Questions to Ask a Child Before Baptism
Questions for a parent, pastor or children's minister sitting down with a child who has asked to be baptised, covering whose idea it was, what the child thinks it means in their own words, what they are nervous about, and whether they know they can say no.
20 questions, each with the reason to ask it · includes a conversation guide
The questions
Open any question to see why it works.
- 1
Whose idea was this?
It sorts a child following a friend from a child following a parent's timeline from a child who asked on their own. None of those disqualifies anyone, but they call for different conversations. Watch whether the child glances at a parent before answering.
- 2
Tell me what you think happens at a baptism.
Get their picture of the day before you correct anything. Children often have a vivid and slightly wrong version, and the details they invent, holding their breath, everyone watching, a change they will feel, show you exactly what to talk about next.
- 3
Why do you want to do it?
Ask it early while it is still an easy question rather than a test. Answers about a friend doing it, or about pleasing a parent, are worth hearing without alarm; they are the starting point of the conversation, not a verdict on the child.
- 4
What does it mean, in your own words? Try not to use words you have heard at church.
Children repeat memorised phrases fluently, and fluency is easy to mistake for understanding. Asking for their own vocabulary separates recall from comprehension. Do not correct the first attempt; just ask them to say a bit more.
- 5
Who is Jesus to you?
Take whatever a child of that age can give. A seven year old may say a friend or someone who loves me, and that is a real answer. What you are listening for is whether there is any relationship in it at all, or only information.
- 6
What does the word sin mean to you?
Listen for whether it lands as behaviour, being naughty, or as something heavier that they seem anxious about. If the answer sounds frightened, that is worth slowing down for, because fear is a poor reason for a child to be baptised.
- 7
What do you think being forgiven feels like?
It moves the conversation from definition to experience. Children often reach for a household example, being forgiven by a parent, and that comparison tells you far more about their understanding than any doctrinal answer would.
- 8
Do you think baptism makes you better behaved, or is it something different?
Many children quietly believe it is a reward for being good or a fix for being bad. Finding out now saves a disappointed child a fortnight later when they discover they still argue with their brother.
- 9
What would you say if a friend at school asked why you did this?
This is the practical test of whether they own it. It also prepares them for the actual conversation, which will happen on the playground within days, and it gives you a chance to help them find words they are comfortable saying out loud.
- 10
Is there anything about it that worries you?
Almost every child has something, and it is usually practical: the water going in their nose, being cold, wearing the wrong thing, being looked at. Named fears are nearly all solvable, and unnamed ones show up as tears on the day.
- 11
Do you know how many people will be watching, and how do you feel about that?
Some children love it and some are frightened of the crowd, the microphone or being on a screen. Ask specifically, because a child can be settled about the theology and still dread the audience.
- 12
Would you like to know exactly what will happen, step by step?
Offering the walkthrough is itself a question about how they cope. Some children want every detail, including where to put their feet. Others prefer not to think about it. Following their preference here reduces the chance of a distressed child in the water.
- 13
Do you know you are allowed to wait, and that nobody would be upset with you?
Say it clearly and mean it. A child who cannot say no is not able to say a real yes, and this is the sentence that gives them the room. Watch for relief on their face, which is worth paying attention to.
- 14
Has anyone told you that you have to do this?
Ask it gently and without any suggestion that an adult is in trouble. Pressure sometimes comes from a grandparent, a friendship group or a class at church rather than from parents, and it is easier for a child to admit if you ask neutrally.
- 15
What do you think will be different the day after?
This catches an expectation of a dramatic change. It is kinder to lower it now, warmly, than to leave the child wondering in a fortnight whether something went wrong or whether it did not take.
- 16
Who do you want standing with you?
A practical question that also matters to the child more than adults expect. It surfaces the person whose presence makes it feel real, which is sometimes a grandparent or a sibling rather than whoever the church would usually place there.
- 17
Do you want to say anything out loud, or would you rather I do the talking?
Give both options equal weight in your voice. A quiet child who is told they will be asked questions in front of the congregation may withdraw from the whole idea rather than say they are scared.
- 18
What do you want to happen after this?
Baptism sits inside a longer story, and asking about what comes next tells you whether the child sees it as an ending or a beginning. Answers about wanting to keep coming, or about a friend, are honest data about where they are.
- 19
What questions do you have for me?
Leave a real silence here rather than moving on. Children save their most direct questions for this moment, and they are often about family members who are not baptised, about death, or about something they are worried they got wrong.
- 20
Is there anything you have been thinking that you were not sure you were allowed to ask?
The one that reaches doubts. Children learn early which questions make adults uncomfortable, and giving explicit permission is usually what it takes. Whatever comes out, take it seriously and do not rush to resolve it.
Sitting down with the child
Practical guidance for the conversation itself.
Setting up the conversation
Setting up the conversation
Check what your tradition expects
Practice varies widely. Some churches baptise infants and hold a later confirmation, others baptise on profession of faith at any age, and many have a minimum age or a set of classes. Confirm what your own church asks for before you promise a child anything about timing.
Choose who is in the room
A child with a parent present will often answer for the parent's benefit. Many ministers ask for part of the conversation with the child alone, with the parent nearby, so that a real no remains possible. Agree that shape with the parent in advance.
Keep it short
Fifteen to twenty minutes is usually the limit before answers become compliant rather than considered. Two shorter conversations a week apart will tell you more than one long one, and the gap lets the child think.
Do not treat it as an examination
A child who feels tested will guess at the answer they think you want. Sit beside rather than opposite them, let them do something with their hands, and say plainly at the start that there are no wrong answers here.
How to ask without leading
How to ask without leading
- Avoid questions that contain their own answer, such as you know Jesus loves you, do you not. You will get a yes and learn nothing.
- Use open starters: tell me about, what do you think, how would you explain. Yes or no questions produce yes from children who want to please.
- Repeat their own words back to them rather than upgrading them into church vocabulary. If they say Jesus is my friend, work with friend.
- Let silence run for longer than feels comfortable. Children need several seconds, and adults tend to fill the gap with the answer.
- Do not react with delight to a good answer and neutrality to a poor one. Children read the difference instantly and adjust.
- If a child says I do not know, accept it and move on. Returning to it later gets a better answer than pressing does.
What to do with what you hear
What to do with what you hear
- If the child is mostly repeating an adult's phrases, that is not a refusal, it is a reason to talk again in a month.
- If fear is the main note, particularly fear of hell or of a parent's disappointment, address that on its own before any date is set.
- If the answers are simple but their own, that is usually what age appropriate understanding looks like, and depth of vocabulary is not the measure.
- If a child hesitates about the day itself but is settled about the meaning, the problem is logistics and can be solved: smaller service, warmer water, fewer people, no microphone.
- If the child says they would rather wait, say thank you and mean it, then tell the parents in front of the child that this was a good decision.
- Whatever is decided, tell the child what happens next and when, so the conversation ends with something concrete rather than an open question.