Questions to Ask Your Spouse to Save Your Marriage
Questions to ask your spouse to save your marriage, for a husband or wife who wants to repair things and needs a way to start the conversation. They follow the order the talk tends to go: where you each stand, what went wrong, what has gone unsaid, what you each need, how you fight, and what you will both change. Each has a note on what a hopeful or a worrying answer sounds like, and the guide below covers counseling and what to do if you are afraid of your spouse.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Where We Are
Do you still want this marriage to work?
Why ask it
Ask it once and let the silence run. 'I don't know, but I want to want it' is a workable answer and an honest one. The reply to worry about is a yes that is only about the house, the children or what people would say.
From one to ten, how hopeful are you about us right now?
Why ask it
The number matters less than the distance between yours and theirs. If you say seven and your spouse says two, the gap is the first subject. Follow up by asking what would move it up by a single point.
What are you afraid will happen if we talk about this honestly?
Why ask it
Common fears are that it turns into a fight, becomes a list of faults, or gets quoted back in the next argument. Agree on a rule that answers the fear they name before you go any further. If the fear is yours, and it is of your spouse's temper, read the last section of the guide first.
Do you still love me, even if you don't like me much right now?
Why ask it
Splitting the two gives your spouse an honest way to say yes. 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' is a hard answer and a common one: ask what went quiet and when, and leave whether it can come back for another day. If a no tonight would flatten you, keep this one for a counselor's office.
What is still good between us, even now?
Why ask it
Small answers count: you still make each other coffee, you are a good team with the children, you can still laugh at the same things. If your spouse draws a blank, offer yours first, since a pause here can be tiredness and not a verdict.
If nothing changed, where do you think we would be a year from now?
Why ask it
This shows whether you see the same urgency. One of you answering 'about the same' while the other says 'separated' explains a lot about who has been pushing and who has been stalling. Ask what the forecast is based on before you argue with it.
Have you thought about leaving, and how far did the thought go?
Why ask it
A passing daydream, a look at apartment listings and a call to a lawyer are three different places to be. Whatever you hear, thank them for saying it, because an honest answer that gets punished is the last one you will be given.
What Went Wrong
When did you first feel that something between us had shifted?
Why ask it
Ask for a moment and not a year: the move, the second baby, the new job, the night one of you started sleeping on the couch. Two different dates are normal, and the earlier one tells you how long that person has been carrying this alone.
What do you think is the real problem, underneath the things we argue about?
Why ask it
Dishes, money and in-laws are usually standing in for something else. A hopeful answer names a feeling, such as unimportant, managed or alone. If you get a list of your faults instead, write it down without replying and go to the next question.
What part of this do you think is yours?
Why ask it
Anything specific counts, even 'I stopped telling you things.' If the answer is 'nothing,' arguing will not improve it. Give your own part in full, leave theirs alone, and ask again on another day.
What do you think I don't understand about how this has been for you?
Why ask it
Say back what you heard before you respond to any of it, and ask if you got it right. Understanding their account is not the same as agreeing with it, and you can say so. People often soften a little once they hear their own version repeated accurately.
Was there a time you really needed me and I wasn't there?
Why ask it
Expect a specific day: a funeral, a hospital corridor, the week their job fell apart. Resist explaining where you were. 'I see that now, and I'm sorry' comes first, and your side of it can wait until you are asked.
What changed in our life that we never adjusted to?
Why ask it
This one puts some of the blame on events and takes it off the two of you: a baby, a lost job, an illness, a parent who needs care. That makes it a good question for a spouse who gets defensive fast. After the answer, trade what each of you quietly dropped in order to cope.
What did we stop doing that used to hold us together?
Why ask it
The answer is nearly always ordinary: eating at the table, the call at lunch, going to bed at the same time. Choose one and bring it back this week without waiting for the larger problems to be solved. It is the cheapest repair on this page.
Has something outside this marriage been getting the attention I used to get?
Why ask it
It could be work, a screen, the children, a hobby, a friendship or another person. Ask only if you can stand to hear the answer. If it is an affair, stop here: that is a different conversation with its own questions, and one to have with a counselor if you can.
Left Unsaid
What have you been holding against me that you have never said out loud?
