Get to Know You Questions
For new coworkers, classmates, neighbors, teammates and anyone you've just been seated next to. The list runs from basics and favorites through stories and values to dreams, easiest first within each group, and every question carries a note on what the answer tends to tell you and where to go next.
One at a time · 01 of 107
Basics
“What does a normal Tuesday look like for you, from alarm to lights out?”
Why ask it
Tuesday is the most ordinary day of the week, which is the point. You get the real shape of someone's life instead of the highlights they'd pick for a weekend.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Basics
What does a normal Tuesday look like for you, from alarm to lights out?
Why ask it
Tuesday is the most ordinary day of the week, which is the point. You get the real shape of someone's life instead of the highlights they'd pick for a weekend.
Where did you grow up, and would you recognize it if you went back today?
Why ask it
The second half does the work. People hurry past the town name and start describing what changed, which tells you how they feel about where they came from.
Is there a story behind your name, or a nickname that stuck longer than it should have?
Why ask it
Nearly everyone has one or the other, and both come with a relative or a schoolyard attached. Useful early in a group because nobody has to think hard to answer.
Are you a morning person, a night person, or just permanently tired?
Why ask it
That third option gives people permission to be honest and usually gets a laugh. Follow up by asking what hour of the day they feel most like themselves.
Who lives in your home right now, counting pets and ambitious houseplants?
Why ask it
A gentle way to learn about family, roommates or living alone without asking about relationship status. The houseplants give people who live solo something to say.
How do you take your coffee or tea, or are you one of the people who needs neither?
Why ask it
Small, concrete and handy the next time you're fetching a round for the office. People with no caffeine habit tend to be proud of it and will happily explain.
What do you do for work, and how would you explain it to a seven-year-old?
Why ask it
Explaining it to a child strips out the job title and the jargon. You find out what they actually do all day, and whether they still find it interesting.
Do you have siblings, and where do you fall in the lineup?
Why ask it
Most people hold a theory about what being the oldest, the middle, the youngest or the only one did to them. Ask whether they think the stereotype fits.
What did you have for dinner last night, and is that typical?
Why ask it
Almost too small to count as a question, which is why it works with shy people. 'Is that typical' turns a sandwich into a chat about cooking, time and taste.
What's the first thing you do when you walk in the door at the end of the day?
Why ask it
Shoes off, snack, silence, straight to the dog: the ritual shows how they come down from the day. It also hints at how much the day takes out of them.
How do you prefer to be reached: call, text, email or carrier pigeon?
Why ask it
Practical information dressed as small talk. Worth asking new teammates and new friends alike, since plenty of friction starts with someone phoning a committed texter.
What languages did you hear at home when you were growing up?
Why ask it
Opens the door to family history without prying at it. Even a one-language answer tends to arrive with a grandparent's sayings or a regional accent story.
How far do you live from where you were born, and was that the plan?
Why ask it
Distance is a fact, but 'was that the plan' turns it into a story about choices. Some people stayed on purpose, some left on purpose, and many simply drifted.
Are you a planner, or do you figure it out when you get there?
Why ask it
People know which one they are and often live or work with the other kind. Ask for the last time their approach backfired, because there is always a story.
What's the hardest-working object in your kitchen?
Why ask it
A dented pan, a rice cooker, the kettle, the drawer of takeout menus: each is an honest account of how someone eats. Cooks and non-cooks both have an answer.
What's in your bag or pockets right now that says the most about you?
Why ask it
Only works in person, and works best if you empty your own pockets first. The spare hair tie, the ancient receipt and the emergency snack all have explanations.
What do you listen to on the way somewhere: music, podcasts, the news or your own thoughts?
Why ask it
Commutes and walks are private time, so what fills them is telling. Whoever answers 'my own thoughts' deserves a follow-up about what they've been chewing on.
What's a skill you use every day that nobody ever formally taught you?
Why ask it
Reading a room, parallel parking, calming a toddler, fixing the printer. The answer shows what someone had to work out alone, and they're usually proud of it.
