Questions to Ask Your Big
For a new sorority or fraternity member sitting down with their Big after reveal or during big/little week. The 50 questions follow the way that first real conversation tends to run: Get to know, Their first year, Chapter life, Classes and campus and Us two, then a short group, For your Little, that a Big can ask in return. Each one carries a note on what a good or a worrying answer sounds like, or what to do with it.
Want questions from the whole vault instead? Try the random question generator.
The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Get to know
What did you notice about me before the reveal?
Why ask it
The best answers are specific: a conversation at a new member event, a joke you made, a class you share. If matching is done by a committee in your chapter and your Big did not choose, ask what they were hoping for in a Little instead.
What made you choose this chapter?
Why ask it
The answers worth having are small and concrete: a recruitment conversation that ran long, a member who remembered their name the next day. 'It is where my friends were going' is fair too, and the follow-up is whether the reason they stay now is the one they came for.
What is your favorite memory with the chapter so far?
Why ask it
Whatever they pick shows you what they value here: a formal, a service day, a road trip, a night when nothing was planned. Ask who else was there, since those names are the people you are likely to meet through them first.
What snack or coffee order of yours should I know by heart?
Why ask it
Put the answer in your phone before the conversation moves on, and ask for their birthday while it is open. Turning up with that order during their exam week costs a few dollars and is remembered for a long time.
Why did you want to be a Big this year?
Why ask it
A good answer names something their own Big gave them, or something they went without and want to do better. 'The chapter needed more Bigs' is honest and not a bad sign, but it tells you that you may be the one suggesting the first few plans.
Where did you grow up, and what do you miss about it?
Why ask it
If home is a drive away, you have also learned who might be heading your direction at break. What they miss, whether a dog, a diner or a grandmother's cooking, is an easy thing to ask after again in November.
How do you like to be reached: a text, a call or a knock on the door?
Why ask it
Small, but it prevents weeks of second-guessing. Ask how fast they usually answer too, so a slow reply during a busy week does not read as a cold shoulder.
What are you into that has nothing to do with the chapter?
Why ask it
A team, a lab, a band or a part-time job shows you that membership can sit next to a whole life. If the honest answer is 'not much anymore', ask whether they would do that part differently.
How can I tell when you are having a rough week?
Why ask it
People rarely announce it, so ask for the signs: going quiet in the group chat, skipping meals, cleaning everything in sight. Follow with what they would want from you once you spot it.
Their first year
What was your own reveal like?
Why ask it
Everybody has this story ready and enjoys telling it. Listen for how they felt the week after, when the excitement wore off, because that is the part you are about to live.
Who is your Big, and what did they do that you want to pass on to me?
Why ask it
You hear what a good pairing looked like from the inside, in specifics: rides, notes before exams, one honest talk. If their Big was mostly absent, the useful follow-up is what they wished for.
What were you most nervous about in your first semester here?
Why ask it
Chances are it is close to what you are nervous about now, and hearing it from someone a year or two ahead takes some of the weight off. Ask what became of that worry in the end.
When did the chapter start to feel like yours?
Why ask it
Most answers point to a small moment and not a big event: a late drive, a study night, someone saving a seat. A member who says it took a full year is telling you not to panic in month two.
What mistake did you make as a new member that I can skip?
Why ask it
Overspending on outfits, saying yes to every event and neglecting friends from the dorm are the usual ones. Take the one they name seriously, since they paid for the lesson.
Did you ever think about leaving, and what kept you?
Why ask it
A yes with the story attached is more reassuring than a claim that it has all been perfect. What kept them is usually a person, and it is worth knowing who.
Which part of the new member period did you find hardest?
Why ask it
Time, nerves and memorizing things are the ordinary answers. If the story involves being pressured, embarrassed or kept up all night, ask whether that still happens, and know that you can say no and take it to the new member educator, an advisor or the campus office that oversees chapters.
What do you know about the chapter now that you could not see during recruitment?
Why ask it
Recruitment shows the polished side, which is not dishonest, only incomplete. A fair answer has something better than expected and something harder, such as the hours or the cost. Be wary if it is all one or all the other.
Chapter life
Who else is in our family, and when do I meet them?
Why ask it
Many chapters keep family trees, with a grand-big and sometimes twins or a family name. Ask for an introduction at the next event and not only a list of names, since these are the members most likely to look out for you.
Does our family have traditions of its own?
Why ask it
Some lines pass down a shirt, a paddle, a recipe or a standing dinner. If there is nothing yet, that is an opening: suggest one small thing the two of you could start.
Which events are truly required, and which ones only feel required?
Why ask it
Your Big knows where the real lines are: what brings a fine or a talk with an officer, and what is just habit. Check anything that matters against the written calendar or bylaws, since their memory may be a year out of date.
What are the unwritten rules nobody mentions until you break one?
