Questions to Ask in Premarital Counseling
Questions to ask in premarital counseling, for an engaged couple about to sit down with a pastor, priest or therapist, and for the counselor leading the sessions. The list follows the order the sessions tend to take: what to ask the counselor about how it runs and what stays private, what the counselor will ask you, what to ask each other about money and roles, family and faith, conflict and intimacy, and what to settle in the last session.
The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
For the counselor
How many sessions will we have, and what does each one cover?
Why ask it
A good answer is a rough map: a first meeting to get to know you, a subject or two per session, then a wrap-up. If you hear 'we'll see where it goes', ask which subjects are sure to come up, so that money or family doesn't get squeezed into the last ten minutes.
Does what we say in here stay private, and who else could hear about it?
Why ask it
The rules for a licensed therapist and for a pastor or priest are not the same, and they change from place to place, so ask how it works here. In a church, ask plainly whether anything reaches other staff, elders or a prayer list. A clear answer with its exceptions named is the good sign.
Do you ever meet with one of us alone, and what happens to something said in that meeting?
Why ask it
Some counselors hold nothing back from the other partner and some will keep a confidence. Either can work if you both know which it is before anyone is alone in the room. A shrug is the worrying answer, because a secret held by the person preparing you for marriage puts all three of you in a bad spot.
Do you use a questionnaire or inventory, and will we both see the results?
Why ask it
Many counselors have each of you mark a long set of statements separately, then build the sessions around where your answers differ. Prepare/Enrich and FOCCUS are two of the names you might be handed. Ask whether you get the full report or a summary, and fill it in alone: matching answers agreed in the car tell the counselor nothing.
What do you believe about marriage, and what if we see part of it differently?
Why ask it
Fair to ask a therapist and necessary with clergy, whose tradition may hold set views on roles, divorce, contraception or living together before the wedding. The answer you want says where they stand and that you may disagree out loud. If you are of two faiths, or one of you does not believe, say so in this first meeting.
Is this counseling required for you to marry us, and what has to be finished by when?
Why ask it
Churches, officiants and local marriage rules each set their own conditions: a number of meetings, a class, a certificate, a deadline before the date. Ask for the whole list now and count back from the wedding. Finding out in the last month that two sessions remain is an avoidable scramble.
How long have you been preparing couples for marriage, and what training do you have for it?
Why ask it
Clergy, mentor couples and licensed therapists come to this work by different routes, and none of them should mind being asked. Listen for what they have actually done with engaged couples and for a plain account of what they are not trained to handle. A title on its own tells you neither.
Have you ever advised a couple to slow down or postpone, and what led to it?
Why ask it
You are finding out whether this is a real conversation or a formality. A counselor who can describe when they have said 'wait', without naming anyone, will be honest with you too. If everyone passes, the sessions are what you make of them, so bring the hard subjects yourselves.
Is there homework between sessions, and do we do it together or apart?
Why ask it
Expect reading, a workbook, a budget to draft or a conversation to have at home. Do the separate parts separately. Turning up having already disagreed a little over the homework gives the next session something real to work on.
What does this cost, and is there anything else we are expected to pay for or attend?
Why ask it
A pastor may charge nothing, a therapist usually charges by the session, and either may add a fee for an inventory, a workbook or a weekend class. Some places lower the marriage license fee for couples who complete an approved course. Whether yours does, and what proof it wants, is a question for the office that issues licenses where you live.
If something comes up that needs more than these sessions, where would you send us?
Why ask it
Premarital counseling is short and built for preparation, not for repairing something serious. A counselor who knows the edge of their training has names ready: a couples therapist, a financial counselor, a doctor. Being told that anything at all can be handled in this room deserves a second question.
The counselor asks
How did you two meet, and when did each of you know this was the person?
Why ask it
Nearly every first session opens here, and it is not small talk. The counselor is watching how you tell a story together: who corrects whom, who lights up, whether the two versions match. Counselors, let it run long. The interruptions are the material.
What does each of you hope to get out of these sessions?
Why ask it
It is asked to find the gap. One of you may want a box ticked for the church while the other is hoping for help with something real, and both are fine to say. Counselors: write the answers down and read them back in the last session.
Why do you want to get married, and why now?
Why ask it
'Because we love each other' is a start, and the counselor will ask what marriage adds to that. Listen closely to your partner, since this may be the first time you hear their reasons in full. A date set by a lease, a pregnancy, a visa or a parent's wishes is not a bad reason, but it should be said aloud.
What do you admire most in each other? Tell them, not me.
Why ask it
Counselors often turn the chairs for this one. It puts a warm floor under the harder sessions and shows whether each of you can take a compliment as well as give one. When your partner's answer surprises you, tell them so.
Whose marriage do you look at and think, I want ours to be like that?