What small thing reliably makes an ordinary day better for you?
Why ask it
Keep the stress on 'small' so nobody reaches for vacations or promotions. The answers are cheap and specific, and worth remembering if you'll see this person again.
What were you like at age ten, in three words?
Why ask it
Limiting it to three words keeps it quick and forces a choice. Ask which of the words still applies, and which one their family would argue with.
What's your role in a group: the organizer, the comic, the quiet one, or the one with snacks?
Why ask it
Offering a menu of roles makes it easy to pick one and argue with the rest. On a team, the answers quietly tell you who will book the room and who will bring the jokes.
Favorites
What meal could you eat every week for the rest of your life without complaint?
Why ask it
Asking for a weekly meal, not a single favorite dish, gets you comfort food instead of showing off. Expect a parent's recipe or a very specific takeout order.
What's the correct snack for a long car ride?
Why ask it
Calling it the 'correct' snack invites a mock debate, which is the right tone for people who barely know each other. Lines get drawn over crumbs and sticky fingers.
What's your favorite season, and what's the exact moment you know it has arrived?
Why ask it
Everyone has a favorite season, but few have been asked for the moment it starts. You'll hear about the first cold morning, a smell, a jacket coming out of the closet.
Which movie have you seen so many times you could recite it along with the actors?
Why ask it
Rewatching is a better measure of affection than any ranked list. If they start quoting, let them finish: the performance is part of the answer.
What song do you always turn up, whatever mood you're in?
Why ask it
'Whatever mood you're in' rules out the sad favorites and the guilty ones and leaves the song that simply works on them. Ask where they were when they first heard it.
What's the best smell in the world, in your opinion?
Why ask it
Smell answers come attached to a place and a person almost every time: a bakery, a garage, a grandmother's hallway. Ask where the smell takes them.
What everyday sound do you secretly love, like rain on a roof or a kettle coming to a boil?
Why ask it
Those examples in the question matter, since most people have never been asked this and need a nudge. Quiet people often give the most vivid answers here.
What's your favorite time of day, and where are you usually standing when it happens?
Why ask it
Adding 'where are you standing' turns an abstract preference into a scene: the porch at dusk, the kitchen before anyone else is up. You learn when they get their peace.
What's your favorite way to spend a rainy afternoon with nowhere to be?
Why ask it
With no weather and no obligations to blame, what's left is what someone actually wants to do. A quick read on whether they recharge with people or without them.
What was your favorite book as a kid, and does it hold up?
Why ask it
'Does it hold up' is the better half. Some people have reread it as adults and have strong views, and parents may be reading it aloud this very week.
Which fictional character did you most want to be when you were younger?
Why ask it
Less about taste than about who they hoped to become: the brave one, the clever one, the one with the horse. Ask how close they got.
Which holiday or yearly tradition do you look forward to the most?
Why ask it
Listen for what they describe, because it's rarely the day itself. Usually it's one dish, one person or one odd ritual, and that detail is the thing to ask more about.
What's your favorite thing you own that cost almost nothing?
Why ask it
Price is removed on purpose, so the answer has to be about meaning or usefulness. Expect flea market finds, hand-me-downs and things rescued from a curb.
What piece of clothing have you worn until it practically fell apart?
Why ask it
A sweater kept past the point of decency says more about a person than anything new in their closet. Ask whether it's still in a drawer somewhere. It usually is.
What game, whether board, card, video or playground, are you suspiciously good at?
Why ask it
'Suspiciously good' lets people brag under cover of a joke. If two people name the same game, you have just scheduled your next get-together.
What's your favorite word, purely for how it sounds?
Why ask it
An odd little question that word people adore and everyone else can still answer. Have them say the word out loud, because how they say it is half the fun.
What's your favorite room in any home you've ever lived in?
Why ask it
People pick the room where something good kept happening: a kitchen with a long table, a childhood bedroom, a porch. Ask what went on in there.
What's your favorite thing to cook or make for other people?
