Questions to Ask Your Future Spouse
Questions to ask your future spouse before the wedding, whether you are engaged or still deciding: 68 of them, grouped into the marriage itself, money, children, home and work, family and beliefs, and conflict and trust. Each has a note on what a good or a worrying answer tends to sound like, what to ask next, and now and then when to let it rest.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Marriage
Why do you want to be married, and why to me?
Why ask it
Two answers are being asked for, and the second usually comes more easily. If the first arrives as age, family pressure or simply the next step, give it another evening before you judge it. A reason for wanting marriage itself often takes a second attempt to put into words.
What does marriage mean to you, in your own words rather than the vows?
Why ask it
Some people hear a promise made before God, some a legal partnership, some a public way of saying this is my family now. None of those is wrong, but two people holding different ones can disagree later about what breaking it would look like. Give your own version straight after theirs.
What do you expect from me as a husband or wife, and what should I expect from you?
Why ask it
Roles get assumed long before they get discussed: who earns, who cooks, who remembers the birthdays. Compare how concrete the two halves are. A detailed list for you and a vague one for themselves is worth pointing out, kindly, while you are still at the table.
What did marriage look like in your house growing up, and what do you want to keep or drop?
Why ask it
The marriage someone grew up watching is the one they know best, whether they mean to repeat it or to avoid it. If the answer stops at "they were fine", ask who made the decisions and how an argument ended. If their parents were not together, ask whose marriage they did see up close.
What are you most afraid of about marrying me?
Why ask it
A fear said out loud can be worked on, and one kept private tends to come out later as criticism. If the answer is "nothing", offer one of your own first, something small and true, and see whether that makes room for theirs.
What does a normal Tuesday evening look like in the marriage you're imagining?
Why ask it
Abstract talk about marriage skips the part you actually live in. If the picture is all weekends, travel and holidays with nothing about ordinary weeknights, you are hearing an idea of marriage and not yet a plan for one. Ask who is cooking in that picture and what time everyone gets home.
Which parts of our life now do you expect the wedding to change, and which should it leave alone?
Why ask it
Anyone hoping marriage will fix a habit, a distance or a doubt tends to say so here if given room. Expecting no change at all is a fair answer too, provided it comes with a reason for marrying.
What do I do that makes you feel most loved, and what am I trying that doesn't land?
Why ask it
Expect a quick answer to the first half and a pause before the second. It is common for each person to be working hard at something the other barely notices, such as gifts for someone who would sooner have an hour of attention. Take the second half as information, not as a complaint.
What do you want your own life to look like in ten years, apart from us?
Why ask it
A marriage has to hold two sets of plans, and one that was never mentioned is hard to make room for later. If the answer involves study, a business or a move, ask what it would cost in time and money and when it would start.
How do we protect time for just the two of us once work, family or children crowd it out?
Why ask it
Ask for something you could put in a calendar: a weekly evening, a walk after dinner, one weekend a season with nobody else invited. A general promise to make time is easy to give and hard to hold anyone to. If you already have a habit like this, agree that it survives the wedding.
Would either of us change our name, and what would our children be called?
Why ask it
It sounds like paperwork and is often about family loyalty and identity. Find out whether their view is a preference or an expectation, and whether the expectation is really theirs or a parent's.
What do you expect affection and physical closeness to look like once we're married, and what would worry you?
Why ask it
You are not after a number or a schedule. What matters is whether the two of you can talk about closeness in a plain voice while nothing is wrong, because that is much harder to begin in the middle of a hurt. If it stalls, leave it for another day instead of pushing for an answer.
How do you see divorce: unthinkable, a last resort, or simply an option?
Why ask it
Views here come from family, faith and what they watched happen to people they love. Two people can both be fully committed and mean different things by it, and the difference shows in what each would be willing to try when things are bad.
Money
How do you want us to handle money: one pot, separate accounts, or something in between?
Why ask it
Which system you choose matters less than whether each of you can say why you want it. Ask what they have seen go wrong, in their parents' house or a friend's, because a strong preference for shared or separate money usually has a story behind it. "We'll figure it out" is fine for tonight as long as you set a date to do the figuring.
