Questions to Ask Adults About Adulthood
Questions to ask adults about adulthood, for a teenager, student or young adult interviewing a parent, relative, teacher or neighbor about what being grown up is really like, for a class assignment or out of plain curiosity. They run in the order a good interview does: when they first felt like an adult, then work, money, people and daily life, and last what they would say looking back. Each has a note on the follow-up to ask, what a telling answer sounds like, or when to leave the question out.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Growing up
When did you first feel like an adult, and what were you doing at the time?
Why ask it
Most people name a moment, not a birthday: signing a lease, a first paycheck, a night in a hospital waiting room. If they say they still don't feel like one, write that down word for word. It is an honest answer, and it makes a strong opening line for a write-up.
What did you picture when you imagined being grown up, back when you were my age?
Why ask it
You are asking for the picture, so push for details: the house, the job, the age they thought they would have it all figured out by. The distance between that picture and their real life sets up nearly every later question, which is why it belongs near the start.
What is the hardest part of being an adult, and is it the part you thought it would be?
Why ask it
Give them time, because the first answer is often a joke about bills and the real one comes second. It is frequently something quiet, like keeping up with paperwork or staying in touch with people, not the things that look hardest from where you sit. Whether it matches what they expected shows how well anyone predicts their own life, you included.
What did nobody teach you about being an adult that you had to figure out yourself?
Why ask it
Expect practical things: cooking a week of meals, calling to dispute a charge, reading a contract before signing it. The useful half is how they learned it, whether from a person, a mistake or a late-night search.
What makes someone an adult, in your view: an age, or something they do?
Why ask it
Answers split between a marker, such as a birthday, a job or a home of their own, and a behavior, like paying your own way or cleaning up your own mess. Then ask whether they met their own definition at twenty. If they admit they didn't, you have the start of a good story.
What was the first thing you had to handle completely on your own, with nobody checking it?
Why ask it
It could be a doctor's visit, a flat tire or a form with a deadline. A good answer includes how badly the first attempt went. Find out who they wanted to call, and whether they did.
What did leaving home look like for you: when, where to, and how ready were you?
Why ask it
Not everyone left at eighteen, and some never moved out or came back later, so don't treat moving out as the test of being grown up. What they packed and what they forgot gets a better story than how it felt.
Was there a moment you realized the grown-ups around you were figuring it out as they went?
Why ask it
Often it comes from a first job, or from the first time they saw a parent unsure what to do. If they laugh and say 'every day', ask for the earliest time they noticed. It is a reassuring thing to carry around, so quote it exactly.
Work
What was your first job, and what did it teach you that school hadn't?
Why ask it
First jobs are mostly lessons in showing up, dealing with the public and taking instructions from someone you didn't choose. The stories tend to be funny, which is why this is the one to open the subject of work with.
How did you end up in the work you do: a plan, or one thing leading to another?
Why ask it
Hearing the turns in someone's working life is a relief if you have no plan yourself. Ask which turn was luck and which was a decision. If they say it was all planned, ask what the plan was at twenty and see whether it matches.
What does your job involve that the job title doesn't tell me?
Why ask it
Titles hide the meetings, the email and the waiting. Have them walk you through yesterday in particular. If their field interests you, this answer is worth more than a career brochure.
What do you like about your work, and what do you simply put up with?
Why ask it
Nearly every job has both, and an adult who can name each without drama is showing you what a workable job looks like. If the second list runs long and bitter, don't argue or console. Ask what keeps them there.
What did you have to learn about getting along with a boss or with coworkers?
Why ask it
School doesn't grade this, and adults spend years on it. Good answers are specific, like learning to ask what 'soon' means or to put an agreement in writing. If they start naming people, leave the names out of your notes.
Have you ever had a job you needed to leave, and how did you know it was time?
Why ask it
The signal they noticed first is the detail to catch: dread on a Sunday night, a boss, no room to learn. Then ask how long passed between knowing and going, because that gap is where the money and the nerve come into it.
How much of who you are is your job?