Why ask it
Agree in advance that the only reply tonight is 'thank you for telling me.' You cannot do anything about a resentment you have never heard, so the worse the answer, the more useful it is. Defending yourself ends the supply.
Is there anything you no longer trust me with?
Why ask it
Trust tends to go in pieces: money, a confidence, showing up when you said you would, keeping your temper. A named piece is good news, because you can rebuild it by doing that one thing reliably where your spouse can see it. 'I don't trust you with anything' is too big for a kitchen table, so bring it to a counselor.
What did I say or do that you still replay?
Why ask it
It may be one sentence from years ago, and you may have no memory of it. Leave the question of whether it happened that way alone. What it meant to them is the thing to ask about, and it is usually bigger than the words.
What apology are you still waiting for?
Why ask it
Ask what it would need to include, then give it only if you mean it. A forced apology on the spot is worse than 'I need a day with that,' as long as you come back in a day.
What have you given up for this marriage that I never acknowledged?
Why ask it
Being seen is usually what is wanted here, not repayment, whether the thing given up was a career, a city or a circle of friends. If it comes out as 'you owe me,' ask what acknowledgment would look like and start there.
Where do you feel taken for granted?
Why ask it
Listen for the work nobody sees: the earning, the planning, the remembering, the getting up at night. A blanket thank-you now does little, while thanks for one named thing next week, unprompted, tells them you listened.
What decision did we make that you went along with but never agreed to?
Why ask it
You may hear about the move, another child, a loan to a relative, or which of you stopped working. Some of these cannot be undone, so ask whether they want it revisited or simply want it known. Those are different requests and people rarely say which.
What do you tell other people about us that you haven't told me?
Why ask it
A sister or a close friend often gets a clearer version than the spouse does. Make clear you are asking for that version and not accusing anyone of disloyalty. If the answer is that they talk to no one, they have been alone with this, and that is worth knowing too.
Needs
When you bring something up, do you feel that I listen?
Why ask it
The answer to worry about is 'I stopped bringing things up.' Ask for the last time they tried and what you did with it: reached for your phone, offered a fix, or explained why they were wrong. Whichever it was, that is the habit to catch yourself in this week.
What do you miss most about how we used to be?
Why ask it
Ask for a scene, like the kitchen in the first apartment or the long drives with no destination. Missing something is a good sign in itself, because indifference has nothing to miss. Then ask which piece of it could fit into a weeknight now.
What did you ask me for, more than once, that never happened?
Why ask it
These are the requests that got dropped: help at bedtime, a call when you are running late, a weekend without your phone. Promising all of them at once is how they got dropped the first time. Choose one and do it for a month without announcing it.
When did you last feel that I was on your side?
Why ask it
A recent date is encouraging. If it was years ago, ask what you did that day, because it is a description of what they need. Often it was taking their side against someone else: a boss, a parent, a difficult child.
What makes you feel alone, even when we are in the same room?
Why ask it
The usual culprits are phones at dinner, television in separate rooms and talk that never gets past schedules and bills. The complaint is about attention and seldom about hours, so ask what ten minutes of your full attention a day would be spent on.
What kind of affection would feel good to you right now, given where we are?
Why ask it
In a strained marriage, touch can feel like pressure and its absence like rejection, sometimes on the same day. A good answer is small: sit next to me, a hug at the door, a hand on my back. Take it literally and do not negotiate upward.
What do you think happened to the physical closeness we used to have?
Why ask it
Keep to how it has felt and stay away from a tally of who turned whom down. You will likely hear two accounts, one of feeling rejected and one of feeling pressured or unseen, and both can be true. If the subject is too sore for the kitchen table, save it for a counselor's office.
What do you need more of for yourself: time, rest, friends, or work that matters to you?
Why ask it
A person who is worn out, or whose life has shrunk to work and chores, has little left to bring to a repair. Wanting room is not the warning sign here; a spouse who can no longer name anything they want is. Ask what you would have to pick up to make that room.
What do you still admire about me?
Why ask it
Admiration is a separate thing from affection, and it helps to find out whether some is left. One true thing is enough to work with. If nothing comes tonight, don't push: say one thing you admire in them and leave it there.
Fighting
What happens inside you when we start to argue?