Why ask it
Where to sit at chapter, what not to post while wearing letters, which group chat is for what. If they laugh and list five, you have been spared a semester of small embarrassments. If a rule sounds designed to keep new members quiet or apart, ask a second question about it.
Which chapter tradition means the most to you?
Why ask it
You find out what your Big is attached to, whether that is a service day, a senior send-off or a ritual they cannot describe. Their reason tells you more about them than about the tradition.
What can you tell me about initiation so I know what to expect?
Why ask it
Ritual is often kept private, so they may not be able to say much, and that is normal. The practical side can still be shared: what to wear, how long it runs, and that nothing in it is meant to scare or embarrass you. Vague hints meant to make you nervous are a poor sign.
What do I really need to buy this year, and what can I borrow?
Why ask it
Costs beyond dues vary by chapter: letters, event outfits, gifts, formal tickets. Come away with an honest total and a list of what can be borrowed, and say so early if money is tight, since older members usually have a closet to lend from.
Which officer or older member should I go to for what?
Why ask it
Get names for the usual needs: a missed event, a dues question, a roommate problem, a ride home. Knowing which officer handles what keeps you from carrying a small issue around for weeks.
How do social events usually go, and what do you do when you want to leave early?
Why ask it
The answer you want includes a plan: text me, we leave together, here is who drives. Be cautious if you hear that new members are expected to stay until the end or to do whatever older members say.
Classes and campus
What are you studying, and would you pick it again?
Why ask it
The second half is what gets a real answer. Someone who switched majors can walk you through how a change works at your school and how late they left it, and someone who would choose the same one again can say what made the hard semester worth it.
Which professors are worth rearranging a schedule for?
Why ask it
Older members have taken the classes you are about to pick, so ask before registration opens and not after. Mention your major and your worst subject so the advice fits you instead of them.
Where do you actually get work done?
Why ask it
Every campus has a library floor, a quiet building or a coffee shop that the tour skips. Ask to go along once, because studying next to your Big is the lowest-pressure way to spend time together.
How do you keep your grades up in the weeks when the chapter calendar is full?
Why ask it
Look for a method and not a boast: blocking out evenings, skipping optional events, telling an officer early. If the answer is that grades just slip in those weeks, ask what the chapter's grade requirement is and what happens when someone falls under it.
Who in the chapter is in my major, and will you introduce me?
Why ask it
The introduction is the point, so pin down a time. An older member in your program can tell you which course order works, where the old study guides live and how they found an internship.
What else on campus is worth joining?
Why ask it
Being pointed toward a club, a team or a job outside the chapter means they want you to do well and not just show up. Notice if the reply is that there will not be time for anything else.
What campus office or service did you find out about too late?
Why ask it
Tutoring, advising, the counseling center, a food pantry, free printing: every school hides a few. Ask how each one works at yours, because hours and eligibility differ from campus to campus.
What should I know now about where to live next year?
Why ask it
Housing deadlines tend to arrive months before you feel ready, and some chapters expect members to live in. Ask how it works in yours, what it costs next to a dorm, and when people start choosing roommates.
Where is the good cheap food around here?
Why ask it
Light, quick and it nearly always ends in a plan to go. Let them pick the place and make that your second hangout.
Us two
What do you think a Big is supposed to be?
Why ask it
Mentor, friend, guide to the chapter, or a mix: the answer sets the terms for the next few years. Say your own version back, because a mismatch found in week one is easy to fix.
How often do you realistically want to get together?
Why ask it
The word 'realistically' gives them room to be honest about a heavy semester. A standing weekly lunch that happens beats a promise of constant contact that fades by midterms.
What kinds of problems can I bring to you, and which should go to someone else?
Why ask it
The answer to hope for draws a line: class advice and chapter questions yes, while a serious health or safety matter goes to someone trained, with your Big beside you. Being told that is care, not a brush-off.
If I tell you something private, does it stay with you?
Why ask it
You are listening for a plain yes, along with the honest exception that they would get help if you were in danger. Hesitation here, or a joke about the family group chat, means share slowly at first.
What should I do if I am unhappy with something in the chapter itself?
Why ask it
This tests whether your Big is on your side or the chapter's when the two differ. The good answer is 'tell me first and we will work out who to take it to'. The worrying one is that new members should wait their turn.
What do you hope to get from me as your Little?
Why ask it
Asking it stops the pairing from running in one direction. Often the answer is modest: show up, answer texts, tell the truth. If gifts or errands come into it, ask how that works in this chapter and say what you can manage.
How will I know if I am asking too much of you?
Why ask it
It lets them set a boundary now instead of bringing it up cold later. 'I will tell you', said as if they mean it, is easier to lean on than 'you never could'.
What happens to us when you graduate or go abroad?
Why ask it
Worth asking a junior or senior so the ending does not come as a surprise. Many pairs settle on something small and steady, like a monthly call, and the plan matters less than having said it out loud.
