Questions to Ask Ur Dad
Questions for a real conversation with your dad, from his first job and what he was like at your age to what he would do differently as a parent and what he has never got around to saying.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What were you like at my age?
Why ask it
Most dads answer this by describing someone quite different from the person you know, which is the point. It also quietly tells you which of your current worries he has already lived through.
What was your first job, and what did it pay?
Why ask it
The specific number usually comes with a story about rent, gas, or a boss he still resents. Concrete detail like this is easier to give than a general reflection, so it warms up the conversation fast.
What did you spend your first real paycheck on?
Why ask it
The answer is often something impractical he still remembers fondly, and it makes him a young man rather than a parent for a minute. If he cannot remember, ask what he wishes he had spent it on.
What was dating like before everyone had a phone?
Why ask it
This gets at logistics, nerves, and social rules that have vanished, and it is usually funnier than he expects. It also opens the door to how he met the people who mattered without asking directly.
What rule did your parents have that you thought was ridiculous?
Why ask it
He will often notice mid-answer that he kept the rule or dropped it deliberately, which is more revealing than either the rule or the complaint. This is a good route into how he decided what kind of parent to be.
Who was your best friend growing up, and do you still talk?
Why ask it
Friendships that faded tend to carry more feeling than ones that lasted, and men often have not been asked about this in years. Whether he sounds wistful or unbothered says a lot about how he handles losing people.
What music did you actually like, not the stuff you say you liked?
Why ask it
The gap between the taste he claims and the taste he had is usually good territory, and often embarrassing enough to be genuinely funny. It is a low-cost question that makes the harder ones later easier.
What is the most trouble you got into that your parents never found out about?
Why ask it
Asking for the version his parents never heard makes the story easier to tell than asking about his worst behavior. Some dads will not answer this, and the refusal is often more interesting than the story.
What was going on in your life the year I was born?
Why ask it
You get the context you were born into: a job he hated, a move, money worries, a house that needed work. Children rarely know this and it reframes stories you thought you understood.
Were you frightened when you found out you were going to be a dad?
Why ask it
Almost everyone was, and few men have ever been asked plainly. An honest yes usually leads straight into what he thought he was supposed to be and where he got that idea.
What is something about being a parent that nobody warned you about?
Why ask it
This invites the unglamorous truth rather than a sentimental answer, and the unglamorous truth is what you can actually use. Expect something about exhaustion, money, or how long the worry lasts.
What do you think you got right with me, and what would you do differently?
Why ask it
Asking both halves together makes the second one possible to answer, because it is not framed as an accusation. Be ready for a real answer, and resist correcting his memory while he is giving it.
What is the hardest thing you have been through that I probably do not know about?
Why ask it
Fathers often keep a redundancy, a bereavement, or a period of debt entirely to themselves. Only ask if you have time to sit with the answer, because it may not be a short one.
Who taught you the thing you are best at?
Why ask it
This routes to a mentor, a grandparent, or a first foreman, and often to skills he never mentions. It is also an easy way to ask him to teach you something without making it a request.
What did you want to do before life got in the way?
Why ask it
Some dads have a clear answer they have never said out loud, and some genuinely never had a plan. Either way you learn how he thinks about the life he ended up with.
Is there something you have always wanted to do and keep putting off?
Why ask it
Unlike asking about regrets, this points forward and can actually lead somewhere. If he names something achievable, the useful response is to put a date on it before the conversation ends.
What do you worry about that you do not tell anyone?
Why ask it
Health, money, and one of his children are the usual answers, in roughly that order. This question needs an unhurried setting, and a deflection is worth accepting the first time it happens.
What do you want me to know about your side of the family?
Why ask it
Names, places, and connections tend to disappear with the generation that held them, and he may be the last person who knows some of it. Write down what he says, because you will not remember it accurately.
Is there anything you have wanted to say to me and never found the moment for?
Why ask it
This gives him an opening he almost certainly will not create himself. The answer is sometimes an apology, sometimes pride he has never expressed, and occasionally nothing at all, which is also fine.
What do you want us to do together while we can?
Why ask it
A specific plan is worth more than a general promise to see each other more. Naming a trip, a match, or a project turns the whole conversation into something with a date attached.
Having the Conversation
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Pick the right setting
Side by side beats face to face
Driving, walking, fishing, cooking, or working on something together removes the pressure of eye contact. Many fathers who go quiet across a table will talk for an hour in a car.
Two or three questions, not twenty
Working through a list turns it into an interview and he will start giving shorter answers. Ask one, follow where it goes, and save the rest for the next time.
Answer them yourself too
If you ask what he was like at your age, tell him what you are actually like now. Reciprocity is what turns questioning into a conversation.
If it stalls
- Swap an abstract question for a concrete one: not what mattered to you, but what your kitchen looked like.
- Ask about objects. A watch, a car, a tool, or an old photograph pulls out stories that direct questions do not.
- Let a silence run longer than is comfortable, since the second answer is usually the real one.
- Try again another day rather than pushing. A deflected question is often answered weeks later, unprompted.
- If he answers with a joke, laugh and ask the same thing again in different words.
What tends to go wrong
Correcting his version of events
You will hear details you remember differently, especially about your own childhood. Arguing about accuracy ends the honesty, and you can hold your version without contesting his.
Turning a question into a grievance
Asking what he would do differently is a real question, but only if you are not using it to deliver a verdict. If you want to raise something specific, do that on purpose rather than smuggling it in.
Recording without asking
Many people want their family stories kept, and a voice note is a good way to do it. Ask first, because the answers change when someone realizes mid-story that they are being recorded.