Questions to Ask Your Husband
Questions to ask your husband when you want more from the evening than 'fine', whether that is at dinner, on a drive or at the end of the day. They start with everyday questions to ask instead of 'how was your day', then move through fun ones, questions about him, about your marriage and about the future, and end with a few harder ones for a calm night.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Tonight
What was the highlight of your day?
Why ask it
The nearest swap for 'how was your day', and harder to answer with 'fine' because it asks for one thing and not a verdict on eight hours. Small answers count: a good parking spot, a meeting that got canceled. Ask why that was the one that came to mind.
What made you laugh today, even a little?
Why ask it
A laugh comes with a story attached: who said it, what happened next, why it was funny at the time. If he can't think of one, ask what the day was short on. That answer is useful too.
What was the most annoying part of today?
Why ask it
Permission to complain can open up a man who answers 'fine' to everything, and the bad driver or the pointless meeting usually comes with a full story. Let him finish, then ask whether he wants ideas or only an audience.
Who did you spend the most time with today, and how were they?
Why ask it
It puts faces in his day, which is what 'fine' leaves out. Remember the names. Asking next week how the thing with Dave turned out is what proves you were listening.
What was on your mind on the way home?
Why ask it
The trip home is where a lot of people sort the day, and what he was turning over is often not about work at all. If he works from home, ask what he was thinking about when he shut the laptop. A 'nothing' can be true, so believe it the first time and ask again another evening.
On a scale of one to ten, how much is left in the tank tonight?
Why ask it
A number is quick to give and tells you what kind of evening to plan. A three means the talk about the budget waits for Saturday. A low number several nights running is worth a gentle 'what's draining it?'
What did you do today that nobody is going to thank you for?
Why ask it
Much of a working day is effort no one sees: the mistake caught before it went out, the call that kept a customer. Say back what you heard, even just 'that sounds like a lot to keep straight', because credit for the invisible part is something he is unlikely to ask for.
Is there anything from today you're still carrying around?
Why ask it
Softer than 'what's wrong', and it assumes nothing. A shrug and a change of subject can mean he needs twenty minutes first, so try it again after dinner instead of in the doorway.
What are you dreading this week, and what are you looking forward to?
Why ask it
Asking for both halves keeps it from turning into a complaint session. The dread tells you which evening to leave him alone, and the other half gives you something to ask about once it has happened.
What did you have for lunch, and was it any good?
Why ask it
About as small as a question gets, for the nights when he has no words left. One easy answer gets a quiet dinner moving, and 'who did you eat with?' is a natural second step.
What did you hear, read or watch today that you wanted to tell me about?
Why ask it
This is the invitation for the podcast, the article, or the odd thing a coworker said. If he lights up, let it run even when the subject isn't yours. Being heard out on his interests is what gets him asking about yours.
What do you need from this evening: company, quiet, or a job to do?
Why ask it
Three choices make an honest answer easy. 'Quiet' is not a rejection, and taking it at face value tonight makes 'company' more likely tomorrow.
Fun
What household rule would you pass into law if you were in charge for a day?
Why ask it
How the dishwasher gets loaded, where the thermostat sits, shoes at the door. Argue against it for sport and dinner is taken care of. If it starts to get heated, it mattered more than advertised, so let him win.
If you had a whole Saturday with me out of town, what would you really do with it?
Why ask it
The honest answer is usually modest: the garage, a long video game, a meal you can't stand. Hear it as information and not as a verdict on you, then think about handing him that Saturday.
What would you buy tomorrow if I promised not to say a word?
Why ask it
You don't have to approve the truck, the smoker or the guitar he'd play twice to enjoy hearing about it. Ask what he'd do with it in the first week, because the daydream is often about free time more than the thing.
What job would you be hopeless at, and what job do you secretly think you'd be great at?
Why ask it
He'll joke his way through the first half and get serious about the second. Plenty of husbands carry a private belief that they could have been a pilot, a chef or a sports announcer, and hearing the case for it costs you nothing.
What movie could you watch for the hundredth time, and which line do you wait for?
Why ask it
He will say the line, probably in the voice. If you have never sat through the whole thing with him, offering to is one of the cheapest date nights there is.
If we came into enough money to stop working, what would you do on the first Monday?
Why ask it
One specific Monday keeps it from becoming a shopping list. Sleep, go fishing, or go to work anyway: each says something about how he feels about the job he has now.
What's the best present you were ever given, as a kid or as a grown man?
Why ask it
Fun to hear and useful to know. Whether he names a bike, a trip or a handwritten letter tells you if objects, experiences or words mean most to him, which takes some of the guessing out of his next birthday.
What song puts you right back in high school?
