Questions to Ask Potential Adoptive Parents
For an expectant mother, on her own or deciding with the baby's father, who is about to talk with a couple or a single person hoping to adopt her baby. The six groups follow the order a first call or match meeting tends to take: why they want to adopt, their home and family, how they would parent, faith and values, how your child would learn their own story, and contact with you afterwards, ending with the days at the hospital. Pick the ten or so that matter most to you, because on this call you are the one doing the choosing.
The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Why adoption
What brought you to adoption?
Why ask it
Let them tell it at their own speed, and notice whether the answer is about a child or mostly about what they have been missing. If two people are on the call, ask the quieter one to tell it too.
What did your profile leave out that you would want me to know?
Why ask it
Profiles are polished, so this is where the real people show up: the messy garage, the stepbrother nobody mentioned, the dog that sheds. An answer with a laugh in it is worth more than a tidy one. 'Nothing, really' deserves a gentle second try.
What went through your minds when you first read about my situation?
Why ask it
This opens the door to whatever is in your file, whether that is your age, money, past drug use or the baby's father. Respect sounds specific and curious. Pity, or a quick change of subject, tells you something as well.
Have you been matched with an expectant mother before, and what happened?
Why ask it
Pay attention to how they speak about a woman who decided to parent. Sadness is honest. Blame, or the word 'failed' used about her, tells you how they might talk about you someday.
If you tried to have a baby yourselves first, how are you doing with that now?
Why ask it
Asked kindly, it is a fair question. You hope to hear that they have had time to be sad about it, and that the baby you are carrying would be loved for who they are, not as a stand-in for the child they once pictured. Leave it out if they have already said this is not part of their story.
Who in your life is adopted or has placed a child, and what have you learned from them?
Why ask it
Families who know adoptees and birth parents personally tend to answer the later questions about contact with less theory. Knowing no one is not a mark against them, but ask whether they would sit down with a birth mother or an adult adoptee before the baby comes.
What have you done to get ready for raising an adopted child in particular?
Why ask it
A finished nursery is not the answer you are after. Listen for training, reading or conversations about how adoption can feel to a child at different ages, then ask which part surprised them most.
Home and family
How did the two of you meet, and how long have you been together?
Why ask it
Every couple has told this story before, so it settles their nerves and yours. The number of years matters less than how they talk about each other while they tell it. With someone adopting alone, ask who they talk a hard decision through with.
Do you have other children, and how do they feel about a new brother or sister?
Why ask it
Find out how each child came to the family and, if any were adopted, how much their birth families are in the picture. The way they treat a birth mother they already know is the closest preview you will get. If there are no children yet, ask whether they hope for more after this one.
Where do you live, and what is it like to be a child on your street?
Why ask it
Ask about what the child would see every day: a yard or a park, other kids nearby, the walk or drive to school. If you hope for visits, find out how many hours away they are and whether a job is likely to move them.
What does an ordinary Tuesday look like in your house right now?
Why ask it
A plain weekday shows more than a list of hobbies does. Follow with what would have to change once a baby is there, and which of them has already agreed to change it.
What do you do for fun when you have a free weekend?
Why ask it
Hiking, a church softball league, video games, a standing dinner with friends: whatever they say is a sketch of your child's Saturdays. Ask which of those they picture doing with a little one in tow, and which they expect to set aside for a few years.
Who will be home with the baby in the first months, and what is the plan after that?
Why ask it
Leave differs from job to job, so ask how much each of them has arranged with an employer, as opposed to what they hope to get. A named daycare, a grandmother or a part-time schedule is a plan. 'We'll figure it out' is not one yet.
What work do you each do, and what would happen if one of you lost a job?
Why ask it
You do not need a salary figure, and most people would not offer one. You are checking that they have thought about a bad year: savings, a second income, relatives who would help. If asking feels too blunt, your counselor can tell you what the agency or attorney looked at in their finances.
Who are the grandparents, aunts and uncles, and how did they take the news that you are adopting?
Why ask it
A child grows up among these people, so a lukewarm grandparent matters. Put the follow-up plainly: would anyone in the family treat an adopted grandchild differently, and what would you do about it?
