Questions to Ask Your Girlfriend's Parents
Meeting her family goes better with a few good things to ask and a clear idea of what to leave for another day. These 51 questions to ask your girlfriend's parents run in the order a visit does: openers for a first dinner, their own story and work, what she was like growing up, the family's holidays and habits, and a group to save for later visits. The note under each one says what to do with the answer, what to check with her beforehand or when to hold the question back.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
First dinner
What should I call the two of you?
Why ask it
Ask at the door, and until you have an answer use the titles and surnames your girlfriend says are polite in her family. A quick 'call me Dave' is a good sign. If they leave it formal, stay formal and don't read it as a verdict on you.
How did you two meet, and who made the first move?
Why ask it
Couples have told this one so often that it comes out as a double act, with corrections. The second half is what gets them teasing each other, and that takes the attention off you for a few minutes. Find out beforehand whether her parents are still together, and leave it out if they are not.
What was she like as a little kid: the quiet one or the ringleader?
Why ask it
The safest question of the night, because her parents have these stories ready and not many new people to tell them to. The two choices only get them started, and most parents throw out both and give you a third. When the story ends, let her have a right of reply before you ask for another.
Is this the house she grew up in?
Why ask it
A yes leads to which room was hers and what the street was like then, and sometimes to a tour. A no gets you the old address and what they miss about it. Both answers run long, which is what you want from an opener.
Can I give you a hand with anything in the kitchen?
Why ask it
If the cook waves you off, take the no at face value and go and keep the other parent company, because hovering in a kitchen that is running to plan is no help. The offer that counts comes when the meal ends: stand up and start carrying plates without asking again.
This is delicious. Is it something you make often, or did we get the special-occasion version?
Why ask it
Only say it if you mean it, and back it up with a second helping, which counts for more than the compliment. Hearing that it is a weeknight regular tells you what she grew up eating. If the food came from a restaurant, ask how they found the place.
What's good here? I'm happy to follow your lead.
Why ask it
Use this one when the first meeting is out at a restaurant. Asking puts them in the host's seat even on neutral ground, and ordering what they recommend is a small compliment. Sort out the check with your girlfriend before you arrive, since families differ on who pays and a tussle at the table is a poor ending.
Did one of you make that, or is there a story behind it?
Why ask it
Meant for one thing in the room that someone clearly chose: a painting, a quilt, a bookshelf, a mounted fish. Pick a single object you actually want to know about, since a string of compliments on the house sounds like nerves. A parent who built it will walk you over to show you the joints.
How did the dog end up with that name?
Why ask it
Learn the animal's name from your girlfriend on the way over and use it. A pet is the one member of the household with no opinion of you yet, and a dog asleep on your feet by dessert does some of your work for you. A cat that leaves the room hasn't voted, so don't chase it.
What do the two of you have planned for the rest of the weekend?
Why ask it
It needs no shared history, so it works in the first ten minutes. Listen for the fixtures, such as a Saturday market, a service or a grandchild's game. Future visits get planned around those, and 'how was the market?' is a ready first line the next time you walk in.
What has she told you about me so far?
Why ask it
Ask it with a smile, a few minutes in. The answer shows what they already know, which saves you repeating it, and 'not much' is no reason to flinch: some people tell their parents little until they are sure. Give the basics in two sentences and hand the conversation back.
Their story
How did you get into your line of work?
Why ask it
Get the job titles from her beforehand so you can skip straight to this. The route in makes a better story than the title does, and a retired parent answers it just as easily. If one of them raised the children at home, ask what those years were like and give the answer equal time, since that was work too.
Are you both from around here originally?
Why ask it
Listen for how each of them talks about the place they started: fondly, or glad to be gone. Asking what they miss about it brings out food, weather and people. Parents who never left will tell you about the old school and the relatives ten minutes away, so you know who might drop by.
What was your first place together like?
Why ask it
Couples tend to remember a bad first apartment fondly: the upstairs neighbor, the oven with two settings. It puts them back at your stage of life, which softens the room. With parents who have split up, ask each on their own about the first place they could call theirs.
Which of you had the harder time winning over the other's family?
Why ask it
The parent who had the rough start with the in-laws tends to become your ally at the table, because they remember sitting where you are. Wait for the main course, when everyone has relaxed. If the story is still sore, say you are glad it worked out and move on.
What project are you in the middle of right now?