Why ask it
People describe a racing heart, a blank mind, an urge to leave the room or a need to win. The spouse who goes silent often looks as if they do not care and describes something closer to panic. Hearing it changes how you read the silence next time.
What do I do in a fight that makes it impossible for you to keep talking?
Why ask it
The eye-roll, the raised voice, the thing from five years ago, walking out, 'you always.' Take whichever is named and drop it for a month, since it is the half of the pattern you control. Then answer the same question about them, once, without piling on.
Which argument do we keep having, and where does it always go off the rails?
Why ask it
Give it a name, like 'the one about your mother,' and walk through it as if you were describing two other people: who starts, who raises the stakes, who leaves the room. A repeat argument often turns at the same line every time. Find that line and decide what either of you will do differently when you hear it.
How do we usually make up, and does it settle anything?
Why ask it
Plenty of couples make up by letting a day pass and acting normal, which ends the fight and leaves the subject where it was. A good sign is either of you being able to recall going back to the subject once you had both calmed down. If neither can, that is the habit to build.
What could either of us say to stop a fight before it does damage?
Why ask it
Settle on a word or a sentence and a time to come back, such as 'pause, twenty minutes.' The return time is what makes it a pause and not a walkout. Try it on a small disagreement before you need it for a large one.
What should be off limits when we argue from now on?
Why ask it
A threat to leave thrown out in anger makes every later fight feel like the last one, so consider putting it first. Other candidates are name-calling, each other's families, old confidences used as ammunition and arguing in front of the children. Keep the list short enough that you will both remember it in the middle of an argument.
After a bad fight, what do you need from me in the first hour?
Why ask it
One of you probably wants to talk it out at once and the other wants the door closed, and each reads the other's way as an attack or a desertion. Trade exact requests: 'leave me be until I come out,' or 'tell me we're okay even though we're not finished.' If the answer is always 'nothing, just drop it,' ask what they do with the anger instead.
What do the children see and hear when we fight?
Why ask it
Describe what they would report, not what you intend. If either of you winces at the description, agree on where and when arguments happen from now on, and what you say to the children after one they overheard. Skip this if there are no children at home.
Repair
What one thing could I change that would make the biggest difference to you?
Why ask it
One, not five. A behavior is a fair request (put the phone away at dinner, tell me when plans change) and a personality is not (be less sensitive, be more fun). If you get the second kind, ask what it would look like on an ordinary Tuesday.
What are you willing to change, starting this week?
Why ask it
Listen for a verb and a day; 'I'll try to be better' has neither. Do not grade the offer. Say it back so you have both heard the same thing, and make one of your own that is about the same size.
What are you not willing to change, so that I can stop waiting for it?
Why ask it
A hard question that can save years, because some things turn out to be fixed: a career, a faith, closeness to a parent, wanting or not wanting another child. A clear no lets you decide whether you can live with it. Take it to a counselor before either of you treats it as final.
Would you see a marriage counselor with me, and what would make you say yes?
Why ask it
The objection is usually specific: the cost, the time, the fear of being ganged up on, a bad experience before. Answer that one thing, for instance by letting them choose the counselor or agreeing to three sessions and then deciding. Ask any counselor how they work and what they charge before you book, because it differs from one to the next.
How long do we try on our own before we bring someone in?
Why ask it
Set a date now, a month or six weeks out, or one of you will always think it is too soon and the other too late. A good answer has a number in it. If you get 'let's see how it goes,' ask what they would need to see by that date to believe it is going well.
Who do we each lean on while we work on this, and what stays between the two of us?
Why ask it
You each need someone, but a parent who hears every complaint will remember it long after you have made up. Agree on who and how much. A counselor, a faith leader or a friend who likes you both is a safer ear than someone who has already picked a side.
How will we know in three months that things are getting better?
Why ask it
Agree on things you could both observe: fewer nights going to bed angry, one evening a week kept for the two of you, a hard subject raised without a fight. Feelings tend to trail behind behavior, so count the signs before you ask whether it feels different.
When do we sit down and check on this again?
Why ask it
Put it on the calendar before you get up: the same time each week, twenty minutes, not in bed and not in the car. One conversation rarely turns a marriage around. The standing appointment is what tells you both this was not a one-off.