Why ask it
An easier door into family history than starting with your parents. What matters is what you each admire, whether calm, laughter, shared faith or independence, and whether you are describing the same kind of marriage. If no couple comes to mind, say that: it explains why you may feel you are building without a pattern.
What is the one subject the two of you have been avoiding?
Why ask it
Most couples have one and both know what it is: a debt, a parent, an earlier relationship, a difference over children. Naming it in the first or second session leaves the counselor time to come back to it. Counselors, if both say 'nothing', ask what the last tense car ride was about.
What do your families and closest friends think about this marriage?
Why ask it
Hesitation from people who know you well is worth looking at, which is not the same as obeying it. A strong answer repeats a doubt fairly and says what you make of it. 'Nobody has any concerns' from a couple whose families are distant or shut out is where a counselor gently asks more.
Has either of you been married or engaged before, and what did you take from how it ended?
Why ask it
Expect this even if the counselor already knows the history. A previous marriage can bring children, a former spouse and money still tied up, and some churches have a formal process for it, so ask what applies in yours. The reassuring answer includes the speaker's own part in the ending.
Describe your last real disagreement. What happened, and how did it end?
Why ask it
The counselor wants the play-by-play more than the topic: who raised it, who went quiet, who came back first and what making up looked like. Couples who cannot recall a disagreement should not take that as a clean bill of health. One of you may be doing all the giving way.
Is there anything in this relationship that frightens you, or that you could not say in front of your partner?
Why ask it
A careful counselor asks some form of this, often with each of you alone. It covers fear, control, heavy drinking or drug use, and anything else that changes what kind of help is needed. If your honest answer is yes, tell the counselor privately and ask who is qualified to help, because premarital sessions are not designed for it.
Money and roles
Can we put every number on the table here: income, savings, debt, and anything owed to or by family?
Why ask it
Doing it in front of a third person stops the rounding down. Bring a written page each. The size of a debt matters less than one that appears here for the first time, and the counselor can help you talk about why it was hard to say.
Will our money go into one account, separate accounts or some of each, and how much can either of us spend without asking?
Why ask it
Any of the three can work. The spending figure is the useful part, so write yours down before your partner says theirs. Fifty dollars from one of you and five hundred from the other is not a gap in arithmetic. It shows how much checking in each of you expects from a spouse.
Which of us is the saver and which is the spender, and what does each of us think the other gets wrong?
Why ask it
Most couples answer the first half in a second and laugh. The second half is the session. An answer that describes a fear, such as running out or missing out, gives the counselor something to work with. 'You're just irresponsible' does not.
What would our monthly budget look like, and who would actually run it?
Why ask it
Some counselors set this as homework: one page, real figures, done together. Whoever pays the bills holds a lot of quiet power, so decide how the other one stays informed. If you cannot finish the page without a fight, bring the unfinished page.
Do either of us want a prenuptial agreement, and what would asking for one mean to the other?
Why ask it
The feeling belongs in counseling and the document belongs with a lawyer who practices where you live, so keep to the first here. A partner who can hear the question without treating it as a forecast of divorce is a good sign. So is one who can explain why it stings.
When a move, a baby or a sick parent means one job has to give, whose have we each assumed it would be?
Why ask it
'Assumed' is the working word. Each of you answers for yourself before hearing the other. Matching assumptions are a relief, and mismatched ones found now, with someone to referee, are exactly what the sessions exist for.
What did 'husband' and 'wife' mean in the homes we grew up in, and which parts do we want to keep?
Why ask it
Roles are where a faith tradition, a culture and two childhoods all have opinions. In a church setting the counselor may teach a particular view. Ask what it looks like on a weeknight and whether you both actually hold it, because polite nodding here turns into resentment over the dishes later.
If we listed every household job, who does each one now, and who is tired of theirs?
Why ask it
Write the list in the session if there is a whiteboard. Include the invisible jobs: remembering birthdays, booking appointments, noticing the milk has run out. A partner who is surprised by the length of the other column and offers to take something off it has given the best answer available.
Family and faith
How involved will our parents be, and what will we do the first time one of them oversteps?
Why ask it
Pick a likely case: opinions on the wedding, money with strings attached, a key to your home. Listen for each of you offering to handle your own parent. 'You'll get used to her' tells your partner they will be dealing with it alone.
Where do we spend the first round of holidays, and who tells the family that is disappointed?
Why ask it
Small, concrete and often the first married argument, which is why counselors like it. Settle year one in the room. Then agree that the news travels from child to parent and never from the new in-law.
How close to each of our families do we want to live, and how fixed is that for each of us?