What do you earn, and what do you have in savings?
Why ask it
Ask for real figures, including bonuses, tips and anything that varies from month to month, and give yours in the same breath. If a number embarrasses either of you, say so, because a small salary or thin savings is easier to plan around than a guess. Then agree how you will keep each other up to date when either figure changes.
What debts, loans or financial obligations are you carrying right now?
Why ask it
Better asked before the wedding than discovered on a joint credit application. Pay less attention to the size of the number than to whether it arrives in one piece or in installments across several conversations. Whether one spouse's debt becomes the other's depends on where you live and when it was taken on, so check how it works there.
What's the biggest amount either of us should be able to spend without checking with the other first?
Why ask it
This forces a figure, and a figure is easier to argue about usefully than a feeling. If one of you says fifty and the other five hundred, you have found a real difference at home instead of at a checkout. Agree a number to start with and expect to revise it.
Would you call yourself a saver or a spender, and what did you do with the last money you didn't expect?
Why ask it
Weigh the story more than the label, since people tend to describe the saver or spender they would like to be. A saver and a spender can do well together, as long as each admits the other's instinct is sometimes the right one.
What are we saving for first: a home, a cushion, the wedding, or something else?
Why ask it
Order matters because few couples can fund everything at once. If your first priorities differ, put a monthly figure against each one so that neither goal gets starved without anyone having decided it.
If one of us lost our income for six months, what would we cut first?
Why ask it
The first thing each of you would cut shows what you count as a luxury, and it is seldom the same thing. It also brings up, without drama, how many months your savings would cover.
Do you give money to family, or expect that you will one day?
Why ask it
In some families supporting a parent or a sibling is simply what is done, and in others it is unheard of. Neither is wrong, but the amount and who decides it belong in the household budget where both of you can see them.
Do we need a prenuptial agreement, and what is each of us bringing in that we'd want kept separate?
Why ask it
Start with the second half: an apartment, a family business, an expected inheritance, a debt nobody else should take on. Whether an agreement is worth having, and what a court would honor, depends on the law where you marry and live, so take that part to a family lawyer there and leave it out of tonight.
Who would pay the bills and keep the paperwork, and how would the other one stay in the picture?
Why ask it
One person usually becomes the household's finance department by default. That holds up until they are ill, away or fed up with it, so agree on a regular look at the accounts together, even a short one.
What would you want our wedding to cost, and who do you expect to pay for it?
Why ask it
A wedding is often the first big bill a couple shares, and how you settle it shows who compromises, who goes quiet and who calls a parent. A gap between a dozen guests and two hundred is better found before any deposit is paid. If family money is involved, ask what comes attached to it.
When do you picture stopping work, and are you putting anything away for it yet?
Why ask it
One of you may plan to work to seventy and the other to stop at fifty-five, and those two plans need very different amounts set aside starting now. Pensions and retirement accounts differ from country to country and employer to employer, so find out what each of you already has before deciding what to add. "I haven't thought about it" is an honest answer, and a reason to pick a date to look together.
Children
Do you want children, and if so, roughly when?
Why ask it
You are looking for a real answer, not a polite one. "Someday" and "if it happens" deserve a gentle second question, because one of you picturing next year and the other picturing ten years off is a disagreement and not a detail. If the honest answer is no or not sure, hear it as that and do not plan on it changing.
How many children do you picture, and what would make you stop sooner or want more?
Why ask it
A number on its own is a guess made before any sleepless nights. The conditions behind it, money, health, how the first one goes, show whether the figure is fixed or a starting point.
If we couldn't have children the usual way, what would you want to do?
Why ask it
Adoption, fostering, fertility treatment and a life without children are all possible answers, and people feel strongly about each. Ask how far they would go and what they would not do, including how much money they would put toward it. If either of you already suspects this could be hard, it is a tender one, so pick a quiet evening and let it be short.
Who would be at home while a child is small, and for how long?
