Questions to Ask Your Host Family
Questions to ask your host family, whether you are an exchange student, an au pair or a homestay guest. The first group is for the first call or the first night. The rest cover meals, the house, going out, practical matters such as money, hours and emergencies, and family life, and can be worked through over your first week. Each question has a note on what the answer tells you, what to ask next or how the rule may depend on your program.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Start Here
What should I call you?
Why ask it
Guessing between a first name, Mr. and Mrs., or a family word like Mom is awkward in both directions, so settle it on the first evening. If their language has a formal and an informal word for you, ask which one to use with the parents and which with the grandparents.
Who lives in the house, and what does everyone's week normally look like?
Why ask it
Work shifts, school drop-offs, a grandparent who visits on Sundays and a sibling who sleeps late explain most of the house's rhythms. You also learn when the bathroom is busy and when the kitchen is free, and those two are behind a lot of early friction.
Which house rules matter most to you?
Why ask it
Every home has a long list of preferences and a short list of rules that cause real upset when broken. Asking for the short list shows you where to be careful from day one, and it is fine to ask why a rule exists if the reason is not obvious to you.
What are meals like here: who cooks, when do you eat, and do you want everyone at the table?
Why ask it
In some homes dinner together is the main event of the day and skipping it reads as rejection; in others everyone eats separately. Ask directly, because a guest who assumes wrong looks either rude or oddly formal for weeks.
What chores would you like me to do?
Why ask it
Some hosts will never ask a guest to lift a finger and still notice that nothing gets done, so raise it yourself. Ask for named tasks, such as setting the table, the dishes after dinner or taking out the trash, because a general offer to help is easy to wave away. If you are an au pair, ask which jobs belong to the role and which are simply part of living there.
What time does the house usually get up and go to bed?
Why ask it
A family that is quiet by nine and one that sits down to dinner at ten need different things from you. Get both ends of the day, plus when you have to be up on a school or work morning, so you are not the one showering or frying an egg while everyone else is asleep.
Have you hosted anyone before, and what worked well or badly?
Why ask it
Whatever they mention first is what they will be quietly watching for: a guest who never came out of their room, or one who treated the house like a hotel. If you are their first, say that you are all new to this and suggest checking in with each other after a week or two.
What made you decide to host someone?
Why ask it
Families host to give their children a wider world, to fill a quiet house, to practice a language, or for the help or the income. None of those is a bad reason, but each one predicts a different amount of shared time, so listen for which it is.
What would you like to know about my family and where I come from?
Why ask it
Hosting runs both ways, and some families are too polite to quiz a tired new arrival. Have a few photos ready on your phone, of your street, your school and an ordinary dinner at home, since describing a picture is far easier than small talk in a second language.
Is there anything I should bring with me, or anything you would rather I left at home?
Why ask it
One for the first message or video call, before you pack. Hosts can say whether towels and bedding are provided, how cold the house gets in winter and which plug adapter you need, and you can go on to ask what small gift from home they might actually enjoy.
How will I get from the airport or station to your home on the first day?
Why ask it
Settle who is meeting you, where exactly, and what happens if the flight is late, and save a phone number that works without wifi. Arrival day is the one time you will be tired, carrying everything you own and unable to find the house by yourself.
Meals
Can I help myself to food and drinks, or is there anything I should ask about first?
Why ask it
Most kitchens hold things anyone can take and things bought for one person or one meal, and from the outside they look the same. Ask which shelf or cupboard is fair game, and whether snacking between meals is normal in this house.
There are some things I cannot eat or do not eat. What is the easiest way for us to handle that?
Why ask it
Say it before the first grocery run, and say whether it is an allergy, a religious rule or a preference, because a cook treats those differently. Offering to help plan, or to cook your own portion some nights, makes it a shared problem and not an extra job for one person.
What happens for breakfast and lunch on school or work days?
Why ask it
Dinner tends to be organized and the other two meals assumed. Find out whether you make your own breakfast, whether lunch is packed at home or bought, and who pays if it is bought, since your program may have a rule on that last point.
Is it all right to eat or drink in my room?
Why ask it
Plenty of families keep food out of bedrooms because of crumbs, insects or plain habit, and a stack of plates under the bed is a fast way to annoy whoever does the dishes. If the answer is no, ask about water and tea, which may be treated differently.
If I am full or do not like a dish, what is the polite thing to do here?
Why ask it
Table manners travel badly. In one home a clean plate is a compliment, in another it means you are still hungry and more arrives, and in some a refusal has to be said twice before it counts. Asking usually gets a laugh, and it saves you from eating three helpings out of politeness.
