Questions to Ask Someone Who Does Jiu-Jitsu
For the friend, date, relative or student reporter talking with someone who trains Brazilian jiu-jitsu, and for anyone thinking about a first class of their own. The 54 questions run in the order the conversation usually does: Starting out, Belts, On the mat, The gym, Competing and Off the mat. You do not need the vocabulary first; rolling, guard and tapping are explained in plain words where they come up.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Starting out
What made you walk into a jiu-jitsu gym the first time?
Why ask it
Self-defense, a friend who would not stop talking about it, watching mixed martial arts and wanting exercise that is not a treadmill are the usual four. Ask whether that is still the reason they go, because for a lot of people it stopped being the reason once they were hooked.
How long have you been training, and how many days a week do you go?
Why ask it
Two numbers that tell you how much of their life this takes up. Twice a week and six times a week are quite different versions of the sport, so let the answer decide how far into the detail your next questions go.
How would you explain jiu-jitsu to someone who has never watched it?
Why ask it
The right opener for a student interviewer or a date who knows nothing about grappling. Notice the comparison they reach for, whether chess, wrestling or a very aggressive hug, since it shows which part of the sport they enjoy.
What do you remember about your very first class?
Why ask it
Expect a story about being worn out in a few minutes and handled easily by somebody smaller. Ask who that somebody was and whether the two of them still train together.
What is it about jiu-jitsu that keeps you going back?
Why ask it
Fitness is rarely the answer. Listen for the puzzle (a problem they have been stuck on for weeks), the people, or the hour when nothing else fits in their head, and build your next question on whichever one they name.
Had you done another martial art or sport before, and did it carry over?
Why ask it
Former wrestlers and judo players tend to arrive comfortable with takedowns and balance, and everyone else starts from the floor up. The better follow-up is which old habit they had to unlearn.
What surprised you most in your first few months?
Why ask it
You will often hear how friendly people were seconds after choking them, or how little their strength counted. Ask for the night something finally worked, which most people can date almost to the week.
Was there a point early on when you nearly stopped going?
Why ask it
People who train will tell you that plenty of the faces from their first month are gone by the end of the year. What kept this person there is usually one training partner or one small win, and that detail is the answer worth having.
What would you tell someone who is nervous about trying a first class?
Why ask it
If you are the nervous someone, this is the question you came for. Get the practical parts as well: what to wear, whether a newcomer spars on day one, and whether their gym offers a trial class, because every gym sets that up its own way.
Belts
What belt are you, and how long did it take to get there?
Why ask it
Adult belts in Brazilian jiu-jitsu go white, blue, purple, brown and black, and many schools add stripes to mark progress in between. How long each one takes differs from school to school, so ask for their timeline instead of guessing at it.
How does your coach decide someone is ready for the next belt?
Why ask it
No single rule exists. Some coaches run a formal test, some hand over a belt without warning when class ends, and some want to see tournament results first. How the person describes the system tells you how much they trust the one making the call.
What was the day you got promoted like?
Why ask it
Pride mixed with a suspicion that the coach made a mistake is a very common report. Who tied the new belt on, and whether anyone got a photo, are the details that bring the day back.
Which belt has been the hardest stretch so far?
Why ask it
A long flat patch in the middle gets named more often than the beginning. If they say 'blue belt blues,' that is the sport's phrase for motivation dropping after the first promotion, and you can ask what theirs looked like.
How long do people at your gym usually take to reach black belt?
Why ask it
Around a decade is the figure people tend to quote, but it moves with the school and with how often someone trains. Keeping the question to their gym gets you a real answer instead of a general debate.
Is a black belt the goal for you, or are you after something else?
Why ask it
Some people train for rank, some for medals and some for the three evenings a week when nobody can reach them by phone. If it is rank, stay with the belt questions; if it is medals, skip ahead to Competing; if it is the evenings, find out what they are like when they get home.
What can you do now that you could not do a belt ago?
Why ask it
A named skill is easier to give than an answer to 'how good are you?' It is very often an escape, or the ability to stay relaxed underneath someone heavy, and neither sounds like boasting.
