on.
Who was the first in the family to finish high school or go to college, and where?
Why ask it
A named school gives you a town and a year at once, and where yearbooks, class photographs or graduation programs were made, a copy may survive in the school or the town library. Follow with who had to leave school early and why. That answer is usually about money or a death, and it dates a turning point for the whole household.
Did anyone belong to a union, a lodge, a veterans' group or a church society?
Why ask it
Member organizations tended to keep rolls and print newsletters that named people. The clue is usually an object: a lapel pin, a sash, a certificate at the back of a frame. If they shrug, show them the old portrait and ask about the badge on his coat.
Photos and papers
Can we go through this album together so you can tell me who everyone is?
Why ask it
If their energy is limited, do this before anything else, because the names behind the faces exist only in living memory. Photograph each page and say the names aloud, left to right, while you record. Ask who was behind the camera as well: the person missing from every picture is usually the one who took them.
Is there anyone in these pictures you can't place?
Why ask it
Flag every face they can't name and show it to the next relative. The answer to worry about is a guess made to please you, so say outright that 'not sure' is welcome and write 'possibly' beside any name given with a frown.
Who in the family keeps the old papers: the certificates, the letters, a family Bible or record book?
Why ask it
You are finding the archive and its keeper, and the answer you want is a name and a cupboard. Keepers have often been burned by a relative who never brought things back, so offer to photograph everything where it sits and to send copies in return.
Do you have birth, marriage, death, citizenship or discharge papers I could photograph?
Why ask it
Papers hold what memory can't: exact dates, parents' names, addresses, witnesses. Shoot front and back in daylight, stamps and margins included. When a document and a memory disagree, record both, since whoever supplied the details for a death certificate may have been guessing too.
Which objects in this house came down from earlier generations, and who owned them first?
Why ask it
Trace the chain of hands: who had it, who gave it to whom, and on what occasion. Check for initials, an engraved date or a maker's mark and photograph them. Claims about age or value tend to grow in the telling, while the list of owners is the part that belongs in your tree.
Are there recipes written out by hand, and whose handwriting is it?
Why ask it
A known sample of someone's handwriting lets you work out who wrote the unsigned captions on the backs of photos and the letters with no surname. Photograph the card, stains included. Then ask who the cook learned the dish from, which usually takes you back one more generation.
Was anyone in the family ever in the newspaper, for good reasons or bad?
Why ask it
Wedding notices, obituaries, a sports result, a court report: ask first whether a clipping was kept, since they tend to end up folded into a Bible or the back of an album. With no clipping, a rough year and the name of the town are enough to start a search in a library's newspaper collection. If the answer comes in a lowered voice, write down what is offered and decide later whether the rest is yours to dig up.
Has anyone already drawn up a family tree, written a memoir or taken a DNA test?
Why ask it
Earlier work can save you months, but copy its sources and not its conclusions, because old trees repeat each other's mistakes. With DNA, ask before you look: results can turn up relatives nobody knew about, and each testing company sets its own privacy terms, so let the person who tested decide what is shared.
What was lost along the way, in a fire, a flood, a move or a falling-out?
Why ask it
The answer tells you what to stop hunting for and who might hold the other half. When the story is that an aunt took the lot after the funeral, treat it as an address to write to, not a grievance to settle, and ask that branch for scans.
What would you like to happen to these photos and papers in the long run?
Why ask it
Leave this for late in the visit and ask it plainly; what you hope to hear is one person's name. If there is no plan, offer to scan everything and send copies to several households, so the family's record no longer depends on one attic.
Health
What did your parents and grandparents die of, and how old were they?
Why ask it
Cause and age are the two things a doctor's family history form tends to ask for. Family wording was often vague, 'her heart' or 'a growth', so write the exact words and don't turn them into a diagnosis yourself. A death certificate may give a more exact term, and a clinician can tell you whether it matters for you.
Has the same illness shown up in several relatives, such as heart trouble, diabetes or a particular cancer?
