Questions to Ask Your Daughter-in-Law
Questions to ask your daughter-in-law, for a mother- or father-in-law who wants to know their son's wife better, whether the wedding was last month or fifteen years ago. They start with her own life and the family she comes from, move on to holidays, then visits and help, then grandchildren, and end with the two of you and the subjects she would like left alone.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Her Life
What's taking up most of your time and attention these days?
Why ask it
It works whether she is running a department, home with a baby, studying or between jobs, because she picks the subject. Remember what she names and ask about it next visit: being asked a second time is what tells her you were listening.
What part of your work do you wish people asked you about?
Why ask it
Most relatives know a daughter-in-law's job title and nothing past it. A long answer full of detail is the good sign; one line may mean she has learned that the family's eyes glaze over, and a real follow-up will change that. If she is home with children or between jobs, ask it about her days instead.
What's something you're proud of that I might not know about?
Why ask it
Daughters-in-law mostly get praised for what they do for the family: the meals, the children, the remembered birthdays. Here she can name what she counts as her own, which may be a qualification, a race she ran or a hard year she got through. If you are impressed, say so in as many words.
What did you love doing before you two met that you still make time for?
Why ask it
She had a whole life before she joined your family, and this asks about it. If she says she has let it slide, resist fixing it on the spot. A free Saturday offered a month later, with no speech attached, will mean more.
Is there something you're working toward right now that I could be cheering for?
Why ask it
A course, a promotion, a first 10K, a business plan that lives in a notebook. Ask for the date of the exam or the race and send one line that morning. Leave out any question about how it will fit around the house or the children; she has done that arithmetic already.
Who are the friends you'd call first with good news?
Why ask it
You are collecting names here, so that months from now you can ask after a friend the way you would for your own child. If she says there is nobody close by since the move, she may be lonelier than she lets on, and an invitation with no family duty attached would count for a lot.
What does a really good weekend look like for you?
Why ask it
Listen for whether her good weekend is full of people or has nothing in it at all. If it is the empty kind, a standing Sunday lunch at your house costs her more than you knew, and every other week might suit everyone better.
What are you reading, watching or listening to that I should try?
Why ask it
Then try it, and tell her what you thought. A recommendation taken up gives the two of you something that does not run through your son, and it is the cheapest way there is to show that her taste counts with you.
What's a small thing that reliably makes your day better?
Why ask it
A particular coffee, twenty minutes in the garden, a podcast on the drive. Write it down when you get home, since this is where good birthday presents come from. It beats another decade of guessed-at scented soap.
Her Family
What was the house you grew up in like, and who was in it?
Why ask it
After years you may know the town and still not the household: who was at the table, whether a grandparent lived in, how loud it was. Let her describe it without comparing it to yours. If she moves on quickly, follow her, because a childhood home is not an easy subject for everyone.
How would you describe your mom and dad to someone who had never met them?
Why ask it
You probably met them at the wedding, with everyone on their best behavior. Affection with a joke in it is the usual happy answer. A short, careful reply means there is history, and the kind thing is to leave it there and not go to your son for the rest.
How are your parents doing these days, and is there anything they need?
Why ask it
Her parents can come to feel like rivals for the couple's time, and asking after them warmly ends that before it starts. A parent who is ill or newly alone explains a lot about where her weekends and her worry are going. Send your regards, by name.
Do you get back to your own family as often as you'd like?
Why ask it
'Not as often as I'd like' is the answer to act on. You are one of the few people who can make it easier, by being the first to say that a holiday at her mother's is fine with you and you will see them the week after.
What did an ordinary weeknight look like in your family when you were small?
Why ask it
Dinner at six with everyone seated, or plates in front of the television whenever people got in: what she grew up with is her picture of normal. It often explains what puzzles her at your house. Trade your own version, and do not rank them.
Is there a dish from home that nobody makes quite the way your family does?
Why ask it
Ask whether she would bring it to the next gathering, or show you how it goes. Her family's food on your table makes the point that she did not arrive empty-handed. When it appears, eat it without suggesting improvements.
What's the story your family tells about you every single time?
Why ask it
Every family has one, usually involving a haircut, a school play or a car. It lets her be somebody's daughter for a minute instead of the in-law, and it tends to be funny. Have one ready about your son at the same age to trade.
Holidays
Which holiday matters most to you, and what has to happen for it to feel right?
Why ask it
The second half is the useful one. It may be a service, a particular breakfast, a phone call home at a set hour or simply waking up in her own bed. Once you know the one fixed point, most of the rest of the day turns out to be flexible.
