Questions to Ask Your Girlfriend About Yourself
Questions to ask your girlfriend about yourself, for when you want to know how you look from her side: what she thought when you met, what she likes, which habits she has stopped mentioning and what you are like to be with. The five groups run from easy to exposed, so the first two warm you both up for the honest ones at the end. The note under each one says what a reassuring answer and a worrying one tend to sound like, and how to hear either without arguing.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
First impressions
What was your first impression of me, and what did you get wrong?
Why ask it
Start here: it is easy to answer, and she may already tell it as a story. The best versions come with a detail, like what you were wearing or the first thing you said. If she had you down as cocky or not interested, ask what she saw you do, which may well have been nerves.
When did you first know you liked me?
Why ask it
The moment she names is rarely one where you were trying to impress her. It tends to be small, like how you spoke to a waiter or a text you sent the next morning. 'It crept up on me' is a fine answer too: ask what she noticed first.
What three words fit me best, and which one would you not have picked when we met?
Why ask it
Give her a minute to settle on the three. The word she would not have used when you met is her report on how you have changed, for better or worse. If all three are compliments, ask which one she'd swap out on a bad day.
What almost put you off me in the beginning?
Why ask it
Nearly everyone has one: the shoes, the profile photo, how much you talked about work. It stings less than you'd expect, because the story ends with her staying. If she names something you still do, don't defend it tonight. Just remember it.
What were you thinking on the way home from our first date?
Why ask it
You were not there for this part, which is why it's worth asking about. Listen for whether she was excited, unsure or already typing a message to a friend. If she nearly said no to a second date, laugh about it and ask what tipped it.
What surprised you most once you got to know me properly?
Why ask it
A surprise marks the gap between the person you present and the person you are at home. Good surprises sound like 'you're softer than you act'. If the surprise was a letdown, such as a temper or a messy side you hid early on, hear it out and don't explain it away.
What did your friends or family say about me after they first met me?
Why ask it
She will give you the edited version first, so ask for the one comment she didn't pass on at the time. Treat it as an old first impression, not a standing verdict, and never raise it with the person who said it.
How do you describe me to people who haven't met me yet?
Why ask it
What she leads with is what she thinks matters most about you: the job, the sense of humor, how you are with her family. A description that is all facts and no character is worth a gentle follow-up: 'and what do you say I'm like?'
What she likes
What is your favorite thing about me that has nothing to do with how I look?
Why ask it
Ruling out looks pushes her past the easy compliment toward something you do: how you handle a bad day, the questions you ask, the way you are with kids or animals. Whatever she names, that is the thing to protect when life gets busy.
What do you find most attractive about me?
Why ask it
Expect something you have never counted, like your hands on a steering wheel, your voice on the phone or your face when you're concentrating. Say thank you and don't turn it into a joke. A compliment that gets laughed off is less likely to be offered a second time.
When am I funniest: when I'm trying to be, or when I'm not?
Why ask it
The usual verdict is 'when you're not', followed by a story you had forgotten. Enjoy it. If she says your deliberate jokes land too, ask which kind, because the teasing you think is charming may be the kind she puts up with.
What do you like watching me do?
Why ask it
The answer is usually you absorbed in something: cooking, fixing a bike, explaining a subject you love, playing with a niece. It shows which version of you she is most drawn to, and it's a hint to let her see that one more often than the one on the couch.
Which memory of me do you replay most often?
Why ask it
It asks about you and not about the two of you, so she has to choose a scene where you were the one being watched. Often it's a moment you thought nothing of: asleep on a train, dancing badly in the kitchen. Ask what was going through her head.
What do other people like about me that I don't seem to notice?
Why ask it
She watches how a room reacts to you from a seat you never get to sit in. You may hear that her friends find you easy to talk to, or that her dad likes being asked about his garden. Believe it the first time instead of asking her to prove it.
When were you last proud to be with me?
Why ask it
A good answer names an occasion, like how you handled a rude relative or a toast you gave, and it comes from this year. If she has to reach back a long way, don't sulk: ask what kind of thing gives her that feeling.
What do you think I could pull off that I keep talking myself out of?
Why ask it
She has heard you describe the course, the career change or the half-marathon and then list the reasons not to. Her pick shows which of those reasons she thinks is fear talking. You don't have to sign up for anything: ask what she has seen you do that makes her so sure.