Why ask it
Some will say nearly all of it and some nearly none, and neither is wrong. The follow-up that matters is whether they are happy with that share. Someone between jobs, or at home with children, may have the most thought-out answer of anyone.
How much energy do you have left when the workday ends, and where does it go?
Why ask it
Teenagers often wonder why adults seem tired, and this is the polite way to find out. Answers vary with the job, the commute and who is waiting at home, so ask what a good evening looks like and what a flat one does.
If you were my age again, would you choose the same line of work?
Why ask it
Notice how fast the answer comes. A quick yes deserves a 'why', and a long pause usually means a story, not a regret. Then find out what they would pick now and what stood in the way back then.
Money
What was the first real bill with your name on it, and how did paying it feel?
Why ask it
A small, concrete way into money that few people find intrusive. They tend to remember whether it was pride or dread. The follow-up is how they knew what to do with it.
What did you get wrong about money in your first few years of earning it?
Why ask it
A good answer names one mistake and what it cost in time or stress, not necessarily in dollars. Be curious about an adult who says they got nothing wrong: either someone taught them unusually well, in which case ask who, or they would rather not say.
How do you keep track of what comes in and what goes out?
Why ask it
Some people use a spreadsheet, some an app, some a glance at the balance and a hope. 'I never really have' is a perfectly usable answer, so follow it with what they do in its place. Stick to the method and leave the amounts alone.
What costs far more than you expected, and what costs less?
Why ask it
Housing, food and anything to do with a car come up a lot, but the specifics depend entirely on where they live. Record it as their experience in their town, and put the same question to someone who lives somewhere else if you can.
Have you ever been really short of money, and what did you do that month?
Why ask it
Save this for someone you know well, and let them decide how much to tell. What you are after is the sequence: what they cut, who they told and how long it lasted. If they change the subject, let them.
Who showed you how to deal with taxes, insurance and the rest of the official paperwork?
Why ask it
The rules differ by country, state and employer, so nothing you hear is a rule for you. What transfers is the method: who they asked, what they keep in a folder, and what they would look up first if they were starting again.
What do you wish you had understood about borrowing before the first time you did it?
Why ask it
Loans, cards and payment plans work differently from one lender and one place to the next, so hear it as how it went for them and not how it will go for you. Someone who has never borrowed has a story too: how they managed it and what they went without.
How do you decide whether you can afford something you want?
Why ask it
Sort the answer into rule or feeling. A waiting period, a separate account or a number they won't go under are all rules you could borrow. 'I just know' deserves a follow-up about the last time they were wrong.
If I got my first paycheck tomorrow, what one habit would you tell me to start with it?
Why ask it
Put this exact question to every adult you interview and line the answers up afterward. Where three people who don't know each other say the same thing, you have a pattern worth reporting, though still not a rule.
People
What happened to your school friendships once school ended?
Why ask it
Many adults keep one or two and lose the rest without any falling-out, which is useful to hear before it happens to you. Ask what the friendships that lasted had in common. Often it is one person who kept making the call.
How do you make a new friend as an adult, when there's no class to sit in together?
Why ask it
You want mechanics: a team, a neighbor, a standing weekly thing, a coworker who became more than that. An adult who says they haven't made one in years is telling you honestly how much effort it takes, so don't rush past it.
Who do you still go to for advice?
Why ask it
The point is the word 'still'. Finding out that a forty-year-old calls their mother about a leaking faucet changes what you think an adult is. 'No one' is an answer too: find out when that stopped and whether they miss it.
How did things change between you and your parents once you were grown?
Why ask it
If you are interviewing your own parent, you are hearing about your grandparents and also getting a preview of the two of you in fifteen years. Some people have painful answers here, so ask gently and accept a short one.
What did you learn from sharing a home with someone, whether a roommate, a partner or family?
Why ask it
Dishes, noise, money and guests are where the stories are. The skill underneath is how they raised a problem the first time, and most people will admit they got that wrong before they got it right.
What do you understand about love or commitment now that you didn't at twenty?