Why ask it
Most households have one going: a half-built deck, a vegetable bed, a family tree, a car under a tarp. Ask to see it. Offering to help with it on your next visit beats any compliment, provided you then turn up and do it.
What music was playing in your house when you were our age?
Why ask it
Expect an album to be fetched or a song to be played off a phone. If you know the band, say which song you like. If you don't, admit it and ask where to start, because a fan always has a follow-up question and bluffing will not survive it.
Is there a story behind the family name?
Why ask it
Surnames often come with a country, a trade or a spelling that changed somewhere along the way, and somebody at the table usually knows the tale. Ask about the other side of the family as well, so both parents get a turn. If you have been saying the name wrong all evening, this is when you find out.
Is there somewhere you have always meant to go and haven't yet?
Why ask it
It looks ahead, so it suits parents who have traveled little as well as those with albums full of trips. Make a note of the place afterward. A book or a postcard about it makes a better present on the third visit than another box of chocolates.
What is the best part of this stage of life, now that the kids are grown?
Why ask it
Meant for parents whose children have all left home, who get asked about the kids far more than about themselves. Good answers have plans in them: a trip, a class, a quieter house they have come to like. If what you hear is that the house feels empty, tell them when the two of you will next visit, and keep to it.
About her
What story would she least like you to tell me?
Why ask it
Look at her before they begin: a groan and a grin means go ahead, and a flat look means you change the subject yourself. Laugh, then say something that takes her side. Whatever you hear stays in that room and is not for her friends.
Was there a phase you thought would never end?
Why ask it
Parents remember the horse years, the one band on repeat or the winter of wearing only black with more affection than they felt at the time, and she will join in to defend herself. Ask what finally ended it, and whether any evidence survives in a closet.
Where does this family keep the baby pictures?
Why ask it
An album on a shelf, a box in the hall closet or a parent's phone: somebody will go and fetch them. Sit beside whoever is turning the pages and ask who else is in each picture, which is how you learn the aunts and cousins before you meet them. Tell her she was a cute kid, and leave the school haircut alone.
Is her old bedroom still the way she left it?
Why ask it
Sometimes it is a shrine with the posters up, and sometimes it became a sewing room the week she moved out, and both are funny. If you are offered a look, let her lead the tour. The shelf of trophies or paperbacks gives you things to ask her about on the drive home.
Which subject at school did she love, and which one did she fight with?
Why ask it
The loved subject usually comes with a teacher's name, and the hated one with a story about homework at this very table. Ask what she did after school as well, since the team, the orchestra or the part-time job is often where the best stories are. Drop it if she winces, because not everyone enjoyed school.
What dinner did she ask for on every birthday?
Why ask it
Here is an answer you can use. Ask whoever cooked it how it is made, write it down afterward, and produce it on her next birthday. When the recipe lives only in a parent's head, ask to stand next to them the next time they make it.
Who did she follow around when she was small?
Why ask it
The name you get, whether an older brother, a grandmother or the girl next door, is often someone whose opinion still matters to her, and someone you will be meeting. Ask what the two of them got up to. Should that person have died, her parents will say so, and a simple 'I wish I had met them' is enough.
Where does she get her sense of humor from?
Why ask it
Naming something you like about her compliments her and whichever parent claims it. Swap in whatever is true: her laugh, her patience, the way she argues with the GPS. A parent who claims it at once will usually prove it with a joke, and that is the one to trade lines with for the rest of the night.
How were her teenage years: smooth sailing, or did she keep you on your toes?
Why ask it
Check with her first that those years are a funny subject in this house and not a sore one. Curfews, first jobs and learning to drive are safe ground. Old boyfriends are not, and if a parent heads that way, asking who taught her to drive will turn things around.
What do you and she do when it's just the two of you?
Why ask it
Put it to one parent at a time, since each will name something different: a standing phone call, a run to the hardware store, a show they watch at the same hour in different cities. Whatever it is, protect it. Being the reason she stopped calling on Sundays is a slow way to lose a parent's good opinion.
When did it first strike you that she was a grown-up?
Why ask it
Save it for after the funny stories, when the table has gone a little quieter. You might hear about a first apartment, a hard phone call she handled, or the day she looked after them for a change. Say nothing clever when they finish, since she may be hearing it for the first time too.
Family ways
What does a holiday look like in this house, from morning to night?
Why ask it
Her family's big days may not be your family's, so learn from her which ones count before you ask. The timetable matters more than it sounds: when people arrive, when the meal lands, who naps. You are learning what you would be walking into, without promising to be there.
