Funny Questions to Ask Your Spouse
Funny questions to ask your spouse on a date night, a long drive or a slow Sunday, as easy to put to your wife of two years as to your husband of thirty. They are built from the life the two of you already share: an opening round that needs no warm-up, then daily habits and house rules, which-of-us verdicts, what-ifs, a quiz on how well you know each other and the stories from the early days. Not all of them tease. The opening round and the what-ifs also hold plain fun questions to ask your wife or husband: where to spend a year, which tradition to start, what you would be worst at together.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Start here
What's the weirdest thing you love about me?
Why ask it
Asking for the weirdest thing rules out the anniversary-card answers and gets the real ones: the voice you use for the cat, the face you pull at a long menu. Don't argue with what comes back. It is a compliment, only in an odd shape.
What was your honest first impression of me, before I had a chance to fix it?
Why ask it
Every spouse has an official version of this and a real one, and the real one usually involves your shoes or how much you talked. Ask what you were wearing: whatever they remember, or confidently invent, is the laugh.
When have we laughed so hard together that one of us couldn't breathe?
Why ask it
The occasion is rarely impressive on paper: a mispronounced word, a deckchair that gave way, a waiter who misheard. Retelling it tends to set you both off again, which is the reason to ask. If you each name a different time, hear both.
Would you still love me if I woke up tomorrow as a worm?
Why ask it
The well-worn joke question, and it survives because a plain yes never settles it. Cross-examine: where would you keep me, would you take me on holiday. Play any outrage for laughs, since both of you know it is nonsense.
What's the most ridiculous thing we've ever had a serious argument about?
Why ask it
Which way the toilet roll hangs, how a word is pronounced, whether a hot dog counts as a sandwich: the smaller the subject, the better the story. You will each remember a different winner. Call a draw if it starts up again.
Which animal am I most like first thing in the morning?
Why ask it
Naming the hour narrows the field: a bear, a rooster, a cat that wants feeding now. Ask what you have turned into by ten at night, since few people are the same animal at both ends of the day.
What name am I saved under in your phone, and has it ever been something else?
Why ask it
This one can be checked on the spot, so ask to see the screen. A full legal name after years of marriage is funny in its own right, and an old pet name that was never updated usually comes with the story of when it started.
What's the most pointless text you've ever sent me?
Why ask it
Small pointless messages are the part of a marriage nobody writes down: a photo of a dog in a car, a single word, a question answered by walking into the next room. Scroll back and find it afterwards. The real one is usually better than the remembered one.
What's the most embarrassing thing you've done in front of me and hoped I hadn't noticed?
Why ask it
You probably did notice and said nothing, so now both halves of the story can come out. Tripping on a kerb and turning it into a jog is the classic. If you truly missed it, they have just handed you a present.
Who was your first celebrity crush, and do I look anything like them?
Why ask it
The poster on a teenage bedroom wall is a harmless confession and often an unflattering one. Asking whether you resemble them is a trap, and they know it, so enjoy watching them climb out. Cartoon characters count.
What's the best meal we've ever eaten together, and what made it that good?
Why ask it
It is rarely the expensive one. Chips on a harbour wall or toast at midnight after a long journey tend to beat the anniversary restaurant. Agree on the meal and you have a date to repeat it; disagree and that is two dinners to plan.
What should our next tradition be, something a bit silly that we do every year from now on?
Why ask it
Small and repeatable beats grand: pancakes on the first morning of a holiday, a photo on one particular bench, a yearly prize for the worst gift. Name the day for the first one before the idea goes cold, because a tradition only counts once it has happened twice.
Daily life
What's the strangest thing you've caught me doing when I thought I was alone?
Why ask it
The answer usually involves a mirror, a song or a conversation with an appliance. Since you asked for it, the teasing reads as affection and not as a dig.
What's the funniest thing I've ever said or done in my sleep?
Why ask it
Sleep is the one part of your life they have watched and you have not, so they hold all the evidence. Ask whether they answered you back. If it comes down to snoring, request the impression.
If the pets or the houseplants could file one complaint about you, what would it be?