What is one thing we should put on the calendar before this month is over?
Why ask it
End the first conversation with a date and a place, not 'we should hang out'. Offer two options yourself if they stall, since new Bigs are often as unsure as new Littles.
For your Little
What made you want to join, and has anything surprised you since bid day?
Why ask it
One for a Big to ask. The first half tells you what your Little came for, and the second tells you whether they are finding it. A surprise about cost or time is worth acting on this week.
What part of this semester are you dreading, in the chapter or outside it?
Why ask it
Coming from a Big, this works best after you have told your own first-year worry. Do not rush to reassure. Ask what would make it smaller, then offer one concrete thing: a ride, a study night, a seat saved at the event.
What are you juggling outside the chapter that I should know about?
Why ask it
A job, a sport, a tough major, family at home or a tight budget changes what a helpful Big looks like. Knowing early lets you stop inviting them to things they cannot afford or attend, and start offering what fits.
How do you like to be checked on?
Why ask it
Some Littles want a daily text and others find that smothering. Whatever they say, try it for two weeks and then ask whether it is the right amount.
Is anything about the new member process confusing you or sitting wrong?
Why ask it
Ask it privately and leave a pause afterward. If something is sitting wrong, your job is to take it seriously and go with them to the new member educator or an advisor, not to explain why it has always been done that way.
What do you need from a Big that you might not ask for?
Why ask it
New members tend to say 'nothing, I am fine', so give examples: rides, a place to study, someone to sit with at chapter. The one they pick is usually the thing they have been missing.
How to have the first real conversation with your Big
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you sit down
Pick five, not the whole page
Nobody wants to be read a list over coffee. Choose two from Get to know, one from Their first year and two from Chapter life that you need answered this week, such as which events are required or what to buy. The rest will keep for the second and third hangout.
Choose a place where you can hear each other
Reveal night is loud and full of photos, which makes it the wrong moment for most of these. A walk, a meal for two or a drive to pick something up gives you an hour without an audience, and side-by-side settings make the personal questions easier.
Check your chapter's own words
This page says Big, Little, family and reveal because those are the common terms, but chapters differ: some say line or lineage, some match by mutual ranking and some by committee, and some pair members later in the year. Where a note here does not match what you have been told, ask your Big how it works in your chapter.
Keep a short note afterward
Birthday, coffee order, hardest class, the name of their own Big. Two minutes of typing after you part means you can follow up on something specific next time, which is what turns a pairing into a friendship.
Running the conversation
Start with the person, then the chapter
Open with Get to know and Their first year before you ask about rules and costs. A Big who has just told you about their own nervous first semester will answer the practical questions more honestly than one who feels they are being quizzed.
Trade answers
After each answer, give your own to the same question without waiting to be asked. Your Big is trying to get to know you as well, and many are only a year older and just as unsure how this is supposed to go.
Follow the story, not the order
If the reveal question turns into twenty minutes about their family line, stay there. The list is sorted so you can find a question, not so you can finish it.
Save Us two for the second or third meeting
Questions about privacy, limits and what each of you expects land better once you have laughed together at least once. The exception is the last one in that group: always leave the first meeting with the next one on the calendar.
What to listen for
Specifics over slogans
A Big who answers with names, places and small stories is telling you what membership has really been like. Answers that sound like the recruitment video are not a red flag by themselves, but ask for an example and see whether one arrives.
How they talk about saying no
Across Chapter life and Us two, notice whether skipping an event, leaving early or turning down a request is treated as ordinary. A Big who says 'just tell me and you are covered' is a good one to have. Repeated hints that new members do not get a choice deserve attention.
How they talk about people who are not there
You will hear about other members along the way. Warmth with the occasional honest criticism is healthy. A stream of complaints about named people is a preview of how your own private news may travel.
If an answer worries you
You do not have to settle it in the moment. Say you would like to think about it, then take it to someone outside the pairing: the new member educator, a chapter advisor, or the campus office that works with fraternities and sororities. Who that is and how to reach them differs by school, so find out early, before you need it.
If you are the Big
Ask before you advise
Open with the For your Little group and hold your own tips back for a while. Advice about classes, events and people only helps once you know what your Little is carrying, and a new member will often accept advice politely that does not fit their life at all.
Do not let gifts become the measure
Baskets and crafts are a nice part of the week in many chapters, and they can get expensive fast on both sides. Say plainly what you can spend and tell your Little that nothing is owed in return. Time is the gift that still matters in March.
Say what you can really offer
If you are a senior with a thesis, or you work twenty hours a week, tell them now and name what you can do: one lunch a week, fast replies to texts, a seat next to you at chapter. A small promise kept is worth more than a big one that slides.
Check in after the week ends
Attention tends to fall away once the reveal photos are posted, and those are the weeks when a new member works out whether the pairing is real. Put a reminder in your calendar for two weeks out and again before finals.