Questions to Ask a Rabbi
Questions for a conversation with a rabbi, whether you are new to Judaism, returning to it, marrying into it, or considering conversion. Covers practice, belief, joining a community, and the harder disagreements.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What kind of congregation is this, and how is it different from others nearby?
Why ask it
Start here, because almost every later answer depends on it. Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist, and Renewal communities differ on liturgy, the role of women, who counts as Jewish, and how binding Jewish law is taken to be. A rabbi describing the differences fairly is a good sign about everything else.
What happens if I just turn up on a Friday night, and what should I expect?
Why ask it
The practical question people are too self-conscious to ask. You want the length of the service, whether there is a meal afterwards, what to wear, whether a head covering is expected or provided, whether anyone will speak to you, and whether you need to tell someone you are coming.
I cannot read Hebrew. Will I be lost?
Why ask it
The honest answer varies a lot: some services run largely in Hebrew with little announcement of pages, others move between languages and guide newcomers through. Ask whether transliteration is available, since that single detail decides whether an hour is welcoming or isolating.
Where would you tell someone with no background at all to start?
Why ask it
Watch whether the answer starts with practice or with study. Some rabbis will point you to an introductory class or a text, others will tell you to come to a Shabbat dinner and see how it feels. Both are legitimate, and the choice tells you how this community thinks people actually learn.
How do people here keep Shabbat in practice, rather than in theory?
Why ask it
The gap between the ideal and the lived version is where most of the useful information sits. Ask what a typical family in this congregation actually does about driving, phones, cooking, and work, and whether someone who keeps very little of it would feel judged.
What does keeping kosher look like at different levels of observance?
Why ask it
This is not one rule but a range: separating meat and dairy, certified products only, kosher at home but flexible when out, or vegetarian as a simplification. Ask what is expected at communal meals and what is expected if you host, because that is the part that comes up first.
What do Jews believe about God, and how much disagreement is there?
Why ask it
Expect more variety than most people arriving from a Christian frame anticipate, including members who are unsure and members whose practice is not primarily about belief. A rabbi who describes the range rather than issuing a doctrine is telling you something about how Judaism handles argument.
How do you read the parts of the Torah you find difficult?
Why ask it
One of the best questions you can ask a rabbi, because interpretive tradition is central rather than incidental. Notice whether difficult passages are explained away, held open, or read through centuries of commentary that already argued about them. The method matters more than any single answer.
What do you do when Jewish law and your own conscience pull against each other?
Why ask it
Asks for something personal and gets you the real texture of a rabbi's authority. Answers range from submitting to the law, to working within it for a different ruling, to acknowledging a genuine break. Whatever you hear tells you how much room there would be for your own conscience here.
How do you decide what can change and what cannot?
Why ask it
Every movement in Judaism has a position on this and each thinks the others have it wrong. Ask for an example of a change made in living memory and one that is refused. That pair will tell you more about where you have walked in than any label.
What is expected of members here, and what does belonging cost?
Why ask it
Ask plainly about dues, High Holiday tickets, school fees, and whether reductions are available, because they usually are and are rarely advertised. Also ask what non-financial participation is expected, such as helping make up a minyan or volunteering, since that is often the greater commitment.
My partner is not Jewish. What is your position, and what would that mean for us?
Why ask it
Practice differs sharply between communities on officiating at an interfaith wedding, on membership, on roles in a service, and on the status of children. Ask about all four, specifically, and ask what would be different for your children rather than accepting a general welcome.
If I wanted to convert, what would that actually involve and how long would it take?
Why ask it
Ask for the mechanics: a period of study usually measured in many months or longer, living Jewishly during it, a beit din, immersion, and circumcision for men. Ask also which communities would recognise the conversion afterwards, since recognition varies between movements and in Israel, and that matters later.
What is expected of me when someone in my family dies?
Why ask it
Worth asking before you need it. Jewish mourning is unusually structured: prompt burial, shiva at home, kaddish over a set period, the unveiling, then yahrzeit each year. Ask what this community does, what help is offered, and what is expected of you when someone else is mourning.
