Questions to Ask Your Spouse Every Week
Questions to ask your spouse every week, for a married couple who want a standing twenty-minute check-in rather than a big talk. They run in the order the check-in does: the week behind you, thanks, what went unsaid, the calendar, money and chores ahead, what each of you needs, and something to look forward to. Pick one or two from each group and keep asking the same ones, since the routine does more of the work than any single question.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
The Week
What was the high point of your week, and what was the low?
Why ask it
Start here every week, because both halves are easy to answer and neither needs fixing. If the low is something you didn't know about, ask one question about it and save the rest for later in the check-in.
How would you score this week from one to ten, and what would have made it a point higher?
Why ask it
The number is less useful than the missing point, which is usually small: an earlier night, one dinner at the table. Jot the scores down and after a couple of months you'll see which kinds of weeks drag you both down.
What took the most out of you this week?
Why ask it
Listen for whether it was a person, a task or plain lack of sleep, since each calls for a different kind of help. Don't solve it yet. It often comes back as a request later, when you ask what each of you needs.
Where did we work well as a team this week, and where did we get in each other's way?
Why ask it
Ask for one of each so it doesn't become a list of complaints. The 'in each other's way' half is nearly always a handoff: who thought the other was buying the milk or booking the sitter.
When did you feel closest to me this week?
Why ask it
The answer is rarely the planned thing. If it was ten minutes on the porch or a joke in the car, you've just learned what to protect in next week's calendar.
Was there a point this week when we felt more like roommates than a couple?
Why ask it
A gentler way to ask about distance, and a busy week will often get a yes. Take a yes as scheduling information, not an accusation, and use it when you plan time together in the last group.
What happened this week that I still haven't heard about?
Why ask it
Whole weeks go by in which the only talk is logistics, and stories from work or the school pickup line never get told. One story is plenty. If nothing comes to mind, try 'who made you laugh this week' in its place.
How much time did we get this week that was only the two of us, awake and off our phones?
Why ask it
Count it honestly, in hours. The total is often lower than either of you would have guessed, and it gives you a number to beat when you plan the coming week's evening together.
Thanks
What did I do this week that you appreciated?
Why ask it
Name the day and the thing: 'Tuesday, when you took the early drop-off' beats 'you were great'. The spouse being thanked only says thank you back, with no 'it was nothing'.
What did you do this week that you'd like me to notice?
Why ask it
It can feel like fishing for praise the first few times, so answer it yourself first. What it brings out is the invisible work, like the form that got filled in or the call to the plumber, before that hardens into a grudge.
What did you watch me do this week that made you proud?
Why ask it
Different from being thanked for a favor: this is the hard call to your mother you finally made, or staying calm through a toddler's meltdown. It rarely gets said without a prompt, so describe the moment you saw.
What's one thing from this week that we should repeat next week?
Why ask it
This is appreciation for the pair of you, not for one of you. If the answer is a walk after dinner or cooking on Sunday for the week, put it in the calendar a few questions from now so it happens twice.
Is there a thank-you I owe you that I missed?
Why ask it
It gives your spouse a light way to say 'I did that and you said nothing'. Say the thanks on the spot, plainly, and skip the explanation of why you missed it.
Who helped us this week, and how do we thank them?
Why ask it
A grandparent who covered a sick day, the neighbor who took in a package. Decide who sends the message or drops off the cookies before you move on, or the good intention never leaves the table.
Unsaid
Is anything from this week still sitting with you?
Why ask it
Ask it in the same words every week so it stops sounding like the start of trouble. Most weeks the answer is no, and that routine no is what makes a yes easy to say.
Did I say or do anything this week that hurt, even a little?
Why ask it
'Even a little' matters: it invites the small things while they are still small. When you get an answer, say it back in your own words before you explain what you meant.
Is there something from this week I should apologize for?
Why ask it
Offer your own guess first if you have one. An apology here is one sentence about what you did, with no 'but' after it; the reasons can wait for another day.
What did you almost bring up this week and then let go?
Why ask it
Some things are fine to let go, so 'nothing worth going back to' is a fair answer. If the same almost-topic turns up two weeks running, it isn't being let go, and it should get an evening of its own.
Did we leave a disagreement or a decision half finished this week?
Why ask it
The aim is to name it and pick a time, not to finish it during the check-in. 'The thing about your mother's visit, Thursday after the kids are down' is a complete answer.
Did I decide something this week that you wish we'd decided together?
Why ask it
It catches the invitations accepted, the purchases and the plans for the kids that one of you settled alone. The useful follow-up is where the line sits: what size of decision needs a text first?
Is there something you've been waiting for me to ask about?
Why ask it
Your spouse may have mentioned the job application, the doctor's appointment or the hard conversation with a sibling once and then watched you forget it. If the answer is yes, ask about it right then.
Is anything outside the two of us weighing on you: work, family, a friend?