Why ask it
Put it on, right then if you can. It tends to arrive with a car, a summer job and a cast of people you have only half heard about, so ask who he was with when it played.
Which would you take for a year: a personal chef, a driver, or someone to answer all your email?
Why ask it
His pick points at the part of daily life that wears on him most. Give your own answer as well, and see whether either of you can take a slice of that chore off the other.
What's the story about us you most enjoy telling other people?
Why ask it
Let him tell it all the way through, even though you were there and remember it differently. The one he picks, the disastrous first apartment or the trip where everything went wrong, shows what he likes about the two of you. Save your corrections for the end, and keep them few.
About Him
What's the hardest you've ever worked for something, and was it worth it?
Why ask it
Listen for whether he tells it with pride or with tiredness. Then say what you admire in it. Thanks for what he provides are common enough, and recognition of what it cost him is rarer.
Who was the first man you looked up to, and what did you take from him?
Why ask it
Whether it was his father, a coach or a first boss, the qualities he lists are the ones he has been trying to live up to since. 'Nobody' is a real answer too, and the follow-up is who he wishes it had been.
What did you want to be when you were ten, and is any of that still in you?
Why ask it
The job matters less than the pull behind it: being outdoors, building things, being the one in charge. Check together whether his life now has any of that in it, and where a little more could fit.
What do you miss about life before we had this many responsibilities?
Why ask it
A good answer is specific: playing in a band, weekends with no plan, one particular friend. Missing those things is not the same as regretting the life he has now. Ask which piece could come back in a small way.
Which friend do you wish you saw more, and what gets in the way?
Why ask it
Friendships often lapse after marriage without anyone deciding they should. If he names someone, be practical about it: pick a date, cover whatever needs covering at home, and tell him to go.
What part of your job are you good at that I probably don't understand?
Why ask it
Have him explain it as if you were a new hire. Once you know what a good day at his work looks like, your questions on every later evening get better.
What compliment have you held onto for years?
Why ask it
Whatever it was about, his work, his humor, the way he handled a bad moment, that is the kind of praise that lands with him. Notice who said it too. If it wasn't you, you now know what to say.
Where are you when you feel most like yourself?
Why ask it
If the answer is somewhere you aren't, such as the workshop, the sideline he coaches from or a car with only him in it, don't read it as a slight. Find out what that place gives him and whether he gets enough of it.
How do you feel about work right now: glad to go, neutral, or counting the years?
Why ask it
The three choices let him say 'counting the years' without it sounding like an emergency. If that is his answer, hold off on solutions and on the budget. What would move it up a single notch?
What's on your mind when you can't sleep?
Why ask it
Money, his parents, his health, whether he is doing enough. Don't try to solve it at the table. 'I didn't know you were carrying that' is plenty for the first time, and if he says he sleeps fine, you have learned something good.
What do you wish your dad had said to you, or said more often?
Why ask it
Ask only if you know the ground, since with an absent or difficult father this goes deep fast. The words he wishes he had heard are often ones he would still like to hear from someone, and ones he is trying to say to his own kids.
Marriage
What was the moment you knew you wanted to marry me?
Why ask it
You know the proposal story, and this is the one before it. He may name a moment you barely remember: a long drive, a bad week you got him through, the way you were with his family. Ask what he saw in it, then tell him yours.
What do I do that makes you feel respected?
Why ask it
His example may surprise you: asking his opinion before deciding, backing him in front of the kids, letting him tell a story without corrections. Whatever he names, do it on purpose for a week and see what changes.
What's one thing I could do this month that would make you feel more supported?
Why ask it
'One thing' and 'this month' keep it small enough to answer. If he shrugs or says you already do plenty, offer two guesses and let him pick: fewer questions about work, say, or one evening a week that is his. Then do it without announcing it.
What were we like in our first year of marriage that you'd like a little of back?
Why ask it
A vague 'we had more fun' needs one more question: doing what? Once he gets as far as staying up talking or going out with no plan, put that on this month's calendar instead of agreeing it would be nice.
What do I do that makes your day harder without knowing it?
Why ask it
Only ask if you can hear the answer without defending yourself. Expect something small and practical, like the car left on empty or questions the second he walks in. A changed habit next week says more than an apology tonight.
When do you feel most like my husband, and when do you feel more like my roommate?
Why ask it
The roommate half is the one to listen to. 'Most weekdays' is normal for a busy household and not a crisis. The follow-up is what single thing would tip an ordinary evening back the other way.
After we argue, what helps you come back: time, a joke, or talking it through?
Why ask it
Ask on a calm day. If he needs an hour and you need to talk right away, that mismatch may be behind more of your fights than the subjects are. Agree on a phrase that means 'I'm coming back, just not yet'.
