Questions to Ask Your Significant Other About Yourself
Questions to ask your significant other about yourself, for the evening you want to know what you are like to date, live with or be married to, told by the one person in a position to say. The 50 questions run in five groups, in the order that is easiest to answer: how you seemed at the start, what they love, what you are like at home, how you argue, and what they would change. None of them is worded for a he or a she, so they work on a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife or partner alike.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
At the start
What was your first impression of me, down to what I was wearing?
Why ask it
Most couples have told this as a story for other people, so ask for the parts the story leaves out: the room, the clothes, the first thing you said. If you met online there are two answers, one for the profile and one for the person who walked in.
Who was the first person you told about me, and what did you say?
Why ask it
What they said to a friend or a sibling is the unedited first review. If they can still quote it, ask how much of it they would say today.
Was there a moment you knew you loved me, and what was I doing?
Why ask it
Don't expect the big date. The moment is as likely to be you carrying their bag or laughing at your own joke, and which ordinary thing it was tells you what they fell for. If nobody has said 'love' yet, save this one.
Which of your early guesses about me turned out to be flat wrong?
Why ask it
A wrong guess shows what you were projecting back then without meaning to: more confident than you felt, less serious than you are. Trade yours about them right after, so it stays a game.
What did you have to get used to about me?
Why ask it
Everybody arrives with something: the volume, the lateness, the family group chat that never sleeps. Ask whether they have come to like it or are still putting up with it, since those are different answers.
What was I trying to hide when we met that you saw straight through?
Why ask it
The usual candidates are nerves, a bad week, or how much you liked them. It is oddly comforting to learn the act never worked and they stayed anyway.
What is the earliest thing I did for you that you still remember?
Why ask it
Expect something small and practical, such as a charger lent on a train or soup when they had a cold. Whatever it is, ask yourself when you last did anything like it.
In what way am I easier to be with now than in our first year, and in what way harder?
Why ask it
Asking for both halves gets a fairer answer than 'have I changed', which invites a polite no. Notice which half they answer faster. Under a year in, make it 'our first month'.
What you love
What is your favorite thing about me right now, and is it the same one as when we met?
Why ask it
'Right now' stops them reaching for the answer they have given since the beginning. If the favorite has changed, ask when they noticed the switch.
Which one word would you use for me that I would never use for myself?
Why ask it
The word tends to be kinder than your own list: steady, brave, gentle. Don't argue with it. Ask for the occasion that put it in their head.
Which of the things I do for you actually feels like love to you?
Why ask it
It is easy to give the kind of care you would want yourself, so the effort you are proudest of may not be the one that registers. If the birthday surprise mattered less than the packed lunch, you have been told where to put the effort.
What do I do without thinking that you would miss if I stopped?
Why ask it
This turns up the habits you don't count as gestures, like warming the car or texting when you land. Once you know which one it is, make no show of it and keep doing it.
What do I do better than anyone else you know?
Why ask it
The answer is often a small domestic talent: packing a car trunk, calming a crying nephew, knowing when to leave a party. It is a ranking against everyone they know, so even a silly answer is high praise.
What do you say about me when you're bragging a little?
Why ask it
You are never in the room for this, so it is news. What a partner chooses to boast about, whether your cooking, your patience or how you handled a bad boss, is what they are proudest to be attached to.
When do you find me most attractive: dressed up, or busy with something and not thinking about it?
Why ask it
The either-or steers them away from a feature and toward a moment. If they pick the second, ask what you were busy with, and expect to be surprised that anyone was watching.
What picture of me do you carry in your head when we're apart?
Why ask it
It asks for a single image, so they have to choose. Good for a long-distance call or a work trip, and worth repeating in a few years to see whether the picture has been replaced.
When did you last feel looked after by me, and what had I done?
Why ask it
A quick, recent answer is good news. If they have to go back months, skip the apology and ask what would have counted last week.
Which quality of mine do you wish you had yourself?
Why ask it
Envy is a compliment a partner rarely gets around to paying. It also points at a difference between you that they value, which is handy to remember the next time that same difference causes friction.
What is my best quality as a partner, which may not be my best quality as a person?
Why ask it
The distinction matters: you can be funny, clever and hardworking and none of it be what makes you good to be with. Listen for words like reliable, calm or fair, which are about how you treat someone and not how you perform.
Living with me
What is the most annoying thing I do in an ordinary week?
Why ask it
Limiting it to an ordinary week gets you the alarm snoozed four times or the shoes in the hallway, and not a review of your character. Laugh before you reply, because how you take this one decides how honest they will be further down.
How is morning me different from evening me?
Why ask it
They see both ends of your day and you only feel them from the inside. If one version is clearly harder to be around, ask what would help in that hour: quiet, coffee, or being left alone.
When we watch something together, am I a talker, a scroller, or asleep by the second episode?
Why ask it
Sharing a screen is one piece of living together that couples in separate homes do too, so nobody has to skip this. Ask which series they have given up watching with you, and whether you could win it back.