Why ask it
Couples who agree on wanting children can hold opposite pictures of the first few years. Set real figures beside it, the leave your employers give and what childcare costs where you live, since a wish and a budget can point in different directions.
What happened in your house when a child misbehaved, and what would happen in ours?
Why ask it
Asking for the scene, not the philosophy, gets a truer picture of what was handed down. Pay attention to anything described as having done them no harm, since that is often the part they plan to repeat.
What kind of schooling would you want for our children, and what would you pay or move for it?
Why ask it
Listen for the two concrete parts, fees and distance. A preference that needs a particular neighborhood or a second income is really a decision about the house and both careers, so it should be said before either is chosen.
How involved should grandparents be in raising our children?
Why ask it
Free childcare and unasked-for advice tend to arrive together. Settle which decisions stay with the two of you, such as food, bedtimes and faith, before a grandparent has formed a view on them.
What happens if one of us changes our mind about children after we're married?
Why ask it
Nobody can promise how they will feel in ten years, so do not ask for that. Ask for the smaller promise that can be kept: saying it as soon as it is true, and deciding nothing alone.
Home and Work
Where do you want to be living in five years, and how attached are you to that?
Why ask it
This sorts a preference from a condition. If they name a city, ask what would make them leave it: a job, a parent's health, the price of a home. Someone who has never thought about that has not yet tested how firm the answer is.
Is owning a home important to you, and what would you go without to get there?
Why ask it
Buying stands for different things to different people: security, status, a trap. The trade they would accept, fewer trips, a longer commute, a smaller wedding, tells you how much it really matters.
If one of us were offered something good in another city, how would we decide?
Why ask it
You are after a method more than a decision, and "we would talk about it" is not one yet. Ask who has moved for whom in their family, because that is often the model they are working from without having noticed.
How many hours does your work really take, and do you expect that to change?
Why ask it
Ask about evenings, weekends and the phone at dinner, not the contract. If the quieter period is always one project away, plan around the hours as they are today.
Who does what around the house, and which chore would you resent being stuck with?
Why ask it
Task lists get renegotiated easily, and resentment does not. The job they name as unbearable is the one to trade away on purpose now, so it does not become the argument you have every month.
How clean and tidy does a home need to be before you can relax in it?
Why ask it
Get examples instead of adjectives: dishes left overnight, shoes in the hall, a bed that never gets made. Whoever has the higher standard usually ends up doing the extra work, so decide together which rooms get that standard and which do not.
How much time alone do you need in a week to feel like yourself?
Why ask it
People who never say this out loud can end up hiding in the car or staying late at work. Ask for it in hours and in a form: a run, a closed door, a Saturday morning. If they say they need none, ask again once you have shared a home for a few months.
After a long day, do you want to tell me all of it or be left alone for an hour first?
Why ask it
Some people unwind by narrating everything, and others need an hour of nothing first. Both work, but expecting the opposite pattern gets read as coldness on one side and smothering on the other.
How much time with friends, together and separately, feels right to you?
Why ask it
One of you may picture a shared social life and the other a standing night out that has nothing to do with the marriage. Either works once it is agreed, and either feels like rejection when it comes as a surprise.
Do you want pets, and who would look after them?
Why ask it
The person who wants the dog and the person walking it at seven on a wet morning are not always the same. Allergies and firm no-pets rules are better learned now than at the shelter. If one of you already has an animal, it is coming too, so talk about that one by name.
How much of our life together should end up online?
Why ask it
Photos, relationship news, a child's face, an argument vented to followers: people draw this line in very different places. One rule some couples use is that either of you can veto a post about the other without having to explain.
Family and Beliefs
How should we split holidays between your family, mine, and just us?
Why ask it
Holiday arithmetic is often where in-law tension first shows, because one family always gets the smaller share. Work out the first year in detail, including who tells which parents, and call it a trial so that nobody treats it as the rule for good.
How near to our parents do you want to live, and how often would we see them?