What song, movie or place makes you think of me?
Why ask it
An easy one for a text or a long drive. The reason matters more than the title, so ask for it: a song from your first month together means something different from one she says is your whole personality in three minutes. Then put it on.
If you had ten dollars to buy me the perfect present, what would you get?
Why ask it
A small budget rules out the watch and the weekend away and leaves only how well she knows you: the exact snack, the pen you keep losing, a plant for your desk. A right answer is to her credit, so tell her. Then answer it about her and see how you do.
Habits
How would you know it was me coming through the door without looking up?
Why ask it
The keys, the bag hitting the floor, the sigh before hello: she will have an answer ready. It is the fond way into a group that gets less comfortable, and it shows how closely she has been listening. Ask her to do the impression.
What is my most annoying habit, the one you've given up mentioning?
Why ask it
'Given up mentioning' is the important part: a habit she no longer raises hasn't stopped bothering her, she has stopped expecting a change. Wet towels, lateness and cupboard doors left open are the usual suspects. Don't trade it for one of hers. Quietly fix it for two weeks instead.
What do I do when I think nobody is watching?
Why ask it
She has seen you narrate to the dog, rehearse an argument in the shower or check your reflection in a shop window. It is meant to be funny, so let it be. Being known this well by someone who is still here is the whole reward.
How do you know when I'm pretending to like something?
Why ask it
The polite lie has probably never worked on her. She can do the face you make at a present you don't want, along with the too-quick 'no, it's great'. Now that you both know, agree to retire it.
Which version of me is the most work: tired, hungry, sick or losing at something?
Why ask it
Four options make it a game, and she will answer within a second. Ask what you actually do in that state, since 'you go silent' and 'you snap' call for different fixes. Then it's her turn to admit which one is hers.
What am I like to be around when I'm stressed?
Why ask it
You know how stress feels from the inside, and she knows what it looks like from across the room. 'You get quiet and I give you an hour' is a healthy answer. If she says she tiptoes around you or takes the blame for your mood, that is the most important thing you will hear tonight.
How do I act when I know I'm wrong but haven't admitted it yet?
Why ask it
Hearing your own routine described is funny and a little humbling: the sudden interest in a side detail, the louder voice, the long trip to the kitchen. The next time you catch yourself halfway through it, take that as your cue to concede.
Am I on my phone too much when we're together?
Why ask it
A yes-or-no question on purpose, so she doesn't have to build a case. If it's a yes, ask when it bothers her most: at meals, in bed, halfway through a story. Skip the account of what you were doing on it, and keep the phone out of the one setting she names.
What do I do around the house that you quietly redo?
Why ask it
Her answer might be the dishwasher, the bed or the way you fold towels. If you don't live together, ask about plans and bookings instead. It is a small confession for her and a small sting for you. Ask her to show you her way once, then decide together whether it matters.
Am I different around your friends from how I am when it's only us?
Why ask it
Some people get louder in company and some go mute, and a partner notices either one. If she prefers the at-home version, ask what would help that person turn up at her friend's birthday. The worrying answer is that you make jokes at her expense in front of people. If you hear that one, stop.
As a partner
What do I do that makes you feel loved, and what do I try that doesn't land?
Why ask it
The misses are the reason to ask. You may learn that the flowers do little and a full tank of gas does a lot. Don't be hurt about it: your effort was going to the wrong place, and now it can go to the right one.
Do you feel heard when you tell me about your day, or do I jump in with advice?
Why ask it
If the answer is 'advice', ask her for a signal she can give when she only wants company. A good sign is that she laughs and says you've gotten better at it. A flat 'I've stopped telling you things' needs a slower conversation than this list can give you.
Do you feel like a priority to me, or like something I fit in around everything else?
Why ask it
Ask which week she is thinking of, since the feeling usually comes from a specific stretch: a work deadline, a sports season, a run of nights out with your friends. 'Mostly a priority' is a good answer. If it's the other one, a promise of more time in general won't help. Put one fixed evening on the calendar.
Do I do my share of the planning, or do you carry the calendar for both of us?
Why ask it
Dates, birthdays, bookings, remembering that her sister is visiting: someone holds all of that, and it is often one person. If she says it's her, skip the defense and take over one whole category, start to finish, without being reminded.
Am I as romantic as I think I am?