Why ask it
A short temper at home often starts somewhere else, and this lets your spouse say so. Ask whether they want you to do anything about it, and believe a no.
Ahead
What's on the calendar this week, day by day?
Why ask it
Open the calendar and walk Monday to Sunday out loud; it takes about two minutes. Late meetings, appointments and the night one of you is out get found now and not on the morning itself.
Which day this week will be the hardest, and what's the plan for it?
Why ask it
Every week has one, usually where two commitments collide. Decide now who covers what and what dinner is that night, so the hard day arrives with its plan already made.
Who has pickups, drop-offs and dinners on which nights?
Why ask it
For couples with kids at home, this is the one that prevents the frantic late-afternoon phone call. Write the answers where both of you can see them. Without children, skip it or just split the cooking.
Is there anything with the kids this week that we need to be on the same page about?
Why ask it
Settle your shared answer now, before a child collects a yes from one parent and a no from the other. A sleepover request, a slipping bedtime or a note from a teacher is the usual size of it. Skip this one if there are no children at home.
Are any bills, renewals or deadlines due this week?
Why ask it
Keep it to what falls due in the next seven days: the car registration, a school form, a card payment. Each one gets a name beside it, so neither of you assumes the other has it.
Is there a purchase coming up that we should agree on first?
Why ask it
Raise it before the money is spent, which is a far easier conversation than the one afterward. If you don't yet have a figure above which you check with each other, this is the week to set one.
Did any spending this week surprise either of us?
Why ask it
Put the question to the account and not to each other: look over the week's transactions together for a minute. A surprise is a prompt to adjust the coming week, and the full budget talk belongs to a separate, longer sit-down.
Which chores are whose this week, and does anything need to trade hands?
Why ask it
The usual split stops fitting when one of you has a deadline or a cold. Trading for a single week is easier to ask for, and to grant, than renegotiating the whole arrangement.
What's the one job around the house that can't slip another week?
Why ask it
One job, not a list: the gutter, the tax folder, the overdue dentist booking. Give it a day and a person, and check on it first thing at the next check-in.
Is anyone coming to stay or to dinner, and what has to be ready?
Why ask it
Guests are where unspoken expectations about cleaning and cooking tend to collide. Settle who shops, who cooks and what 'ready' means to each of you while the visit is still days away.
What are we saying no to this week?
Why ask it
A full calendar usually needs something taken out, not just fitted in. Agree on the one invitation or errand you'll drop, and on who sends the regrets.
Needs
What do you need from me this week?
Why ask it
The useful answers are things that can be done by next week: 'be home by six on Thursday', not 'be more supportive'. A request that concrete can be followed up in seven days, which keeps the routine honest.
What did you ask me for last week, and did I come through?
Why ask it
This is the question that gives the one before it teeth. If the answer is no, skip the excuses and say whether you'll do it this week or whether it was the wrong thing to promise.
Which of your jobs could I take over for the next seven days?
Why ask it
It works better than a general offer of help because it asks for a specific job with an end date. Take the whole job, including remembering it, so your spouse doesn't have to supervise.
What are you nervous about in the week ahead, and do you want my ideas or just my ear?
Why ask it
The second half saves a lot of grief, since advice handed to someone who wanted listening rarely lands well. If it's a presentation or a hard phone call, ask on the day how it went.
Which evening or morning this week is yours, and which is mine?
Why ask it
Each of you gets one stretch with no duties while the other runs the house. Put both in the calendar before you move on. If one of you claims not to need one, schedule it anyway and let them decide on the day.
What are you working toward right now, and what's this week's step?
Why ask it
Your part is to remember the step and ask about it next week: 'how did the application go' is plenty. Offer help with it only if you're asked, since a goal with a supervisor stops being fun.
Did you get enough affection from me this week: a proper hello, a hug, a hand held?
Why ask it
Affection is easy to lose in a busy week without either of you deciding to stop. The answer helps most when it names a moment, like the goodbye in the morning, because that can change tomorrow.
Is there one small thing I could do differently this week?
Why ask it
Texting when you're running late or putting the phone away at dinner is the right size of answer. Hear it as a request for the coming week and not a verdict on you, and report back on it at the next check-in.
How rested are you going into this week?
Why ask it
A quick read on the tank before Monday. If one of you is running on empty, go back to the calendar and move something, or agree who gets the first early night.
How can I pray for you this week?
Why ask it
This one is for couples who share a faith. A prayer request tends to name the real worry of the week, so listen to it as an answer too. If prayer isn't part of your marriage, 'what should I keep in mind for you this week' does similar work.
Look Forward
What are you looking forward to this week?
Why ask it
If the answer is 'nothing', treat it as the cue for the next two questions and not as a reason for alarm. Small counts: lunch with a friend, a new episode, the first cool morning.
When is our time together this week, and what are we doing with it?
Why ask it
Takeout and a movie at home counts, as long as it has an evening attached. Time that's only hoped for gets eaten by whatever else comes up, so write it down beside the dentist and the pickups.