What am I like when I'm sick?
Why ask it
There are stoics who collapse without warning and patients who need a bell. You will be teased first. Then find out what they would like next time, which is often just being told what you need.
What am I like as a passenger when you're driving?
Why ask it
A car is a small room with nowhere to go, so manners show. Pressing an imaginary brake, giving directions nobody asked for, or falling asleep in two minutes: each says something about how easily you hand over control.
What do I believe I do around the house that you actually do?
Why ask it
It is easy to overcount your own share, because you remember your turns and never watch theirs. Skip the debate about who is right and offer to take that job over for a month.
What do I say I'll do later most often, and how often does later come?
Why ask it
They will have a specific item: the shelf, the phone call to the landlord, the form. Do that one thing within the week and it will say more than anything you reply tonight.
How am I with money from where you sit: careful, careless or vague?
Why ask it
Three options keep it from sounding like an audit. If the answer is 'vague', what they may be asking for is to hear about spending before it happens, which is an easy thing to agree to.
Which habit of mine did you stop bringing up because it wasn't worth the argument?
Why ask it
A habit they have gone quiet about is either one they have accepted or one they resent in silence, and you cannot tell which without asking. Promise not to defend it before they answer, and keep the promise.
When you bring me a problem, do I listen or do I start fixing it?
Why ask it
'Fixing' is no insult, since the fixer usually believes they are helping. Ask about the last time you got it right and what you did: sat down, put the phone away, asked one question and stopped.
How am I different around your family from how I am around mine?
Why ask it
They have watched you in both rooms, a comparison you cannot make yourself. You may hear that you are politer and less funny with their side, or that you turn fifteen again at your parents' table. Ask which version they would rather sit next to.
When we argue
What is the first sign that I'm getting annoyed, the one I don't know I give off?
Why ask it
It might be your jaw, a certain sigh, or the moment you start using their full name. If they can spot it before you can, agree that they may point it out early, and that you will not snap at them for it.
Do I argue to sort it out or to win?
Why ask it
Put this to them on a calm day and accept the first answer. If it is 'to win', the useful follow-up is which move gives it away: keeping score, raising your voice, or needing the last word.
What do I say in an argument that sounds reasonable to me and lands badly on you?
Why ask it
Likely suspects are 'calm down', 'you always' and 'I was only joking'. One sentence is enough: retire it and see whether the next disagreement goes differently.
When I'm hurt, what does it look like from the outside?
Why ask it
Hurt can come out dressed as something else: sarcasm, busyness, a very tidy kitchen. If they have been reading it as anger or indifference, this clears up a misunderstanding that may be years old.
After a fight, do I come back too soon, too late or about right?
Why ask it
Some people want to talk it through within the hour and some need a night, and plenty of couples are one of each. Their answer gives you a waiting time, which beats guessing at one.
Do I drag old arguments into new ones?
Why ask it
A yes-or-no they can answer fast. If it is a yes, find out which old one keeps returning, because that is probably the one that never got finished.
What do my apologies usually leave out?
Why ask it
An apology can skip naming what you did, skip the change afterwards, or arrive with a 'but' on the end. Whichever they pick, try the fuller version on the next small thing, when little is riding on it.
How do I take it when you tell me no?
Why ask it
Think of a no to a plan, a purchase, a visit or an evening out. A partner who has learned to soften or delay a no is showing you what it costs to say it straight, so ask whether they ever do that with you.
Is there a subject you avoid raising with me because of how I react?
Why ask it
The most important question in this group, and the hardest to hear well. Don't go after the subject and the full discussion in one sitting: thank them for naming it and pick a day to come back to it.
Can you think of a disagreement I handled well, and what did I do that time?
Why ask it
Finish the arguments here. It leaves you with a working example from your own behavior, and repeating something you have already done once is easier than obeying a list of things to stop.
What to change
What is one thing I could change this month that would make your life easier?
Why ask it
'This month' and 'one thing' keep the answer small enough to act on. Do not bargain it down. If you can't do it, say so and ask for their second choice.
What have I promised to work on so often that you've stopped believing it?
Why ask it
Uncomfortable, because they will be right. Resist making the promise again tonight. Ask what a first visible step would look like to them, and take that one.
Is there anything I ask of you that I don't do myself?
Why ask it
Double standards are invisible from the inside: you expect a text when they are late, or tidiness, or patience with your family. One example is plenty, and the fair response is 'you're right'.
What do I take for granted about you?
Why ask it
Often it is work nobody sees, like remembering birthdays, keeping the peace with relatives or being the one who stays calm. Thank them for that specific thing within a day or two, unprompted.
What do I do in front of other people that you wish I wouldn't?
Why ask it
Typical answers are interrupting their stories, telling the embarrassing one, or going quiet at their work events. Once named it is simple to fix, and they may have been bracing for it at every dinner for a year.
Which part of yourself do you turn down when you're around me?
Why ask it
They might say the loud side, the ambitious side, the silly side or the worried one. Whichever it is, ask what you do that makes it feel unwelcome, and listen without rushing to reassure.