Why ask it
Some families expect a drop-in most days and others manage on two visits a year, and each finds the other odd. Ask whether visits are arranged or unannounced as well as how often, because the unannounced kind is harder to raise once it has started.
How do you honestly get on with my family, and who do you find hard going?
Why ask it
Ask when no visit is coming up, so the answer is not about last weekend. A specific complaint, such as an uncle's jokes or a mother who rearranges the kitchen, is easier to act on than a polite "they're lovely". Hold off defending anyone and ask what would make visits easier.
If your parents and I fell out, what would you do?
Why ask it
The usual first reply is that it would never happen, so offer a small case: a remark about your cooking, your job, how you spend money. You are finding out whether they would speak up at the time, smooth it over afterwards, or expect you to absorb it.
Which of our decisions are our parents' business, and which are not?
Why ask it
Try it against real cases: where you live, what you earn, when you have children, a loan from one side. A couple who have agreed the list in advance can give both families the same answer, which is most of what a boundary is.
What would you want us to do if one of our parents needed to move in with us?
Why ask it
The need can arrive with little notice, after a fall or a death, when there is no time for a long talk. Ask who they picture doing the daily work, in which room, and for how long. What families are expected to do, and what outside help exists, varies a great deal by culture and country, so compare what each of you grew up assuming.
What did your family do every year that you would be sad to lose?
Why ask it
It might be a meal, a fast, a trip or the way birthdays were handled, and it rarely comes up until the first year it goes missing. Small rituals cost little to keep and hurt more than expected when they are overruled.
How much does religion shape your week, and what would you want our children raised in?
Why ask it
Ask about practice before labels: what they actually do in a week, and what they would want a child to do. Two people who tick the same box on a form can still want different weekends, different schools and different funerals.
What would we do if our beliefs drifted apart over the years?
Why ask it
Belief at twenty-five is not always belief at forty, and one of you becoming more or less observant changes the household for both. A workable answer protects each person's practice and settles what any children would be told.
How much do politics matter to you, and could you live with me voting differently?
Why ask it
Plenty of couples vote differently and manage, so the question is whether the two of you could. Find out which issues feel like opinions to them and which feel like morals, because the second kind is where a disagreement turns personal. If you agree on everything today, ask what would happen if one of you changed.
Conflict and Trust
When you're upset with me, do you need to talk it out straight away or cool off first?
Why ask it
The one who wants to talk can read distance as being abandoned, and the one who needs an hour can read pursuit as an attack. Agree on a phrase that means "I am not leaving, I need a while", and on roughly how long a while is.
What does a fight look like in your family: shouting, silence, or something else?
Why ask it
How a family argued is the version of conflict someone learned first. A person raised in a house of silences may not see going quiet for two days as something that lands on anyone else. Ask which parent they are most like when they are angry.
What did our last real argument tell you about us?
Why ask it
This tests whether they can look at a fight from outside it. Someone who can describe their own part and what set it off will probably be able to mend the next one. If all they remember is what you did, the argument is not finished, and that is worth knowing too.
How do you apologize, and how do I know when you have?
Why ask it
Some people say the words, some make tea, and some act normal the next morning and consider it done. If you need the words and they deal in gestures, each of you will come to believe the other never says sorry.
What counts as cheating, for you?
Why ask it
Go through the cases one at a time: messages, secrecy, a close confidant, meeting someone alone, an old dating profile left open. Two people can each be certain they know the line and be describing different lines. Note the cases you disagreed on and come back to them.
What should I know about your past relationships to understand you now?
Why ask it
This is not a request for a full history, and names and numbers add nothing. The pattern is what helps: how the serious ones ended, what they would do differently, and whether anyone from then is still part of their life.
What privacy do you expect from me: phone, messages, money, time?
Why ask it
Open phones and shared passwords feel like trust to some people and like surveillance to others. Which arrangement you pick matters less than both of you living under the same one.
What should a husband or wife know about your health, including what runs in your family?
Why ask it
A spouse usually becomes the emergency contact and the one in the waiting room, so treat this as practical information and not a confession. Take whatever is said calmly, and name mental health in the question if they leave it out. Nobody owes a full medical file in one sitting, so let them set the pace.