Can I cook for myself sometimes, and when is the kitchen free?
Why ask it
Cooking something from home is one of the easiest ways to settle in, and using someone's pans at midnight is one of the quickest ways to annoy them. Ask what to clean, where things go back, and whether there is anything the family does not eat or would rather not have in their kitchen.
Which dishes does your family love, and would you teach me to make one?
Why ask it
Cooking next to someone is easier than making conversation across a sofa, especially while your vocabulary is still small. You also go home with a recipe, a souvenir you will keep using.
Can I add things to the shopping list, and should I pay for anything I ask for?
Why ask it
Staples you eat every day are usually on the family, while a particular brand of cereal or a taste for imported snacks may not be. Knowing where that line sits lets you ask for what you need without wondering whether you are being expensive.
The House
Which parts of the house are mine to use, and are any rooms private?
Why ask it
Beyond your bedroom, ask about the living room in the evening, the desk, a shelf in the bathroom and space in the fridge. A parent's bedroom or a home office is often off limits without anyone saying so, and it is worth learning whether a closed door in this house means do not knock.
When is the best time for me to shower, and how long is too long?
Why ask it
Morning bathroom traffic in a family home is often tightly scheduled, and the newest person fits around it. If a host says ten minutes, take it literally: the hot water tank may be small, or the bill may be large.
How does laundry work here?
Why ask it
Find out which machine, which day, whether you wash your own or add to the family's load, and where things dry. Ask too what never goes in the dryer, and whether there is anything they would rather you washed yourself.
How tidy do you need my room and the bathroom kept, and does anyone clean them?
Why ask it
Your room is your space and also a room in their house, and families draw that line in different places. If someone cleans or changes the sheets, find out which day, so you can clear the floor and are not surprised by an open door.
May I put pictures up or move the furniture in my room?
Why ask it
Photos from home make a borrowed room feel like yours, which helps on the homesick evenings. Check what is safe to use on the walls, because tape marks and nail holes are the kind of damage a host only finds after you have left.
Do shoes come off at the door, and are there other small habits like that I should copy?
Why ask it
Shoes, closed doors, lights switched off behind you, the toilet lid, the way the towels hang: families rarely list these because to them it is simply how a house works. Asking for two or three makes them start noticing the rest and telling you.
Is there anything I should go easy on: hot water, heating, electricity, the internet?
Why ask it
Energy and data cost very different amounts from country to country, and a habit that is free at home can be a real bill here. It is an awkward thing for a host to raise with a guest, so bring it up yourself.
Will I have my own key, and how do you lock up when the house is empty?
Why ask it
Get the whole routine: which locks, any alarm code, the gate, the windows, and what to do if you are locked out while everyone is at work. Being the person who left the back door open is a hard thing to live down in a first month.
Do you have pets, and is there anything I should know about living with them?
Why ask it
Raise an allergy or a fear of dogs before you arrive if you can. After that it is the house rules for the animal: what it must never be fed, which doors and gates stay shut, whether it is allowed on beds, and whether walking it could become one of your jobs.
Where can I study or call home without being in anyone's way?
Why ask it
A time difference can put your own family's free hour at your host's midnight, and a voice carries through a bedroom wall. Agreeing a spot and a latest hour protects those calls, which matter more in a homesick week than hosts may realise.
What in the house works differently from what I might expect?
Why ask it
Stoves, showers, shutters, door locks and recycling rules all change at the border, and nobody thinks to explain their own boiler. Request a five minute tour of everything with a switch, plus how the trash and recycling are sorted and when they go out.
Going Out
What time should I be home on a weeknight, and is the weekend different?
Why ask it
Ask for a time rather than a principle. Hosts of a minor may have obligations from your program, and even where nobody sets a curfew they usually still want to know when to stop waiting up.
How should I let you know if I am going to be late or out for dinner?
Why ask it
Name the method: a message to one person, the family group chat, a call. Ask how much notice they want as well, since a cook who has already started dinner needs more than an hour.
Before I go out, what do you want to know: where, who with, how I am getting back?
Why ask it
Some hosts want a full plan and others only a time, and for a minor the program may decide for them. Offering the details before you are asked tends to earn more freedom later than arguing for it does.
Am I allowed to travel on my own, for a day in another city or a weekend away?
Why ask it
Programs often require permission in advance for overnight trips, sometimes from your own parents as well as your hosts, so check how it works for yours before you book anything. Even an adult guest should say where they will be, since the family is the first place anyone will call.
Can I have friends over, and is anyone allowed to stay the night?
Why ask it
Answers range from anyone anytime to daytime visits only, and the rules for a boyfriend or girlfriend are usually different from the rules for a friend. Asking before the first invitation is much easier than apologizing after it.