Which of my faults costs you the most, even if it isn't my worst one?
Why ask it
Your worst trait and the one that weighs on them can be different things. This asks about the price they pay, which keeps the answer on the two of you and off your character in general.
What should I start doing, stop doing and keep doing?
Why ask it
Borrowed from the way work teams review a project, and it suits a couple because the 'keep' is built in. Take one item from each, write them down, and look at the list again in a month.
What were you hoping I'd ask tonight that I haven't?
Why ask it
Every list misses the thing that matters in your particular home. This hands them the pen, and the question they supply is likely the one they most want answered.
After all of that, what is the best part of knowing me this well?
Why ask it
Close with it. The last stretch was about faults, and both of you should leave the conversation remembering that those faults belong to someone they chose.
How to ask a partner about yourself, and what to do with the answers
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Match the questions to how long you have been together
The first few months
Most of the list is early for a new couple. They have not yet seen you ill, short of money or losing an argument, so half of these would get 'I don't know yet'. At the start still works, with the beginning only weeks old, and so does What you love.
Once you share a home
Living with me is written for this stage, and it goes best while you are both busy with something in the home it describes. Expect the answers to arrive as teasing. The teasing is accurate, so listen to it.
Many years in, or married
A long-term partner has stock answers, worn smooth by repetition, and will hand you one unless the question blocks it. That is why several here say 'right now', 'this month' or 'in our first year'. The first group changes character too: it becomes a comparison between the person they met and the person across the table.
Two homes or two cities
Skip the housework question, or answer it about trips and visits. The ones about screens, cars, being ill and money apply to anyone who has spent a full week in your company. By message, send only the first two groups, and keep arguments and change for a call, where your voice can do some of the work.
Just after a rough patch
Wait. In the week after a serious fight, When we argue sounds like reopening the case and What to change sounds like asking for the charges to be read out. Come back to those groups after a few easy weeks, and begin that evening with something from What you love.
Asking so that you get the true version
Hand them the list
Let your partner scroll the page and pick the five they would most like to answer. What they choose tells you something before a word is said, and nobody feels ambushed by a question they picked themselves.
Say your own guess first
Before a hard one, tell them what you expect to hear: 'I think you'll say my lateness'. You have now said the unflattering thing yourself, which makes it cheap for them to agree, or to correct you with the real answer.
Ask about a time, not a trait
'Am I selfish?' can only be answered politely. 'When did I last put myself first in a way you noticed?' can be answered truthfully, with a day and a place attached. If any question on the list comes back vague, ask for the last time it happened.
Light groups anywhere, hard groups at home
The first three groups suit a walk, a checkout line or a long drive. The last two do not belong in a car with two hours still to go or at a restaurant table, because either of you may need to stop and leave the room for a while. Ask those where a break is easy to take.
Five is an evening
A whole page of verdicts on someone you love is too much for one sitting, for the person giving them as much as for you. Take a handful, let each run as long as it wants to, and leave the list alone for a week.
What to do with each kind of answer
When it is praise
Say thank you and let it stand. Turning a compliment into a joke tells them it missed. What they name in the second group is also your list of things to protect once you start changing others.
When it is teasing
Join in. Their impression of you as a passenger or a patient is how they find out whether the truth is welcome tonight, and a sulk over the small answers closes off the last two groups.
When it is a complaint
'Thank you' and 'when did you last see that?' are the only two replies you need. You will remember some of it differently, and that is beside the point: the question was how it looks from where they stand. A complaint you asked for and then quote in the next fight is the last one you will be given.
When you want to argue with it
You may be certain they have the facts wrong. Write the objection down and read it again in two days. If it still matters then, raise it as its own conversation and not as a reply to an answer you requested.
When the room goes quiet
A long pause after a hard question is them choosing words that are true and kind at once. Wait it out. Filling the gap with 'never mind' or a joke tells them the question was not serious.
When it is bigger than the question
Now and then a question about the dishes opens onto something larger: they don't feel able to disagree with you, or they have been unhappy for a while. One evening will not settle that. Thank them, agree on a day to talk properly, and if the two of you get stuck, a couples counselor is one place to take it.
The week after, and the year after
Do one thing they can see
Choose one answer and act on it inside a week: put up the shelf, take over the job you thought you were already doing, retire the sentence that lands badly. A single change kept up for a month says more than a promise covering everything you heard.
Offer them a turn
Ask whether they would like to hear these answers about themselves, and accept a no. Some people want their turn that night, some in a month, and some would prefer not to know.
If they would rather not do this at all
Some partners find being asked to review you uncomfortable, however kindly it is put. Do not press. Try a single light question on another day, or drop the idea: a refusal to play is not an answer to any of the questions.
Come back to the same ones
The questions that say 'right now' or 'this month' are meant to be asked more than once. Put the same handful to your partner a year on and compare the two sets of answers. A favorite thing that has changed is good news, and so is an annoying habit that has dropped off their list.