How do you think we're doing on time for just the two of us?
Why ask it
This asks for a reading, not a complaint. 'Not great' is a helpful answer as long as you settle on one protected hour before the conversation ends. If he says 'fine' and you disagree, say so plainly and give your own reading.
What do you wish I asked your opinion on more?
Why ask it
Some husbands go quiet instead of objecting when decisions about the house, the money or the children arrive already made, and this shows you where that might be happening. If he can't come up with anything, you can retire the worry.
How do you most like to be thanked?
Why ask it
Some people want the words, some want it said in front of others, some want a favorite dinner and no speech. If your thanks have seemed to fall flat, a mismatch here is one possible reason. Next time, thank him his way.
What do we talk about too much, and what do we never get around to?
Why ask it
Schedules, kids and bills can fill an evening without either of you choosing them. His 'never get around to' is your subject list for the next dinner out, so write it down before you forget it.
What do you think our kids are learning about marriage from watching us?
Why ask it
Skip this if there are no children at home. If there are, it holds up a mirror neither of you can argue with. Start with what he would like them to see more of, and pick one small thing to do differently in front of them.
Future
What would make this a good year for you, apart from work?
Why ask it
An easy way into the future, since it is only one year and it is his. A useful answer is concrete enough to act on: a fishing trip, getting back in shape, more evenings at home. Then ask what would have to move to make room.
What do you want the next five years to have that the last five didn't?
Why ask it
Asking for the difference keeps him from saying 'more of the same'. Hear whether the change is about work, place or pace, and say out loud which of them you want as well.
What trip do we keep saying we'll take someday?
Why ask it
You probably both know which one it is before he answers: the national park, the city where you honeymooned, the town his grandparents came from. Ask what he pictures doing there on the first morning. If the whole trip is out of reach this year, see whether a long-weekend version is.
What's one thing you want to do before your next big birthday?
Why ask it
A deadline with a number on it turns a someday into a plan. Ask what the first step would cost in money and in weekends, and offer to guard the weekends.
If you could start over in a different line of work at this age, what would it be?
Why ask it
Usually a daydream. If he answers fast and in detail, it is closer to a plan than you knew, and the kind question is what the smallest version would look like: a class, a side job, coffee with someone who does it.
What amount in savings would make you feel we're okay?
Why ask it
Many people carry a private figure for 'safe' and have never said it aloud. If his is far from yours, that gap may explain some of your small disagreements about spending. Neither number is the right one, so ask what his would buy him in peace of mind.
What do you picture us doing on an ordinary Tuesday once we're retired?
Why ask it
The ordinary day shows more than the dream trip. If his Tuesday has a boat in it and yours has grandchildren two states away, it is better to find that out with years to spare.
How do you want us to handle it when our parents need more help?
Why ask it
Families differ a lot in what they expect, and so do the two of you, probably. A thought-through answer covers time, money and who lives where. If he hasn't considered it, agree to come back to it once he has talked to his siblings.
What do you hope we're still doing together when we're eighty?
Why ask it
Usually something small: coffee on the porch, arguing over the crossword, holding hands across a parking lot. Check whether you are doing it now, because the habits of eighty get built in the decades before.
What do you want to be remembered for by the people who know you best?
Why ask it
The answer is rarely about work: a good father, the friend who showed up, the one who made people laugh. Whatever he says, tell him one place you already see it in him. A long drive gives it the room it needs.
Harder
Do you feel appreciated at home?
Why ask it
A yes-or-no on purpose, because it is easy to answer honestly, with 'for what?' or 'what's missing?' as the follow-up. If the answer is no, resist listing everything you do in reply. That conversation is fair, and it belongs to another night.
Where do you feel like you're falling short, even if you'd never say so?
Why ask it
Plenty of husbands grade themselves hard and in private, on providing, on fathering, on keeping up at work. Don't hurry to tell him he's wrong. Ask where the standard came from, and then tell him what you see.
Do you feel you can tell me when you're not okay?
Why ask it
A quick 'of course' is good news. A pause, or 'I don't want to add to your load', tells you he has been editing himself. Ask what you do that makes it harder to say, and listen without correcting the record.
Are you happy with the way our life looks right now?
Why ask it
Ask it in a level voice, as a real question and not a test. 'Mostly' is an honest answer from a tired man and worth one follow-up: which part is the 'mostly'? If he turns it around, answer as plainly as you hoped he would.
Is there something I said or did that still bothers you?
Why ask it
Choose a quiet evening and mean it. If something comes out, the only useful first replies are 'tell me more' and 'I'm sorry', and your side of it can wait a day. If nothing comes to mind, that is an answer too, and a good one.
What would you change about how affectionate we are day to day?