Why ask it
Keep it light and you'll get a truer answer than 'am I romantic enough' would. If she laughs for a little too long, ask what the last romantic thing you did was and how long ago. Then ask what counts for her, because her idea of it may be far smaller and cheaper than yours.
What did I do in our first few months that I've let slide?
Why ask it
Good-morning texts, planning actual dates, asking about her day and waiting for the answer: she will have a list ready. Most of it costs ten minutes. Bring one item back this week without announcing it.
Have I changed since we got together, and was it for the better?
Why ask it
Easier to answer after a year than after a month. Take 'calmer' or 'better at saying what you want' as the compliment it is. If she misses something, such as how often you used to laugh or see your friends, ask when she noticed it going.
When you get good news, am I the first person you want to tell?
Why ask it
Good news tends to go to whoever gets excited about it. If you are not her first call, ask what you do when she shares something: match her mood, raise a practical worry, or glance back at a screen. The answer to hope for is a plain 'yes, always'.
How am I with your family, and what should I do differently on the next visit?
Why ask it
She knows their rules and you are guessing at them. The advice tends to be practical: talk to her grandmother more, don't argue with her uncle about the news, offer to clear the table. Take it as coaching from someone who wants them to like you.
What do I do in an argument that makes it harder to sort out?
Why ask it
Save this for a quiet weekend morning. An hour after a fight, it reads as round two. Likely answers are walking off, digging up old cases, going cold or needing the last word. Agree with the description if it's accurate, and ask what she would like you to do in that moment instead.
How long does it take me to say sorry, and is the apology any good when it comes?
Why ask it
Two measurements, speed and quality. Some people apologize fast and change nothing, and others take three days and mean it. If she says your sorry tends to arrive with an explanation attached, the fix is short: say the sorry and stop.
What do I bring out in you that nobody else does, good or bad?
Why ask it
A question about you, answered through her. The good version is 'I'm sillier' or 'I'm braver about work'. If she says she is more anxious or more careful around you, ask when that started and what was going on then, and don't argue with her timeline.
Honest
What would you tell someone who was about to start dating me?
Why ask it
Half reference letter, half safety briefing, and a gentle first step into the honest group. Notice the order: if the advice comes before the praise, the advice is what is on her mind. 'Feed them before any serious conversation' is a loving answer. 'Don't expect them to open up' is one to ask more about.
If you could snap your fingers and change one thing about me, what would it be?
Why ask it
The snap of the fingers takes the effort out, so she can answer without asking you to do any work. Small answers (the snoring, the driving) mean things are in decent shape. A big one, like your temper or how little you share, deserves 'tell me more' and no rebuttal.
What do you think my biggest flaw is, and how does it show up between us?
Why ask it
The second half keeps it from turning into a character assessment. 'You're stubborn' is hard to use. 'You're stubborn, so I've stopped suggesting restaurants' gives you something to fix. If she won't name one, lower the stakes and ask for a medium-sized flaw.
What do you think I'm most insecure about, and do I hide it as well as I think?
Why ask it
She almost certainly knows, and has been careful around it. Hearing her name it kindly can take some of the weight out of it. If her guess is wrong, tell her the real one: a question about yourself is allowed to end with you saying something true.
Have I hurt your feelings lately without noticing?
Why ask it
'Lately' keeps it to something small and recent, which makes it answerable. Expect a joke that landed wrong or a plan you forgot. Apologize for how it felt to her and leave out what you meant by it. If she says no, ask again in a month, since a first no is sometimes politeness.
Do I ever get jealous in a way that bothers you?
Why ask it
A little jealousy that you can both laugh about is ordinary. What you are listening for is whether she edits her plans, her clothes or what she tells you in order to keep you calm. If she does, the work is yours to do, and thanking her for saying so is where it starts.
Can you be fully yourself around me, or is there a version you save for other people?
Why ask it
A quick 'of course' is good news. If she hesitates, ask what the other version does that this one doesn't: swears more, cries more, talks about work for an hour. Then ask how you reacted the last time that side came out, since that may be where the editing started.
What do you need from me that you haven't asked for?
Why ask it
People stop asking when they expect a no or don't want to seem demanding, so leave a long pause after this one. Whether it's more notice before plans change, more affection in public or more quiet, say what you can do and be honest about what you can't.
