Questions to Ask a Disabled Person

The questions

Open any question to see why it works.

1. 1

   Do you have a preference for how I talk about this?

   Some people say disabled person, some say person with a disability, and some prefer a specific term like Deaf, autistic or wheelchair user. Preferences are individual and often strongly held, and asking once saves years of guessing.

2. 2

   Is there anything that would make this easier that I would not think of?

   Open enough that they set the terms rather than answering a checklist. It also signals that you expect the answer to be practical rather than emotional, which is the register most people prefer for this.

3. 3

   Would you rather I ask when I am unsure, or just follow your lead?

   People genuinely differ here. Some find constant checking exhausting and would rather you copy what they do; others would much rather field a direct question than watch you guess. One answer covers dozens of future moments.

4. 4

   Is this place going to work, or should we pick somewhere else?

   Ask before booking, not after arriving. A venue can be technically accessible and still be unworkable because of noise, lighting, a single accessible toilet on another floor, or a step at the entrance that no listing mentions.

5. 5

   How much notice do you like for plans like this?

   Spontaneity has a cost that is invisible from outside: booking accessible transport, arranging a support worker, or budgeting energy. Knowing the notice window means fewer invitations that arrive too late to accept.

6. 6

   Do you want a hand with that, and if so, what kind?

   The second half is what makes this a good question rather than a polite one. Help given without asking is the most commonly reported irritation, particularly pushing a wheelchair or grabbing an arm, and it can be genuinely unsafe.

7. 7

   What does a good week look like compared with a hard one?

   Better than asking how they are, because it accounts for conditions that fluctuate. It also lets someone explain variability without having to justify why they managed something on Tuesday and not on Friday.

8. 8

   What is the most tiring part of an ordinary week?

   The answer is often not the disability itself but the logistics around it: unreliable transport, appointments, admin, explaining things repeatedly. That gap is the single most useful thing a non-disabled friend can learn.

9. 9

   What do people assume about your job because of assumptions about you?

   Useful with a coworker. Disabled professionals are routinely underestimated, over-praised for routine work, or left out of the harder assignments they want. Naming it is often a relief because so few colleagues raise it.

10. 10

    Do you have adjustments at work, and are they actually working?

    Adjustments are often agreed and then quietly not implemented, or implemented once and never updated. The second half of the question is the part that matters, and it is almost never asked by anyone.

11. 11

    Who in your life handles this well, and what do they do?

    Asks for a model to copy rather than a rule to memorize. The examples are usually small and concrete, like a friend who always texts a photo of the entrance, and they are far more useful than general etiquette advice.

12. 12

    Which questions are you tired of?

    Gives someone a direct route to say what they do not want to discuss without having to refuse a specific question later. Expect the list to include the origin story, and take it seriously rather than treating it as a challenge.

13. 13

    How do you want me to handle it when someone else says something clumsy?

    This comes up more than people expect, in shops, at parties and at work. Some want you to step in, some want it left alone, and some find intervention more embarrassing than the original remark. Ask in advance rather than improvising.

14. 14

    Has the way you get around or get things done changed in the last few years?

    Opens a door without demanding a diagnosis. It also covers people whose situation is recent or progressive, for whom the interesting subject is adaptation rather than cause.

15. 15

    What is something you are into that nobody ever asks you about?

    The most reliably welcome question here. Disabled people are asked about disability constantly and about their actual interests rarely, and the imbalance is one of the more wearing parts of meeting new people.

16. 16

    What do you wish more places did without being asked?

    Produces specific, practical answers: a chair by the counter, a menu that can be read on a phone, staff who do not move things. It is also a question people rarely get to answer, and they usually have a list ready.

17. 17

    Is there anything you would rather not get into with me?

    Sets a boundary early and explicitly, which is easier than declining a question that has already been asked. Worth saying once at the start of a friendship rather than after something has landed badly.

18. 18

    Is there anything I have been doing that you have not mentioned?

    Most people absorb small irritations rather than correcting a new friend. Asking directly, and not being defensive about the answer, is what makes it safe for them to tell you the next thing without waiting to be asked.

19. 19

    What would you want people to understand that is hard to explain quickly?

    Deliberately unhurried, and it works best when there is time. Answers often concern invisible symptoms, pain, energy limits, or the difference between what a condition is and what daily life with it is like.

20. 20

    Is there anything here you would rather I did not repeat?

    Necessary if this is an interview or if you share a workplace. Disability information is often disclosed selectively, and someone may be out to you and not to a manager, a team, or their wider family.