Does the color of your belt change how people roll with you?
Why ask it
Newly promoted people often say they feel like a target, since everyone a rank below wants to test them. This is a light one that nearly always produces a specific story about a specific Tuesday.
On the mat
Do you prefer gi or no-gi, and why?
Why ask it
The gi is the jacket and pants, which both people can grip, so the pace slows and collar chokes come into play. No-gi is shorts and a rash guard, quicker and more slippery. Most people who train have a firm side and enjoy arguing for it.
What does a round of rolling actually feel like?
Why ask it
Rolling is live sparring against a partner who is resisting, normally in timed rounds. How long a round runs and how many they do in a night differ by gym, so get their numbers, then find out what is left in their head by the last one.
How do you decide when to tap?
Why ask it
A tap, on the partner, on the mat or said out loud, ends a hold at once so nothing gets hurt. Whether they tap early or wait until the last second says a good deal about their ego, and many will tell you it changed as they got older.
Do you remember the first time you made someone tap?
Why ask it
A happy memory, and they will name the exact submission. Ask whether the other person let them have it; the honest ones admit it with a grin.
What is your go-to submission or position?
Why ask it
You do not need to know what a triangle or a kimura is. Ask them to shape it with their hands, and ask why that one suits them, since favorites tend to follow build: long legs, a strong grip, a heavy top game.
Are you happier on top, or working from your back?
Why ask it
Playing guard means fighting from your back with your legs between you and the other person, which outsiders rarely expect to be a strong place. If the word is new to you, say so. Explaining guard is something nearly everyone who trains likes doing.
Which position do you most hate being stuck in?
Why ask it
The answer will be a named spot, such as the bottom of side control or having someone on their back, and you do not need to picture it. Follow what they are doing to get out of it lately, because that is how they go about fixing any weakness.
What is it like rolling with someone much bigger or much smaller than you?
Why ask it
The sport's promise is that technique can beat size, and here they tell you how far that holds. The candid version usually includes an admission that weight counts for more than the posters suggest.
How do you stay calm when someone is on top of you and you cannot move?
Why ask it
People who train describe breathing slowly under someone's weight as a skill in its own right, and a slow one to learn. See whether it has turned up anywhere else for them, like a dentist's chair or a tense meeting.
What do you do when a training partner goes too hard?
Why ask it
Every gym seems to have one person who treats a Wednesday round as a world final. Some people say something, some quietly stop pairing up with them and some have a word with the coach, and whichever this person does is probably how they handle friction at work too.
What injuries have you picked up, and how did they happen?
Why ask it
Jammed fingers and sore knees are easy to talk about; a surgery may not be, so let them set the depth. Listen and leave the remedies out. Anyone who trains has heard plenty of suggestions already.
Do you worry about cauliflower ear?
Why ask it
That is the thickened ear some grapplers end up with after a lot of friction and knocks. Some treat it as a badge and some wear ear guards to avoid it. Skip the question if they clearly have it and you do not know them well.
The gym
How did you end up at the gym you train at?
Why ask it
It is often less deliberate than you would guess: the nearest one, or the one a friend already went to. If you are looking for a place yourself, add this: what would they check first if they were choosing again?
What is your coach like, and do they still roll with the students?
Why ask it
Vague praise is the default, so ask for one sentence the coach said that changed how they train. Whether the coach still gets on the mat with beginners is a detail people are oddly proud of.
Who is your favorite person to roll with, and what makes them good to train with?
Why ask it
It is rarely the best person in the room. The usual pick is someone who pushes hard without hurting anyone, and the description doubles as a portrait of what this person values in other people.
What does a normal class look like from the warm-up to the last round?
Why ask it
Warm-up, a technique drilled in pairs, then live rounds is a common order, though the proportions change from gym to gym. This is the picture a curious beginner needs before deciding whether to visit.
What are the unwritten rules on your mats?
Why ask it
A washed gi, short nails and no shoes on the mat turn up nearly everywhere. Past that, customs differ, down to who is allowed to ask whom for a round, which is the reason to ask about their room in particular.