Why ask it
Feeding people is how many of us show affection, so this is a values question wearing an apron. Non-cooks tend to have one dependable dish and a story about it.
What's the best gift you've ever been given, and who gave it to you?
Why ask it
Great gifts are rarely the expensive ones, and the giver matters as much as the object. You'll learn who pays close attention to this person.
Who was your favorite teacher, and what did they do differently from the rest?
Why ask it
Good teachers get remembered for one specific habit, such as a phrase, a look or a second chance. It shows how this person likes to be treated when they're learning.
What do you love that other people tease you for loving?
Why ask it
A harder favorite, because it asks them to admit to something uncool. Whatever they say, the only acceptable response is enthusiasm, so have some ready.
Which of your favorites has changed the most in the last ten years?
Why ask it
Taste is a record of who someone used to be. Asking what changed, from music to food to how they spend a Friday night, gets you a short autobiography.
Stories
What's the first thing you remember saving up to buy?
Why ask it
A first big purchase is a complete story: the wanting, the waiting, the jar of coins, and whether the thing was worth it. Works on every age at the table.
What's the worst haircut you've ever had, and who was responsible?
Why ask it
Embarrassment that is safely in the past is the easiest kind to share. There is often photographic evidence, and asking to see it is fair.
What did you get in trouble for as a kid that seems harmless now?
Why ask it
The comedy lives in the gap between the crime and the punishment. You also get a quick sketch of the household they grew up in and who enforced the rules.
What did you believe for far too long as a child?
Why ask it
Everyone had a wrong theory about how the world worked, often involving where food comes from or what adults do all day. Ask who finally corrected them.
What's the most lost you've ever been, with or without a map?
Why ask it
Being lost is frightening at the time and funny afterward, which makes it a dependable story. Notice whether they asked for directions or pressed on stubbornly.
What family story gets retold at every single gathering?
Why ask it
Families sand their favorite stories smooth from repetition, so this one arrives ready to tell. Ask whether they are the hero, the villain or the narrator.
How did you meet your oldest friend?
Why ask it
Origin stories of old friendships tend to be gloriously arbitrary: assigned seats, a shared bus stop, a fight. It also tells you how long this person keeps people.
What's the strangest coincidence that has ever happened to you?
Why ask it
Coincidence stories need no setup and make the teller sound interesting without bragging. Skeptics and believers in the room will both want a word afterward.
What's the best meal you've ever had, and what made it more than the food?
Why ask it
That second clause is there because the honest answer is rarely about the food. It's about who was at the table, how hungry they were, or what had just happened.
What's the most memorable trip you've taken, and what went wrong on it?
Why ask it
Asking what went wrong is the trick. Smooth trips make dull stories, and how someone tells a travel disaster shows how they cope when plans fall apart.
What's the story behind a scar, a chipped tooth or some other bit of wear and tear?
Why ask it
Bodies keep souvenirs, and the stories behind them run to bicycles, siblings and bad ideas. Leave it out if anyone present might have a scar they'd rather not explain.
When did you laugh at exactly the wrong moment?
Why ask it
Solemn ceremonies, school assemblies, serious meetings: nearly everyone has done it. Expect the telling to set off the same helpless laughter, which does a group good.
What's the bravest thing you did before you turned twelve?
Why ask it
Childhood bravery is small in scale and huge in feeling, like a high dive or standing up to a bigger kid. People tell these with real tenderness for their younger selves.
When were you completely, confidently wrong about something?
Why ask it
Only people comfortable with themselves answer this well, so go first with your own. How they tell it matters more than what they were wrong about.
What's the kindest thing a stranger has ever done for you?
Why ask it
Reach for it when a room needs warming up, since the stories are short and restore some faith. Ask whether they've ever managed to pass the favor along.
What's the best stroke of luck you've ever had?
Why ask it
Some people credit luck for everything and others for nothing, and the way they answer shows which camp they're in. Ask what they did with the good fortune.