How do you talk to children about the hardest parts of Jewish history?
Why ask it
A specific question that reveals a whole educational philosophy. Ask at what age the Holocaust is taught here, how antisemitism now is discussed, and whether the emphasis falls on persecution or on continuity. If you have children, this is the answer that will shape their sense of themselves.
What place does Israel have in this community, and how do you handle disagreement about it?
Why ask it
The second half is the important part. Communities differ enormously, and a rabbi who can describe how people who disagree remain in the same room is telling you whether dissent is survivable here. A refusal to acknowledge disagreement exists is itself an answer.
What does Judaism say about what happens after we die?
Why ask it
The answer surprises people who expect something detailed. Jewish tradition contains several views and generally places far less weight on the afterlife than on conduct now, and many rabbis will say plainly that they do not know. Notice whether uncertainty is treated as a failure or as ordinary.
What would you say to someone who wants to belong here but does not believe?
Why ask it
A question many people carry silently for years. Judaism has long accommodated practice without settled belief, and some rabbis will say that showing up is the substance rather than the preliminary. The answer determines whether you would be a full participant or a guest.
What do people come to you about, apart from the obvious?
Why ask it
Gets you past the ceremonial picture of the role. Rabbis are often involved in illness, family conflict, money trouble, and end-of-life decisions, and hearing that described tells you what kind of support would actually be available to you and whether you would want it.
If I only spoke to you once, what would you want me to leave with?
Why ask it
A good closing question, and the answer is usually the most personal thing you will hear. Whether it is a practice to try, a text to read, or an invitation for a particular Friday, it gives you a concrete next step rather than a general welcome.
Approaching a rabbi
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Making contact
Say plainly where you are coming from
New to all of this, raised Jewish and out of touch for twenty years, marrying into a Jewish family, or considering conversion. Rabbis answer very differently depending on which it is, and the first email is the easiest place to say it. There is no version of this that will be treated as an imposition.
Avoid the busiest weeks
The period around the High Holidays and Passover is the least likely time to get an unhurried hour. If your question needs time, ask for an appointment outside those weeks, or ask whether a short conversation now and a longer one later would work better.
Visit more than one community
The differences between movements, and between two congregations of the same movement, are large enough that one visit tells you little. Sit through a service in two or three places before deciding anything, and treat the atmosphere as information rather than as a detail.
Ask about cost early and without embarrassment
Dues, tickets, and school fees are ordinary administration and most communities have arrangements for people who cannot meet them. Asking at the start is far easier than discovering the numbers after you have grown attached to the place.
In the conversation
- Ask which movement you are speaking to before you generalise from an answer. Almost every question here has several legitimate answers depending on that.
- Expect a question back. Rabbinic conversation often works by asking rather than answering, and this is engagement, not evasion.
- Say what you do not know. There is no expected baseline for a newcomer, and pretending to one usually means the answer you get is pitched wrong.
- Follow any principle with a practical case. What would that mean for my Friday nights, or for my son, turns a position into something usable.
- Distinguish between what Jewish law requires and what this particular community does. They are not the same, and the gap is worth knowing.
- Ask about mourning, illness, and lifecycle events before you need them. These are the moments when belonging to a community becomes concrete.
Common misunderstandings to avoid
Assuming Judaism works like a church
Membership, belief, and attendance function differently. A congregation is closer to a community with obligations to its members than a place people attend weekly to hear a sermon, and practice frequently comes before belief rather than after it.
Expecting one answer to a question of law
On most practical questions the tradition contains multiple positions, and a rabbi is telling you the ruling of their movement and often their own reasoning. Asking who disagrees, and why, is normal rather than confrontational.
Treating the rabbi as the only route in
In many communities the people who actually help you find your feet are the members: someone who invites you for a meal, sits next to you and finds the page, or explains what happens next. Ask to be introduced to them.
Rushing towards conversion as a formality
It is a substantial process, usually taking a year or more, and rabbis are traditionally expected not to make it easy. Ask about recognition between movements before you begin, because a conversion accepted in one community may not be accepted in another.