What kinds of people train at your gym?
Why ask it
Outsiders picture a room of twenty-year-old fighters. Get ages and day jobs, because the real list tends to run to accountants, nurses and somebody's dad, and a worried relative usually relaxes on hearing it.
What is it like being friends with people you spend the evening trying to choke?
Why ask it
The joke gets a laugh and then a real answer about trust. People often say they knew a partner's temper and patience months before they learned what that partner did for a living.
What does training cost you in a month, once you add everything up?
Why ask it
Membership, gis, tape and tournament entry fees all count. Prices swing so widely by city and by school that theirs is the only figure worth having, and you should skip it with someone you have only just met.
Competing
Have you competed, and what was your first tournament like?
Why ask it
If the answer is no, ask whether they want to; a great many people train for years without entering anything. If it is yes, the first one is the story, complete with nerves and a game plan that vanished in the opening ten seconds.
How do the divisions work, and who do you end up matched against?
Why ask it
Tournaments commonly sort people by belt, weight, age and gender, but each organizer writes its own divisions and rules. Have them describe the events they enter, which matters if you are writing up a result and need to say what a medal meant.
What does the week before a tournament look like for you?
Why ask it
Some people ease off training, some watch the scale because their division has a weight limit, and plenty admit to sleeping badly. How much planning is in the answer tells you whether competing is a hobby inside the hobby or the whole point.
What is it like standing by the mat waiting for your name to be called?
Why ask it
Many competitors describe the wait as worse than the match. What they do with their hands and their head in those minutes is the detail to get, along with whether the nerves go once the referee starts it.
How is a tournament match different from a hard round at the gym?
Why ask it
A stranger, a referee, a scoreboard and one chance. Competitors regularly say a match of a few minutes drained them more than a full evening of training, and it is worth asking why they think that is.
Which match do you still think about?
Why ask it
It is usually a loss, and often a narrow one decided on points. The useful follow-up is what they went back and drilled the next week, since that is how most people in the sport measure whether a loss was worth it.
Who comes to watch you, and what do they make of it?
Why ask it
Parents and partners often find it harder to watch than the competitor finds it to do. If you are the one in the stands, ask what they want from you on the day: silence, filming, or just the snacks.
Off the mat
What has jiu-jitsu changed about you away from the gym?
Why ask it
'Confidence' is the stock answer and is not much use on its own. Ask for one moment outside training when they noticed the difference, such as an argument they stayed level in or a bad week they handled better than they once would have.
What has getting beaten on a regular basis taught you?
Why ask it
Training means losing in small ways every single class, including to people newer and lighter. Ask whether that has made failing at other things easier to take, which is the claim people in the sport most often make for it.
Has training changed how safe you feel walking around?
Why ask it
This is the grown-up version of 'could you beat someone up?', which you should never ask. Thoughtful people tend to say it made them more willing to walk away from trouble, and you can ask why.
Have you ever had to use it outside the gym?
Why ask it
Most say no and are glad of it. If there is a story, it may be a frightening one, so let them tell as much as they want and do not dig for the rest.
What do the people you live with make of how much you train?
Why ask it
Evenings gone, gis drying over every door and the occasional unexplained bruise are the household side of the sport. For someone you are dating, the answer is also a preview of how their week is laid out.
What do people get wrong when they hear you do jiu-jitsu?
Why ask it
Karate chop gestures and requests to be put in a headlock lead the list. Let them complain for a minute, because you come away knowing exactly what not to say.
Do you watch jiu-jitsu or mixed martial arts, and who do you like watching?
Why ask it
Some people who train follow professional grappling closely and some never watch a match. If they name someone you have not heard of, ask what that person does that they try to copy, and you will hear how they see their own game.
Who would you recommend jiu-jitsu to, and who would you tell to try something else?
Why ask it
The second half is what keeps the answer honest. A parent asking on behalf of a child gets more out of this than out of 'is it safe?', though whether one particular gym suits one particular person is something to raise with the coach there.
Do you see yourself still training in twenty years?