Tell me about something you quit. Was it the right call?
Why ask it
Quitting carries a bit of shame, so being asked about it plainly comes as a relief to most people. Listen for what they were protecting when they walked away.
What decision looked small at the time and ended up changing the direction of your life?
Why ask it
Few lives turn on the big, planned choice. It was a class picked at random, a party nearly skipped, an email answered. Give people a moment to find theirs.
When did someone believe in you before you believed in yourself?
Why ask it
Better in pairs or small groups than in a big circle. The answer names a specific person, and saying that name out loud is often the most moving part.
What's a goodbye you still think about?
Why ask it
By some distance the heaviest story question here, so keep it for people who have already shared something real. It can be a person, a place or a pet, and all of those count.
Values
What small courtesy do you think matters more than people realize?
Why ask it
Holding a door, returning the cart, replying to the message. Small standards like these are easier to say out loud than grand principles, and more revealing.
How do you like to be thanked: publicly, privately, in writing or with food?
Why ask it
Managers and new teammates should ask this one early. Some people glow at public praise and others would rather vanish, and guessing wrong undoes the thanks.
What's worth being late for?
Why ask it
Five words, and it sorts people at once: a sunset, a friend in tears, a good song on the radio, nothing at all. The 'nothing at all' people are worth teasing gently.
What do you never mind spending money on, and what do you resent paying for?
Why ask it
Spending is values with a receipt. The pairing matters: someone who'll pay anything for good shoes and resents every parking fee is telling you how they weigh the world.
What rule from your childhood home have you kept as an adult?
Why ask it
Shoes off at the door, no phones at dinner, always call when you arrive. Rules that survive into adulthood are the ones a person decided were right after all.
What rule did you grow up with that you've deliberately dropped?
Why ask it
Companion to the question before it, and often the livelier of the two. Dropping a family rule is a small act of independence, and people remember exactly when they did it.
On a bad day, do you want company, advice, or to be left alone?
Why ask it
Genuinely useful for anyone who will see this person regularly. Most of us offer the kind of comfort we'd want ourselves, which is frequently the wrong kind.
What will you always make time for, however busy things get?
Why ask it
A calendar is a truer statement of values than any speech. Whatever survives their busiest weeks, whether a run, a phone call or a Sunday meal, is what matters to them.
What does a good friend do that an acquaintance doesn't?
Why ask it
Defining by contrast is easier than defining from scratch. Most answers come down to showing up, and the examples they reach for hint at what they've been through.
What's a compliment you received that you actually believed?
Why ask it
Most compliments bounce off. The one that got through usually named something the person had worked at and quietly hoped someone would notice.
What do most people treat as optional that you treat as mandatory?
Why ask it
Thank-you notes, stretching, voting in the small elections, backing up files. The answer reveals a private standard, and a mild suspicion of everyone who lacks it.
What's a piece of advice you ignore, even though you know it's good?
Why ask it
Everybody knows they should sleep more and look at their phone less. Admitting the gap between knowing and doing is disarming, and no one feels judged.
What do you admire in other people that you find hard to do yourself?
Why ask it
Envy with the sting taken out. Whatever they name, be it patience, tidiness or saying no, is usually the thing they are working on at the moment.
Who taught you the most about how to treat people, and how did they teach it?
Why ask it
The 'how' keeps it from becoming a tribute speech. Most people learned by watching someone deal with a waiter, a rival or a bad day, and they remember the scene.
What's an opinion you've changed your mind about in the last few years?
Why ask it
Shows whether someone can update without feeling they've lost. Keep it clear of hot-button debates by asking what changed their mind, not whether they're right.
What do you do on principle, even though it's inconvenient?
Why ask it
Principles are cheap until they cost something. Walking back to return the extra change, refusing to cut the line: the inconvenience is the proof.
Would you rather be known for being kind, being right, or being reliable?
Why ask it
All three are good, which is why the choice is hard and the reasoning is interesting. Ask which one they'd give up first under pressure.