Why ask it
One of you may be counting on Sunday lunch at a parent's house for life while the other pictures a job in another city. Give the distance in hours of travel, which is harder to fudge than 'not too far'. If either answer is 'I could never leave', the counselor will want to know whether your partner is hearing that for the first time.
Do we both want children, and what would each of us do if the other's answer changed?
Why ask it
Say your own answer, with a rough timeline, before your partner speaks. A counselor will slow down at 'I'm sure I'll come round' or 'they'll change their mind'. Marrying on the hope that the other person shifts on this is the thing these sessions are meant to catch.
What from the way you were raised would you repeat with our children, and what would you never do?
Why ask it
Take it one subject at a time: discipline, screens, school, how affection was shown. The 'never' half usually arrives with a story, so give it room. Where there are already children from an earlier relationship, change the question to who disciplines them and what they will call the new spouse.
What part will faith play in our home week to week, and are we at the same place with it?
Why ask it
Belonging to the same tradition is not the same as practicing it alike. Talk about attendance, prayer, giving, and the Sunday when one of you would sooner sleep. With a pastor listening there is a pull to sound more devout than you are. Resist it, since the honest version is the one you will live with.
If we come from different faiths, or one of us has none, what happens at the wedding and with children?
Why ask it
Put it to the counselor first, because what a tradition asks of a mixed couple, about the ceremony, about promises, about raising children, differs from one community to the next. Then ask each other which of those you can agree to with a clear conscience. A yes given only to keep the date is a promise one of you may not be able to keep, so say it now if that is where you are.
Conflict and intimacy
What do I do in an argument that makes it harder for you to stay in it?
Why ask it
Ask it and then only listen. The counselor will stop you if you start defending yourself. Raised voices, sarcasm, walking out, going silent, bringing up last year: hearing your own item with a referee present is far easier than hearing it mid-fight.
When one of us needs a break in an argument, how do we call it, and when do we come back?
Why ask it
Many counselors teach some form of a time-out, and the half that matters is the return. Agree on the words and a time limit before you leave the session. A pause with no promised return feels like being walked out on to the person left standing in the kitchen.
How does each of us apologize, and what makes an apology feel real to you?
Why ask it
Some people need the words, some need to see a change, some need an hour first. Ask for an example of an apology that landed. If either of you cannot recall ever apologizing to the other, the counselor will want to stay here a while.
What does each of us believe about divorce, and what would we try before it ever came to that?
Why ask it
It feels like bad luck to raise while engaged, which is the reason to ask it with a counselor present. Two people can both mean 'for life' and still differ on what would end a marriage and on whether they would go back for help. With clergy, ask what your tradition teaches, and say so if either of you sees it differently.
What from our pasts could still affect us, including anything we have not fully told each other?
Why ask it
The counselor's room is a reasonable place for a first telling, and you can ask for help with how to say it. Detail matters less than there being no surprises after the wedding. If something feels too heavy for a joint session, tell the counselor so and ask how they would handle it.
What do I do that makes you feel most loved, and what am I doing that misses?
Why ask it
It is easy to give the kind of affection you would like to get: one of you fills the gas tank while the other wanted to be asked about their day. Guess your partner's answer before they give it and see how close you came. A miss found now costs one slightly awkward minute in the counselor's office.
What are we each expecting from our physical relationship once we are married?
Why ask it
Most couples find this easier with a counselor steering than alone, and clergy and therapists both expect the subject to come up. Keep it to expectations: affection, closeness, how to say 'not tonight' without it stinging. If you are waiting until marriage, say what you are nervous about.
How will we raise it when something about intimacy is not working, and who would we ask for help?
Why ask it
The useful agreement is that the subject stays open after the wedding. Settle on a low-pressure way to bring it up, and agree that a doctor or a specialist counselor is an ordinary next step. 'We would never need that' closes a door you may want later.
Which friendships, habits and time to ourselves do we each expect to keep after the wedding?
Why ask it
Be concrete: the weekly game, the group chat, the solo trip, the friend the other one does not much like. Each of you says what stays and what you would give up. The thing to catch is one of you expecting marriage to shrink the other's social life without ever having said so.
Where is the line with other people for each of us: messages, exes, work friendships, what we look at online?
Why ask it
Couples agree on the obvious cases and differ at the edges, so use real ones. A sound answer is specific and binds both of you equally. A rule one partner sets for the other and not for themselves is something for the counselor to pick up.
How do we each handle stress, low moods or anger, and what should the other do when it shows up?
Why ask it
This takes in anything being treated now or in the past, drinking, and how each of you gets through a bad week. Think of it as handing your partner instructions, not making a confession. If something here is bigger than a rough patch, ask the counselor who is qualified to help with it.
Last session
What did we learn in these sessions that we did not know when we started?