Why ask it
Note who had it, which side of the family they were on and roughly how old they were when it began. Old household names for a condition, like 'sugar' for diabetes, are fine to write down as said. Take the list to your own doctor: a pattern in a family story is a reason to ask a professional, and not a result.
Did anyone die suddenly or unusually young, and what was said about it at the time?
Why ask it
Listen for the explanation the family settled on, and for how firmly it is said. Families sometimes gave the neighbors a gentler account than the one on the certificate, so follow the speaker's lead and stop when they do. Record what you are told as what was said, with the name of who said it.
Did anyone in the family struggle with their nerves, with drink or with low spirits, as people used to put it?
Why ask it
Borrow the older phrasing, because someone who would never say 'depression' or 'addiction' will tell you that 'she took to her bed' or 'he liked a drink'. Keep their words and add no label of your own. Ask one to one, skip it with anyone it could wound, and leave names out of any tree you share.
Do twins run in the family, and on which side?
Why ask it
An easy, cheerful question after heavier ones, and a practical one: two children sharing a birth date in a register stop looking like a clerk's error. Pregnancy losses sometimes come up here unprompted. Listen, thank them, and ask for no more detail than they offer.
Has a doctor ever told you that something you have can be inherited?
Why ask it
This one is about the relative in front of you, and the answer to trust is specific and came from a clinician, not a magazine. Mark anything secondhand as hearsay. Before you pass it to brothers, sisters or cousins, ask whether they are happy for it to be shared: their health details are theirs to give.
Stories and leads
Which story gets told at every family gathering?
Why ask it
Record it in full even if you could recite it, because this teller's version is the thing you are collecting. Then ask who tells it differently. The firm details, a name or a town or a ship, can be checked later; the punchline has usually been polished for years.
How did your parents meet, and where was each of them living at the time?
Why ask it
A courtship story puts two families in one town in one year, and that gives you a place and a date to check both surnames against. Ask who introduced them, because that person is often a cousin or a workmate who links the two sides. Then ask the same about the grandparents, expect less detail and take whatever comes.
Is there a family legend you have always doubted?
Why ask it
Plenty of families claim a famous cousin, a lost fortune or a noble line. The doubter can tell you which part never added up, and that is where to start checking. Don't debunk anything at the table: write it down as family tradition and test it quietly against dates.
Who was the black sheep, and what did they actually do?
Why ask it
The offense is often smaller than the reputation: a marriage outside the faith, a debt, a move without a goodbye. Scandals also left paper, in court lists and newspapers. Watch the tone, carry on if it is amusement and stop if it is hurt, and think about living descendants before you publish any of it.
Who fell out with whom, and is that why we lost touch with part of the family?
Why ask it
A quarrel explains a missing branch and tells you which cousins to approach with care. Ask for names and the last town anyone knew of, not for a verdict on who was right. You can write to the other side without taking one.
What do we do at holidays that came down from earlier generations?
Why ask it
Customs can point to a region or a faith when the papers are silent: a dish served on one particular day, a song, a superstition about the first visitor of the year. Ask who started it and who insisted on it. If it is a dish, arrange to record it being cooked.
Who is the oldest living relative on each side, and would they talk to me?
Why ask it
Age and health set the order of your visits, with the oldest and frailest first. Ask for a phone number and, better, an introduction. A call that begins 'your niece said you'd remember this' gets a warmer answer than a letter from a stranger with a chart.
Is there a cousin, neighbor or old family friend who remembers things our side never knew?
Why ask it
People outside the household, a godparent, a bridesmaid, the family across the road, remember events without the family's stake in how they are told. Ask where that person lives now and who could introduce you. Check how they are connected before you call, so you know whose version you are about to hear.
Before I go, is there a name, a date or a story I should have asked for and didn't?
Why ask it
Keep the recorder running, because the best material often arrives while you are putting your coat on. If the answer is no, ask whether you may phone when your checking raises a question. The second visit, with a printed tree for them to correct, is usually the richer one.
