Questions to Ask Your Parents About Their Marriage
Questions to ask your parents about their marriage, for a grown or nearly grown child who is dating, engaged, newly married, or putting together a family or school project. The list runs in the order the story happened: how they met and decided, the wedding, the early years, money and arguments, the hard times, and what they would pass on, with wording for a parent who is divorced or widowed. The notes say which questions go better with both parents in the room, which to keep for one of them alone, and when to leave a subject where it is.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Meeting and Deciding
How did you meet, and what does each of you remember that the other one leaves out?
Why ask it
Ask it with both of them in the room and let them interrupt each other. The details they dispute, who spoke first and what was said, are usually the best part, and a version you have never heard is a sign they are enjoying the telling.
What was your first impression of each other, before either of you was being polite about it?
Why ask it
A good answer is slightly unflattering: too loud, badly dressed, already taken. If both insist it was perfect from the first minute, ask what the other one was wearing and see how the story loosens.
Where did you go on your first date, and which of you was more nervous?
Why ask it
The place may have closed years ago, or you may have driven past it all your life without knowing. If it is still standing, offer to take them back for an anniversary. Expect each to name the other as the nervous one.
When did you know this was the person you wanted to marry, and what made you sure?
Why ask it
Some people can name the afternoon and others only notice looking back. Neither is the better answer. Ask for the incident: the car that broke down, the illness, the visit home where it suddenly counted.
Who proposed, and how, or was it more of a decision the two of you arrived at?
Why ask it
Plenty of couples never had a proposal: there was a conversation in a kitchen, a lease ending, a baby coming. Leave room for that version so nobody has to dress up what happened.
What doubts did you have before you committed, and what settled them?
Why ask it
If you are dating or engaged, this is the one to listen to hardest. A parent who admits to cold feet and can say what answered them is giving you something usable. 'I never doubted it' may be true, so take it and ask the other parent.
What did your parents and your friends make of the two of you at the start?
Why ask it
Approval and disapproval both leave marks, and a grandparent's old objection can explain a coolness you grew up around. Keep it light if the person being discussed is still alive and coming for dinner on Sunday.
How old were you when you married, and did you feel ready?
Why ask it
Do the arithmetic against your own age before you ask, because it changes how the answer lands. 'Not really, and we did it anyway' is a common and honest answer. Ask what ready would even have looked like to them then.
Why get married at all, when you could have carried on as you were?
Why ask it
The reasons vary more than you would guess: faith, family expectation, a visa, a child on the way, or simply wanting to say it in front of people. Whichever one you hear, it shows what the word marriage meant in their time and place.
What was your own life like just before you met: where were you living, what were you doing for work, what was the plan?
Why ask it
Put this to each parent separately, because each was the main character of a different story until that point. You find out what each of them set aside or sped up for the other, which the meeting story on its own never tells you.
The Wedding
What was the wedding like: where was it held, who paid for it, and how many people came?
Why ask it
Three plain facts get a parent talking faster than 'tell me about your wedding'. Who paid is the revealing one, since it often decided the guest list and who had the final say on everything else.
What went wrong on the day that you can laugh about now?
Why ask it
Every wedding has one: the cake, the weather, the uncle. If they are still not laughing, you have found a sore spot, so move along and come back to it another year.
Which parts of the wedding were what you wanted, and which were there to keep a relative happy?
Why ask it
If you are planning your own, bring a pen for this. You hear which compromises they stopped minding within a month and which one still gets mentioned decades later.
What were you thinking in the hour before the ceremony?
Why ask it
Ask each of them, since they were in different rooms with different people. Nerves, a calm they did not expect, a parent's last word of advice: it is the part of the day nobody else saw.
What did you promise each other, in the vows or in private, and which promise has been hardest to keep?
Why ask it
Many people cannot recall their vows word for word, and that is fine. The second half is the real question. A parent who can name the hard promise without blaming the other one is showing you how to talk about a marriage.
What do you remember about the first week of being married, honeymoon or no honeymoon?
Why ask it
Some couples went away and some went back to work on Monday. You are after the first ordinary moment of being husband and wife: a shared mailbox, a new name said out loud, a first dinner at home.
If you were planning your wedding again, what would you keep and what would you drop?
Why ask it
Useful if you are engaged, and safe even if you are not, because it asks about a party and not about the marriage. Expect a firm opinion on cost. If they would change nothing, ask which moment they would most like to watch again.