What are your rules on smoking, vaping and alcohol?
Why ask it
Ask plainly, and read your program's rules as well, since they may be stricter than both the family's and the local law. Include the garden and the balcony, which is where a guest's assumptions and a host's tend to differ.
What is the safest way to get home at night around here?
Why ask it
Locals know which bus stops running at eleven, which shortcut nobody walks after dark and which taxi company or app is reliable. Find out too whether they would rather be woken for a ride than have you improvise, because plenty of hosts would.
Where do people my age spend time around here, and how would I meet them?
Why ask it
Hosts tend to know which sports club, choir, youth group or language exchange takes newcomers, and an introduction from them beats turning up alone. A guest with a couple of friends of their own is also easier to host, since the family stops being your only company.
Practical
What is already paid for, and what should I be paying for myself?
Why ask it
Program fees cover different things in different arrangements: food, transport, internet, laundry, toiletries, phone. Getting the line clear early avoids both accidentally taking more than intended and paying twice for the same thing.
In a normal week, which hours am I working for you, and which days are completely mine?
Why ask it
One for au pairs and anyone staying in exchange for help. Limits on hours and time off depend on the country and your agency, so check what applies to you, and ask the family to write out their usual week. Ask about evening babysitting by name, since it is easy to leave out of the count.
When and how will my pocket money be paid?
Why ask it
An au pair's question: weekly or monthly, cash or bank transfer, and whether you need a local account first. The amount may be fixed by national rules or by your agency, so ask them what applies where you are. Exchange students should put the same question to their program, since any allowance may come from there and not from the host.
What is the cheapest way to sort out a phone plan and a transport pass here?
Why ask it
Residents know which network has signal at the house, whether there is a student or youth fare and which office issues it. Getting both done in the first week spares you roaming charges and a month of full-price single tickets.
How will I get to school or work, and is anyone driving me?
Why ask it
Establish whether a ride is a favor or a routine, because twenty minutes each way, twice a day, is a lot to ask of a host for months. Ask about the bus route, a bicycle, and what to do on the days nobody can drive.
What should I do in an emergency, and who do I call first?
Why ask it
You want the local emergency number, a phone number for each host, the home address written down, and where the spare key, first aid kit and fuse box are. In a new country the address is the detail people cannot produce under stress.
If I wake up sick, who do I tell, and how does seeing a doctor work here?
Why ask it
Health systems differ on almost everything: whether you book or walk in, whether you pay at the desk, which card or insurance paper to carry. Decide where your documents will be kept and who would come with you, especially if describing symptoms in the local language would be a struggle.
If I break or lose something, what would you like me to do?
Why ask it
Something will get broken, a glass or a key or a bicycle light, and hiding it is what does the damage. Hearing in advance that they just want to be told makes owning up far easier. Your program can tell you whether its insurance covers accidents in the home.
Is it fine for me to be home alone, and what should I do if someone comes to the door?
Why ask it
For a younger student the program may have its own rule on being left alone overnight, so check how it works for you. Either way you want to know whether to answer the door and the house phone, sign for packages, or let in the person who says they have come to read the meter.
Who is your contact at my program or agency, and how often do you hear from them?
Why ask it
It helps to know the family has a line to the program just as you do, and that a call to the coordinator is an ordinary thing in this house. If you came privately, with no program behind you, agree instead who you would both turn to if the arrangement had to change.
Family Life
What do you usually do on weekends, and which parts would you like me to join?
Why ask it
The honest answer might be football practice, a supermarket run and lunch at a grandmother's, and that ordinary routine is where you turn from a guest into part of the house. Hearing which parts are optional also lets you make your own plans without anyone feeling skipped.
What do you like most about living here, and what should I see or try first?
Why ask it
People are generous with this one: a bakery, a walk, a football club, a view from a hill. Take up one suggestion in your first couple of weeks and report back, because acting on what they recommended lands better than any thank-you.
How much time do you hope we will spend together, and when is it fine for me to be in my room?
Why ask it
Hosts who see a closed door every evening tend to read it as unhappiness, when it may only mean you are worn out from a day in another language. Naming a rough balance, dinner and an hour afterwards for instance, keeps your rest from being mistaken for withdrawal.
How do you feel about phones and laptops at the table, or in the evening?
Why ask it
It tells you whether the evening is shared time or free time, which is hard to see from the outside. A host may never ask a guest to put a phone away, so if the answer is hesitant, treat the table as phone free and you will not be wrong.
Would you rather I spoke your language at home, and do you want to correct my mistakes?