What were the holidays like in your house when you were growing up?
Why ask it
Ask for details: when presents were opened, who cooked, whether it was three people or thirty. Each is a spot where your family's way may have replaced hers without anyone deciding it. Pick the one she sounds fondest of and ask whether she misses it.
Is there a tradition from your side you'd like to bring into our gatherings?
Why ask it
Make room for whatever she names the very next time, even if it sits oddly beside your own. A no may only mean she likes keeping her family's customs for her family. That is a fine answer, so let it stand.
Which of our family traditions do you enjoy, and which could you happily miss?
Why ask it
Ask it laughing, and go first by naming one you would drop yourself. A daughter-in-law who can say 'the gift swap' out loud and get a laugh feels safe with you. If she insists she loves every one, she is being polite and you have more trust to build.
How would the two of you like to split the holidays this year?
Why ask it
Ask well ahead, ask them together, and ask before you have made a plan that assumes the answer. The thing to watch is your own reaction. If you catch yourself counting whose turn it is, say so with a smile, and then leave the decision with them.
Would you two ever like to host a holiday at your place, and what would you want from us?
Why ask it
Giving up the hosting is hard for the generation that has always done it, and offering before you are asked is generous. If she says yes, find out what to bring and bring only that. Her kitchen, her timing, her seating plan.
What wears you out about a holiday visit, even one that goes well?
Why ask it
Too many days, no car of her own, nowhere to be alone, the children's bedtime wrecked. Most of these can be fixed with a shorter stay or a free afternoon in the middle. An honest answer is a compliment, so say thank you before you say anything else.
How do you like your birthday marked: a fuss, a card, or as little as possible?
Why ask it
In plenty of families the son is trusted to pass this on and never does. Ask her, put the date in your own calendar, and do what she said even if it is less than you would like. A fuss made for someone who dreads one is a present to yourself.
Now that you're a mother too, how would you like Mother's Day to go?
Why ask it
The day is partly hers now, and many families never adjust for that. Wanting the morning at home with her own children and seeing you later, or on another weekend, is an ordinary wish and no snub. Leave this one out if they have no children.
Visits and Help
How much warning would you like before we come over, and is dropping in ever okay?
Why ask it
Some homes love a knock at the door, and in others it means twenty minutes of panic behind a fixed smile. Whatever she says, keep to it even when you are driving right past. If the answer is 'always text first', that is about her day and not about you.
When we come to stay, how many nights is a good visit?
Why ask it
Put it to her as well as to your son, who may say 'as long as you like' without checking. Take the number she gives and leave a day inside it. A visit that ends while everyone is still enjoying it is the one that gets repeated.
While we're at your house, would you like us to pitch in or keep out of the way?
Why ask it
One woman is grateful for an emptied dishwasher and another hears a comment on her housekeeping in every wiped counter. Ask for a named job, such as the school drop-off or the dishes after dinner, and do just that. Rearranging a cupboard is never the job.
Are you a phone call person, a texter, or happiest in the family group chat?
Why ask it
A call that feels warm to you can feel like an ambush to someone who lives by text. If she prefers messages, a slow reply usually means a full day and nothing more. Match her pace and length, and resist the follow-up asking whether she saw yours.
When there are plans to make, should I ask you, him, or both of you at once?
Why ask it
Going only through your son can leave her the last to know. Going only through her turns her into the family's secretary. Plenty of couples want one message to both, and whichever she picks, keep to it even when another route would be quicker.
What kind of help from us is welcome, and what tips over into too much?
Why ask it
A meal left on the step, a ride from the airport, money toward something large: each lands differently in each house, and help with advice attached rarely feels like help. A quick 'oh, we're fine' is not a no. Leave one specific offer open and say no more about it.
Do you want my advice when I have some, or only when you ask for it?
Why ask it
Be ready for 'only when I ask', and know that keeping to it earns more goodwill than the advice would have. Agree on the exceptions while everyone is calm: a real safety worry, and anything she brings to you herself.
Is there something I do when we're together that makes things harder for you?
Why ask it
Only for a day when you can hear the answer without explaining yourself. Thank her, change the thing, and never bring it to your son later as a grievance. 'Nothing at all' may be true or may be caution, so accept it and ask again in a year.
Would you like the two of us to do something on our own now and then?
Why ask it
Coffee, a walk, a trip to the garden center. For some daughters-in-law this is what they have been hoping for, and for others an hour alone with a parent-in-law feels like an exam. A hesitant yes means keep it short, give it an end time and let her choose the place.