Early Years
What did a normal weeknight look like in your first year under one roof?
Why ask it
A weeknight gets you the texture: who cooked, what was on, how early the alarm went off. If their memories of it differ a good deal, that is worth a smile and not a ruling on who is right.
What surprised you most about living with each other?
Why ask it
Listen for something small and physical, like the hours the other one kept or what they did with wet towels. A parent who goes straight to something large and painful is telling you the early years were harder than the photos suggest.
Which of each other's habits did you manage to change, and which did you learn to live with?
Why ask it
This usually comes out as teasing, and the teasing is the point: you are seeing how they handle a permanent small annoyance. If it turns sharp, laugh, change the subject and remember which habit it was.
How did you split the cooking, the cleaning and the bills at the start, and who decided that?
Why ask it
'Nobody decided, it just happened' is the common answer, and the follow-up is whether each of them was happy with how it happened. If you are about to move in with someone, this is the question to borrow.
How did getting married change things with your own parents, and with your in-laws?
Why ask it
You are asking about people you know as grandparents, so expect some diplomacy. The useful part is how the two of them handled a meddling or a distant parent as a team, or failed to.
Whose job or plans came first in those years, and how was that settled?
Why ask it
One parent may have moved cities, left a course or turned down work, and may never have been asked about it. Thank them for the answer. Do not try to rebalance the account on their behalf.
What did the two of you do for fun before there were children, and what became of it?
Why ask it
The dancing, the card nights or the long drives may have ended quietly the year you were born. If they light up describing it, suggest they do it again and offer to make that easy.
How did you decide when to have children, and did you agree on how many?
Why ask it
It may have been planned to the month or it may simply have happened, and the answer can brush against a long wait or a loss you were never told about. Ask gently and take a short reply as complete. If they disagreed on the number, ask who came around and what changed their mind.
What changed between you when the first baby arrived?
Why ask it
You or a sibling are the baby in question, so say up front that you want the true version. Tiredness and less time alone are the standard answers. A parent who can also say what got better has thought about it.
What do you miss about the two of you back then?
Why ask it
A soft question that lets them be fond of each other in front of you. For a parent who is widowed or divorced it can be a lot, so save it for a day when they have brought the subject up themselves.
Money and Arguments
When you first married, was the money in one pot, in separate ones, or handled by whichever of you opened the bills?
Why ask it
How bank accounts, benefits and taxes work for a couple depends on where and when they married, so ask how it worked for them and do not assume it works that way for you. The human part carries over: who knew the balance and who did not.
When was money tightest, and what did the two of you do about it?
Why ask it
Children are usually shielded from this, so the year they name may be one you remember as perfectly normal. Listen for whether they pulled together or went quiet on each other. Either answer is worth more than a budgeting tip.
Which of you is the saver and which is the spender, and how did you stop that from becoming a fight?
Why ask it
They will each claim to be the sensible one, which is half the fun. Underneath is a real method, such as an allowance each, a limit, or one person handling it. That method is the thing to take away.
What is the biggest purchase or money decision you disagreed on, and who turned out to be right?
Why ask it
A house, a car, a loan to a relative, a business. Watch how the one who was wrong tells it. Being able to say 'I was wrong about that' in front of your child is a fair sign the argument is really over.
What did you argue about most in the early years, and what do you argue about now?
Why ask it
The subject often stays the same for decades in a slightly different coat. That is not necessarily bad news: you learn that a recurring argument can sit inside a marriage that works. If they say they never argue, ask who gives in.
What is each of you like in an argument: who goes quiet, and who needs it settled tonight?
Why ask it
Ask them to describe themselves and not each other, or you will start a small one on the spot. You may recognize your own style in one of them, which is useful to know before your next disagreement with someone you love.
Who tends to say sorry first, and what does making up look like for you two?
Why ask it
In some marriages it is words. In others it is a cup of tea set down without comment. Knowing which kind you grew up watching may explain what you expect an apology to look like.
Which argument have you agreed to stop having?
Why ask it
Long marriages tend to have a few retired subjects: a relative, the thermostat, how to load the car. If both of them answer straight away and laugh, it has worked. If one looks at the other and says nothing, leave it retired.
When you disagreed about how to raise us, how did you settle it?
Why ask it
Bedtimes, discipline, schools, faith: you saw the ruling and never the negotiation. Ask about the method, whether one of them had the final word or they backed each other in front of you and argued it out later. Do not use it to appeal a decision you lost at fourteen.