Why ask it
Listen for whether the plan ends at a black belt or runs until the body objects. People who expect to be rolling gently at sixty usually already train differently from people chasing medals now, and they can tell you how.
Would you show me one move, slowly?
Why ask it
Most people who train will say yes before you finish the sentence, and it is a good way to end. Ask for something gentle, such as how to break a wrist grip, and leave chokes and joint locks for a gym with a coach in the room.
How to talk to someone about their jiu-jitsu
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you ask anything
Six words cover most of it
Gi is the jacket and pants uniform, and no-gi is training without it. Rolling is live sparring. Tapping is the signal to stop. Guard is fighting from your back with your legs in the way, and a submission is a choke or joint lock that makes the other person tap. Knowing those six saves the person from translating every other sentence.
Check which jiu-jitsu they mean
Most people who say they 'do jiu-jitsu' mean the Brazilian kind, which is mostly grappling on the ground. In some places the word, often spelled ju-jitsu or jujutsu, is more likely to mean the older Japanese art, which has its own belts and customs. If you are not sure, ask in the first minute, since the questions here about gi, no-gi and rolling assume the Brazilian one.
Pick your groups by who you are
A date or a new friend gets the most from Starting out and Off the mat. A relative who worries should spend time in On the mat and The gym, where the answers are usually reassuring. A student interviewer needs Belts and Competing for the facts. Someone thinking of trying a class should lean on Starting out and The gym.
Admit what you do not know
Pretending to follow a description of a sweep from half guard gets you a shorter, flatter conversation. 'I have no idea what that is, show me' gets you ten good minutes, because teaching the basics to an interested outsider is one of the pleasures of the hobby.
Keeping the conversation going
Ask for the hands
Grappling is hard to put into words and easy to mime. When a position or a grip comes up, ask them to show it in the air or on their own forearm. The explanation gets clearer and the person gets more animated, which is half of what you are after.
Follow the names
The moment they mention a coach or a training partner by name, stay there for a question or two. What did that person fix, or say, or do on a bad night? Nobody learns jiu-jitsu alone, so the people are where the stories are kept.
Treat the belt as a calendar
Asked as a ranking, the belt question makes white belts apologize and higher belts go modest. Asked as a timeline, how long each one took and what was happening in their life during it, the same question opens up years of material.
For a school paper or a club profile
Get the spelling of the gym and the coach, the belt and the date of the last promotion, and how many years they have trained. For a tournament result, have them tell you the division by belt, weight and age so the reader knows what was won. Read any quote back before you leave.
What to leave alone
The beat-me-up question
'So could you take me?' is what they hear at every party, and no answer to it is comfortable. The self-defense questions in Off the mat get at the same curiosity without asking them to size you up.
Demonstrations of chokes
Do not ask to be choked or arm-locked in a kitchen, and do not agree if an eager beginner offers. Those techniques are practiced on mats, with a partner who knows when to tap and a coach nearby. A grip break or a way of standing up is plenty for a living room.
Advice about their injuries
Ask how the knee happened and how training changed afterward, then stop. Whether they should rest, tape it or see someone is for them and whoever treats them, and an outsider's opinion on it tends to end the topic.
Comparing gyms and belts
Telling someone that a cousin got a blue belt in half the time, or that another school in town is the serious one, lands badly. Promotion standards and loyalties differ from gym to gym, and people are attached to the room they came up in. Ask how it works at theirs and leave the comparison out.
If you are thinking of trying it yourself
Use them as your scout
Someone who already trains can tell you what a first night at their gym involves: whether newcomers get their own class, whether you roll on day one, and whether a uniform can be borrowed. Those answers belong to that gym only, so put the same questions to any other school you visit.
Ask about money and contracts at the front desk
Your friend can tell you what they pay, but trial classes, sign-up fees, contract lengths and cancellation terms are set by each gym and change. Have the gym spell them out before you sign, and take the paperwork home if you want time with it.
Ask to tag along
The most useful follow-up on this whole page is 'can I come with you one night?' Walking in beside a regular removes most of what makes a first class daunting, and most people who train are delighted to be asked.