Where do you draw the line between being honest and being unkind?
Why ask it
There is no correct answer, but everyone has a working rule and an example of someone who got it wrong. Best with people who already trust each other a little.
What are you most protective of: your time, your energy, your people or your peace?
Why ask it
A menu makes a big question answerable. What someone guards most is usually what ran short at some point, so tread lightly with the follow-up.
What does 'enough' look like to you: enough money, enough success, enough stuff?
Why ask it
A quietly radical question, because few people have ever named the number or the feeling. Give it silence. Good answers take a while to arrive.
What's a promise you made to yourself that you've actually kept?
Why ask it
Kept promises to oneself are rare and private, so you are asking for something they're proud of but seldom mention. Expect a pause, then something specific.
What do you want people to feel after they've spent an hour with you?
Why ask it
It asks for a person's intention, not their self-image. A fine closing question for a group, since everyone has just spent the hour together and can compare notes.
Dreams
What would you name a boat, a band or a bakery, if you ever ended up with one?
Why ask it
No ambition required, only a sense of humor. The names people invent show their taste in a few words, and someone will always insist on naming all three.
What skill would you love to wake up tomorrow already having?
Why ask it
Waking up with it removes the years of practice, so you hear what they actually want and not what they think they ought to want. Ask what they'd do with it first.
If you had a free Saturday and a full tank of gas, where would you point the car?
Why ask it
A dream scaled to a single day, so it is easy to answer and easy to act on. If the destination is nearby, ask what has been stopping them.
What would your home look like if you could design it from the ground up?
Why ask it
Some people want a library with a ladder and some want one giant room with a view. The house someone imagines is a drawing of the life they'd like inside it.
What did you want to be when you were eight, and is any piece of that still in you?
Why ask it
Its second half rescues this from being a throwaway. The would-be astronaut who now loves maps and the would-be vet who fosters dogs are the same child grown up.
Where would you live for one year if work and money took care of themselves?
Why ask it
A year is long enough to mean it and short enough to be plausible. Ask what an ordinary weekday there would look like, which is where the real wish is hiding.
Which language would you most like to speak fluently, and who would you talk to first?
Why ask it
'Who would you talk to' is the point. Often it's a grandparent, an in-law or the people of one particular town, and the language is just the way in.
What would you do with an extra hour every day that nobody else got?
Why ask it
An hour is small enough that people answer truthfully: sleep, reading, a walk, the guitar in the corner. It is what they'd do now if they felt they were allowed.
If you opened a small shop on a quiet street, what would it sell?
Why ask it
What the shop sells is whatever this person could happily discuss with strangers all day. Ask what it's called and who the regulars are, and the fantasy fills in fast.
What class would you teach if a school let you teach anything at all?
Why ask it
Everyone is an authority on something unofficial, like packing a car trunk, making small talk or baking bread. It lets people claim a skill without sounding boastful.
What's a trip you've planned in your head but never booked?
Why ask it
Plenty of people carry one fully imagined trip around, down to the route. Asking why it remains unbooked is gentle, and sometimes it's the nudge they needed.
What would you build if you had a big empty barn and a year off?
Why ask it
The barn removes the usual excuses of space and time. Makers light up at this, and people who insist they aren't makers tend to surprise themselves.
What have you always wanted to try but keep finding reasons not to?
Why ask it
'Finding reasons not to' names the dodge kindly, so people admit to it. Ask what the smallest possible first step would be, then leave it alone.
If you could run a second career in parallel with this one, what would it be?
Why ask it
Asking for a parallel career, not a replacement, means nobody has to confess to hating their job. The accountant wants to be a carpenter more often than you'd guess.
What cause would you throw yourself into if you had the time and the means?
Why ask it
Some have an answer ready and others have never been asked. Either way, keep it about what they'd build or fix and away from what they're against.
What would you title the book of your life so far, and what should the next chapter be called?
Why ask it
A title forces a summary with some wit in it, and the next chapter is a plan in disguise. In a group, write them on cards and guess whose is whose.