Why ask it
Keep it general and let them choose the example, especially for a class assignment someone else will read. Leave it out with anyone who has recently been through a breakup, a divorce or a loss.
Have you started looking after the people who used to look after you, and when did that begin?
Why ask it
It often starts small, with driving a parent to appointments or hosting the holiday meal, and many people can name the day they noticed. Those in the middle, with children and aging parents both, have the most to say and the least time to say it. If the answer is 'not yet', ask what they expect it to look like.
Is adult life lonelier than being a teenager was, or less lonely?
Why ask it
You will get both answers, sometimes from the same person. Which years were the loneliest, and what ended them? It is a heavier question than it looks, so place it after an easy one and don't make it your last.
Daily life
What does a completely ordinary weekday look like for you, from the alarm to lights out?
Why ask it
Ask for last Tuesday, not a typical day, and you get the real one with the school drop-off and the forgotten lunch in it. Write down the times. A timeline of an actual day is the most quotable thing you can bring back to a class.
Which chore or errand takes up far more of adult life than anyone warned you about?
Why ask it
Laundry, groceries, waiting on hold and booking appointments are the usual suspects. A funny answer here is still a true one. Most people have a trick for making theirs bearable, and the trick is worth collecting.
What decision do you have to make again and again that wears you down?
Why ask it
This gets at the weight of being the one who decides, which is hard to see from outside. Dinner is the classic, but bigger ones turn up too, like how to spend a weekend or when to say no to family.
How much free time do you really get in a week, and what do you do with it?
Why ask it
Have them count hours, because 'not much' tells you nothing. Then compare it with your own week. What they do with the time is the second finding: rest, a hobby, other people, or a screen and some guilt about it.
How do you handle a week when everything lands at once?
Why ask it
The useful part is what they physically do: write a list, drop one thing on purpose, go for a walk, tell someone. 'I just push through' is a common answer, and the follow-up is what that costs them the week after. Take it as one person's way of coping, not a method that suits everyone.
What do you do to look after your health now that nobody makes you?
Why ask it
The question is about habits like sleep, cooking, exercise and checkups, not about conditions, so don't press if they go quiet. Treat what you hear as one person's routine and not as health advice.
Who depends on you, and how does that change what you're free to decide?
Why ask it
Children are the obvious answer, but it may be a partner, a parent, a team at work or a pet. A thoughtful adult describes it as a weight and a reason at once. If you only hear the weight, ask what they get back.
When something breaks or goes wrong at home, what do you do first?
Why ask it
The answer gives away the trick: adults look things up, call someone who knows, or knock on a neighbor's door. Get the last real example. Knowing who to ask is most of the skill, and it is one you can start building now.
What is the best part of being in charge of your own life?
Why ask it
Without this question an interview about adulthood turns into a list of warnings. The answers are often small and delighted: cereal for dinner, a road trip on a whim, a room painted an odd color. It works well straight after a heavy one.
Looking back
What has surprised you most about being an adult?
Why ask it
Leave it wide open and don't suggest examples, because the first thing that comes to mind is usually the truest. In a write-up, this answer and the one about first feeling like an adult make a natural pair.
What do you miss about being young, and what are you glad is over?
Why ask it
Asking for both stops it from sliding into nostalgia. The 'glad it's over' half is often about being told what to do, or not yet knowing who they were, which is comforting to hear when you are in the middle of it.
What were you worried about at my age that turned out not to matter?
Why ask it
Have your own current worry in mind when you ask, and see whether theirs matches it. Then turn it around: what should they have worried about more? That second answer tends to be the practical one.
What advice about growing up did you get that turned out to be wrong?
Why ask it
Adults enjoy this one, and it is a reminder that advice comes with an expiration date and a place of origin. Note who gave the advice and when. What held for their parents' generation may be exactly the part that changed.
What is one choice from your first years as an adult that you would make differently now?
Why ask it
Regret is a heavy word, so this asks for a single choice instead. The best answers include what they knew at the time, which is usually why the choice made sense. Leave it out if an earlier answer already touched something painful, such as a job or a relationship that ended badly.