Why ask it
The dog would report late dinners and the fern a drought since spring. A complaint from a witness who cannot talk is an easy one to make against yourself. No pets and no plants? Let the car or the sofa testify.
Which of my rules about the dishwasher, the towels or the fridge makes sense to nobody but me?
Why ask it
Everyone runs at least one household system they consider obviously correct. Have them explain yours back to you: hearing it from someone who follows it under protest is funnier than the rule. Defend it for one sentence, then concede something small.
What's a habit of mine you've quietly decided to just live with?
Why ask it
Eating cereal standing up, leaving three sips in every mug, announcing the weather to an empty room. Resist explaining yourself: they made peace with it long ago, and a defence reopens the case. Ask whether they would miss it if you stopped.
Which of my cooking experiments should never be repeated?
Why ask it
There is usually one: the grey risotto, the cake that needed a spoon, the chilli nobody finished. They will remember the dish and the face they pulled while praising it. If you never cook, ask about the one time you tried.
What's the first thing you do when you have the house to yourself for an evening?
Why ask it
Expect the dinner you dislike, the show you refuse to watch, or the heating set to a number you have vetoed. None of it is a secret worth minding, and it doubles as a list of things you could stop vetoing quite so firmly.
Which item of my clothing would you quietly retire if you thought I wouldn't notice?
Why ask it
Keep it aimed at the garment: the ten-year-old T-shirt, the holiday shorts, the slippers with one sole. A very fast answer means the item has already spent time hidden behind the coats and you never missed it.
Have you ever watched ahead in a show we were meant to watch together, and how did you hide it?
Why ask it
A confession with almost nothing at stake, which is why people enjoy making it. The cover-up is the good part: fake gasps, rewinding to the right minute, pretending to guess the twist. Settle on a penalty and skip the sulking.
How would you describe my driving to someone about to get in the car with me?
Why ask it
A briefing for a nervous passenger is more candid than a direct review: brakes late, talks to other drivers, treats the directions as a suggestion. Take it without reaching for an imaginary brake pedal. Your briefing on them is due on the next trip.
Which of my noises could you pick out blindfolded in a crowded room: the sneeze, the yawn or the laugh?
Why ask it
They will do the impression without being asked, and that is your answer. You have never heard your own sneeze the way they do, so prepare to learn something. Return the favour only if you can do theirs accurately.
What's the pettiest thing you've ever kept score of between us?
Why ask it
Admitting to a scoreboard as a joke takes most of the charge out of it, whether the tally is ice trays refilled, apologies offered first or turns choosing the takeaway. If the answer turns out not to be petty at all, stop laughing and listen.
Which of us
Which of us makes us late more often, and what are they doing at the time?
Why ask it
Both cases have been ready for years, and each will come as news to the other side. Whoever has spent more time waiting in the car speaks first. Skip this one if lateness is a live argument at the moment and not a running joke.
Which of us is funnier, and would our friends agree?
Why ask it
Whoever answers 'me' fastest has made the other one's case. The friends are the tiebreaker, because funny at home and funny at a party are different skills. One vote each is a fair place to stop.
Which of us would cope better stranded on a desert island, and what would the other one miss first?
Why ask it
The verdict matters less than the reasoning, because each of you has to list the other's practical skills out loud. Whatever the weaker castaway would miss first, coffee, a charger or a decent pillow, is a fair summary of what they cannot manage without at home either.
Which of us is the worse patient with an ordinary cold, and what do they ask for?
Why ask it
Most couples seem to contain one stoic and one who needs soup carried to the sofa, and both claim to be the stoic. Keep it to colds and sniffles. A serious illness either of you has been through belongs in a different conversation.
Which of us would crack first if we had to keep a surprise party secret?
Why ask it
Ask for the incident that proves it: a present revealed a week early, a plan betrayed by a guilty face. The better secret keeper should then explain how they knew something was coming anyway.
Which of us is the blanket thief, and what would the overnight footage show?
Why ask it
Each of you sincerely blames the other, and neither has been awake to check. The imagined footage lets them act it out. If the dispute is real, a second blanket ends it more cheaply than any argument.