Who are the three people you would call at two in the morning?
Why ask it
Names come quickly from people who really have help nearby. It matters most for a single parent or a couple living far from relatives, so ask how close those three live and whether they know about the adoption.
Who would raise the child if something happened to both of you?
Why ask it
Hopeful parents have often been asked to name a guardian already, so a blank look is a small flag. Then ask whether that person knows about the contact you are discussing and would keep it going.
Is there anything about your health I should hear from you directly?
Why ask it
All you are asking is whether they expect to be well enough to see a child through to adulthood. A calm, straight answer about a condition they manage is reassuring. Your counselor can tell you whether their approval process looked at health and how.
Is there anything from your past that you would rather explain yourselves than have me read in a file?
Why ask it
It gives them room to mention an old arrest, a divorce or a rough stretch before you hear it secondhand. People who offer the story without being cornered are showing you how they would handle an awkward truth with a child.
Parenting
How were you each raised, and what would you keep or do differently?
Why ask it
Plenty of people parent partly like their own mother and father and partly in reaction to them. Someone who can name one thing to keep and one to drop has thought about it, so ask for the story behind the one they would drop.
How would you handle discipline with a toddler, a nine-year-old and a teenager?
Why ask it
Giving three ages keeps the answer from stopping at time-outs. If spanking or any physical punishment matters to you one way or the other, ask about it by name, because families rarely raise it unprompted.
Where do the two of you disagree about raising children?
Why ask it
Screens, sleep, how strict to be: there is nearly always one. Hearing it named is the point, and so is watching whether one of them answers for both.
What do you do when you are at the end of your patience?
Why ask it
Ask for the last time it happened, even if it was with a nephew or a coworker. 'I leave the room' or 'I call my sister' is more believable than 'I don't really get angry'.
If the baby has a medical or developmental need that nobody expected, what would you do?
Why ask it
If something about the pregnancy already worries you, such as an early delivery or something you took before you knew, say it here and watch their faces. You are listening for 'this is our child whatever comes'. Hesitation is far better discovered on this call than at the hospital.
What are your thoughts on school, and how much does college matter to you?
Why ask it
If education is one of your reasons for considering adoption, tell them what you hope for. Then ask what happens if the child struggles in class or wants a trade, since that shows how fixed the plan is.
What family traditions are you most looking forward to sharing?
Why ask it
Holidays, camping trips and Sunday pancakes give you a picture of the childhood on offer. See whether there is room in it for something of yours, such as a recipe or a birthday custom.
Faith and values
What part does faith play in your home, and how would the child be brought up in it?
Why ask it
Ask about the week, not the label: services, prayers at meals, a religious school. If you want your child raised in a faith, or outside one, say so now, because this is one of the hardest things to reopen after placement.
What values do you most want to pass on, and where would I see them in your life today?
Why ask it
Anyone can say kindness and honesty. The second half asks for evidence: how they spend a Saturday, who they show up for, how they talk about people they disagree with.
How would you respond if your child grew up to believe, love or live differently from you?
Why ask it
Nobody knows who this baby will be at sixteen, so you are choosing parents for every version of them. If the answer comes with conditions, ask what the conditions are.
What if this child turns out nothing like you in looks, temperament or interests?
Why ask it
A baby may carry your laugh, your stubbornness or the birth father's love of engines into a house of quiet readers. The answer you want treats that as something to enjoy, and to trace back to you out loud for the child.
If my baby's race or culture is different from yours, what would change about how you live?
Why ask it
'We don't see color' and 'love is enough' are thin answers. Listen for particulars: who in their neighborhood, school and circle of friends shares the child's background, what they are ready to learn about hair and skin care, and whether they have listened to adults who grew up in families that did not look like them. Leave this one out if it does not apply.
The child's story
When and how will you first tell the child they were adopted?
Why ask it
Many families say they will talk about it from the first day so that there is never a moment of finding out. Ask what that looks like in their house: a picture book, a photo of you on a shelf, the words they would say to a three-year-old.
What will you say about me and why I made this decision?
Why ask it
Have them say the actual sentences. If their version is not how you would put it, give them your words, since this may be your best chance to hand the story to the people who will tell it.