What worries you about me that you keep to yourself?
Why ask it
A partner sees your health, your job, your sleep and the friend she doesn't trust from close up, and often keeps quiet to avoid nagging. You don't have to agree. You do have to let her finish, and 'I didn't know you'd noticed' is a good first reply.
What is the one thing about me you hope never changes?
Why ask it
End on this. The last few questions were all about faults, and here she gets to name what she would keep, with you hearing it last. Write it down somewhere. It's also a good thing to tell her in return before the two of you go and do something else.
How to ask her, and how to take what she says
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Setting it up
Say what brought this on
Asked cold, 'what do you really think of me?' sounds like a test, and she may wonder whether she is in trouble or you are about to end things. Give her the plain version: you found a list, you're curious how you look from where she sits, and she can pass on any question. Then she can relax and answer.
Give her somewhere else to look
A walk, a long drive or cooking together works better than two chairs and a list, because she can think without being watched. Skip the hour after a disagreement, a night when either of you is worn out, and any room with friends in it. The Honest group in particular needs a day when you are in a good enough mood to hear something unwelcome.
Earn the hard ones
The groups run from easy to exposed for a reason. How you take the story of what nearly put her off on the first date tells her whether it is safe to answer the questions under As a partner and Honest. Take one or two from each group, in order, and let the rest keep for another evening.
A few weeks in
Keep to First impressions and What she likes. She doesn't yet have the evidence for the partner questions, and asking a new girlfriend to list your flaws puts her in an awkward spot.
If it's a boyfriend you're asking
Nothing on the page depends on who is asking or who is answering. Read 'he' for 'she' in the notes and the same questions work on a boyfriend, a husband or a wife.
What turns it into an argument
Explaining yourself
The reflex after a hard answer is to supply the reason: you were tired, it was a joke, she misread it. To her that sounds like the answer being overruled. Say 'okay' or 'thanks for telling me', ask for one example, and keep your own account of last Tuesday for another day.
Sending it back
'Well, you do it too' may even be true, and it still ends the conversation. Her turn to be asked about comes later, when she chooses to take it.
Asking for a verdict
'Am I a good partner?' has one polite answer, and you will get it. The questions here ask what you do and when, which she can answer truthfully without passing sentence on you. If you notice that what you want tonight is reassurance, stop at the What she likes group.
Waving off the kind answers
It is easy to dwell on the one hard answer and shrug at the five kind ones. She means those too, and a shrug tells her they don't count.
Going silent
If something hurts, say 'that one stung a bit, give me a minute', and take the minute. She can't tell a thinking silence from a punishing one unless you say which it is, and sudden cheerfulness is no easier to read.
Formats that suit two people
Trade places
You ask one about yourself, then she picks one from the list to ask about herself. It stops being a review of one person, and it is easier for her to be frank when she knows you will be in the same seat a minute later.
One a night
Keep the list on your phone and ask a single question over dinner for a week. Small doses suit Habits and As a partner, where one answer is plenty to think about.
By text, when you're apart
The first two groups travel well by message, and she can send the song or the photo she means. Keep the Honest group for a call, where you can hear her tone and she can hear yours.
The two-pens quiz
Pick five of the lighter ones, such as the three words, the ten-dollar present and the version of you that is the most work. She writes her answer, you write what you think she'll say, and you compare. One point for each match, and whoever scores lower cooks. Where you wrote 'my lateness' and she wrote something else entirely, you have found a blind spot.
The week after
Change one thing where she can see it
Choose a single answer and act on it within the week: the phone off the table, one category of the calendar, the morning text. One visible change shows the conversation was worth having. A promise to change everything shows nothing.
Her answers are not evidence
What she told you because you asked stays out of later fights. 'You said yourself I'm stubborn' will make this the last time she answers.
Give it a rest
Once is curiosity. Asking every week whether she still likes you becomes a need for reassurance that she has to manage. Leave a few months before you run the Honest group again.
Ask if she wants a turn
Ask whether she would like to hear your answers about her, and let her say 'not tonight'. If she says yes, start with what you like before anything else.
When an answer was bigger than a habit
Some answers are not about towels: that she tiptoes around your moods, edits what she tells you, or has stopped bringing you her news. One changed habit won't cover that. Tell her you heard it, and set a day to talk about it properly once you've both had time to think.