Why ask it
Keep it to everyday affection: a hand on the shoulder, a real kiss at the door, sitting on the same couch. He may want more and have stopped asking, or want it in a different form. Trade answers, because yours counts as much as his.
How are you feeling about your health, honestly?
Why ask it
He may be the kind who would sooner avoid the subject, and the doctor along with it. Don't diagnose or nag over dinner. Ask whether there is anything he has been putting off getting looked at, and offer to make the call or go along.
What do I get wrong about you?
Why ask it
After years together each of you carries a picture of the other, and parts of it are out of date. A good answer is specific: 'you think I don't care about the holidays', 'you assume I'm angry when I'm only quiet'. Update the picture and tell him you have.
If you could change one thing about our marriage, what would it be?
Why ask it
The classic hard question. Hold him to one thing, not a list, and don't argue with it tonight. Then give yours, and start work on whichever of the two is easier.
What's the one conversation you think we most need to have this year?
Why ask it
It hands him the choice of subject, and what he picks is what sits at the front of his mind. He may need time, so let him answer tomorrow. A late evening or a long stretch of highway suits it best.
How to ask these without it feeling like an interview
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Picking the moment
Not in the doorway
The first minutes after work are usually a poor time to ask anything, including how his day was. Give him time to change clothes, eat something or sit down. A question that gets 'fine' at 5:45 often gets a story at 7:30.
Try side by side instead of face to face
A drive, a walk, the dishes, the sideline at a kid's game. Many people talk more easily when they are doing something and not being looked at. Save the across-the-table questions for dinner out, when attention is the point.
One question an evening
This is a list to dip into, not to work through. Pick one from the Tonight group on a weeknight and stay with what he says. Three in a row starts to feel like a quiz, and he will answer it like one.
Give your own answer
Every question here works in both directions. Tell him what made you laugh today or what you are dreading this week, and keep it about as long as his answer. A husband who is only ever asked eventually feels examined. If you are the husband reading this, the list works just as well turned around.
Getting past 'fine'
Make the question smaller
'How was your day' asks him to summarize eight or ten hours, and 'fine' is the honest summary. Ask for one piece instead: one laugh, one annoyance, one person, lunch. A small question gets a specific answer, and specifics lead somewhere.
Offer choices
Several questions here come with options built in: company, quiet or a job to do; time, a joke or talking it through. Choices help a tired person, and they help anyone who finds it hard to say what he needs. He can pick one without composing a speech.
Follow up once, on his words
The second question matters more than the first, and it should come from something he said: 'what did she say to that?' or 'how long has that been going on?'. One follow-up shows interest. Five in a row is a cross-examination.
Let a pause sit
Some people answer slowly, and a silence of a few seconds usually means he is thinking, not refusing. Count to five before you rephrase or rescue him. The answer that comes after a pause tends to be the better one.
Ask before you fix
When he describes a problem, ask whether he wants ideas or wants to be heard. Advice he didn't ask for can sound like a verdict on how he handled it, and the next problem stays at work.
Which group for which evening
Tonight
Built for weeknights and for the first conversation after work. They are about the day that just happened, so nobody has to think hard, and any of them can replace 'how was your day' for good.
Fun
For dinner out, a long drive, or a night when the mood needs lifting. Nothing here has a wrong answer. Use them to remember that you married someone you like talking to.
About Him and Marriage
These ask for more thought, so give them unhurried time: a weekend morning, a walk, a dinner without the kids. Take one at a time, and trade answers on the Marriage ones so it never feels like a review of his performance.
Future
Best when neither of you is tired or worried about the week. Treat the answers as a first draft. Nobody is committing to a move or a career change by saying a wish out loud, and telling him so at the start makes him freer with his answers.
Harder
Ask these on a good day, never in the middle of an argument and never as a way of making a point. One per conversation is enough. If you already know you can't hear the answer calmly tonight, wait.
When the answer is hard to hear
Thank him first
If he tells you something uncomfortable, the first thing to say is thanks for telling you. How you take a hard answer decides whether you get another one next month.
Hold your side for a day
You may have a fair reply, and it will still be fair tomorrow. Answering a disclosure with a defense turns his honesty into an argument he lost. Ask one more question instead, and come back to your side later.
If he won't answer
'I don't know' and 'nothing' are allowed. Some questions need a few days, and some aren't for him at all. Let it go lightly, try a different one another night, and notice which kinds he does enjoy.
If the same worry keeps surfacing
When one subject, whether it is money, work, loneliness or his mood, comes up again and again and the two of you can't move it, that is useful to know. Some couples bring in a counselor, a pastor or a trusted older couple at that point. A list of questions is a way to start talking, and some conversations need more help than a list can give.