Which of us is the better dancer, and what is the other one's signature move?
Why ask it
Nobody needs a ruling on the first half. The move has to be performed, not described: the point, the shuffle, the one borrowed from a wedding years ago. Put a song on if the kitchen floor is clear.
Which of us is more likely to get the giggles at exactly the wrong moment?
Why ask it
There is nearly always a specific occasion behind the answer: a school concert, a solemn speech, a very quiet waiting room. Make them tell it properly, including who set whom off, because it is rarely one person's fault.
Which of us cries first at a film, and which film did it?
Why ask it
It is often not the one outsiders would bet on. Get the title and the scene, and note that an advert, a sports final and a talent show audition all count. The accused may blame dust exactly once.
Which of us would get through lottery winnings faster, and what would the first silly purchase be?
Why ask it
Pure fantasy, so nobody's real spending is on trial. The purchase they assign you shows what they think you secretly want, and it is often closer than you would like. When money is tight or tense at home, pick another question.
What if
If I came with a warning label, what would it say?
Why ask it
Short answers win here: 'do not speak to before coffee', 'contents may sing without notice'. Have theirs ready too. They will ask at once, and a label made up on the spot is never as good.
If zombies turned up tomorrow, what would my job be on our survival team?
Why ask it
Lookout, cook, morale officer or decoy: the posting is their honest view of your practical skills. Ask what job they would give themselves and how many days the two of you would last. Appeal the decision by all means, unless the reason given is that you cannot run.
If we swapped lives for one day, which part of my day would defeat you by lunchtime?
Why ask it
They have to describe your day as they imagine it, and they will get it wrong in useful ways: the meeting they think lasts ten minutes, the school run they think is restful. Correct them gently, then take the same test yourself.
If a film were made about our marriage, who plays you, who plays me, and which of us gets the better actor?
Why ask it
Casting yourself is vanity and casting your spouse is diplomacy, so notice how long they take over each. Ask for the title and the kind of film as well. Romantic comedy and disaster movie are both acceptable answers.
If I were a kitchen appliance, which one would I be and why?
Why ask it
The 'why' is where the affection or the complaint hides: a kettle is dependable, a smoke alarm goes off over nothing. Give your verdict on them straight afterwards so the teasing runs both ways.
If we went on a game show as a team, which category would sink us in round one?
Why ask it
A weakness you share is easier to laugh at than one of your own, whether it is geography, sport or any pop music after a certain year. Name the category you would sweep as well, and which of you can be trusted with the buzzer.
If the two of us opened a cafe together, what would go wrong in the first week?
Why ask it
One of you would be giving the cake away and the other rewriting the menu, or both would want charge of the music. The disaster each of you predicts is a portrait of how jobs already get split at home. Agree on a name for the place before moving on.
If our marriage had a theme song that played every time we walked into a room, what would it be?
Why ask it
A song, unlike an adjective, can be played immediately, so play it. Two different picks are better than one agreed answer: now there is a short playlist and a debate about whose choice suits the kitchen.
If being married to me came with a star rating and one line of review, what would yours say?
Why ask it
The review format invites the backhanded compliment, as in 'five stars, would marry again, parking is difficult'. Treat the stars as the joke and the one line as the truth. Post your review of them before the subject changes.
Would you rather I sang everything I said for a week or narrated everything you did for a day?
Why ask it
Both options are unbearable, so they have to weigh your singing against your commentary and say why. Offer a ten-second demonstration of each before they choose. The demonstration tends to change the vote.
If we could pick up and live anywhere for one year, where would we go and what would we do all day?
Why ask it
With a year as the limit nobody has to defend the plan, so the answers get bolder: a houseboat, a town with one bakery, somewhere neither of you speaks the language. Compare what each of you pictured doing there on an ordinary Wednesday. The Wednesday says more than the place does.
If we signed up for something we would both be terrible at, what should it be?
Why ask it
Pottery, salsa, a two-person kayak: being equally bad puts you on the same side for an afternoon. Rule out anything one of you is quietly good at, since that turns the joke into a lesson. If you both laugh at the idea, that is the one to book.