Has drinking, gambling or anything like it ever been a problem for you or in your family?
Why ask it
Use the same tone as the questions about money, with no accusation in it. A family history is not a prediction, but it explains why a third glass of wine can mean something to one of you and nothing to the other. If the answer is about them and it is current, it is fair to ask what help they have or would accept.
If you were struggling and not asking for help, what would you want me to do?
Why ask it
This gives you permission in advance, for a time when asking for it will be hardest. Get specifics: sit with them, call a sibling, book the appointment, or simply say you have noticed. People differ on which of those feels like care and which feels like being managed.
What's something you could never forgive?
Why ask it
Limits named calmly now are far more reliable than ones discovered in a crisis. If the answer is a single abstract word like "disrespect", ask for the specific act they have in mind.
Would you come to counseling with me if I asked, even if you thought we were fine?
Why ask it
The last clause is the test, because agreeing to go once things are terrible is an easy promise. A yes given now is something you can remind each other of later, when asking is harder.
Is there anything I should know before we marry that you haven't found a way to tell me?
Why ask it
It could be a debt, a diagnosis, a dependency, a relative in trouble, an earlier marriage, something owed. Ask once, plainly, and keep your face still while they answer. Thank them for saying it before you respond to what was said, since a secret that is punished the moment it is told makes the next one harder to say.
What do you need from me that you have not asked for?
Why ask it
Give this one more silence than feels comfortable. If the answer is nothing, ask again in a week, since a request that went unanswered once is one people stop repeating. When something does come, skip the explanation of why you have not been doing it and ask what it would look like.
Working through this before the wedding
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
If you only get through ten
- From the marriage group: why each of you wants to be married, and what you expect of each other as husband or wife.
- From money: how you will hold it, what each of you earns and has saved, and what each of you owes.
- From children: whether you want them and roughly when.
- From home and work: where you want to be living in five years.
- From family and beliefs: how much religion shapes the week, and what children would be raised in.
- From conflict and trust: what each of you needs when upset, and whether there is anything not yet said.
How to pace the conversations
- Two or three topics an evening. The whole list in one sitting turns into an interrogation and both of you start performing.
- The six groups run from the marriage itself to conflict and trust, but there is no need to take them in order. Start with the group you both find easiest, and keep the one you have been avoiding for an evening when you are rested.
- Do not put money and children in the same conversation. Each one deserves its own evening and its own ending.
- Pick a time when neither of you has to be anywhere afterwards. The useful part of an answer often arrives twenty minutes after the first version.
- Answer each question yourself before you ask it. If you cannot, you are collecting information instead of deciding something together.
- Come back to the big three, money, children and where you live, a few months later. Answers move, and it is fair for them to.
When an answer worries you
- Separate a difference from a deal-breaker. Different saving habits are workable. One of you wanting children and the other not is not a compromise problem.
- Watch for vagueness that survives follow-up questions. Someone who cannot get specific about debt, an ex or a timeline may be protecting something, or may never have been asked before. A third calm attempt usually shows which.
- Do not treat a stated ambition as a promise. "I want to go back to school" is information about what they want, not a commitment they have made to you.
- Notice your own reaction. If you find yourself arguing someone out of an answer, you have stopped asking and started negotiating.
- Write down what you agreed. Two people can remember the same evening very differently a year on.
When to bring in someone else
- Premarital counseling, through a counselor or your place of worship, goes further when you bring the two subjects you keep avoiding instead of a general request to be assessed.
- If either of you has debt, property or a business, an hour with an independent financial adviser before you merge accounts can be worth paying for. Ask how they are paid before you book.
- Get legal advice if there are children from a previous relationship, inherited property, a prenuptial agreement under discussion, or you are marrying across borders or immigration statuses. The rules differ from place to place, so ask someone who practices where you will live.
- If one of you is in ongoing treatment for anything, consider inviting the other to one appointment, if you and the clinician are comfortable with that. It can be easier than explaining it secondhand.