What did you try to keep from us kids when you were arguing, and what do you think we noticed anyway?
Why ask it
Offer what you did notice, gently, because your memory is half of this. A good exchange leaves both sides lighter. If a parent turns defensive, say you are asking out of curiosity and not keeping score, and mean it.
Hard Times
What was the hardest stretch of your marriage, and about how long did it last?
Why ask it
Ask one parent at a time, somewhere private, and take whatever length of answer you are given. They may name different years. The 'how long' matters to anyone newly married: it tells you a bad season can be measured in months or years and still end.
Was there ever a point when you thought the two of you might not make it?
Why ask it
Only ask if you can hear yes without it changing how you look at them across the table. A calm 'yes, and here is what happened' is a generous answer. A flat 'no' or a long pause is also an answer, so thank them and move on.
When things were bad, what made you stay?
Why ask it
Children, money, faith, plain stubbornness and love all get named, sometimes in one breath. Do not grade the reason. For a parent whose marriage ended, turn it around and ask what finally made staying impossible, if they are willing.
Who or what helped from outside: a relative, a friend, a faith community, a counselor?
Why ask it
You are asking whether they got through it alone or let someone in. If the answer is 'nobody, we kept it to ourselves', ask whether they would do that again. What help exists and what it costs depends on where you live, so ask how they found theirs.
How did an illness, a lost job or a death in the family change things between you?
Why ask it
Pick the event you know happened and name it, since a general question gets a general answer. You may hear that it pulled them closer or that it nearly emptied them. Either is a true story, and neither needs fixing by you.
What did you have to forgive, or be forgiven for, that you are comfortable telling me about?
Why ask it
The last clause is the permission slip: it lets them choose something of a size they can manage. Take what is offered and do not dig for the thing behind it. If what you hear is serious, give yourself a few days before you bring it up again.
How did the marriage change once the children had left home?
Why ask it
Some couples find each other again in a quiet house and some find they had been running a household and little else. If they are still in the middle of working that out, the kind response is curiosity, not suggestions.
What is better between you now than it was in the first ten years?
Why ask it
A hopeful one to follow the heavier questions. Good answers are specific: fewer things worth fighting over, knowing when to leave the other alone. Worth holding on to if you are newly married and impatient.
What was good in the marriage that you would still stand by, even though it ended?
Why ask it
For a divorced parent, asked without the other one present. It lets them speak well of years that also produced you, and it gives you a history that is more than its ending. Do not carry the answer back to the other parent.
On an ordinary day, what do you miss most about being married?
Why ask it
For a parent who has been widowed. The ordinary day is easier to talk about than the loss itself: the second cup poured, someone to report the news to. Let them stay on it as long as they like. Tears here are not a sign you asked the wrong thing.
Love and Advice
What has mattered more than love in keeping the two of you together?
Why ask it
It gives them leave to be unromantic: manners, a shared sense of humor, being reliable about small things. A parent who says 'nothing, it is all love' is not dodging. Ask what love looked like on a bad Tuesday.
What is your happiest memory of the two of you that has nothing to do with the wedding or with us kids?
Why ask it
Ruling out the wedding and the children gets you past the two stock answers to a day that belonged only to them: a trip, a first apartment, an evening when nothing much happened. If each names a different day, you have two stories. Ask whether there is a photo.
What small thing do you do for each other that nobody outside this house would notice?
Why ask it
Warming the car, saving the crossword, turning down the side of the bed. These are easy to say out loud and good for the other one to hear, so ask it with both of them listening.
What do you still admire about each other?
Why ask it
Let each answer about the other while the other is in the room. Some parents find this harder than any question about bad years, so give it time. For a parent on their own, ask what they admired, and let the past tense be.
What do you know about being married now that you wish someone had told you on your wedding day?
Why ask it
The first reply will be a saying. Ask what happened that taught it to them, because the story is what you will remember when you need it. If your parents answer differently, keep both.
Which quality in a husband or wife turned out to matter far more than you expected, and which mattered less?
Why ask it
Asked while you are dating, this is advice without a lecture, since they are talking about themselves and not your partner. Resist asking how your own partner scores. They will tell you if they want to.
What did you take from your own parents' marriage, and what did you swear you would not repeat?
Why ask it
You get a third marriage for the price of one question, and often the reason behind a rule you grew up with. Ask whether they managed not to repeat it. Most people laugh before they answer.