Grandchildren
After the baby comes, how soon would you like visitors, and what should we do while we're there?
Why ask it
Her answer may be 'not the first week' or 'my mother first'. Both are common and neither is about you. When you do go, bring food, take on one chore and hold the baby when the baby is offered.
What's changed about looking after a baby since we raised ours that we ought to know?
Why ask it
Guidance on sleep, feeding and car seats shifts between generations and differs from country to country, so ask what her own doctor or midwife has told her. Then follow it, and leave out the story about how your children survived without any of it.
What would you like the children to call us, and have your parents already picked their names?
Why ask it
Check before you announce that you will be Nana, in case her own mother has been Nana for years. Many couples have a view on this and are rarely asked. If the toddler later invents a name of their own, that one wins anyway.
What are the rules at your house that you'd like us to keep at ours?
Why ask it
Screens, sugar, bedtime, the car seat, what gets said about food. Write them down in front of her, so she can see it matters to you. Grandparents who keep the rules tend to be trusted with more time, and a treat she has agreed to is still a treat.
If one of the kids acts up while we're in charge, how do you want us to handle it?
Why ask it
You want her method and her words: a time out, a warning, a call to her. Children spot a gap between two houses in an afternoon. If you disagree with the approach, raise it with both parents another day, never in front of the child.
What help with the children would make the biggest difference to your week?
Why ask it
The good answers are dull and specific: Tuesday pickup, cover when a child is home sick, one evening a month. Offer only what you can keep up, because a regular promise that lapses is worse than none. 'Nothing right now' is worth asking again after a new baby or a new job.
How do you feel about us sharing photos of the kids, and what should we run past you first?
Why ask it
Many parents have firm views on what goes online and who sees it, and grandparents are easily the ones who forget. Widen it while you are on the subject: first haircuts, pierced ears, big presents and sleepovers are all worth a check before, not an apology after.
What would you like the kids to remember about time at our house?
Why ask it
She might say stories about their father, your language, your faith, the garden, or simply an adult who is not in a hurry. It tells you what she values in you, which in-laws are rarely told. Do more of that and worry less about outings and presents.
You and Her
What would you like to call me, and is there a name you'd like me to use for you?
Why ask it
Plenty of people go a decade calling a mother-in-law nothing at all because nobody settled it. Offer your first name as a real option, so 'Mom' is a choice and not a test. The second half catches the shortened name or the 'dear' she has put up with since the engagement.
When have you felt most like one of us, and when have you felt like a guest?
Why ask it
The first answer is often small: being handed a job in the kitchen, a photo of her on the wall, being teased like the others. The second may be a family story nobody explained or a group photo she was asked to take. Fix that one, and do not argue with her memory of it.
Is there a subject you'd like me to stop bringing up?
Why ask it
Her weight, a next baby, when she is going back to work, the size of the house, church. Whatever she names, retire it completely, including the joking version and the version passed through your son. If she can't think of one, tell her the offer stays open.
What do you wish I understood about how the two of you do things?
Why ask it
Who cooks, how money is handled, how they spend Sundays, how they are raising the children: it will differ from how you did it. Here she can explain once instead of defending it piece by piece. 'That makes sense' is the whole of the right reply.
What does my son do that still makes you laugh?
Why ask it
A light one for when the talk has turned heavy. Laugh with her, and add the childhood version if there is one. If it comes out as a complaint dressed as a joke, smile and let it pass: this is not the moment to defend him or to agree.
If I've said something that stung, would you tell me, or should I be the one to check?
Why ask it
A daughter-in-law will often say nothing to keep the peace, and the hurt stays. If she says she would tell you, thank her and believe her. If she wouldn't, take on the checking yourself with something as plain as 'did that come out wrong?'
Is there a photo, a recipe or a family story from our side that you'd like to have?
Why ask it
This one gives instead of asking. His school pictures, the dish he requests every birthday, how his grandparents met: handing these over says the family's history belongs to her as well. Make the copy that week, before the offer turns into a thing you once said.
Is there anything you've wanted to ask me and never felt you could?
Why ask it
Asked last, it hands the conversation over to her. She might want to know what your son was like at fifteen, how you got on with your own in-laws, or something about your health. Answer plainly, and if she has nothing today, tell her the question keeps.
How to ask without it feeling like an inspection
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you ask
Two or three a visit
Nobody should work through this list in one sitting. Pick two or three you are honestly curious about, spread them over a month of ordinary contact, and let the rest wait. A daughter-in-law asked ten questions in a row will conclude she is being assessed, however kindly each one is put.
