Questions to Ask a Funeral Director
Twenty questions for the arrangement conversation with a funeral director, whether you are making plans after a death or thinking ahead. They cover the price list, which costs are the home's and which are passed through, what the law requires as against what is offered, timing for remains and certificates, paperwork that stays with the family, and payment. Written to be read quickly, at a point when reading anything is difficult.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What has to be decided today, and what can wait until tomorrow?
Why ask it
Very little is genuinely urgent. Usually the only immediate matters are where the body will rest and, if relevant, authorizing cremation. Asking the question slows the pace and leaves room to speak with family before anything is signed.
Can I take a copy of your general price list away with me?
Why ask it
In the United States the Funeral Rule requires a funeral home to give you an itemized price list when you ask in person, and to quote prices by telephone. Reading it away from the office is the single most useful step available to you, because it makes comparison possible.
What is in your basic services fee, and is it charged whatever we choose?
Why ask it
Most homes have one fee that cannot be declined, covering overheads and coordination. Knowing what it includes, and that it applies even to the simplest arrangement, is what makes the rest of the figures on the page legible.
Which of these things are required by law here, and which are your own policy?
Why ask it
Requirements differ by state and country, and local custom or company preference is sometimes described as law. Asking separates the two, and a straightforward answer is a reasonable indicator of how the rest of the conversation will go.
Can you write out a total for what you are recommending, including cash advances and third party costs?
Why ask it
Cemetery and crematorium charges, clergy, notices, and certificates are often left off a first estimate because the home only passes them on. A written total that includes them is the only figure worth comparing or budgeting against.
What is the simplest option you offer, and what does it include?
Why ask it
Every funeral home has a minimum, though it is not always mentioned unprompted. Asking for it gives you the floor price, which turns everything above it into a visible choice rather than an assumed standard.
Is embalming needed for what we are planning, and why?
Why ask it
Embalming is seldom required by law, and in the United States it cannot be required for a direct cremation or an immediate burial. It is sometimes advised for a public viewing or a delay. A clear reason specific to your situation is fair to expect.
Can we supply our own casket or urn, and would that change what you charge us?
Why ask it
You may buy a casket or urn elsewhere, and in the United States a funeral home cannot add a handling fee for accepting one. The casket is often the largest single item, and prices for very similar ones vary a great deal.
How much of this could we do ourselves?
Why ask it
Families can often do more than they are offered: dressing, carrying, choosing the music, hosting the gathering at home, and in some places transport. It lowers cost, and for some people taking part makes the following weeks easier to bear.
When can we see them, and can we have time alone?
Why ask it
This matters to more families than raise it, and it is easy to forget to ask in a first meeting. There is usually more flexibility about time in the room, and about who may come in, than a printed schedule suggests.
Where will they be until the funeral, and who will be looking after them?
Why ask it
Bodies are sometimes moved to a shared refrigeration or preparation facility, occasionally at another address. Asking is entirely reasonable, and a home that answers plainly, and will show you where its care takes place, is telling you something worth knowing.
How long until we receive the cremated remains and the death certificates, and how many copies should we order?
Why ask it
Ashes commonly take a week or two. Certificates depend on the doctor and the registrar rather than the home. Order more certified copies than feels necessary, since banks, insurers, and pension providers each keep their own and later requests take longer.
What paperwork do you file, and what is left to us?
Why ask it
Registration, permits, and notifications differ by jurisdiction, and some can only be signed by a family member. Knowing what stays with you prevents a missed deadline in the week you are least able to chase anything.
Can the service be held somewhere else, and can we lead it ourselves?
Why ask it
A service can often take place in a church, a hall, a garden, or at the graveside, with or without a paid officiant. Homes differ widely in how readily they support that, and the answer tells you whether you are hiring help or buying a package.
Can you accommodate our religious or cultural requirements, and when did you last do it?