How to run a family history interview
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before the visit
Fill in what you already know
Sketch the tree on one sheet before you go, with a blank wherever a name, date or place is missing. The blanks are your real question list. Bring the sheet: most relatives would sooner correct a chart than answer from a standing start.
Choose who to see first
Start with the oldest relative who is well enough to talk, then work down. Aunts, uncles and older cousins matter as much as grandparents, because each grew up hearing a different part of the story. Put the Names and dates questions to every one of them, even when you think you have the answers: the differences between two relatives' versions are where the checking starts.
Ask before you record
Say what the project is, who will see it, and that they can stop the recording or take anything back. Get a clear yes at the start of the recording. People speak more freely once they know a story about a living person won't be posted for the whole family to read.
Bring things to point at
An album, a map of the home town, a certificate, a ring. Objects pull up names that a direct question can't reach. Hand over one item at a time and wait.
Plan for an hour
An hour is plenty for one sitting, and tired answers are where dates go wrong. Choose two groups from the list for each visit, follow the order they are in, and arrange to come back for the rest. If you may only get one visit, take Names and dates and the photo album, and leave Health and the harder Stories and leads questions for a relative you know well.
Recording the answers
At the start of every recording
- 1Say the date, the place, your name and the name of the person you are talking to.
- 2Ask them to say and spell their own full name.
- 3Put the phone or recorder on the table between you, nearer to them, and play back a ten-second test.
- 4Number each photo or document as it comes up and say the number aloud, so the audio and the pictures can be matched later.
Spell everything
Surnames, villages, ships and farms all need spelling out, and the recording won't do it for you. Read the spelling back. Where they don't know, write the word as it sounds and mark it as a guess.
Photograph, don't borrow
Take pictures of papers and photographs where they are, in daylight, front and back, with nothing cropped. Originals that leave the house have a way of not returning, and a keeper who lost nothing this time will show you more next time. Say the item's number aloud as you shoot it, so the picture can be matched to what was said about it.
Write it up the same day
Within a day, note who said what, label the files with the person's name and the date, and put copies in a second place. A recording nobody can identify in ten years is as lost as one never made.
Checking memory against records
Every answer is a lead
A relative's account tells you where to look; it is not yet an entry in the tree. Put a question mark on anything that rests on one person's memory, and take it off only when a record or a second, independent account agrees.
Keep the source with the fact
Beside each name and date, write where it came from: 'Aunt Ruth, told to me in March' or 'marriage certificate, photographed at Uncle Dan's'. When two facts collide later, you will need to know what each one rests on.
When paper and memory disagree
Don't assume the paper wins. Ages were shaved, clerks misheard names, and the details on a death record came from whoever was at hand that week. Keep both versions, note the conflict and look for a third source made closer to the event.
Finding the records
Which records exist, who holds them and how old they must be before the public can see them differs by country, and often by state or province. Ask the local archive, library or genealogy society how it works there before you pay any website for a search.
Take the findings back
Show your relative what you found. A page from a register with a parent's name on it often shakes loose a second round of memories, and they will catch errors you can't.
Hard subjects and private facts
Let them set the limit
If a question about a death, an adoption or a quarrel meets silence, say 'we can leave that' and move to a photograph. You can come back to it another day. A relative who feels pushed goes quiet about the easy things too.
Health details belong to the person
Write down the Health answers in the speaker's own words and bring them to your doctor instead of interpreting them yourself. Ask before you share anyone's condition with the wider family, and keep health notes out of any tree that is public.
Living people and old secrets
A surprise in the records, such as an earlier marriage or an unknown half-sibling, may be news to someone still alive. Think about who is affected before you tell anyone, and if you do tell, tell that person first and in private.
DNA changes the conversation
A test can back up a paper trail, and it can also reveal relatives nobody expected. Talk that possibility through with the person before they test, read the company's terms on privacy and matching together, and agree in advance what you will do with a surprise.
Give something back
Send a copy of the recording, a printed chart or a few scanned photos. It turns an interview into a shared project, and it is the surest way to be invited back.