What's one small treat we could plan before next week's check-in?
Why ask it
Keep it cheap and certain: the good bakery on Saturday, a card game after the kids are asleep. Take turns choosing from week to week so the planning doesn't always fall to the same spouse.
What do you want from the weekend: rest, people, or getting something done?
Why ask it
Plenty of couples find out on Saturday morning that one wanted to clear the garage and the other wanted to sleep. Hearing it midweek lets you split the days, one for each, without anyone feeling ambushed.
What's coming in the next month or two that we should start planning?
Why ask it
You're only deciding the first step and who takes it, such as checking flights or asking for the day off. Birthdays, school breaks and a relative's visit are the usual candidates, and one item a week is plenty.
Is there anything we should change about how we do this check-in?
Why ask it
Once a month is often enough for this one. Common fixes are a different day, a shorter list, or swapping out a question that always gets the same answer.
What do you want to be able to say when we sit down next week?
Why ask it
A good closer, because it boils the whole conversation down to one sentence each: 'that I slept', 'that we had our Friday'. Open the following check-in by asking whether it came true.
Running a weekly check-in with your husband or wife
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Setting up the weekly sit-down
Give it a fixed slot
Same day, same hour, same two chairs: Sunday evening once the dishes are done, or Saturday over the first coffee. A check-in that waits for both of you to feel like it gets skipped in exactly the weeks that need it, so put it in the calendar as a repeating event.
Choose your handful once
Nobody asks the whole page every week. Pick one or two questions from each of the six groups, eight to ten in all, and keep them on a card or in a shared note. Asking the same ones each week is the point: you both arrive already knowing your answers.
Twenty minutes, on a timer
A rough split that works: five minutes for The Week and Thanks, five for Unsaid, seven for the calendar, money and chores, three for Needs and Look Forward. When the timer goes, whatever is unfinished gets a day and an hour of its own before either of you stands up.
Both answer, one writes
Every question goes both ways, and you swap who answers first from week to week. One of you keeps the short list of who is doing what by when. That list is the first thing you read aloud the following week.
Keep the groups in order
Thanks comes before Unsaid on purpose, because a hard sentence is easier to hear from someone who thanked you two minutes ago. Logistics sit in the middle, and the closing group is about plans, so you get up from the table with something pleasant agreed.
When an answer stings
Say thanks before anything else
'Thank you for telling me' is the whole first reply. It is hard to say when you feel accused, and it is what makes your spouse willing to answer the Unsaid questions honestly next Sunday too.
Ask one question, then stop
'What would you have liked me to do?' is usually the right one. It moves the two of you from what happened to what to do next week, which is the only part of it the check-in can change.
Park what is too big
Anything that needs more than five minutes gets an appointment: 'Wednesday, after dinner, the thing about the holidays'. Write it on the list with the chores. The check-in is for raising things; it was never built for settling them.
One hard answer per week
If your spouse has just told you something that hurt to hear, hold your own Unsaid answer until next week unless it truly can't wait. Trading hurts back and forth turns a routine into a fight with an agenda.
Agree on the pause in advance
Either of you can call ten minutes if voices rise, with no explanation owed. Come back and at least finish the calendar and the chores, so the week still runs even if the rest waits.
Keeping it going past the first month
When you miss a week
Don't hold a double session to make up for it. Do the three-question version in the car or over the phone: one thank-you, the calendar walk, one need each. Then meet as normal at the usual hour next week.
With children in the house
After bedtime works, and so does a walk with the stroller. Keep the Unsaid group away from small ears. Older children can sit in on the calendar part if you like, since half of it is their schedule anyway.
When one of you is traveling
Do it by phone and put the Ahead group first, because the spouse at home is carrying the week alone and needs the plan more than the review. Save Unsaid for when you are back at one table.
If your spouse is lukewarm about it
Start with only Thanks and Ahead for a month and call it the planning meeting. Most people will sit down for ten minutes that make the week run more smoothly. Add one Unsaid question once the habit is there.
Refresh the handful each season
Every three months, go through your card together. Drop any question that has had the same answer for weeks, bring in one from the page you haven't tried, and keep the calendar walk no matter what.
What a weekly check-in can't do
It is not the place for a crisis
Twenty minutes a week keeps a working marriage in good repair. If the two of you are in serious trouble, that calls for longer conversations on their own evenings, and possibly a counselor you both choose.
It is not a performance review
The one-to-ten score is for the week, never for your spouse. If the Thanks group starts to feel like grading, or Needs like a list of faults, go back to asking only what would help in the next seven days.
It is not the budget meeting
The money questions here only flag what is due and what surprised you. Savings, debt and bigger plans need the statements open and more time, so give them an hour of their own once a month.
If one of you dreads it
Say so when you reach the last group and change the format: shorter, a different day, fewer questions. If the dread is about how your spouse reacts to honest answers, that is bigger than a routine can fix, and worth raising with a counselor or someone you trust.