Why ask it
Name the requirement and ask about the last time rather than the general policy. Washing rites, burial within a day, an open casket, particular dress, and prayer times all make real demands on scheduling. A frank answer about limits is more use than a willing one that fails on the day.
If the death happened away from home, what does bringing them back involve and cost?
Why ask it
Transfer between states or countries involves documentation, a second funeral home at the other end, and airline requirements, and the cost is substantial. Ask for the whole route priced in writing rather than agreeing to it in stages.
What do we pay, and when? Will you accept an insurance assignment or a payment plan?
Why ask it
Many homes expect payment before the service, which catches families out. Ask about assignment of a life policy, instalments, and any local assistance. Saying plainly that money is limited changes what gets offered, and directors deal with this constantly.
Are there any benefits or assistance we should be applying for?
Why ask it
Entitlements depend on where you live and on the person's history: military service, employment, pension schemes, social insurance, low-income support. Directors usually know the local landscape well, and some claim windows are short.
If we change our minds tomorrow, what can still be altered?
Why ask it
Arrangements get made quickly, often by one person on behalf of many. Knowing what has already been ordered or paid for, and what remains open, avoids a second painful conversation once the rest of the family has arrived.
If we wanted to plan ahead, how is prepaid money held?
Why ask it
Protection varies: some funds sit in trust, some buy an insurance policy, and terms on refunds, transfers, and price guarantees differ. Ask what happens if the business closes or changes hands, and keep the answer in writing with the paperwork.
Making the arrangements
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
The first day or two
- Take someone with you who is not as close to the death as you are. Their job is to write down numbers, ask the awkward question about cost, and remember what was said.
- You can leave the meeting and come back. Nothing needs to be signed in a first conversation, and a home that suggests otherwise is worth reconsidering.
- Decide who the single point of contact will be before you go in. Arrangements made by three people in parallel is how families end up with two coffins ordered and a dispute afterwards.
- If the person left written wishes, a prepaid plan, or a donor registration, bring the documents rather than a summary of them.
Understanding the money
- Telephone two or three other homes and ask for the price of the same arrangement. Prices for identical services vary widely between businesses a few miles apart, and the call takes ten minutes.
- Keep the home's own fees separate from what it passes on. Cemetery plots, crematorium charges, certificates, and notices are set by other bodies and cannot be discounted by the director.
- Ask the price of every item as you choose it rather than at the end. Selection rooms are usually arranged with the more expensive options at eye level and the plainest ones out of the way.
- Say your figure out loud. Directors work within budgets every week, and a stated limit gets you a different set of suggestions than a vague one.
- Nothing about the sum spent measures what the person meant to you. Families who chose a small, plain funeral rarely regret it, and debt taken on in the first week is felt for years.
Where you stand
In the United States the Federal Trade Commission's Funeral Rule gives you specific protections: prices over the telephone, an itemized general price list when you visit, the right to buy only the goods and services you want, no handling fee for a casket bought elsewhere, and no requirement to embalm for a direct cremation or immediate burial. If you believe a home is not following it, the complaint goes to the Federal Trade Commission. Outside the United States the rules differ, and the equivalent protections usually sit with a national regulator or an industry body, so it is worth asking the home which one covers them and looking it up. Wherever you are, ask for everything in writing before you sign, and keep the itemized statement of what you agreed.
Looking after yourselves through it
- Expect to be worse at decisions than usual. Sleep, food, and one delegated person to answer the phone will do more for the quality of these choices than any amount of research.
- Let people help with specific tasks rather than in general: collecting a relative from the airport, printing an order of service, sitting with the house during the funeral.
- Ask the home what happens after the funeral. Many keep in touch, hold memorial gatherings, or can point you to local bereavement support, and the difficult weeks usually come later than people expect.
- If you are dealing with a death that involved a coroner, an inquest, or an ongoing investigation, ask the director how that changes the timing. They deal with it regularly and can explain the delay better than most.