Which dish would cause a riot if it were left off the table?
Why ask it
There is usually one, and it has an owner. Learn whose it is and praise it by name when you finally eat it. Don't offer to bring your own version of anything until you have been around long enough to know which dishes are spoken for.
Is there a family tradition she tried to get out of as a teenager and now loves?
Why ask it
You get a tradition and a story about her in one answer: the long walk, the group photo, the matching sweaters. She will protest. Ask whether newcomers are expected to take part, and say yes before they finish explaining.
What was a family road trip like with her in the back seat?
Why ask it
You'll hear who got carsick, who controlled the radio and where the car broke down. Families that flew, or stayed put all summer, will answer about that instead, so don't insist on the car. Notice the place they went back to year after year, because it will come up again and one day you may be taken there.
Does the family play games, and how seriously should I take them?
Why ask it
Better to know the house game before you are dealt in. Some families want a keen opponent and others want a cheerful loser, and her parents will say which if you ask outright. Lose your first round with good grace, but don't throw it, because that gets noticed.
Which team do I need to cheer for to be invited back?
Why ask it
A joke that gets you real information. When the answer turns out to be serious, ask about the best game they ever saw in person, and settle in. If you follow a rival, own up now with a smile, since it is much worse discovered in the middle of a season.
Are there family sayings or inside jokes I will need translated?
Why ask it
Most families have a phrase that makes no sense outside the house, usually from something a child said decades ago. Being told where it came from is a small welcome. Hold off using it yourself for a visit or two, until one of them says it to you first.
Is there anything the family does before a meal that I should wait for?
Why ask it
Best asked quietly of your girlfriend or one parent before you reach the table, so you are not the one with a fork in the air during a grace or a toast. In some houses the only rule is that nobody starts until the cook sits down. Where their faith isn't yours, sitting quietly through a prayer is good manners and commits you to nothing.
What time does this house wake up, and how does the morning go?
Why ask it
Ask it the evening before, on a visit where you stay the night. Where you sleep is their decision, so take the room you are given without comment. Come to breakfast dressed, and if one parent is up early making coffee, that is a good half hour to spend with them.
Who is the relative I'll keep hearing about until I meet them?
Why ask it
You are asking for a briefing on the grandmother, the uncle with opinions or the cousin everyone is measured against. Parents enjoy giving it, and their tone tells you whether to expect a hug or an examination. Ask what that person will want to know about you, and you have a head start.
If we came for the next big family get-together, what could we bring?
Why ask it
Notice the 'if': don't promise dates at their table that the two of you haven't settled in private, since your own family may be counting on the same day. A named dish in reply is an invitation. 'Just yourselves' means bring something small anyway.
Later visits
When did each of you know this was the person for you?
Why ask it
Keep it for a second or third visit, and for a couple who still make each other laugh. Their two answers are often a year apart, and that gap is the entertaining part. Be ready for them to turn and look at the pair of you afterward, and have one honest sentence to offer.
What have you been wondering about me that I haven't answered yet?
Why ask it
Parents tend to have questions about your work, your plans and how serious this is that they are too polite to put. Have short, plain answers ready and don't oversell. If they ask about something you two haven't decided, say exactly that, because a five-year plan made up on the spot gets remembered.
Next time, would you show me how you do that?
Why ask it
Pick the thing a parent is known for: the bread, the fishing knots, the tomato plants, the old engine that still runs. A parent who said little at dinner may say a good deal with their hands busy and something to explain. Turn up in clothes you can get dirty, and do it their way.
When can we cook dinner for the two of you?
Why ask it
It turns you from guest into host and returns the hospitality. Make something you can cook without stress, check likes and allergies with her first, and say yes if they offer to bring something. A date fixed before you leave is worth more than 'we should do this again'.
Would it be all right if I had your number, for birthdays and surprises?
Why ask it
The reason is true and practical, and most parents are pleased to be asked. Use the number lightly: a photo from a trip, a question about a present. Never use it to go around her when the two of you disagree, because that costs you her trust and theirs.
What should I know about looking after her when she's sick or worn out?
Why ask it
They know whether she wants soup and company or a closed door and an hour alone. Asking tells them you mean to stay for the bad days as well as the good ones. From a near-stranger it sounds presumptuous, which is why it waits until they have seen you together a few times.
What do you wish someone had told the two of you when you were starting out?