Why ask it
Answer separately. A good course of sessions leaves each of you with at least one real item: a number, a fear, a family rule. If you both say 'nothing new', ask yourselves whether you held back, and whether one more session is worth booking.
What is still unsettled between us, and what is our plan for it?
Why ask it
No couple finishes with everything agreed. Write the open items down with a date to return to each one. An unsettled matter with a plan is ordinary. The one to raise with the counselor is where either of you is quietly waiting for the other to give in after the wedding.
Do you have any concerns about us that you have not said yet?
Why ask it
This one goes to the counselor. Most will have been saying it as they went, but a direct invitation gets you the candid version. Take notes, do not argue the point in the room, and talk it over at home that night.
Does either of us have a doubt that keeps coming back, and can we say it here?
Why ask it
Nerves are ordinary. One specific doubt that will not go away is something else, and this room is a safe place to tell the two apart. Saying it does not cancel a wedding, and a partner who can hear it without panic or anger has shown you something about the marriage ahead.
Can we come back after the wedding, and when would you suggest?
Why ask it
Some counselors book a check-in a few months or a year in, when the questions have stopped being hypothetical. If yours does not offer one, ask who you would call. Having the name before you need it makes that call much easier to make.
What regular check-in could we keep once the sessions end?
Why ask it
A weekly half hour, a monthly money night, a walk after church. Ask the counselor for three or four opening questions and pick the day before you leave. Short and on the calendar beats long and occasional.
How to get the most from premarital counseling
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before the first session
Open with the counselor's questions
The first group is for the person across the desk: how many meetings, what stays private, whether there is an inventory, what the church or officiant requires and by when. Get those answered in the first session or on the phone beforehand. Everything you say afterward is easier once you know who could hear it.
Pastor, priest or therapist
Clergy usually prepare couples within their tradition's teaching on marriage and often at no charge. A therapist is usually paid by the session and works from the couple's own goals. Neither is the better choice in general. What a given counselor covers, what it costs and how confidentiality works are things to ask that counselor, because they differ by tradition, by profession and by place.
Each pick three
Read the list separately and mark the three questions you most want raised, including one you would not bring up at home. Compare lists before you go. If the same question is on both, it goes first. If one of you marked a question the other hoped to skip, that is the one the counselor should hear about.
Fill in inventories alone
If you are given a questionnaire, answer it without conferring and without guessing what your partner will put. The report is only useful where it shows a real difference, and a difference found on paper in month three of an engagement is a much smaller thing than the same difference found in year three of a marriage.
In the room
Answer for yourself first
On children, money, faith and roles, say your own answer before you hear your partner's. Couples who are keen to agree tend to echo whoever speaks first. Some counselors have you each write a line and then read them out, and you can ask for that.
Talk to each other
It is tempting to explain your partner to the counselor while they sit beside you. Turn your chair and say it to them. The counselor is there to slow things down, point out what they notice and stop either of you taking over.
When an answer worries you
Say so in the session and not in the parking lot. 'That is different from what I expected, can we stay on it' is enough. A worrying answer is rarely the end of anything. It is usually the first honest version of a subject you had only discussed politely.
One heavy subject per meeting
Money and in-laws in the same hour is too much for most couples. If the counselor has not set an order, suggest one that follows the groups here: money and roles, then family and faith, then conflict and intimacy, with the last meeting kept for what is still open.
If you are leading the sessions
State the privacy rules before you are asked
Tell the couple in the first five minutes who else hears what is said, whether you will meet either of them alone, and what you would do with something told to you in private. Couples hold back until they know, and many will not ask.
Let the quieter one go first
In most couples one partner answers faster. Direct the harder questions to the slower one by name and wait through the pause. The questions under 'The counselor asks' are written to be put to both, one at a time.
Ask for scenes, not positions
'We agree about money' tells you little. 'Walk me through the last purchase one of you was annoyed by' tells you a lot. The same move works for family, faith and arguments: ask for last Sunday, last Christmas, the last disagreement.
Know where your part ends
If a session turns up fear of a partner, an addiction, or distress beyond ordinary pre-wedding nerves, that is outside what a few preparation meetings can hold. Have referral names ready before you begin with any couple, and say plainly when you are making one.
After the last session
Keep a short list of what is open
Write down the two or three subjects you did not settle and put a date beside each. Keep the page somewhere you will both see it after the wedding, when the planning is over and there is time to return to them.
Use the list again at home
The groups on money, family, faith and conflict work without a counselor present. Take one group an evening, answer for yourselves first as you did in the sessions, and stop when either of you is tired. A question that goes badly at home is a good reason to ask for one more meeting.
If the doubts are still there
Tell your partner and the counselor before the invitations decide it for you. Postponing is a hard conversation, and it is one a counselor has had with couples before. Ask for a further session and say exactly what the doubt is about.