Ask her, not about her
Much of what parents know about a daughter-in-law arrives through their son, summarized and a week late. These are for asking her directly. Don't check her answers against his afterward, and don't open with 'he tells me that you', which says the two of you have been discussing her.
Pick a side-by-side moment
The car, the kitchen while something is cooking, a walk with the stroller. Questions asked while you are both doing something else are easier to answer than ones asked across a table with the family listening. Keep Visits and Help and You and Her for when it is just the two of you.
Go first
Offer your own answer before or after hers: your worst holiday as a new in-law, what your mother-in-law got right, the tradition you would drop. It turns a set of questions into an exchange, and it shows her the sort of honesty you can take.
Newly married, or years in
Early on, stay with Her Life, Her Family and the practical questions about visits. You and Her needs some trust behind it. If you have known her for years and never asked, say so: 'I realized I've never asked you this' excuses the lateness, and most people are glad to be asked late.
If she is your daughter's wife
Everything here holds. Where a question mentions your son, say your daughter, and put the Grandchildren questions to both parents.
What to do with what she tells you
Treat the polite answer as a first draft
'Whatever suits you' and 'we're easy' usually mean she is not yet sure a real preference is safe to state. Ask once more, with an example of an answer you would be fine with, such as 'two nights would honestly be fine by us'. Then stop. A third ask becomes pressure.
Act on one thing, quickly
The fastest way to show that you meant the question is to change something small within a few weeks: text before coming over, put her dish on the table, drop the subject she named. One change she can see is worth more than a long talk about how much you value her.
When the answer stings
If you ask what makes visits hard, you may be told. Say thank you, and save your side of it for your spouse or a friend on the drive home. Explaining yourself on the spot teaches her not to answer next time, and that costs you more than the sting does.
Keep it between you
What she tells you is not news for the group chat, your other children or your own sister. It is not material for your son either: 'she told me you two never' puts her in the middle of something she did not start. Once she can see that her answers stay put, they get more honest.
Remember, then come back to it
Keep a note of the names, dates and preferences she gives you: her best friend, her mother's operation, how she takes her coffee. Raising one of them months later, unprompted, does more for the two of you than any single question on this page.
Subjects to leave alone
When the grandchildren are coming
Or when the next one is. You cannot know whether they are trying, have decided against it or have had a loss, and each of those makes the question painful. If they want you to know their plans they will tell you, and looking pleased with the family as it is makes that more likely. The Grandchildren questions are for a child who is already here or on the way.
Her body and her plate
Weight, what she is or isn't eating, whether she looks tired, how quickly she is back in shape after a baby. Compliments on these can land almost as badly as criticism, since both say you have been watching. Compliment something she chose or did instead.
Their money and her work
What they earn, what the house cost, whether she plans to go back to work or stay home, who paid for the vacation. Helping them financially does not buy extra questions. Answer money questions if they ask you, and volunteer nothing about what you would do in their place.
Your son, as a complaint or a report
Don't ask her to explain his moods, pass on your messages or account for why he hasn't called. Don't invite her to complain about him either, and if she does, listen without joining in or defending him. Their marriage is theirs to discuss with each other.
Comparisons
With your other daughter-in-law, with your own daughter, with a former girlfriend, with how you managed at her age on less. Even a comparison she wins tells her there is a scoreboard. Describe what she does well without a second name in the sentence.
Once there are grandchildren
The parents' rules travel with the children
You may think a rule is fussy, and you may be right. Keep it anyway while the children are with you, and raise your doubt with both parents, once, when the children are elsewhere. Time with grandchildren tends to follow trust, and trust is mostly built out of bedtimes kept and candy not given.
Offer something specific and regular
'Let us know if you need anything' leaves her to do the asking, which many daughters-in-law will not do. 'I can do Thursday pickup until the summer' is an offer she can accept or decline in one word. Say what you can't manage too, so nobody plans around help that will not come.
Ask what they have been told
Advice on sleep, feeding, car seats and much else changes over the years and varies from one country and one clinic to the next. The parents are the ones talking to the pediatrician, midwife or nurse, so ask what they were told and follow it. This page can't tell you what is current where you live.
The other grandparents are not the competition
Her parents will have their own time, their own names and possibly more of both, especially around a birth. Counting visits makes every one of them tense. Speak well of the other grandparents in front of the children, and ask her how her mother is.