How will you talk about the birth father, even if that part is hard to tell?
Why ask it
A child will ask about him sooner or later. You want parents who would tell the truth at a size a child can carry, without contempt, so share only as much as you are ready to and see how they receive it.
Would you keep a name I choose, or find a place for it?
Why ask it
Some families keep the name, some make it a middle name and some arrive with their own picked out. Find out before the birth so that a form is not where you learn it. How names are recorded differs from place to place, so have your counselor walk you through it.
If I write a letter or send a keepsake, where would it be kept and when would the child get it?
Why ask it
A good answer names a place and an age, and treats the thing as belonging to the child. Keep a copy yourself, or leave one with the agency, in case a box goes missing in a move.
What will you do on the days the child is sad or angry about being adopted?
Why ask it
Some children grieve and some hardly seem to, and parents do not get to pick. The reassuring answer makes room for the feeling without taking it as an insult, and mentions finding a counselor who knows adoption if the child needs one.
How will you answer when a relative or a stranger asks about the child's 'real' mother?
Why ask it
It will come up in a checkout line or at a holiday dinner, with the child listening. Their reply shows whether they are secure enough as parents to speak well of you in public.
Would you want my family's health history, and would you tell me about anything medical that turns up in the child?
Why ask it
Offer what you know and be plain about what you don't. Information going both ways matters, because something found in the child could be useful to you or to other children you have.
Contact and hospital
What does open adoption mean to you, in your own words?
Why ask it
The same two words cover a yearly letter and a seat at every birthday party, so get their picture before you describe yours. If theirs is smaller, you have learned the most important thing on the call.
How often would you send photos and updates, and by what means?
Why ask it
Push for numbers: monthly in the first year, twice a year after that, by text, shared album or letters through the agency. Warm but vague promises can fade, and a family that lets itself be pinned down has usually thought it through.
Would you be open to visits, and what would one look like?
Why ask it
Get the where, the how long and the who else. If you hear 'when the child is older' or 'as long as it is healthy for the child', ask who decides that and what they would base it on.
Would you post photos of the child online, and how would you feel about me sharing the ones you send?
Why ask it
Some families keep a child off the internet entirely and some post every milestone. Settle both directions now, including whether your own relatives may pass pictures along, because a photo that surfaces on a feed nobody agreed to is an easy way for trust to crack.
What would you want the child to call me?
Why ask it
Some families use a first name, some pair a word like 'Mama' with your name, and some wait for the child to invent one. If any of the options stings, tell them on this call and not at the first visit.
Could the baby's father, my parents or my other children be part of visits and updates?
Why ask it
Grandparents and siblings are losing someone too, and a child who knows their brothers and sisters from the start never has to go looking for them. If the baby's father wants contact of his own, raise that separately, since the family may feel differently about each of you. Where they hesitate, ask what would make them comfortable.
What would you do if I went quiet for a year and then wanted to be back in touch?
Why ask it
Some birth mothers step away for a while because contact hurts before it helps. The answer to hope for is that the updates keep going to an email address or the agency, and nobody makes you earn your way back.
What would make you want to pull back on contact, and would you talk to me before you did?
Why ask it
Every family has a line, and it is better to know where it is than to trip over it. Ask them to promise the conversation: that a worry gets raised with you before a visit quietly disappears from the calendar.
How will contact change once the child is old enough to have a say?
Why ask it
A ten-year-old may want more of you than the schedule gives, or less for a while. Parents who plan to follow the child's lead, and to tell you honestly what the child is asking for, are thinking about the right person.
Will you put what we agree to in writing?
Why ask it
Writing it down makes both sides say exactly what they mean by 'open'. Whether a written agreement can be enforced, and how, depends on where the adoption takes place, so ask your own attorney or counselor before you rely on it.
What do you picture for the days at the hospital?
Why ask it
After they answer, tell them your version: who is in the room, who holds the baby first, how much time you want alone. A family that says 'that is your time and your call' has understood whose days these are. Hospitals and agencies have their own rules, so check with your counselor what a birth plan can cover where you will deliver.
How would you feel if I decided to parent once the baby is here?