What would your ideal ordinary day look like ten years from now?
Why ask it
The word 'ordinary' is doing the work. Skip the lottery fantasy and you hear about the people at breakfast, the work and the pace they're actually aiming for.
What do you hope you never stop doing, however old you get?
Why ask it
A dream about keeping, not getting. The answer, whether dancing in the kitchen, swimming or learning things, is what makes them feel most alive today.
What do you want to be doing on your eightieth birthday?
Why ask it
A distant birthday makes it safe to be sincere. Note who is in the room in their version and what they're still able to do, since both are wishes.
What dream have you outgrown, and what replaced it?
Why ask it
Letting go of a dream is usually told as failure, and this wording treats it as growing up. What replaced it is often quieter and much closer to what they wanted.
What dream have you never said out loud because it sounds too big?
Why ask it
Ask this only if you're prepared to take the answer seriously. If they tell you, don't assess whether it's realistic. Ask what it would look like.
What do you hope the people closest to you will say you gave them?
Why ask it
The deepest question in the set, and one for close company. It asks what someone wants to leave behind without mentioning endings at all.
How to use these with people you've just met
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you start
Match the tag to the room
Basics and Favorites suit strangers, new teams and classrooms. Stories work once people have relaxed a little. Hold Values and Dreams until somebody has already volunteered something personal, because asked cold they feel like a quiz.
Answer first
Give your own answer before asking anyone else, at about the length and honesty you hope to get back. People calibrate to the first answer they hear, so a one-liner from you will get one-liners in return.
Ask fewer than you planned
A handful of questions with real follow-ups beats a race through the list. When an answer is interesting, stay with it. 'What happened next' and 'how did that feel' are nearly always better than the next question down.
Make skipping normal
Say at the start that anyone can pass on any question without explaining. A guaranteed exit makes people more willing to answer, and it keeps the questions about family, money or childhood from cornering anyone.
Ways to run it
Pairs, then introductions
- 1Split the group into pairs, ideally people who don't know each other.
- 2Give every pair the same two or three questions and about ten minutes.
- 3Bring everyone back and have each person introduce their partner using one thing they learned.
- 4Allow the group one follow-up per introduction, then move on.
Once around the circle
- 1Choose one easy question from Basics or Favorites and answer it yourself.
- 2Go around the circle in order so nobody has to decide when to jump in.
- 3Keep answers to a sentence or two on the first lap.
- 4On the second lap, pick a Stories question and let the answers run longer.
A question a week for teams
- 1Open a standing meeting with a single question and a two-minute limit for the whole round.
- 2Rotate who picks the question so it doesn't become the manager's ritual.
- 3Start in Basics and move along the tags over the weeks as the team warms up.
- 4Drop it for a week whenever the team is under pressure. It should feel like a break, not an agenda item.
One on one
With a single person, skip the structure. Pick a question you are actually curious about, ask it, and trade answers. A couple of questions can fill an hour if you follow the tangents, and the tangents are the point.
When it goes sideways
You're getting one-word answers
Abstract questions make nervous people freeze. Switch to something concrete from Basics, such as last night's dinner, and offer your own answer as a model. If someone stays quiet, let them. Listening is also taking part.
One person is doing all the talking
Use a format with built-in turns, like going around the circle, and set a loose time limit before you begin, not in the middle of someone's story. 'Let's hear from someone who hasn't gone yet' is polite and it works.
Someone shares something heavy
Thank them, leave a beat of silence, and don't try to fix it or match it with a sadder story. Then move to a lighter question yourself so the person isn't left holding the room.
It starts to feel like an interview
Stop asking and start trading. React to answers, give your own, and let the conversation leave the list entirely if it wants to. The questions exist to get things started, and a good session abandons them.
You don't know people's circumstances
In workplaces, classrooms and mixed-age groups, lean on Basics, Favorites and Dreams. Questions about siblings, childhood homes and money are tender for some people, so keep those for settings where skipping is easy.