What should two people talk through before the wedding that you never did?
Why ask it
Have something to write on, because the list comes fast: money, where to live, children, whose family gets the holidays. It is a checklist written by people who found the gaps the hard way.
What do you hope I take from your marriage, and what do you hope I do differently?
Why ask it
The second half is where a parent can admit a regret without making a confession of it. Listen, say thank you, and do not promise anything on the spot. It is advice to weigh, and your marriage will be your own.
What would you say to me on the night before my own wedding?
Why ask it
A closing question, whether your wedding is next month, years behind you or nowhere in sight. If you are engaged, ask whether they would write it down for you. People say more on paper than they manage in a doorway.
How to ask your parents about their marriage
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you ask
Say why you want to know
Parents answer more freely when they know what the questions are for. 'I'm getting married and I want to hear how you did it', 'I have a family history project due' and 'I realized I only know the short version' are all good reasons, and each one gets a slightly different conversation. Without a reason, some parents wonder what you are checking up on.
Together for the stories, one at a time for the hard parts
Meeting and Deciding, The Wedding and most of Early Years go best with both parents in the room, because they correct and tease each other and the story gets better for it. Hard Times is the opposite. Each of them will say more, and say it more kindly, without the other listening.
Choose the setting, not the occasion
A drive, doing the dishes or a walk suits this better than a holiday table with an audience. Side by side tends to be easier than face to face for anything about money or bad years. Their anniversary is a natural day for the early groups and a poor one for the later ones.
Pick ten, not the whole list
Nobody wants to be taken through every question on the page in one sitting. Choose a handful from two or three groups, start with the meeting or the wedding, and stop while they are still enjoying it. A second conversation next month will go deeper than a long first one.
While they are talking
Ask for the incident behind the principle
Asked about marriage, most people reach for a saying about communication or compromise. Take it, then ask when they learned it. The night it went wrong or the day it went right is the part you can use, and it is the part they have probably never told you.
Let them disagree
Two people remember the same marriage differently, down to who proposed. You are not there to establish the facts. Write down both versions, and enjoy the argument about the first date as part of the answer.
Do not take a side
The moment you agree that Dad really was unreasonable about the house, one parent has an ally and the other stops talking. In Money and Arguments and Hard Times, 'what was that like for you?' is a safer follow-up than an opinion.
Give something back
If you are dating, engaged or married, say what you are finding hard or good. A conversation where only one side reveals anything starts to feel like an interview. Your parents may also have been waiting years for an opening to ask about your life.
If your parents are divorced, widowed or remarried
Divorced parents
Ask each of them alone, and tell them at the start that nothing goes back to the other. The early groups still work, since the marriage had a beginning worth hearing about, and the second-to-last question in Hard Times is written for this. Leave out anything that asks one parent to explain or judge the other's behavior.
A widowed parent
Most of the list can be asked in the past tense with no other change. The last question in Hard Times is written for them. Some widowed parents want to talk about the marriage and find that people avoid the subject to spare them, so follow their lead on how long to stay with it, and ask whether there are letters, photos or a wedding album to look at together.
A stepparent or a second marriage
Say which marriage you are asking about. A parent may be glad to describe the current one and wary of the first, or the reverse. If a stepparent is in the room, questions about meeting and early years are a friendly way to hear a story you were probably never told.
When a parent would rather not
Some people hold their marriage as private, even from their children, and some marriages include things a parent has decided you are better off not carrying. 'That's fine, tell me about the wedding instead' keeps the door open. Pressing closes it for a long time.
What to do with the answers
If you are engaged or newly married
Share the answers with your partner, and then ask their parents the same questions. Two sets of answers show you what each of you grew up assuming a marriage is. Treat what you hear as one couple's experience and not as a rulebook for yours.
If it is for a school or family project
Ask permission to record or take notes before you begin, and note the dates and places while you are there: the year they met, the town, where the wedding was held. Check with them which stories they are happy to see written down. Something told to you across a kitchen table is not automatically for the class or the cousins.
If you hear something hard
You may learn about a separation, a debt or a bad year you lived through without knowing. Thank them for telling you and give it a few days before you ask anything further. If it stays heavy, talk it over with someone you trust outside the family before you raise it with a sibling.
Say thank you, specifically
Tell them which answer you will remember. Parents rarely hear that the way they got through something was worth knowing about, and saying so is what makes the next conversation possible.