Why ask it
On a first evening it can sound like an audition, so hold it until they know you. What comes back is rarely grand: who handles the bills, not going quiet for days, separate blankets. Don't debate any of it, and tell them on a later visit if something they said turned out to be right.
Were you worried about anything when she first told you about me?
Why ask it
Only once things are warm, and with a smile. Distance, your job, how fast it all happened: whatever they name, thank them for saying it and don't argue your case. If they are still worried, ask what would put their mind at rest and take the answer seriously.
I'm planning to ask her to marry me. Would you give us your blessing?
Why ask it
Much later, and only if she would want her parents to know first. Some women feel that news is theirs to tell, and customs differ a great deal between families and cultures, so find out how hers does it. Treat it as a courtesy more than a request for permission, and meet a hesitant reply with a real conversation, not a rebuttal.
How to use these with her parents
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you ring the doorbell
Get the briefing from her
Ten minutes with your girlfriend is worth more than any list. Ask for their names and what each of them does, whether they are still together, what they already know about you, which subjects to stay off, and how formal the house is. Several notes on this page tell you to check something with her first, and this is the conversation where you do it.
Three questions, asked well
Nobody gets through fifty questions at one dinner, and nobody should try. Mark one from First dinner, one about them and one about her, the three you most want answered, and save the rest for the second and third visits. A guest who asks three things and listens hard is better company than one who asks fifteen.
If her parents are not a pair
Divorced or widowed parents, a single parent, or a parent and a stepparent all change which questions fit. Skip the ones about how they met and their first home together, and ask each person about their own story instead. With a stepparent, ask how long they have known her and what she was like when they met. Leave an absent parent out of it unless they raise the subject.
What to bring
Ask her what her parents would actually use: something for the table, a plant for a gardener, a food your own town is known for. Check before you bring wine or anything else alcoholic, since not every household drinks. Hand it over at the door and say what it is, and the first awkward half minute is taken care of.
At the table
Follow the order of the evening
First dinner questions are about the room, the food and the day, along with the one about her as a little kid that parents most enjoy, and they belong to the first half hour. Their story comes next, because people warm up when asked about themselves. About her is for once the plates are down and everyone is laughing, and Family ways fits a longer visit or a second one. Later visits means what it says.
Talk to both of them
One parent is usually the easier talker, and it is tempting to spend the night with that one. Put a question to the quieter parent directly, about work, a project or the town, and give the answer the same attention. The quiet parent has an opinion of you too.
Be ready to be asked
They will have questions about your work or studies, your family and how the two of you met. Answer briefly and truthfully, speak well of her, and say 'I don't know yet' where that is the case. A guest who only asks questions can seem to be hiding behind them.
Take your cues from her
She knows when a story is about to go somewhere awkward and when a parent is joking. Agree on a signal for 'change the subject', and take it when she gives it. Keep the teasing of her gentle and the affection modest: you are in her parents' house, and they are watching how you treat her more than what you say.
What to hold back
Subjects for another year
Politics, religion, what things cost, what anybody earns, her past boyfriends, family feuds and the state of their marriage have no place in a first visit. Neither do your thoughts on marriage or children unless they ask, and even then keep it short. If you are curious about any of these, ask her on the way home.
When they raise a hard subject themselves
Some parents test a guest with an opinion, and some simply say what they think. You don't have to agree and you don't have to argue. 'I see that a bit differently, but tell me how you came to it' is honest, and it turns a debate back into a story.
If you are asked about your intentions
It may come as a joke or in earnest, and from either parent. Don't laugh it off. Say in your own words that you care about her and take the relationship seriously, and stop there. Promising more than the two of you have discussed, to please the room, creates a problem for her later.
When you step on something sore
You asked about a grandparent who died last month, or a job that was just lost. Say 'I'm sorry, I didn't know', let them say as much as they want to, and then move to something easy. Apologize once: saying it three times leaves them looking after you.
After the first visit
Say thank you twice
Once at the door, and once the next day in a message or a note, passed on through her if you don't have their number. Mention one particular thing: the dish, the story about the first apartment, the tour of the garden. It shows you were listening.
Use what you learned
Listen to the album, look up the place they want to visit, ask how the deck is coming along. On a second visit you can skip most of the first group and start from what they told you last time, which flatters them more than any new question would.
Give it more than one evening
A polite, reserved first meeting is common and is not a refusal. Many parents warm to a partner over several visits, as they watch how their daughter is around you. Ask her how she thought it went, believe what she tells you, and turn up again.