Questions to Ask Grandparents Before They Die
Questions for recording a grandparent's account of their own life while they are able to give it, covering names, dates, ordinary days and the things only they can confirm.
The questions
Open any question for the note
Where were you born, and who else was living in the house?
Why ask it
A factual opening that sets a scene and needs no reflection. The list of people in the house often includes lodgers, cousins or a relative nobody in the family talks about now.
What are the full names of your parents and grandparents, and where were they from?
Why ask it
Names, spellings and places are the part of family history that becomes unrecoverable first. Ask them to spell anything unusual and read it back rather than guessing later.
What did your mother and father do for work?
Why ask it
Occupations locate the family in a place and a period, and they explain moves, money and schooling. Older relatives often held several jobs at once, so ask whether there was other work as well.
Who is in this photograph, and when was it taken?
Why ask it
Bring printed photographs to the conversation. Identifications made while looking at the picture can be written on the back straight away, and an unlabeled photograph is usually lost within a generation.
What did an ordinary day look like when you were ten?
Why ask it
Ordinary days are what nobody thinks to record and what descendants most want. Ask about waking, meals, chores and getting to school rather than about how things were different then.
Which recipes should be written down, and who taught them to you?
Why ask it
Family cooking is usually held in someone's hands rather than on paper. Write quantities as they say them, including the vague ones, and note who they learned each dish from.
What was your first job, and what did it pay?
Why ask it
Concrete and easy to answer, and the figure gives later generations a real sense of the period. It often leads into how much of the wage went to the household.
How did you meet the person you married?
Why ask it
One of the few stories most people have told before, so it comes out fluently. Compare it with the version the family repeats, since the details rarely match.
What do you remember about your wedding day?
Why ask it
Small details tend to survive when the order of events does not: the weather, who was missing, what was eaten. If a spouse has died, follow their lead on how long to stay here.
What was happening in the world that you remember most clearly?
Why ask it
You get their own vantage point rather than the historical summary, which is the value of a first-hand account. Ask where they were and who told them, not what they thought about it.
Was there a stretch when there was not enough money, and how did the family manage?
Why ask it
Hardship is often mentioned in passing and then dropped. Asking how it was managed keeps the question practical rather than intrusive, and the answer usually explains later decisions about work and thrift.
Where do the names in our family come from, and who were you named after?
Why ask it
Naming patterns are a reliable thread back through a family, and they occasionally uncover a relative who died young. Note the spellings and any names that were changed.
What did you want to do that you never got to do?
Why ask it
Answers range from a trade they could not train for to a place they never saw. Take it at the pace they set, and do not turn it into an offer to arrange something unless they ask.
Is there a decision you would make differently now?
Why ask it
Better later in a session, once easier ground has been covered. Some people answer readily and some decline, and declining is a complete answer that should be left alone.
Is there anyone you lost touch with that you still think about?
Why ask it
Often the first mention of a sibling who emigrated, a wartime friend or a first engagement. If they want the person found, ask before the visit ends whether you should try.
What did you believe at thirty that you no longer believe?
Why ask it
An unhurried question about change rather than regret, which makes it easier to answer than asking about mistakes. Expect religion, politics or a view of their own parents.
What would you like the family to keep doing after you are gone?
Why ask it
Gives them a say in what continues, and the answers are usually modest and specific: a meal, a visit, a place. Repeat it back so they can correct you.
Is there anything you have never told us that you would want us to know?
Why ask it
Open enough to hold whatever they choose, and some people have been waiting to be asked. Do not fill the silence afterwards, and do not press if they say no.
What do you want your great-grandchildren to know about you?
Why ask it
Lets them speak to people they will not meet, which many find easier than speaking about themselves. Record this one, since the voice matters more than the transcript.
Is there anything from today you would rather I did not record or repeat?
Why ask it
Asking at the end gives them control over what has been said and makes the next session more likely. Honor it exactly, including in what you tell other relatives.
Recording a grandparent's account
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you start
Ask permission, plainly
Say that you would like to write things down or record them so the family keeps it, and ask if that is all right. Recording someone without telling them, however well meant, is the one thing that ends these conversations for good.
Bring objects, not a list of topics
Photographs, a recipe box, a service medal, a map of the town they grew up in. Objects give a starting point and take the pressure off remembering on command.
Keep sessions short
Twenty to forty minutes is usually enough, and less if they are ill or in hospital. Several short visits produce more than one long one, and they leave something to come back for.
Pick the better part of their day
For many older people that is the morning. Avoid the hour after a meal, after a medical appointment, or at the end of a day with other visitors.
During the conversation
- Use a phone voice memo, placed on the table rather than held. Check it is running once at the start and then leave it alone.
- Ask one question and wait. Most of the useful detail arrives after the first pause, not in the first sentence.
- Spell out names and places as they say them and read the spelling back.
- Do not correct their version of an event, even if another relative tells it differently. You are recording their account.
- If they become tired or distressed, stop and say you would like to come back to it. Say it as a plan, not an apology.
- Write the date, the place and who was present on the file or the notes the same day.
When the subject is dying
Follow their lead
Some people want to talk about the end of their life and some do not, and the same person may differ from week to week. Do not use these questions as a way to raise it indirectly.
Separate practical matters from memory
Wills, funeral wishes, passwords and medical decisions matter, but they belong in their own conversation, and often with another family member present. Mixing them into a session about childhood makes both harder.
It is not a race
If illness means you may only get one or two conversations, choose the questions about names, photographs and what they want the family to know. Those are the ones that cannot be reconstructed by anyone else.
Afterwards
- Back up the recording in two places the same week and give a copy to one other relative.
- Label photographs on the back in pencil while the identifications are fresh.
- Type a short summary with names, dates and place names, so the recording is searchable later.
- Send them anything you write up. Corrections from the person themselves are the most valuable version you will get.
- Note the questions they declined, so nobody in the family asks again by accident.