Why ask it
Decide it out loud, because polite hosts tend to stop correcting after a day or two and the same errors then follow you around for months. If the family is hoping to practice your language, split it: theirs at dinner and yours on the drive to school, for example.
How do your children feel about having someone new in the house?
Why ask it
A host brother or sister may have given up a room, a bathroom shelf or a share of their parents' attention for you. Knowing whether they are excited, shy or unconvinced tells you how gently to go, and asking the parents what each child likes gives you a way in.
Which rules do the children have that I should follow or back up: bedtime, snacks, screen time?
Why ask it
A guest who hands out candy before dinner or lets a seven year old watch one more episode undoes the parents' work without meaning to. If you will be looking after the children yourself, ask what to do when one refuses, and which decisions are never yours to make.
Which birthdays, holidays or family traditions are coming up while I am here?
Why ask it
Put the dates in your phone straight away. Remembering a host mother's birthday costs a card, and being away with friends on the family's biggest day of the year is the sort of slip that stays remembered. You can also find out what guests usually bring or wear.
Does your family practice a religion, and would you like me to come along?
Why ask it
Joining in is your choice, and so is saying no politely. Going along once as a guest can be a kind gesture if you are comfortable with it, and if you keep your own practice, this is the moment to ask where and when you could.
Are there subjects your family would rather not discuss or joke about?
Why ask it
Politics, money, a divorce, a relative nobody mentions: each household has its own, and humor that is harmless in your language can land badly in theirs. You are not promising to have no opinions, only finding out where to tread carefully while you are still new.
If something I do bothers you, how would you rather tell me?
Why ask it
This gives the family permission to correct you, which a host may be reluctant to do with a guest. A small irritation named in the first month is a two minute conversation; the same one left unsaid until spring is much harder to fix.
If something is not working for me, which of you should I come to, and when is a good moment?
Why ask it
One parent is usually the easier one to approach, and families generally know which. Fixing a time in advance, a walk or the drive to school, means a cold room or a locked bathroom gets mentioned in week two and not stored up until it sounds like a complaint.
Is there anything about your family or the neighborhood I should know that I would not think to ask?
Why ask it
Left open at the end, this is where the specifics arrive: a relative who is unwell, a dog that gets out, a neighbor who complains, a street to avoid at night. Ask it again after a month, when you know enough to understand the answers.
Settling Into a Host Family's Home
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
The First Week
Split the list between the first call and the first night
A handful of these belong before you travel: what to bring, who is meeting you, pets, anything you cannot eat, and for an au pair the hours, days off and pocket money. The Start Here group suits the first evening, when everyone expects questions. The rest can wait for the moment they come up: laundry on laundry day, curfew before your first night out, the doctor before you need one.
Ask in the first days, not the third week
In the first days, questions read as respect. Three weeks in, the same question suggests you have been getting it wrong the whole time. Pick a calm moment, say plainly that you would rather ask than guess, and go through several at once.
Write the answers down
Trash day, laundry day, the wifi password, curfew, who drives when, the emergency numbers, the home address. You will be told all of it in one conversation and will not hold on to all of it. A note in your phone spares everyone the repeat.
Watch what the family actually does
Shoes at the door, dishes left to drain or dried immediately, doors open or closed, how loudly people talk in the evening. Most household rules are never spoken because nobody in the family knows they are rules. Copying is faster than asking about every one.
Things That Make a Guest Easy to Live With
- Take one visible job and do it without being reminded, such as clearing the table or taking out the trash.
- Say when you will be back, and send a message if that changes.
- Come out of your room in the evening at least some of the time, even when you are tired.
- Replace what you finish, and say so if you break something.
- Learn the names of the extended family and the pets.
- Cook something from home for the family once you know your way around the kitchen.
- Say thank you for specific things rather than in general.
When Something Is Not Working
Raise small things while they are still small
Not enough hot water, a room that is too cold, feeling hungry between meals, a sibling coming into your room. Hosts can usually fix these the same day once they know. Left for two months, the same items can become the reason a placement ends badly.
Use your coordinator for anything you cannot say directly
If a program or agency arranged your stay, it should have given you a local contact, and this is what they are for. Involving them early is normal and not an escalation, and there is a fair chance they have heard the same problem before. If you came privately, pick the adult you would call instead, a teacher, a relative or a parent at home, before you need them.
Know which concerns are not negotiable
Not being given enough food, being asked to work hours far beyond your agreement, being charged for what your program already covers, or anything that makes you feel unsafe. Report these to your program or agency, or to your school or your own family if you have neither, and do not try to settle them inside the house. If you are ever in immediate danger, call the local emergency number first.