If we get through this, what do you hope we will say about this year?
Why ask it
This asks you both to picture having come through. 'That was the year we nearly lost it and learned to talk' is the kind of answer to hope for. If your spouse cannot picture it yet, give your own version and let theirs come when it comes.
How to have this conversation with your spouse
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you ask the first one
Ask for the talk, don't spring it
Say what you want and when: 'I want us to be better than this, and I'd like an hour on Saturday to talk about it.' A spouse who is handed a list at eleven at night hears an indictment. Giving notice also lets them come with questions of their own.
One group at a sitting
The six groups are six conversations, not one. Where We Are and What Went Wrong can share an evening; Left Unsaid deserves its own, with nothing scheduled afterward. Stop while you are both still civil, even if you are in the middle of a group.
Answer everything you ask
Every question here works in both directions, and a spouse who only asks is conducting an interview. After their answer, give yours at about the same length. On the hard ones, such as what part of this is yours, offer to go first.
Listen to the end
Let them finish, wait two breaths, and say back what you heard before adding anything. You are allowed to disagree later. Tonight the job is to find out what the marriage looks like from the other chair.
What to do with a worrying answer
Do not rule on it in the moment. Write it down, say 'that is hard to hear and I am glad you said it,' and come back to it at the next sitting or with a counselor. One bleak answer on a tired evening is not the last word.
Keeping it from turning into a fight
Agree on the pause first
Before the first question, settle how either of you can call a break and when you will resume. Twenty minutes apart, then back to the same question or on to the next. A break with no return time looks like walking out.
Speak for yourself
'I felt alone that year' can be heard. 'You abandoned me' starts a trial. Where a question invites a complaint about your spouse, answer with what happened and what it was like for you, and leave out what kind of person it makes them.
One subject at a time
When the money argument drifts into the in-laws and then into last Christmas, say 'that one is on the list, let's finish this first.' Keep a sheet of paper for subjects that come up out of turn, so nobody feels theirs was dropped.
If your spouse will not talk
Shrink the request. One question on a walk or in the car, where nobody has to hold eye contact, is easier than an hour at the table. Some people answer better in writing, so offer to trade letters on a single question and talk afterward.
Finish with something to do
End each sitting with one small thing each of you will do before the next: a call at lunch, phones off at dinner, Thursday evening kept free. Talk that has changed nothing by the following week teaches both of you that talking is pointless.
When to bring in a counselor
Signs it is time
The same fight has come around three times with no movement. One of you has gone quiet and stays quiet. There is a subject, such as an affair, money kept hidden or drinking, that neither of you can raise without the evening ending. Any one of these is a reason to stop trying alone.
Choosing one
Look for someone whose work is with couples, and ask before you book: how they run sessions, whether they see you together or also apart, how long they expect it to take, and what it costs. Fees, licensing and what insurance or an employer program covers differ by place and provider, so ask how it works where you live.
If your spouse refuses to go
Ask what the objection is and meet it, as in the Repair group. If the answer is still no, going on your own is not a consolation prize: you can work on your half of the pattern, and a spouse sometimes joins once they see it is not an ambush.
After an affair
Couples do repair marriages after an affair, but these questions are not built for the first weeks after one comes out. Start with a counselor if you can, and use this list later, once the facts are known and you have both decided to stay and try.
When these questions are the wrong tool
If you are afraid of your spouse
This page assumes two people who are safe with each other. If your spouse hits you, threatens you, controls your money, your phone or who you see, or if you are afraid of how they would react to these questions, do not use the list to try harder. Talk first, on your own and before you suggest counseling together, to a domestic abuse hotline or service in your country, a doctor, or someone you trust, and ask what help exists where you live. If you are in danger right now, call your local emergency number.
If you are the only one trying
It takes two people to repair a marriage. If your spouse answers the first group by saying they are done, believe them enough to stop pressing the questions, and find support for yourself. The decision in front of you has changed, and it deserves its own conversation.
If something else is driving it
Heavy drinking, gambling, a long low mood or a crisis at work can make a marriage look worse than it is, and no list of questions treats any of them. Say what you see, ask your spouse to get help for it from a doctor or a service that deals with it, and come back to these questions once that is under way.