If you could say one sentence to yourself at eighteen, what would it be?
Why ask it
One sentence forces a choice, and people take a while over it, so wait. Collect these from everyone you interview and print them together. A good second question is whether their eighteen-year-old self would have listened.
What are you still figuring out, even now?
Why ask it
Asked near the end, it leaves the interview on the idea that nobody is finished. A quick answer with no embarrassment in it usually comes from someone at ease with that. Thank them for it, because admitting this to a younger person takes some trust.
What should I be enjoying right now that I won't appreciate until later?
Why ask it
It turns the conversation back to your life, which many adults have been waiting to do. Expect to hear about time, friends within walking distance and having meals cooked for you. You don't have to agree, only to write it down and read it again in ten years.
Is there something about adulthood you expected me to ask and I didn't?
Why ask it
Always the last question. It catches whatever your list missed, and it is often where the thing they most wanted to say comes out. Leave a pause after it and keep the recorder running.
How to interview an adult about adulthood
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you ask anyone
Pick adults at different stages
One person gives you a story. Three give you a pattern. If you can, talk to someone a few years out of school, someone in the middle of a career and someone with children or other people depending on them. A teacher, a neighbor or an aunt will often say things a parent won't say to their own kid.
Say what it's for and how long it takes
Tell them whether it is for a class, who will read it and that you need about twenty minutes. Adults answer more freely when they know whether their words are going on a poster or staying between the two of you. Offer to leave their name off.
Choose ten or twelve, not the whole list
Take two from each group and add the few you are most curious about. An interview that tries to cover everything gets short answers to all of it. Mark three you would be sorry to miss, so that if time runs out those are already asked.
Ask before you record
A phone recording frees you to listen, but ask first and say you will delete it once you have written things up. If they would prefer you didn't, take notes and read their best lines back to them to check you have the words right.
During the conversation
Follow the order of the groups
Growing up is the easy start because it asks for a story they have told before. Work comes next because most people talk about their jobs readily, and Money follows once they have seen how you ask. People and Daily life get more personal, and Looking back is where they sum up. Open with advice and you get slogans. Leave it until the end and it comes with the stories behind it.
Three follow-ups that get the story
'How old were you?', 'What happened next?' and 'Who did you ask?' do most of the work. They turn an opinion into an event with a date and other people in it, which is what a reader will remember.
On money, ask about habits and never amounts
Nobody owes you their salary, rent or debts, and asking makes the whole interview guarded. Ask what they do, how they learned it and what they would change. If they volunteer a number, check with them before it goes into anything other people will read.
Ask how it works where they are
Taxes, insurance, loans, renting and benefits at work run on rules that change with the country, the state, the employer and the year. When an adult explains one, add 'is that how it works everywhere, or just for you?' Write it down as their experience and look up your own situation when the time comes.
If the adult is your own parent
Say at the start that you are asking as an interviewer and that they can skip anything. You will hear things about your own household, so don't argue with the answers or bring them up at dinner. Interviewing an aunt, an uncle or a family friend as well gives you something to compare.
Turning the answers into something
Write it up the same day
Exact words fade fast. Within the hour, write down the three sentences you would quote and the one answer that surprised you. A phrase in their own voice is worth more than a paragraph of your summary.
Compare the adults, not just the answers
Put the answers to one question side by side, such as what makes someone an adult, the first-paycheck habit or the sentence to their eighteen-year-old self. Note where people of different ages agree and where they split. The disagreements usually make the more interesting half of a report.
Keep experience and advice apart
'This happened to me' is an account. 'You should always' is an opinion formed in a different decade and possibly a different economy. Report both, label which is which, and say in your write-up that these are a few people's experiences and not rules.
Close the loop
Send a thank-you and, if it was for a class, a copy of what you wrote. Tell them one thing you are going to do differently because of the conversation. These are not questions adults get asked often, and many will be glad to be asked again in a few years.