Why ask it
It is a hard question and they should be expecting it. Heartbreak is an honest answer. Pressure, or a mention of what they have spent, is a weight they are trying to hand you. Your own counselor or attorney is the one to explain your rights and any deadlines where you live.
Meeting a family you might choose
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before the first call or meeting
Name your three must-haves
Before you look at the list, write down the three things you could not bend on. It might be visits twice a year, a certain faith or none, siblings, a stay-at-home parent. Those decide which questions you ask first, and they keep a charming couple from talking you past something that matters to you.
Find out what has already been checked
Hopeful parents generally have to be approved before they can adopt, though what that involves, and when it happens, differs from place to place. Ask your counselor or the agency what was looked at for this family, such as background, health, money and the home, and what was not. Then spend your time on the things no report can tell you: how they talk, how they listen and how they speak about you.
Mark ten questions, not all of them
A first call is short, and a good part of it goes to small talk. Mark roughly ten questions, at least one from each group and extra from the contact group, and put a star beside the two you will ask even if the clock runs out.
Decide who sits beside you
You can do this alone, with the baby's father, with your mother or a friend, or with your counselor on the line. Whoever comes, tell them their job beforehand: take notes, ask the question you lose your nerve on, or just be there. If you would rather the family did not have your last name or number yet, ask the agency to set the call up for you.
Pick a setting with an exit
A video call lets you see faces and end when you are done. If you meet in person, a restaurant or the agency's office is easier to leave than someone's living room. Agree on an end time before you start.
While you are talking
Start with the easy ones
The family will be as nervous as you are. Open with how they met or what a weekday looks like, and save the birth father, contact and the hospital for the second half, when voices have settled.
Ask for a story, not a promise
'Tell me about the last time you two disagreed' gets you further than 'do you communicate well?'. Any couple can promise. A story has details in it, and details are hard to make up on the spot.
Hear from both of them
If one partner answers everything, put the next question to the other by name. You are choosing two parents, and the quiet one will be alone with your child for a great many hours.
Notice whether they ask about you
A family that wants to know how you are feeling, what you like and what you hope for is treating you as a person in the child's life. A family that asks only about the due date and the pregnancy is telling you where their attention is.
Answer only what you want to
They will have questions too, and you may pass on any of them with 'I am not ready to talk about that yet'. How they take a no on the first call is useful information about every later one.
Weighing the answers afterwards
Get their words on paper that day
Note what they said about contact in their own words, with the numbers, plus one thing that warmed you and one that bothered you. After a second or third family the calls run together, and your notes are what you will compare.
Set their picture of contact beside yours
Write your ideal year after placement on one side of a page and what they offered on the other. A gap is not the end of the match, but it is the thing to raise on the next call, not something to hope will sort itself out.
Ask for a second conversation
One meeting is a thin basis for a decision this size. A second one, perhaps at their home or with the children present, shows you whether the first was a performance. Bring the questions you skipped and the one answer you keep thinking about.
Take the agreement to someone who is on your side
Before you count on anything the family offered, go over it with your own counselor or attorney: what can be written down, what happens if either side stops keeping to it, and how all of that works where you live. The rules are not the same everywhere, and the family's attorney is not the person to ask. If nobody has been assigned to you, ask the agency how you get a counselor or a lawyer of your own, and who pays for one there.
If something feels off
Pressure to decide
A family that needs an answer by Friday, or reminds you how long they have waited, is asking you to look after their feelings. You are allowed to take your time, and a good counselor will say the same.
Gifts, money and favors
What hopeful parents may pay for or give differs from place to place. If an offer comes straight from the family and not through the agency or attorney, do not say yes on the spot. Take it to your counselor, who can tell you what is permitted where you are.
Answers that shift
If visits were 'of course' on the first call and 'we'll see' on the second, say what you noticed and ask which one is true. A family that gets defensive when you check has shown you how later disagreements would go.
You can meet someone else, or no one
Liking a family does not oblige you to choose them, and choosing a family is not the same as signing anything. You can ask to see more profiles, talk to another couple or decide to raise your baby. Your counselor or attorney can tell you what you would sign, when, and whether it could be undone where you live.