If we went to a fancy dress party as a pair, what would we go as?
Why ask it
The good pairs are ones only the two of you would think of: your pets, the two sides of an old argument, characters from the show you both quote. Find out who gets the better half of the costume. With a party coming up, you have just saved yourselves a week of deciding.
If we got matching tattoos on a dare, what would they be and where would yours go?
Why ask it
No needle is involved, so skip the tasteful option and go for the in-joke: a slice of toast, the dog's name, the date of the worst holiday. Sketch both designs on a napkin and vote on whose is less embarrassing.
If you could add one clause to our wedding vows now that you know me properly, what would it say?
Why ask it
The best ones are oddly specific: in sickness, in health, and during the assembly of flat-pack furniture. Write them down. A vow about phone chargers or the last biscuit is worth reading out at the next anniversary.
If the two of us on our wedding day could watch an ordinary Tuesday night of ours now, what would surprise them most?
Why ask it
Likely candidates are the bedtime, the thrill over a new vacuum cleaner, and how little of the evening involves leaving the house. It is a kind way to measure the distance travelled, because that younger pair would mostly be relieved.
Know me
What would I order at a restaurant I had never been to, and how long would I take to decide?
Why ask it
A fair test, because it can be settled the next time you eat out. The timing is the tease: some people choose in the car park and some need the waiter to come back twice. Score a point for the right dish and half for the right category.
What am I really doing when I say I'm 'nearly ready'?
Why ask it
They have stood by the door often enough to know the full sequence: the second outfit, the hunt for keys, the one last message. Hear the list without defending yourself, then find out how many minutes 'nearly' means in their own dialect.
What do I say so often that you could finish the sentence for me?
Why ask it
They will be saying it in your voice before you finish asking. A catchphrase is invisible to its owner, so you may deny it and then use it within the hour. Ask how long it has been going on and who you picked it up from.
What is the one thing I always forget to pack, and the one thing I pack three of?
Why ask it
Packing habits are consistent enough that a spouse can recite them, so expect confidence. No charger and far too many shoes is a familiar pairing. The practical use is obvious: let them look over your bag before the next trip.
What do I do with my face when I'm pretending to like something?
Why ask it
You will be shown the face, and you will not recognise it. Better to find out before the next birthday or dinner at someone's house that your polite expression has never fooled the one person who watches you most.
What song would I choose at karaoke, and how would it go?
Why ask it
Two predictions in one: your taste and your ability. If they name the right song but forecast disaster, you are entitled to a rebuttal performance in the kitchen. A wrong guess reveals which music they think of as yours.
Which useless superpower do I already have?
Why ask it
Hearing a snack being opened from two rooms away, finding the thing that was 'definitely not in that drawer', falling asleep a minute into any film. It is a compliment assembled from a complaint. Settle which of you would be the sidekick.
What do I believe I'm good at that you've never had the heart to correct?
Why ask it
Parallel parking, impressions and assembling furniture without the instructions are the usual suspects. You asked, so the only permitted response is to laugh. Should the answer sting, say so lightly and take the next question instead of arguing the point.
Which story do I tell at every party, and which detail has grown over the years?
Why ask it
Nobody alive has heard it more often, and they can do it in your voice, pauses included. The inflated detail is the fun: the size of the fish, the length of the queue, the speed of the car. Let them tell the whole thing once without correcting it.
What would I do with a completely free Saturday, compared with what I'd claim I was going to do?
Why ask it
Plans and Saturdays rarely match: the announced long run against the actual three hours on the sofa. A spouse who gets both halves right has been paying close attention, which is a compliment however it is phrased.
Back then
What did you tell your friends about me after our first date?
Why ask it
This is the report you were never meant to hear, and after enough years it is safe to release. Press for the exact wording. 'Nice, bit intense' or 'laughs at their own jokes' is worth far more than a tidy summary.
Which part of the story of how we met do I always get wrong?
Why ask it
Couples polish this story for years and each keeps a private correction. Be ready to learn that the line you remember as charming was something else. Leave the witnesses out of it, because the disagreement is better than the facts.
What did you pretend to enjoy while we were dating that you dropped once we were married?
Why ask it
Hiking, jazz, a friend's band, very spicy food: early courtship is full of small frauds. Confess one of yours first. It is only fair, and the list of things neither of you ever liked can turn out oddly long.
What did you really make of my family the first time you met them?
Why ask it
By now the honest version is safe to tell: the uncle who quizzed them, the dog that would not leave them alone, the third helping they could not refuse. Keep it to what was funny. If things with either family are strained right now, save this for another year.
What was the first properly unglamorous moment of mine you witnessed, and what went through your head?
Why ask it
Food poisoning, a meltdown over a tent, tears over a lost umbrella: there is always a first. The second half is the sweet part, since they evidently stayed. Leave this one out if the moment they would pick is one you still cannot laugh about.
What's a story about our wedding day that you tell and I never do?
Why ask it
Two people at the same wedding remember completely different days, and the split is usually along the lines of who was managing what. Expect their version to include a relative you had forgotten was even there.
Which disaster from a trip we took together is only funny now that enough time has passed?
Why ask it
Missed flights and wrong hotels need time before they turn into anecdotes, and this checks whether the time is up. If one of you is still not laughing, it is not ready. Try an older trip.
What's the worst present I've ever given you, and did you keep it?
Why ask it
Let them name it without a defence from you: the novelty apron, the gym membership, the book they had already read. Whether they kept it matters more than how bad it was. Hesitation means it is still in a drawer and they are deciding whether to admit that.
What's something you find funny about me now that used to annoy you?
Why ask it
Somewhere along the way the irritation wore off: the humming while you cook, the road signs read aloud, the running commentary on other people's parking. Ask when it switched. If they cannot think of one, do not offer suggestions.
Which of our private jokes would take longest to explain to an outsider?
Why ask it
Try explaining it and you will find neither of you is sure where it began, only that one word still works years later. The explanation is never funny, which is how you know the joke belongs to the two of you. If nothing comes to mind, a new one is probably due.
Keeping a date night funny rather than pointed
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How to run it
Answer your own question first
Whoever reads the question out loud should answer it before the other person does. It sets the level, and it stops the whole thing feeling like an interview with one subject.
Open with "Start here"
The first group needs no warm-up and no particular mood, so it suits the start of a meal or the first ten minutes of a drive. Move to "Back then" once you are both talking, since the old stories take longer to tell.
Pick a setting with something else to do
A drive, a walk or the washing up works better than sitting opposite each other with a list. Teasing is easier to take when there is somewhere else to look.
Point on three for the "Which of us" questions
Count to three and both point at whoever you think it is. Two fingers aimed at one person settles it. Two people pointing at each other means each has to make a case, and the cases are the entertainment.
Run "Know me" as a quiz
For the questions about how well they know you, write your own answer down before they guess, then compare. Swap roles after each one. Keeping score is optional, and the wrong guesses are usually the better half of the game.
Take the useful answers seriously later
A few answers are real information wrapped in a joke: the habit they have learned to live with, the shirt they would retire, the house rule that makes sense only to you. Act on one of them within the week and they have a reason to answer the next round honestly.
Where this goes wrong
Using a joke as a delivery system
If you already have a complaint about the lateness or the housework, do not smuggle it in here. Both of you can tell, and the rest of the evening becomes a negotiation.
Pushing when an answer lands flat
Watch for the answer that comes back short and level. Money, in-laws, and anything about how the last year went can all turn from funny to real in one sentence. Let them finish, and do not go back to the list until they want to.
Doing the whole list in one sitting
Six good questions with real follow-ups beat a march through all of them. Pick one group for the evening, stop while you are still enjoying it, and keep the rest for the next long drive.
Follow-ups that work on almost any answer
- When did you first notice that?
- Who else knows this?
- What would you have said if I'd asked you five years ago?
- Is there a photo?
- Can you do the impression?
- What would my answer be if you asked me the same thing?